thoughts, again

Being an adult means you have to do most things on your own. Earn your own money, take care of your health, your happiness and even your own home. With these much responsibility, I can’t help but lose focus on the things that are important in my life. 

Everyone is growing old at the same time, but everyone age differently in their own ways. I am honestly tired. Of trying to keep my life together, or even the lives of others around me. Sometimes I focus too much on everything else but myself, I forgot to ask myself if I’m doing okay. Then when one failure or disappointment comes around, I fcking hate myself for it. Why do I do this to myself? Why can’t I ever speak up about how I’m feeling to anyone. 

Communications are so difficult. With emotions and sensitivity getting in the way, it only make people drift farther away. I miss those carefree days where I can just speak up whenever I want, ask questions whenever I’m curious, or be happy without even questioning if I’m allowed to. But now, the cold hard truth is that staying silent is the safest option. Even towards people who are the closest to me. For the fear of disappointment, anger and unhappiness of others prevails over the need to have a voice of expression. It all piles up unsteadily until I feel like crumbling along with all of it. It is when I realised how much I’ve missed out on every other things,  I regret - I want to move on. But I’m stuck in this whole loop again and again. 

Don’t we all just want to get a new life, run away and start everything afresh? I don’t know what to do. I’m just silenced again and again. Keeping my thoughts to myself, my feelings to myself. Is there anyone out there that’s truly concern about another. 

Letter to the Universe

"In a world that seeks connection, we oddly avoid eye contact, we time our responses in order to protect ourselves from seeming too eager or too interested, and we hold our feelings back because we don't want to seem overly emotional or unreasonable. We silence our instincts, and at the end of the day instead of feeling good about ourselves, we feel alone, we feel misunderstood."

The silence of life is deafening. 

This MCO is not only uneventful, it has been testing me in many ways. 

At least if I have a proper life to lead in the outside world, half of my concerns wouldn't even exist. 

Or at least, I wouldn't be aware of them. 

I'm insecure -- there, I said it. I am SUPER insecure about every little thing.

Almost every second / every minute when I feel this, I tell myself to be ignorant, not to care about how I feel, I tell myself I am overthinking.

But in fact, I just want closure, I want to know why I'm feeling this way, I want to have some clarity on all my doubts that are pulsing through my mind. 

But I just don't know how. 

In the past, when I try to embrace how I feel, I end up getting hurt myself.

What should I do? 

I would never get an answer. I've come to terms with the fact that every action of mine is based on my own decision.

Though I mostly regret it, every time I decide to be heroic and embrace my emotions, I only end up in tears, every fcking time. 

What then should I do? 

Sweep my feelings under the carpet? Try to act like my heart is made of steel? 

Not everyone can contain such heaviness. I'm the worst person to do that. 

But I'm trying my best. I have never concealed so much ever. 

This page, oh god, I really just swear no one is here. 

I asked myself if I want to embrace my emotions and come to terms with what I'm feeling? OR just run away from all of these "usual" and start anew? 

I choose the latter. A hundred times, I will choose to run away from all of these.

No insecurities, no curiousity, no questions, no doubts, no ignorance, just pure happiness. 

Then again, running away would take someone who has courage, I have none. 

If I can't even deal with my inner conflicts, how can I embrace something new? 

I want to be transparent, I want to lay all the cards on the table. Even if it means hurting each other. 

But one hand don't clap. I can only use this one hand of mine to slap myself and wake up from this anguish. 

Eventually, when I try to conceal everything, sweep everything under the carpet, I will have to lift that carpet up and face the mess one day.

Maybe not today, maybe today I choose to laugh and try to be happy.

But one fine day, one fine fcking day, I will have to deal with it and get myself hurt again. 

LIFE SUCKS FOR ME. 

You can say I have psychological issues, or if I fake happy very well, but this is the truth. 

What do you do when you can't get closure and its slowly eating you up? 

Today I'm fine with it. Tonight, I will just sleep on all my doubts, but what about tomorrow? And the day after? What then am I going to do about all of it? 

I just need closure. I just want to clear my doubts because they are all slowly eating me up.

I have issues, I know that.

Sigh. Why do I keep coming here whenever I don't know what to do? 

void

It has been 8 months.

I stopped posting, for the fear of being judged, for the fear that whatever I write here will bring repercussions. 

This is my safe space, this is my head space.

I hope no one is here, because sometimes only you understand you.

We all have our hiccups in life. Keeping everything in the physical organs called the brain and the heart will only result in self-harm. 

I am not happy.
If you asked me, at this point of time, am I happy? My answer is no.
Despite all I've got, why am I not happy? Am I just a selfish person who keeps wanting more?
I used to be so easily satisfied with the simplest thing.
I can't tell anyone I'm not happy. I'm just stuck with my own thoughts all the time.
Every single thing that goes wrong, has everything to do with me.
It has always been my fault, my lacking, my ignorance, my everything.
When will I not be at fault at anything?

