Well, it's been a year

Hello old friends!  I suppose this blog continues to die a long quiet death, as I pipe up every year or so with an update but also don't have much to say.

What to say?

The person I referred to as The Crush continues to be a steady presence in my mind and in my life.  I see her rarely--probably an average of once every six weeks or so--but we're in frequent contact.  We haven't ever really talked about the nature of our relationship, but I have told her I'm glad to have her in my life, as the thought of never seeing her again (as I thought likely a year ago) was pretty devastating.  I still overthink the entire thing (i.e. what does it mean when she doesn't reply to a text?) but less so now that our friendship has solidified.  At the beginning of the year I had a mental list of five very specific conversations I wanted to have with her; we've had all but one.  And I know if I ask the right question at the right time, we will.  (To be clear, that might take a fair amount of gin.)

No random person I could meet on a dating app could come close.  And besides, I really don't want to be dating.  I just finished reading The Other Significant Others, which thinks seriously about intense friendships.  Like Elseship, like Nothing Wanting, like Single at Heart these are books that remind me I don't need to want a romantic partner.  The problem isn't me; it's a culture that thinks partnership is the answer to loneliness.  Yes, it is an answer; it is not the answer.  The particular shade of my loneliness has to do with single parenting my particular kid at this particular time in my life.  That is a time limited problem.

There's a part of me that thinks I could be really happy in 5+ years, after Tiny Boy moves out, living in some kind of "retirement" community (to be clear, I won't have retired by then) or other co-living situation because what I really want--I think--is daily interaction and emotional intimacy with good adult friends but not romantic/sexual entanglement.  The particular shade of my loneliness is not the lack of a "partner" but the fact that almost everyone else I know IS partnered or deeply enmeshed.  I am thinking of my college and graduate school years, in particular, when I lived with or very near to others in my program and we would go to the gym at 7 am or watch a show together on a Sunday night (The X-Files, mostly) and then I'd go next door to my own apartment.  I was really happy in those days, I think.

And if you'll excuse me now, I'm going to go check in on The Crush.

The Crush and the Sad (Part Three)

Or: how do you make friends as an adult?

Or: in lieu of going to therapy.

I am wrestling with two oppositional needs.  On the one hand, I am highly introverted, "sensitive," and easily overwhelmed by engagement even with folks I care about.  My nervous system doesn't seem to recognize the difference between an antagonistic department meeting and a dinner party with good friends, for example.  It takes me HOURS to unwind after being out, and I've realized my cutoff for human contact is about 8:30 pm or I don't sleep well, if at all.  On the other.....I'm really longing for more connection with kindred spirits.  I just was at a dinner party at a neighbor's house, lively conversation, great food.  I met someone new, who I will probably never see again, but it was good spending time in her company, and also being with folks I already knew and care about.  But even this "safe space" felt good only for the first hour and change and then I was tapped and couldn't sit still anymore.  I was glad to have the built in need to leave, to get home to Tiny Boy and bed routine.

So, despite what is a very clear need for more connection....the idea of meeting new people in the context of "dating," say, is pretty abhorrent actually, even as I recognize the practical value.  I'm not sure how to meet people in contexts that feel reasonably good, and digging into this question is something I need to do more systematically.  Where are my people?

I am already doing the things where I might meet them....dance class and writing workshops among them.  Beyond that, I'm really not sure.

Hello Friends! (RBOC)

 Apparently I need to come out of the woodwork every few months or so...

• I adore my students but this semester needs to be done.  I'm teaching a senior capstone thing and there is way too much YA fiction about dragons/vampires/shape-shifting bacteria and none of this is remotely interesting to me as a poet/nonfiction writer.  Sometimes I literally can't process the sentences they write.  BUT I really do like my students and the dynamic between them is nothing short of miraculous.  It reminds me daily of why I do what I do.
• Single parenting a 13-y-o with ADHD is challenging in ways I have never experienced single parenting.  It is soul sucking and I am cycling through SAD.  (And seeing a therapist!)
• I am belatedly looking up summer programs for said 13-y-o and realizing the thing they wanted to do only goes up to age 12 and WTF am I going to do this summer, as TB really really really needs structured activity.  And I have multiple books to write.
• Speaking of:  I'm doing a couple book-related events (one online, one at a local bookstore) over the next week and change.  Online is related to infertility stuff; in person is a mishmash that will include published stuff and new stuff.   (How's THAT for vague?)  I'm doing it with a friend who has a NEW BOOK out.  But if you "know" me and want details, reach out via email!

