It Feels Good To Be Me Right Now

As I walked home this morning, from last night's party (um, yeah... anyhow), the sun was shining brightly. I found myself longing for the sunglasses that I removed from my bag last night before I left the house, to make room for that bottle of tonic water, thinking to myself: "I don't need to bring my sunglasses, it's night." As I walked home from the bus stop this morning, breathing in the almost-intrusively fresh and crisp spring air, I let my heavy winter coat slide down off my shoulders because I was so warm...

And again, I felt the j-o-y of Spring creeping up on me...

Or maybe I'm just happy.

I suppose general happiness for the sake of life feeling good is a total possibility for me at this point... Which, I have to say, is awesome!

As I walked home this morning, with a smile on my face, I thought about how thankful I am to have so much friendship and fun and laughter and love in my life...

I had a really great weekend; On Saturday morning I took the bus out to Peterborough, so that I could rent a van and drive my friend Nikki (who's been living with her parents in Peterborough since she got back from travelling in Asia a few months ago) to Montreal, where she is moving to. So we rented the cargo van, loaded 'er up and drove to Montreal. Where we then un-loaded the van and pretty much collapsed into bed (after consuming the last of our 'road-trip red licorice' and the bottle of red wine that we wisely brought with us, of course.) Only to wake up bright and early on Sunday morning, to take a walk, consume some espresso and croissants, and then send me on my merry way, driving back to Peterborough. Where I returned the van, and proceeded to bus it back to the T-dot. Just in time to shower, and head out the door to my friend's party.

Good, good times. Very.

If it meant spending 24 hours in close quarters (think automobile and bedroom full of boxes) with this fabulous girl pictured above (no, not me, the one on the right!), you'd volunteer to drive to and from Montreal over the course of 24 hours too! I guarantee it!

Ah, for the love of fun-having...
I am thankful.

Things That Break My Heart:

1. Goodbyes
2. Fires that destroy things
3. When death takes our loved ones
4. Lack of communication (also, Miscommunications)
5. War, and its impacts
6. When bad things happen to good people

----------------------------------------------------

Unless you live in a cave, or maybe a country other than Canada, you heard about the massive 6 alarm fire that destroyed practically an entire block of Toronto's famous Queen West last week. It was so surreal, and confusing - incomprehensible even - for me to wake up on Wednesday morning and hear on the radio that Queen Street was closed between Bathurst & Augusta because of a huge fire... WHAT?!?

This is the neighbourhood that I just moved from. (I lived maybe ten blocks or so west from where this fire began) These buildings had been a part of my daily landscape for the last two years, and prior to living in this neighbourhood, I spent a lot of time in this area... Because it was, in many ways, the heart of one of Toronto's hippest 'hoods, and very near to a few theatres that I try to frequent.

So on Thursday, on my way to rehearse his one-man show with my friend Anthony, of course I had to stop by, and pay my respects to these buildings... and the lost livelihood of so many...

B R E A K. M Y. H E A R T.

Ugh, my home burning down is one of my worst nightmares! It is one of only two recurring nightmares that I have ever had in my life. (The other is me drowning in a pit of snakes & spiders - thanks so much for that image Indiana Jones!) I can remember sitting in the backseat of our family car with my fingers crossed each time we returned home after being away for more than a few hours, silently praying as we approached our street, "please let the house not be on fire, please let the house not be on fire, please ..." I'm not sure where that fear comes from, but I was afraid of any kind of fire for a very, very long time. Funnily enough, my brother was afraid of water for a very, very long time. Conundrums.

Well, on a slightly more selfishly heart-breaking note (because it's actually a GREAT thing for my BFF, Alison), check out these pics from Saturday night, which was the Goodbye Party for my Best Friend Alison, who left on Sunday to move to Bathurst, New Brunswick to work for the CBC...

Sad Faces.
Toronto won't be the same without her.

I really don't think that I am exagerrating when I say that the last five years of my life in Toronto have been pretty much defined by my friendship with Alison. We lived together, on good ol' Vermont Avenue in The Annex from Sept '04 to Jan '06 - those were the magical, fantastic, super-fun, memorable, and some might even say infamous 'Sex and the Annex' years! (Some of you may remember that, slightly less mature but definitely juicy and exciting, blog of ours!) Winter '06 was tough when Ali spent the semester at journalism school in DENMARK(!), but upon her return in June '06 we resumed the excellentness of our inseperable friendship. We jokingly call each other "Life Partners."

So yeah, it's tough that she's moving away. I'm so, so, so, so, sooooooo happy for her though! It has been her dream since before she even went to journalism school (at Ryerson) to work for the CBC, and there was never a doubt in my mind that she could do it. So, those of you who are CBC radio listeners, keep an ear out on the national news reports for "Alison Northcott reporting for CBC News, Bathurst."

