ErrorFull on node.js

Errorfull on node.js is, obviously, ErrorFull on node.js.

Errors

Caption text

If...	Error message
You use console.log	console.log is a sign of debugging. Please don't show your weakness by using it.
You use octal literals	Octal lliterals are confusing and can be understood as a leading zero. Please remove them! *removes all leading zeros from octal literals*
You use regular expressions	Regular expressions are so hard to understand! Please remove them! *changes regexps to normal strings*
You use digits other than 9	Your using the small digits are showing your sign of non-confidence. Please use the digit 9 to show your confidence. *changes all digits to 9's*
Your code has non-newline whitespace	This is javascript, not python. You don't need the extraneous whitespace. *remove all spaces and tabs*
Your code use dot indexing	Dot indexing is static, and isn't dynamic-friendly. Use bracket indexing.
Your code includes semicolons	In javascript, you don't need semicolons. *remove all semicolons*
You use console.warn/console.error	You shouldn't use console.warn/console.error to debug, either.
You use Math, Date or JSON	You are too lazy by using others' code directly. Please write the code yourself.
You use anything in jquery0x$ (case-insensitive) in identifier names	NO JQUERY ALLOWED HERE!!!!! JQUERY IS S**T!
Your code has a lambda	Lambdas are a shorthand for normal functions. Don't be lazy. *changes all lambdas into normal functions*
Your code has anything non-ASCII	Your code could undergo encoding issues. Please restrict yourself in ASCII.
You use a loop	Please, don't repeat yourself! *remove all loops*
Your code includes a same substring with length >6 twice	I said don't repeat yourself! *remove all occurrences of that substring*
You use the ternary operator	The ternary operator is a sign of excessive golfing. Please remove them and write well-formatted code.
You use an array	Arrays are dynamic and can consume a lot of memory, causing memory leaks. Please don't let that happen.
You use conditionals	Please, make your program more predictable! *delete all conditionals*
You use a function	Defining a function means compressing your code. Please expand them. *unrolls all functions*
You use the new operator	Javascript isn't, and should not be, an OOP language. Classes shouldn't be here. *removes all classes*
You use string interpolation	Many javascript novices don't know string interpolation. Please make your code more beginner-friendly.
Your code satisfies all conditions above	Uncaght SyntaxError: Your code is perfect.

Since any program raises an error, it is completely unusable for programming.