What's Ahead...

It's Friday morning and...

what lies ahead of me today is picking up a cargo van, then lights, lighting stands, sound equipment, then a load-in & set-up of our performance space, dropping off of the van followed either by a 5pm - Midnite shift at the restaurant (if I'm lucky and someone is able to trade with me) or a rehearsal followed by an 11pm-6am shift, if I'm not so lucky. Because 9am-9pm tomorrow is the Drew Stewart Memorial Basketball tournament that I *promised* my friend Cheryl I would be at all day... And then Sunday is Canada Day otherwise known to me and my friends as the one year anniversary of the day we got struck by lightning in the park last year... Whew! Am feeling a leetle bit stressed at the thought of all that is to come, but I'm SURE it will all work out the way it needs to.

What Goes Up, Must Come Down...

Now that I have decided to try and write something on this here blog every day, it's interesting to note how dramatically different I can feel from day to day...

Today for example. I feel fragile. Worn down. Exhausted. Weak. And I hate feeling this way.

My first instinct earlier today was to blame myself, and feel frustrated, angry and guilty. To scold myself with thoughts like: "Meghan, you cannot keep doing this to yourself! You need to listen to the people around you who keep warning you not to take on too much!" But then I suddennly flipped my frustration to be towards all of those "people" in my life who give me such warnings and advice, and thought to myself "Well, what they really mean, is they want me to take care of me, so that I can be better for them. And do more work for them!!!"

Well, after about half an hour of crying on a park bench post-rehearsal with Tracey, and two tearful phone calls with two of my best friends, and most importantly... some air and just a little bit of "me time", I have realised that blaming and scolding, either myself or others, is really not going to solve anything.

What I really need to do is just figure out what I need to do to really take care of myself (what I need to say no to, and when, and how) and then DO those things.

So here I go...

"NAMASTE" - FYI...

Because I often sign off my blog posts with this word, I thought I would share with you my understanding of this term...

Namaste is one of the few Sanskrit words commonly recognized by English speakers. In the West, it is often used to indicate South Asian culture in general. "Namaste" is particularly associated with aspects of South Asian culture such as vegetarianism, yoga, ayurvedic healing or Hinduism.

Westerners who learn about "namaste" from yoga often believe that the word is part of yogic practice, and that it has a multitude of very complicated and poetic meanings. Some examples:

- I honor the Spirit in you which is also in me

- I honor the place in you in which the entire Universe dwells, I honor the place in you which is of Love, of Truth, of Light and of Peace; When you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, we are One

- I salute the God within you

- I recognize that we are all equal

- The entire universe resides within you

- The divine light in me salutes the divine light in you

- Your spirit and my spirit are ONE

- That which is of God in me greets that which is of God in you

- I honor the Holy One that lives in you

- I bow to the divine in you


(Thankyou Wikipedia for this concise little blurb!)

And...

*NAMASTE*

It's ON!

The last few days have been CRAZY... C-R-A-Z-Y!!! Worked overnight at the restaurant on Saturday and Sunday (and Saturday night was a particularly tough shift because the girl I was supposed to be working with went home very early because she was sick). Following my overnight shift on Sunday, I hopped on the subway and headed directly out to the east end of the city to the Peace Theatre, for the first day of our two day Peace Theatre Camp "Guide Training" session. Needless to say, at the end of this 24 hour period of being awake and working constantly, I was pretty exhausted. And being in the beautiful, natural "oasis in the city" that is the Peace Theatre (a gorgeous heritage home and outdoor amphitheatre nestled amidst Taylor Creek Park), I was also suffering some serious allergic reactions. And the hot sickly smog of our city's current atmosphere didn't help much either.