Well, since this post has been mostly such a downer, here's pic for y'all that should break your heart in the good way, with it's adorableness:

My roomies: Henry & SnoBear, dancing in my room last weekend.
Awwwwwww!

love (and chocolate)

I must say, I had such a very lovely Valentines Day (or "Aphrodite Day" as my friend Deirdre prefers to call it, on the basis that apparently there never was a saint called 'Valentine', so if we're gonna have a day that celebrates love, it should be named after the goddess Aphrodite! Works for me.) So anyways, I had an appointment with my therapist, Julia, on the afternoon of the 14th - a "therapy valentine" as she called it in an email to me, adorably. After which I decided to go out into the world and do a little valentines day photo shoot mission... "interrupted" by a delectable sushi dinner for one (that would be Me) followed by a workshop called "Love and Chocolate" hosted by my friend Deirdre in the backspace of my former workplace, The Bookstore.

Deirdre sent a follow up email to the workshop which included "the poem we wrote together." When I read that, I remember thinking, what poem?!? But then what followed was actually a poem formed from each of our answers to the first question of the workshop, which was "What is the one thing you know about love?"

So, here is our "poem":

What do I know about love?
by Adriana, Daniela, Diana, Holly, Nicole, Erinn, Meghan, Angela, Deirdre

I know...
I'm in love right now
it's a transcendental bond
love is a gift
I know...
love is the greatest healer
love is everywhere
love transcends everything
I know...
love is powerful
love is painful
that we can't choose what is love is but we can be what love is

And here, is my "Valentines Day Photo Project":

Post-Therapy Valentine: Snow Heart

Vespa Love

Love is in the Air

The Glow of Love in The Junction

And it all comes full circle, with yet another self-created
Snow Valentine.
But this time, by the end of the night, the glow seems warmer...

New Times With The Old Gang

So...

Friday (Dec 21) was Winter Solstice - the longest night (and thus, the shortest day) of the year. We celebrate Solstice because it is the moment when the earth begins to turn back towards the sun, and very incrementally the days will actually begin to get brighter. We celebrate it because we are celebrating the fact that we have just been through the darkest time of the earth and are now ready to slowly begin facing the sun again. Or more specifically, I celebrate Solstice. The rest of my friends are celebrating the fact that our very good friend Tiina is briefly back in town from Halifax. Also something worth celebrating, in my opinion.

So here are some pics from a little get-together that Alan hosted that night for a group of us that used to be quite "The Gang" a few years back...

Below, L to R: Kurt (blurry because he's moving to get out of the pic, I think. And in town from NYC for the Holidays!), Thea (blurry because she's moving and trying to give Tiina bunny ears. That's Karma for ya), Tiina and Alison, and... oh my, I can't remember the name of Thea's friend who is seated in the lower right-hand corner. I am a jerk. Damn. Sorry !Alan, Tiina, Thea (pronounced TAY-yah, BTW) and Alison...

Below: Not the most flattering picture of any of us, but I wanted to include it because it's one of the only pictures that captures (if even only in fragments) some other key members of "The Old Gang"; L to R: half of Rob, Me, Someone's Finger (my guess is Tiina), Alan (aptly enjoying a beverage), Sandi and a wee bit of Jeremy
It's Johnny Hall! Here's a special shout-out to you my friend; Because reading your recent comment on my blog post about my upcoming move to The Junction made me smile BIG. :D
Kurt, Tiina and Thea... Being the usual, krazy kids!
I don't know why Thea always feels compelled to make these funny faces in photos... (Alison looks excited though. Although I think perhaps here she's just feeling crazed about the fact that it's getting late and she still isn't packed and has to be on a plane to fly home to Winnipeg the next morning at some ungodly hour)
So that was Solstice Night. Otherwise known (to pretty much everyone else at the party as "Friday Dec 21st - the night of the party celebrating Tiina being in town!")

Last night, after I finished a surprisingly lovely day at work (I say surprisingly because it was December 23rd and I work in a retail store - but although business was "steady" yesterday it was never chaotic, and no one was christmas-crazy or anything!), I had plans to meet up and spend the evening with Tiina & Thea...

Thea wanted to watch Elf. I'm not sure that Tiina and I really wanted to, but we laughed at ourselves during our pre-get together Sushi dinner about the fact that we can generally be resistant to anything these days (oh, how we've gotten cantankerous in our old age)!

So, we watched Elf...

While we watched Elf, Thea wrapped presents...

