Froog Solutions (25)

Froog's solution to the embarrassment of being invited to a party by an attractive young woman within seconds of meeting her....

Decline, politely - with explanations, and suitably hangdog facial expressions emphasising one's regret.

Of course, I repented of my foolishness almost immediately, but it was too late. I told JK - a witness to this debacle - that if he ever sees me doing something like this again, he is to intervene by giving me a firm slap.

Froog Solutions (24)

Froog's solution to the cerebral meltdown induced by trying to edit Marxist literary theory for 48 straight hours...

Give up, and go and get some fresh air! It's Friday, for heaven's sake!! A leisurely walk over to Sanlitun will take me the best part of an hour-and-a-half - by which time, it will be decent to start drinking.

Froog Solutions (23)

Froog's solution to being thoroughly pissed off with his employers....

Head down to the bar for a tequila slammer (or two, or... and maybe a Long Island Iced Tea as well...).

I first developed a weakness for these in the mid-90s, when I found myself going to a rash of weddings for old university buddies, usually in the company of my Scots drinking buddy The Bookseller (recently reinvented as The Bookbinder), the only other diehard bachelor of our set. Finding the strained jollity and the increasingly ubiquitous happy-coupledom at these events rather oppressive to the soul, we got into a habit of hitting up the pub nearest to the church and downing one or two slammers immediately before the start of the ceremony - to dull the painful sensation of life passing us by.

I now have a deeply ingrained fondness for the ritual - on rare and special occasions. When you really need want to get a buzz on, there's nothing else quite like it.

Froog's Christmas Solution (No. 22 in the neverending series...)

Froog's solution to being abandoned by all his friends, and having nothing much to do over Christmas in a foreign country, and being too wretchedly ill to fancy going out anyway....

Spend the entire (four-day!) weekend at home, around two-thirds of it in bed... with a bottle of whiskey on hand for comfort...

When some people remarked to me via SMS that the whiskey-in-bed option sounded quite enviable, I observed, "Just so long as people don't start to think 'Jim Beam' is my gay porn star lover!"

Froog Solutions (21)

Froog's solution to feeling still rather antisocial....

Problem? What problem?! I have HBO now!

There's now a raft of good films I can watch for free every day. This could get dangerously addictive. Even bad films pass the time quite beguilingly (Jonah Hex, for example, is pretty bloody awful!).

Froog Solutions (20)

Froog’s solution to the problem of having no American friends left with whom to share Thanksgiving….

Solo holiday fun, on a budget: get a turkey sandwich from Sequoia and watch Planes, Trains and Automobiles on DVD.

Oh, wait – that’s not going to work. My DVDs are in disorganised heaps all over the new apartment: it might take me hours to find a specific title. And I have repeatedly failed to discover Sequoia’s new – devilishly obscure – location; that scuppered my similar plans for a low-key Thanksgiving last year.

Still, it’s a plan – the best I can come up with at the moment.

I fear it’s going to be a glum and lonesome and turkey-less Thanksgiving for me this year. I’ll just have to hope there are some decent films on HBO tonight.

And I need to start taking precautions against Christmas becoming a similar washout.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all!

Froog Solutions (19)

Froog’s solution to the problem of having only a week to pack and move (a process which last time took nearer to two weeks)….

Spend the first day procrastinating, spend the second day on a marathon bar crawl ending at 1.30am (well, it would have ended then, if I’d gone straight to bed…), spend most of the third day ‘recovering’ (erm, make that procrastinate some more), then begin the fourth day with a restorative lie-in.

Hmm, the next three days are going to be extremely fraught. But I think I’m going to make it. Just about. I might have to put in an 18-hour shift tomorrow to get back on track. And I definitely don’t have any more procrastination cards to play.

I’d better have moderate night of it tonight!!

I hate staying put in one place, but I hate the process of moving house even more.