So I'm lucky that Tracey was so understanding when I showed up for our rehearsal yesterday evening (yes, I came straight from the Peace Theatre), wearing the same clothes she had seen me in the previous evening at our last rehearsal (from which I went straight to work at the restaurant afterwards), an allergic and exhausted mess. I am so thankful that she told me so firmly to go to Shoppers Drug Mart, get some Benadryl and go home to bed. Which is what I did. Although despite the four spoonfuls of Benadryl that I took in Tracey's presence before I headed home, I was still a sneezing and sniffling mess all the way home on the TTC. It was actually quite embarrassing - I could not stop sneezing! And I felt like everyone on the subway & bus must've thought I was just a really inconsiderate sick person. I wanted to stand up and declare - "IT'S JUST ALLERGIES!!!" But I didn't. Instead I arrived at home, my face and eyes actually swollen with red, allergy-induced grossness, and I downed another four spoonfuls and promptly passed out in my bed.

I slept for what felt like hours and woke up in what I now realise must've been a Benadryl-induced coma or something, because it was only 8pm and I thought it was 8am. So I called my good friend Mark, to whom I am "assistant director" for this summer's camp, and had a strange, foggy conversation full of insanity that I'm not quite sure he realised was exhaustion & benadryl-induced. You see, I thought it was Wednesday morning and that I was late, and I felt so sick and foggy and kept apologising for not being at the peace theatre... It's funny now, in retrospect, though at the time I think he was quite worried about me.

Moral of this story:
1) No more working for 24+ hours straight with no sleep, and
2) No more liquid Benadryl (it's non-drowsy LIFE brand pills from now on!)

In any case, I am feeling super-pumped about this summer's Peace Camp - and about my life in general! I am feeling excited, inspired, motivated... all of that good stuff!

I've also decided that I am going to experiment with updating this blog more regularly (I am gonna *TRY* for every day), if not always so "thoroughly". For example, sometimes I may just record random thoughts in point form, or even just write a sentence or two as my "thought for the day", and save the long-winded storytelling and updates for the moments when I have more time and motivation (the way I have been keeping this blog to date) - sound good to y'all? Yeah! Me too!

On that note, I shall sign off and say... 'til tomorrow... We'll see what happens!

In love and gratitude always,
*NAMASTE*

The Top of the World?

So, I had a really great meeting tonight, with this exceptionally amazing young woman that I am going to be collaborating with this summer on the "movement & meditation" element of Peace Theatre Camp (but more about all of that later!), and at one point we were just chatting (or rather, I was going on and on) about what else we do with our lives, and I was telling her about all my various jobs and projects and volunteer endeavors and she started to get this look in her eyes... This look that kind of made me want to stop rambling on and on with such enthusiasm and gratitude. And when I finally stopped, she paused in a reflective moment, and then commented on how great my life seemed, and how listening to me, it made her realise that there were all sorts of things that she really wanted to do and she feels worried that she is sacrificing those goals too much these days in lieu of social time...

SOCIAL TIME?! I asked incredulously. "Well from the girl who is known among her friends for being too busy to show up for almost everything," I began, "let me just say, social time is indeed very important, and perhaps now I envy you a little for the amount of your life that you seem to presently dedicate to fun time with your friends..." Social time, and friendship time is indeed, very, very important.

Now, that being said, I think I have been able to find a workable balance lately. I'm sure all you blog-readers out there will agree that I do seem to be socialising enough these days - yes? But it bears reiterating that work, and projects, and goals, and all of that, are all really important, but at the end of the road (of life)... what will YOU want to look back on, and re-live, and remember with fondness?

(PLEASE TAKE A MOMENT RIGHT NOW AND ANSWER THAT QUESTION FOR YOURSELF)

So anyhow, I kinda feel on top of the world right now. Maybe it was just a really good day, or maybe some things are really and truly starting to come together in reward for all of my hard work and dedication lately... In any case, I am feelin' good (and of course, THANKFUL) again...

An update on "The (My) Good Life" in brief, is as follows:

- some recent developments have made my move to New York seem closer and more realise-able, or maybe I have just brought that particular goal more into focus as of late... But in any case, there is a possibility that I may be moving there as early as September!!! (Fingers crossed that I get accepted for the internship that I am applying for - or offered some other amazing and/or lucrative theatre-releated job, and that living situations work out... Fingers and toes and ankles and... everything CROSSED!!)