She was well prepared with her "Present Wrapping Tape"

And Tiina taught me how to knit!

Lookin' good Thea!

It was just a super-fantastic night. And now it is the morning of December 24th and I am wrapped up in bed with my laptop, listening to CBC radio as I do laundry in preparation to be away for the next few days... I shall be heading to Oakville this afternoon to spend the night with Holly & Paul, then tomorrow we shall drive to Kingston to visit Holly's family and Robin will drive there from Vermont so I will get to see her too!

But before I sign off for "the holidays", here's one final wierd story I want to share with you: I woke up this morning, in my bed which is in the lower, basement part of my apartment and I was FREEZING! Like, really, really cold. This may not sound wierd to most of you, but it was very out of the ordinary for me. I've actually never found it even a little bit "chilly" in my place, so the fact that I was ABSOLUTELY FREEZING was kind of strange. I thought about texting my friend, upstairs neighbour and landlord, Guntar, and asking whether the heat was broken or something. When I finally got up the courage to get out from under my covers and go the upstairs part of my apartment (technically the rear half of the main floor of the house I live in), where my kitchen and bathroom and entrance are, I saw that my door (which I guess I had forgot to lock behind me when I came home last night) had blown open in the middle of the night! No wonder I was freezing! I think I heard on the radio that it's minus 2 degrees out right now! I wonder how long it was open?!?! Crazy huh?

Well anyways, I better go have a shower and pack a few things.

So, This is Triple M, signing off for "The Holidays".

Merry, merry. Or whatever.

Namaste.

Snippets and Snapshots of My Life Right Now

So, this is what Toronto looked like today:
Above: The view looking southwards down the street that I currently live on...

I say "currently" because I have decided to move. Alas, not yet to New York (I'm a firm believer in timing, and the timing just isn't right for me right now), but I definitely need to get myself out of this BASEMENT that I am living in! However lovely as it may be. So I gave my two months notice at the beginning of this month and began the constant perusal of Craiglist. I have decided that not only do I want to live above ground, but I also want to live with people again. Enough of this alone stuff! So I randomly answered an ad that I guess most people wouldn't...

I actually just went into my email account and found the copy of the ad that I sent myself before I replied, here it is:

"We are about to buy a house in our beloved neighbourhood of the JUNCTION. We're devoted to this great little community...but we're also devoted to living from just one income while we raise our little boy (13 mos). Sooooo how to buy a house, stay in the junction, and still be an at-home-mama??????

Well, we are wondering if there are any peaceful, cool, open, child-friendly, creative, interesting, community-minded people out there that would like to rent a room (the bedrooms are HUGE) in our new house. Its a great place. You and possibly another would have the run of the upstairs, with a huge bathroom and laundry. We would share the living space (living w. fireplace, dining, kitchen, den, patio, garage, wireless internet, ample street parking). Who knows maybe we could even make a room/board arrangement of sorts and I will cook for us all...for a bit extra.

We are looking for Feb.08. If this interests you - let me know. It could be the start of something really great."

Well, I guess I felt like this really could be the start of something quite great so I wrote an email to this anonymous craigslist post-er... Only to find out that this woman is in fact someone I would consider a "long lost friend", someone that I worked with during the first year that I lived in Toronto (when I was 19!)and have some really great memories with, someone I have often thought about over the past few years... Crazy!

So anyhow, after some excited emails and then some missed emails and a lot of hilarious drama that thankfully worked out in the end, Laura and I ended up meeting for hot chocolate this afternoon. And I met her lovely little 13 month old son, Henry. We spent an amazingly lovely afternoon together and then her husband Louis came home from work and we enjoyed a nice dinner together. And I think this IS the beginning of something really great!


So here is what The Junction looked like last Thursday (not as snowy as it was today), when I took my own little private field-trip out to check out the neighbourhood on my own (before meeting up with Laura this week):







And just for fun, here are some pics that I took last weekend, of the lovely little bookstore where I currently work:


(Above: The View From My Desk)



So, I guess my life's not lookin' too bad these days, hey?

It's My Day Off and I'll Be Lazy If I Want To

As I was walking to work on Monday, I felt good. (Actually, I usually feel good on my walks to work. Maybe that is something worth noticing...?) The weather was really grey and misty and on the verge of rainy - totally the kind of weather that most people grumble about. But to me, it was familiar, and comforting. I distinctly remember thinking to myself: "This is the kind of November that I am used to" (Or rather, that I grew up with in Vancouver)

Now, I know it's not particularly normal to long for grey and rainy days, but that is what I have always missed about Vancouver.