Froog Solutions (18)

Froog's solution to the problem(s) of being broke, and having very little work, and having no decent job prospects, and being probably about to become homeless in just over a month....

Pack it all in and go on holiday somewhere!

It makes perfect sense, really. You know it does. 
[Hat-tip to my pal The British Cowboy for reminding me of this seemingly perverse predilection of mine that has so often been a vital source of consolation - nay, salvation - in time of trouble.]

Froog Solutions (17)

Froog's solution to the paralysing dose of procrastination he has been suffering in regard to a major writing project for the last week or so....

Force yourself, force yourself to sit down at the computer and open a new document.

Type the title.

Save it.

Send a text message to select friends, boasting of the breakthrough: "Procrastination is dead!"

Make a cup of tea to celebrate.

Blog about it...

Oh dear.

Froog Solutions (16)

Froog's solution to the problem of being fat and forty....

Lie about my age and my weight!

It works, I tell you, it works! I feel leaner already.

Froog Solutions (15)

Froog's solution to the problem of being attracted to a woman barely half his age...

Be so consumed with guilt, shame, embarrassment, and self-doubt that you never quite get around to asking her out in the first place.

[Everybody else's solution: "Problem?? What problem??!!"]

Froog Solutions (14)

Froog's solution to the problem of still having no work....

Watch Leaving Las Vegas again, and start calculating how long it might take to drink myself to death.

[Alas, I fear my savings are inadequate even for that humble task.]

Froog Solutions (13)

Froog's solution to the problems of having no money and no friends...

Spend almost the entire weekend in bed.

And god, I needed it.  It could start to become a habit, though - enjoyed that far too much.

Froog Solutions (12)

Froog's solution to the 'problem' of being - still - single as the dreaded V-day approaches...

Go speed-dating!

No, I jest.  I wouldn't be caught dead...

Well, actually, I have been meaning to give this a try - just in a spirit of fun and curiosity, you know - for a good long while now, but... my misgivings about the kind of crazies who might go along to these things with serious intentions of finding a partner are multiplied tenfold on the eve of this great Ersatz Romanze-Fest.  In March or April, maybe; but this weekend - I think not.

Weeble Solutions (11)

The Weeble's mental approach to enduring the CCTV Chunjie 'craptacular' with his future in-laws....

When quizzed by SMS as to how he was surviving the ordeal at around 11pm on New Year's Eve, he responded:

"Apathy, and thoughts of drink."

Froog Solutions (11)

Froog's solution to a conflict of debt....

Well, if I've owed The Weeble a wedge for a while now for renewing my VPN subscription for me on his credit card and I need to top up my electricity card... I figure I can live in darkness for a while.

Froog Solutions (10) [The L'esprit de l'escalier edition]

Froog's solution to the problem of being repeatedly embarrassed to be asked by strangers in bars what he does for a living, and blurting out answers that are inappropriately long and inappropriately honest, such as "I don't have any work at the moment and I'm not sure when I'm going to have any again and I'm probably more or less unemployable and I'm hating China these days and getting desperate to escape but I have no idea how I'm going to be able to do that" etc.:

"I'm in change management."

I wish I'd thought of that sooner.  I'm going to use it next time.

Froog Solutions (9)

Froog's solution to the problem of only having around 2,000 rmb to last until the end of the month:

Convert it all into booze (for drinking at home) now... and see how long it lasts.

Well, no, not really.  I did toy with the idea, though...

Weeble Solutions (10)

The Weeble's solution to the problem of new favourite haunt El Nido being continuously under threat of closure because the neighbours - not unreasonably - object to the amount of noise there after midnight...

Invite the person with THE LOUDEST VOICE we know to join us there at midnight.

Thanks, Weebs.  Outstanding work there.  Luckily, the laoban is a forgiving soul.

Weeble Solutions (9)

The Weeble's solution to the challenge of having to find himself a new apartment at very short notice...

Distract himself with much cathartic SMS grumbling about how "Mao had the right idea about landlords".