- Peace Theatre Camp is drawing nearer and I am feeling so pumped about it! I am excited to be the Assistant Director to two of my favorite theatre artist/educators (and friends!), as well as the co-leader of the movement and meditation/journalling element with a really amazing girl who might just be one of my new favorite people! Not to mention the fact that Peace Camp is always an amazing experience and I am just so looking forwarding to being back in our little natural "oasis" in the city, with all of the kids and youth that I know (and the ones that I don't know yet), and the other amazing artist guides that I know (and the ones that I don't know yet!), for the first three, sure-to-be-glorious weeks of July! YESSSSS!

- The Toronto FRINGE Theatre Festival is also drawing nearer, which means Tracey and I are getting closer and closer to premiering the also sure-to-be-glorious sequel to The Burning Bush show - Two in the Bush! We start rehearsals later this week, and I have been dilligently working on the choreography for our opening dance number (to my all-time favorite Madonna song - Lucky Star!), which it looks like I will also be dancing in, as well as doing my best to keep all "production-related" balls in the air in my role as artistic producer... And I feel like all of my work is coming to fruitition. I really feel like this is going to be a great production! One of my best acts as producer to date, I feel, is acquiring my "assistant stage manager" - a 19 year old girl that I met through the AMY Project last year, who is just so motivated, and dedicated, and truly fantastic... we are indeed SO lucky to have her on our team! Yay!!!

- It would also appear that all of my (albeit somewhat reluctant and/or resentful) hard work and dedication to my volunteer work for Real Food for Real Kids is starting to pay off... Today I had a meeting with Hope and another workshop facilitator, finalising our educational workshop plans, and it looks like once I'm done with the crazyness of my life in July (Peace Camp for the first three weeks with the FRINGE overlapping and happening during the first two weeks - oh my!) I will be able to return to my "day" (or rather night) job at the restaurant and also do a bunch of educational food/body awareness workshops with little ones at daycares in August - FUN! And I will get paid to do these workshops - BONUS! Also, I have been working closely with a high school student volunteer at RFRK to prepare some grant applications & proposals to get funding for RFRK's Educational Lending Library, and FINALLY, these proposals are ready to go out... Fingers crossed again, for generous funding!!! In any case, I feel great because my "supervisor" at RFRK seems to be feeling really great about all of this, and also really grateful and acknowledging of my efforts... so that makes me feel great too!

- I started riding "Boyfriend" (calm down! I'm referring to Thea's bike that she left in my care for the summer. The bike is named (by Thea) Boyfriend - ahahahaha, awesomeness!), and although it still feels harrowing at times to ride a bike through the city streets of Toronto (don't worry - I wear the helmet religiously!), I am persevering, and it feels good. Both to persevere AND to be active. I've also resumed my morning yoga routine, albeit in a strange sort of way... You see, I was finding it hard to be motivated to do my sun salutations when I wake up in the afternoons, as I do most days now (thanks to the overnight restaurant job). But now, on the days that I work, I do my routine in the mornings when I return home from work and before I go to bed... Kinda backwards, I know, but still, it feels good to be working my body in this way again. Really good. I also started going to Moksha (Hot) Yoga classes again, which is super challenging given my serious aversion to the heat, but I think ultimately good training for me... Both in terms of being able to be more flexible (physically) as a result of the heat relaxing my often incredibly tense muscles and me getting more used to the heat... training that will definnitely be useful this summer at Peace Camp, and in the future if I end up spending any summers in NYC... Phew!

- I have also been watching a lot of romantic comedies lately. And ya know what? I highly recommend this. They are often cheesy, inevitably imperfect, but light and easy to watch (and fall asleep to), and every now and then kind of uplifting and inspiring. My favorite recent rental (and possibly a new addition to my list of favorite movies) is "50 First Dates", starring my all-time favorite actress: Drew Barrymore, and one of my fave males: Adam Sandler. (NOTE: I am also a big fan of "The Wedding Singer"). Other recent romantic comedy watchings include "Music & Lyrics", "Failure to Launch" (both not as bad as I'd heard they were), "Love that Boy" (an indie-canadian film that I own, and LOVE, and highly recommend), "Amelie" (a french one that I also own and also ADORE and also INSIST that you watch, if you haven't already). I also finally got it together and had a long-overdue date with my good friend and former roomate, Reesa, last night and watched MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE MOVIE... Dirty Dancing, of course! *Sigh*

"I carried a watermelon?!" - my all-time favorite movie line. Who can't relate to that moment?