I hope you all are doing well in THESE TIMES.  Excuse me while I go cry.

Happy New Year!

Hello friends!  It's been eons (well, almost a full year) since I've posted here.  But as I'm processing 2024 and planning for 2025, this blog feels like a space to revisit.  I just meticulously copied over some questions from SHU's year-end post and decided most of those questions don't actually speak to me.  The categories were helpful, though.  So...what is new in my world?

Work

I'm in year 2 of an admin gig which is going moderately well.  I'm good at it, and I like most parts of it.  The parts I don't like I am getting better at outsourcing, minimizing, or coming up with better systems for.  Unlike my previous admin gig, I can detach emotionally from most of it.  I had a teaching release this past fall....and now gearing up for "spring" class, along with a new committee assignment, so teaching/service will take up a larger percentage of my available work time.  As is my way, I have three active book projects and one making the rounds in hopes of securing a publisher.  That's a weird hybrid genre book, but I really like it, and the last rejection hit pretty hard.  Need to regroup and resend.  Mostly at my age (52) and stage of career (tenured full professor) I am trying hard NOT to overwork.

Kids

Tiny Boy is 13, LG is almost 21 (WTF!).  They are both doing well in their own ways.  LG is thriving in nursing school (third year) and working two jobs as EMT.  TB is in 7th grade, interested in children's theater, soccer, and D&D.  But 13....so a lot of rage in my general direction and parenting solo is particularly hard in this respect.

Health

Well....late March I messed up my shoulder/arm pretty badly.  It looked like I was going to need surgery through July and then turned a corner.  Magical cortisone injection into the shoulder joint made it possible for me to make significant progress in physical therapy.  My range of motion is finally "within normal limits" in all directions, though still limited compared to my non-injured arm, and there are things I will never be able to do again.  Now I'm doing baby strength training, quite meticulously, given involvement in multiple tendons in the shoulder/arm.  The process has been emotionally and cognitively challenging in ways I never imagined. My physical therapist is an actual former Olympian, among her many other talents and credentials, and I am grateful beyond words for her care.  

Favorite Media

I rewatched a good chunk of The West Wing as a way to calm myself before the election.  Really liked The Diplomat.  I don't do many movies at all, but the kids and I saw Wicked on my birthday and quite enjoyed it (though it was definitely 30 minutes too long).  We also saw The Wizard of Oz in the actual theater, which was a treat.  (I guess there's a theme here!)

Other Miscellany

I have been taking dance classes again (ballet mostly), which has been challenging with the aforementioned arm injury, but really helpful in terms of getting out of my head.  Also experimenting with visual art (paper crafts, mostly, though recent turn toward wire work).  Given my actual job reading is just not relaxing in a way that using my hands / body / other senses can be.

Anyway....I hope you're all well.  Drop me a line in the comments if you actually read this :)

RBOC (Where Have I Been?!)

Well.... it's been a while.  I think this blog is likely coming to the end of its natural life, though I'd rather not do something as dramatic as announcing I'M DONE.  I think I did that once, and started a blog under my actual name, and that didn't go anywhere.  Some of the goings on:

• This week has been unusually expansive in terms of evening hours.  Tiny Boy is involved in children's theater, and there's a show this week, which means TB is at the community center basically from 530-930ish every night (tonight start time is 5:00!)  The downsides: lost routines and sleep and not really engaging with each other in a meaningful way.  The upside: I have been taking advantage of evening hours to go to the gym, see friends, and putter around.  I continue to think about how to enjoy such hours, as they happen more frequently, and I don't want to fill them with work.  (Although I did a frantic email session for one of those hours Tuesday night, with French fries.)
• This sort of makes up for the fact that for the bulk of January Tiny Boy couldn't manage to get to school on time, and I was calling it a win if they got to school before 10 am.  UGH.
• I am teaching our senior capstone class for the second time and loving it.  Yesterday I did "speed dating" writing workshops; we did 5 rounds in 75 minutes.  (I'd planned to do 6, but my class has a way of talking and talking and derailing my plans, which is not a bad thing.)
• What else?  My extracurricular reading right now is clustered around self-helpy material on rest and poetry and nonfiction related to Jewish history and Israel.  Not so interested in novels, though Dara Horn's Eternal Life, which was a winter break read, was awesome.
• I don't know if there are any writer types here who are going to Kansas City next week, but if you are, drop me a line in my email or the comments.  My real alter ego is doing a panel and a couple book signings.