I enjoyed my misty walk to work on Monday (even though my hair was a bit of a disaster by the time I got to work!) and took these pictures as I walked through the park that I am so lucky to live so near to:









I think it's another grey-ish day out there, but no rain. I think it's really the water that I like. Not the color grey.

I have the whole day off today. My first day off after working five days straight at the new bookstore job. I realise that five days may not seem like a lot of days to work in a row to some (and probably even to me, at another point in my life!) but compared to the pace of life that I've been living, and how I've been feeling, it's a lot. And newness can be exhausting too.

So anyhow, I have today off and there are really so many things I should be doing... But I just feel tired. And somewhat unmotivated. My house is a mess, but I certainly don't feel like cleaning it! I am doing laundry though - hooray for small victories, right???

I'm trying so hard to "simply" live in the moments, "be here now", and not get wrapped up in regret or worry, but that's damn hard! All I can think about right now is the fact that I made a goal for myself to move to New York City by January 2008 and it doesn't look at all like that is going to happen. And if I'm honest with myself, it's probably not the right thing right now anyways.

Ugh, enough of this grumpster-ness. I am going to go make myself some lunch (<--Hooray! Another small victory, not eating out!) and curl up with a book. It's my day off, I can do what I want!

Photos from my walk to work today...

Somehow I am still in awe of the fact that it actually occurred to me to take some random photos on my (also somewhat surprisingly) pleasant walk to work this morning, and that I actually did!!!

Check out what has become one of my regular sights these days:
(Lovely, no?)


Just before I left for work this morning, I came across a card that I received in the mail a few weeks ago from my lovely friend Thea. It was incredibly thoughtful and very apt. The front cover said this:

"THERE WILL COME A TIME WHEN YOU BELIEVE EVERYTHING IS FINISHED. THAT WILL BE THE BEGINNING." (Louis L'Amour)

The leftover death-themed Halloween decorations that I passed on my enjoyable walk to my new job today got me thinking about both endings and beginnings. So here is a picture to commemorate that...

Here, Now.

Yes, I am aware that my "summer hiatus" went on for quite some time. AND it was extended in to the Fall. Well, so it goes.

I must admit that I have been thinking about and wanting to start blogging again for quite some time now, but I have been dwelling on how to start again. I have been searching for, and drafting in my head, a way to write about and explain my "hiatus time." That is, until I recently came to the conclusion that I do not have to explain anything. I do not owe any explanations to the universe. This is my blog for goodness sake!

So here I am. Back. For now.

My life is very different these days, but that's probably a good thing...

I am presently enrolled in a meditation course. It is a "MBSR" (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program based very closely on the program developed by Jon Kabat-Zinn(just google him if you're really that interested). It's good, I guess. I'm not sure that I really "get it" yet, but I am faithfully doing my homework which so far consists of an hour-long daily mediation practice (with accompanying Guided Imagery CD's - thank goodness!)

I also just started a new job last week. I cannot seem to make this statement (either privately, publicly, outwardly or inwardly) without attaching the following statement: "It's not My Next Great Career Move, but it's good for now."

The job is in a lovely little bookstore that specialises in selling books on alternative health & spirituality, and healing, as well as gift-y type products such as cards and journals, gemstones and crystals, jewellery, essential oils, etc.

As I happen to currently find myself at a bit of a "crossroads", or period of change, (Or Whatever), I think it shall be a perfect job to help me bring stability and routine to my life (as well as a very minimal amount of income - but something is better than nothing, right?)

Anyhow, my big goal right now is to LIVE life and not be defined by what I do.

I'm starting to really focus on enjoying simple things: Taking a walk on a nice day. A good meal. A good movie. Good company...

I am planning on learning to knit. I am really looking forward to this.

Presently I am in Oakville (where I have been since Saturday night, but I have to head back to Toronto this afternoon/evening because I have to work tomorrow), I have been enjoying a little visit with Holly & Paul (Robin's parents). I've actually spent quite a bit of time here over the past few months; it's a good, safe, supportive place for me, and I hope to keep my visits here regular over the next few months.

It was my birthday on Friday. I tend not to make a big deal of this occasion, and it wasn't a big deal, but it was lovely. (Perhaps more reflection on birthdays will come later this week...)

Holly and Paul bought me my (icredibly generous) birthday gift early and gave it to me when I spent about a week with them around Thanksgiving in early October, when Robin was here. They bought me a digital camera. Here are a few shots from the lovely, lovely time that I got to spend with them and Robin while she was here:


Robin and I immediately after jumping in to the freezing cold lake at her uncle's cottage near Kingston, on Thanksgiving weekend. This mini "polar bear swim" (or as it's been more aptly named by Robin's Aunt Janet - The Turkey Splash) was the brilliant idea of Rob's cousin Lindsay, who conveniently forgot to bring her bathing suit.