On that note, I shall sign off. Perhaps find another romantic comedy to watch, and fall asleep to. Or maybe I will do some work before I log off for the night. Or maybe I will check Facebook. Most likely, I will do all of the above.

Until next time my dears...

*NAMASTE*

Grumpster No More (at least for now)

So, the term I kept using to describe myself for much of last week was: "Grumpster". Yep, I felt like a real grumpster a lot of the time. And I think that it might have had a lot to do with the fact that I was without computer. And then that realisation made me even more frustrated (with myself), because I really didn't want to admit that a lack of internet access (and access to all of my work files, etc) could throw me off so seriously. I mean, what does that say about me and how I define my self, and more importantly, my happiness?!?

I guess a big part of my frustration/grumpiness/irritability (as a result of the lack of having a computer) was the fact that I couldn't work... On anything. Without all the files, I couldn't work on the grants that I said I would finish for the Real Food for Real Kids Education Program; Without regular internet access I couldn't follow-up on press, publicity and scheduling emails for Two in the Bush (Tracey's newest show); I couldn't even work on my own stuff - my writing, my work research/applications for NYC, and my blog! ;)

But as legitimately frustrating as all of these things are, I couldn't help but feel even more frustrated by the fact that I was so perturbed by this lack of work in my life. I mean, it's been beautiful (albeit friggin HOT) here lately. And I think I was equally disturbed by my inability to "unplug" and simply just Be for a few days. This addiction to work, and tendency to define myself by what I do is another very old issue for me. Something I've been aware of, and struggling with, for many years now. I guess this past week was simply another one of those annoyingly poignant reminders from the universe... And I think (hope?) that the message was sort of received...

With no work, no Facebook, minimal email access, and no blogging to "distract" me, I did find myself looking at my life, and the world around me, in an ever so slightly different way...

Some beautiful "unplugged" moments from the past week include:

Attending the Children's Peace Theatre's "Give Peace A Chance" fundraiser last Saturday afternoon, and savouring the beautiful, natural, open space of the Peace Theatre grounds in Taylor Creek Park, as well as the company of many beautiful people that I love dearly. I enjoyed a few still, solo moments amidst the crowd of people dressed (yes, sometimes a little bit cheesily) in 70's/hippie themed outfits, and I pretended silently that I was somewhere else, other than Toronto in 2007... Somewhere and some time with less... hustle? Distraction? Stress? It's hard to describe without sounding like I've smoked waaaaay too much dope, so I will simply say it was... Lovely.

The following, warm, Sunday afternoon found me on a spontaneous "swimming/play date" with my 6-year old friend Roxy and her dad (a friend from my old Annex 'hood). After we enjoyed ourselves thoroughly in the cool indoor pool, we emerged from the community centre near my house to find that there was some sort of festival happening in the park. There were rides, games, treats, music - the works! I had an hour or so to spare before I had to run off to work at the restaurant that night, so we bought some ride tickets and rode some swirly thing that looked small enough to feel safe, but reminded my body of the heart-stopping adventure I had at the Ex last summer with my teenage friends - oh my! We watched Roxy go bananas in TWO different inflatable bouncing castle thingies, and finally Roxy dragged me through a house of mirrors maze that ended with me going down a slide - something I have certainly not done in a long time! And again, it was... a very lovely afternoon.

The week found me slipping quickly into a real pit of grumpsterness, but THANK GOODNESS for those friends that know exactly what you need and when... I think it was Tuesday night that my dear friend Mark coaxed me out to have some patio beers with him, even though I definitely did not hold any promise of being anything close to good company! After I listened (as attentively as I could manage in my pathetic, self-involved grumpster state) to his reflections on our upcoming work together co-directing the Peace Theatre's Peace Camp production this summer, and his unpredictable dating life, he looked at me and said "Tell me what's good in Meghan's life right now" And when I was silent for so long (and probably looked like I might cry right then and there) he smiled compassionately and said, "Tell me what Meghan is looking forward to right now"...