I hope you're all doing well!

Update, Because Apparently I Haven't Posted Since July?!

Hello!  So much as happened since July I can't even adequately account for it.  I didn't deliberately NOT POST.  Just living life off the screen.  Some goings on since July:

1. I took care of LG after a major surgery.  (LG is fine and currently living their best life.)
2. Tiny Boy and I took a vacation without LG who didn't want to join us but preferred an apartment with two roommates and two cats (I really don't know why.  Haha).
3. Tiny Boy started middle school.
4. I started a new admin gig, which is going pretty well.  It's what I like about admin, mostly minus the stuff I don't like about admin.
5. I had a book come out, which has been taking up a lot of time and headspace to support.  
6. I've traveled a lot, because of the above.
7. My actual BFF, who is another single mother, had unexpected surgery, which involved some unexpected care work.  It was cool, actually, seeing the way her "village" came together to get things done in a crisis.
8. We had a major bathroom remodel, finally, which took TWO MONTHS.  And given that was our only full bathroom, 5 weeks of that time involved showering at the gym or friend's houses.  The upshot is that it's November and I have nothing resembling a routine.
9. I went to the gym a lot.  (See above)
10. I started taking dance classes again (ballet at the community center and Nia at the gym).  
11. Tiny Boy turned 12 last week.  (WTF?  What is time anymore?)
12. LG got a new job in the actual town where they live and go to school, which means less LG at home, but I'm hoping that also means when LG comes home they will actually be home and not just using their bedroom to crash before night shifts.
13. I bought Tiny Boy a Gizmo watch for the birthday, which has shut down the calls for a smart phone which was never going to happen until 13+ (they can't have phones at school anyway).

I'm sure there was a lot more.  But these are some significant highlights.  Hope you are doing well.  Now I'm getting back to admin work.

The Hours Between 3 and 9

I have had a taste of kid-free (post-kid?) life this past month.  First, I was out of town for 5+ days for a professional conference / workshop, which was DIVINE.  But also not in any way indicative of normal life, as I was in another city doing highly structured activities from 9 am to 9 pm essentially.  Then I left Tiny Boy with my mother for what amounted to 72 hours, which is both no time at all and also....enough of a taste of what life could possibly be like post-kid as  LG was either at work or at their apartment in College Town for the bulk of these hours.

I managed to fill those hours in productive and enjoyable ways, including some intensive work on my current writing project, long walks, dinners with two friends (a third was planned but got rained out and rescheduled), a whole movie per night (I'm slowly working my way through Kathryn Hahn's oeuvre), "hobby time" (weaving), a tai chi class, and more.  It was expansive and lovely.

Now certainly it matters that it is SUMMER and I am not on campus (I'm only on contract--and paid--for the academic year, not the calendar year).  But still, the experience made me realize there are many hours in my evenings that I can sort of reroute now that Tiny Boy is 11.  I haven't fully figured this out yet.  But it's certainly reasonable for me to take a walk with a friend while Tiny Boy is in front of the TV (which is what he likes to do after camp), or take a class at the gym while Tiny Boy plays basketball, or use Tiny Boy's own scheduled outings for my own grown up plans.  To be sure, we spend PLENTY of time together watching movies, playing games, and on various projects around the house.  Part of the difficulty is it's not always clear to me on a given night if Tiny Boy wants to do his own thing or not, which makes it somewhat difficult to schedule (right now, we are home together as LG has the car; I am typing this and Tiny Boy is playing with Lincoln Logs and monologuing the entire experience.  Haha)  Anyway.....I am still sorting this out.  It's very easy for me to schedule time with friends; it's harder to remember I can pick up my weaving while there is nothing else going on.

Observations and ideas welcome as always!!