To be honest, I probably wouldn't have pursued this ridiculous notion of jumping into freezing cold water on Thanksgiving weekend, if Robin hadn't been so intent on it. But I'm glad we did it. It was fun. And it was especially lovely to spend that whole week at the beginning of October with Robin and her parents... Very, very lovely...

Soooooo...
It is my intention to write more, again, on this blog, as my journey through life continues... Guess we all just have to wait and see what happens...

Belated Vermont Road Trip Pics

Wednesday, April 4th, 2007:
Me & Sarah in the car on the way to Burlington, Vermont...

First stop, dinner in Montreal where we get complimented on our French speaking skillz - oh yeah!!!

Wednesday Night Arrival! Finally!! We're Here!!! At Robin & Ethan's HOUSE THAT THEY OWN!!! This photo was taken either right before or right after the cat startled me and I spilled an entire glass of red wine on Robin and Ethan's white couch. I had been in their home for less than an hour. Classy.

My Best Friend actually OWNS this house!!!

Robin & Ethan... Have I mentioned that I am a BIG fan of this guy?!

These women have been two of MY BEST FRIENDS for over 10 years now.
And aren't they pretty?!

Clearly I really respect the Easter Holiday... Do you think Robin's friend Erin thinks I'm wierd?

We may be 25 now, but it's not like we're mature...

It's our last night in Burlington and we're out at 80's Dance Night - YESSSSSSS! This photo has a soundtrack... "Ooooh-OH, we're halfway there, ooooh-OH, LIVIN' ON A PRAYER!!!"

And finally,
The first Tim Horton's of the day, just outside of Montreal, as we journey home...

And So It Ends...

until next time!

This Ain't Oprah Y'All!

I recently received some gentle feedback from a friend and loyal blog reader. Apparently, I've gone "a little too Oprah" on here lately. Alright, point taken.

I can relate to this feedback in the following way: I really like songs that are kinda sad or melancholy, definitely on the quieter, more melodious side (oh, THANK GOD I am not a music critic, hey? what a way to describe songs! oh my...) but sometimes, the feeling just comes over me and I exclaim, "Alright! We gotta kick it up a notch here!" Because sometimes you just wanna have fun. And fun is good, fun is great. Fun is why I just turned off CBC radio and put on Britney's "Brave New Girl" song - it's our shared anthem. (Please see my first-ever blog entry here, where it will be reiterated to you that I HAD THE IDEA FOR THIS NAME LONG BEFORE BRITNEY EVEN RECORDED THIS ALBUM!!! I don't mind the song though, it's fun and dance-able)

Speaking of brave girls and fun,
wanna see what I did on Christmas Day in Las Vegas last year?

Check it:


FYI, "Brave" was the name of the main character in the first play that I wrote. A one-woman show called "The Light Between" that I performed at the Fringe of Toronto Theatre Festival last summer. FUN! (And a little scary)

Oh, and guess what?
France is off this summer. UK work permits haven't been sorted out yet, and I have just decided that I don't want to spend any more time and/or money on this battle. I'm not at all disapointed at the prospect of staying put here in Toronto for the summer. One of the reasons why is because this is my backyard:



Wouldn't you be excited to hang out here all summer too? Well, you can! Call me and I'll invite you over for a visit! It will be FUN!!!

Another reason that I'm not terribly broken up about not working for 4 months as a chaperone for groups of children and teenagers at an outdoor education centre in France is that I read on the company's website that "some centres have internet access" - WHAT?!?! I would be living in a glorified tent all summer AND I might not be able to blog about it regularly? Well, that's just not fair to you, my dear readers!

A week in Paris sounds way more up my alley, and it may end up happening if I can't cancel my flight outright. Oui, dear readers, I am considering a little jaunt over to Paris in May... to meet up and hang out with my friend Mark, who was originally going to visit me in the South of France during his European travels... We'll see... I've been there once before, but Paris could be fun again... Especially in the Springtime!

Another friend of mine is going to be living and doing job training (for her new job in Switzerland!!!) in NJ/NY this summer, so it looks like I'll get to visit the home of my heart again this summer - yay!

So, fear not, there promises to be lots of exciting adventures ahead for me to blog about and I further promise not to go all Oprah on y'all all the time here, only every now and then... okay?

Aiight, I'm gonna go bite the bullet now and consider joining facebook. Because apparently, I am wrong when I declare that "facebook is for highschool kids". Apparently, facebook is for everyone on the friggin' planet. Ugh.

"Fun..."