I said that I was looking forward to the moment when I feel excited about life again, like I do so often; The time when I exclaim (as I am known to often exclaim) that "I am so excited about the future" or "I love life!"; and I said that I knew that that time must be coming soon, even though I couldn't feel a sliver of those feelings for the life of me, at that particular moment. And internally, I reminded myself to have faith in the cycles of the world, and wait for this dip to re-direct itself into an upswing again. And here I am.

I am excited about the future, and I do love this crazy life of mine, for all of its dips, peaks, connections, and malfunctions. Plugged/Unplugged, I am still here, still living... and loving.

So here I go... "unplugging" again, or rather simply signing off, for atleast another day or so ;)

NAMASTE

Life Unplugged (Or "Life, TBA")

Just a quick note for any of you who are actually still out there checking my blog and wondering where the heck I am...

My ol' little ibook died last week, just a few days after my last blog entry. Alas. It's been a stressful time of minimal internet access for me over the last week or so, but I am finally back online with my shiny new MacBook! Woo Hoo!!!

"Life Unplugged" found me very perturbed, disturbingly so. I found myself feeling so angry and generally grumpy, and then annoyed with myself for feeling this way all because I was without computer!

Some very interesting times indeed.

But unfortunately, I don't have time to write about all that I reflected on, questioned, figured out, etc. right now because I have a TONNE of work to catch up on!

But I did want to say that I am still here. Still alive. Still living my life... and now, I'm "plugged in" again.

And I promise to write again SOON.

with love and gratitude,
always,
MMM

Feelin' Thankful...

So last night I hosted a "Goodbye Thea" party in my backyard. Because this dear BFF of mine is leavin' town (yet again!) to join her boy at Farm School on Cortez Island in B.C. for the next three months. At least this time she's leaving with the promise that she'll be back, because usually it's more of like "well ya never know..."

But I shall miss her. Thankfully I will have "Boyfriend" (her bicycle) to remind me of her in her absence. Yes, that's right folks, Thea is leaving me her bike this summer. And I actually have plans to RIDE it!!! Even though I am terrified of biking through the streets of downtown Toronto, and absolutely refuse to join the ranks of those who participate my biggest pet peeve: riding one's bike on the sidewalk! So, I guess we'll see how long I live... Haha, just kidding. Sort of.

Anyhow, so last night I hosted a party in my lovely backyard, and I must say the night was... Lovely. And I think all in attendance would agree. It was just a very, very good gathering of lovely and interesting people, in a lovely flowery setting (with a fire, of course), on a lovely warm Toronto summer night. I had some good laughs, some special moments, some great conversations and some tasty ruby red grapefruit vodka - soooo tasty! I got to spend chill social time with my best friends that are in my life on a regular basis, and spend time with others that I don't get to spend nearly enough time with! I met some new folks, and connected with some former acquantances that I think I'll now call Friends! I found myself constantly smiling, and constantly feeling thankful for those that I was surrounded by.

Thank goodness for these times when you are reminded that the world IS full of really good people, who find it so natural to do good things with their energy and time - whether it's simply being a good listener and a recycler, or using your life's work to make some small impact on the world for the better. I think the thing I love most about getting together with many of my friends all at once is that I end up feeling great about ME - because I do believe that everyone in our life is some reflection of some aspect of ourselves, and when I get to look around and see all the fabulous people that I get to call my friends, I think to myself - Wow, if I have even just the tiniest little bit of each of these people in me, I must be a little teeny bit fantastic!

Oh gosh, I hope that doesn't sound conceited. I just really and truly feel so thankful that I have such amazing people around me - both near and far!

Gratitude, yes, that's what note I would like to end on. Gratitude.

Today, I am oh-so Thankful.

*NAMASTE*