  People let things go easily, the problem with me is that nothing ever leaves my head, especially the negative ones.
Being treated like I'm never good enough, having to deal with people I thought were family turning their backs against me and judging me because of the choices I make, constantly being reminded that everything is my fault and always having to apologise for matters which I should not.

I used to not back down in fights, I used to speak my mind, I would have clarified whenever I felt the need to.
But right now, everything is just as it seems. I just deal with whatever comes and just apologise, or take the blame for everything.
Because tbh, there is no more fight left in me.
Is it worth it? Being hurt further only to prove a point in an argument?
I'm tired, I'm weak. Call me a quitter or a coward, but to me its no longer worth it.
Even if I let people bully me, it's because of all the circumstances that led me to today.
All the undermining, all the ill-treatments, the scoldings, the rude words being thrown at me, etc.
I just don't want to fight, because I will lose every single time.

I hope no one is here. Please.
Just let me be, let me say what I want.
Most importantly, don't ask me if I'm okay or why did I say all of the stuff above.
Just let me be. Understand me, that's the most you can do for me.
Pretend you're not here. Take my smile as a sign that I'm dealing with everything okay. 

run away

It’s easier to run away than to know what to say. To the one’s who never left me, I’m sorry. Sometimes I just want to cave in, I don’t want to fight. We’ve been down this road one to many times. Going about the same damn thing all the time reminding me how horrible of a person I am. 

Why do I hold on to you? Thought I knew better. So easy to fall, too easy to fall. 

I’m trying but don’t know how. I try but I’m struggling. After all these time, you might say I’m wasted on you but when you break I’ll break for you too. I’ll take the punches for you but you’re the one throwing it. I know love has been unkind for the two of us. 

sorry

The past 5 months have been nothing short of eye-opening and everyday since has been a learning lesson for me. I can't deny I have been happy, I have felt anxious, I cried, I doubted myself most of the time, I didn't have the confidence to embrace the unknown.. but at every step I know I was not alone. Thank you for always making me feel like everything's going to be okay. 

I overcame most of my self-doubt and lack of confidence, but I still failed. You once said love should be simple. We'll always try to do something right, after all, love is hard, and when you keep trying to do everything right, it can still fall apart. I knew this day would happen; that one day both of us will just give up on me. I don't know what to do. I recite my next sentence a million times in my head, but I still can't seem to speak up. I've never felt so helpless. I know staying silent is ten times worse, but I really don't trust myself to say/do anything at this point, especially when everything is just hanging by a thread. 

I'm sorry. I can only say this a thousand times, but nothing will change. For everything that you've done, for your willingness to invest your time and income on me. Everything I've done is replaceable, anyone can do what I do; but to do it for love, without wanting any single thing. I just want you to know, I too, have never expected anything in return. I guess with that being said, I still failed, failed at the simple fact that I just want to do everything for you. I am human, I err. Few seconds too slow, lack of confidence and common sense at times, I fear a lot of small things. I cripple when I'm sad. My tears flow when its not supposed to. I know I'm no where near perfect. 

I'm sorry. 

I guess I know why you never held my hand tight proudly. I'm sorry, thank you.

2019

For all the hardships, the challenges, heartbreak, downfalls, etc.. I've faced , I survived. I'm proud of myself for the single fact that I've survived everything that had happened in the past, but I'm also scared. I'm scared of things being so uncertain and changing ever so quickly. Though I'm dealing with a lot more change than usual, the reality is that most days start and end with uncertainty. Anything could change in a heartbeat.

My past may not be the happiest. It may not be the smoothest, but then again, no one else's is. On most days, there are happiness, there are contentment and thankfulness for everything. Then there are also days where I fight solo battles, trying to prove my worth in this world. Self-comforting that I deserve a reasonable amount of love and respect I desire. I will always want more. More happiness, more love, more of everything good. Is that normal? Will someone turn their back on me because I can never settle with just having enough.

What even are struggles when we just look beyond the tears after it flows, forget about them after its done. We tell ourselves we're alright,  but we'll never know if the day may come where everything just comes rushing back forcing us to be powerless and just endure all of it all at once. There’s only so much one can take. 

p.s. I just want to feel like I’m the only one. No hiding behind what people believe is true. If this is the truth, why can’t we just make it a reality. How much more can I take?

undeserved

Am I allowed to pursue happiness and hold on to the good?

I always wonder why we have to go through his whole process of trauma, shame, loss and bad experiences.

Anything I perceive as positive about anything couldn't be real.

Any improvements or attempt to improve myself, will inevitably be taken away or must be balanced by sliding backward in some other way.

I do not trust myself. Every improvements seem even more remote every passing minute.

I don't deserve to have anything good in my life and I know I am the only one to be blamed for.

Its the unintentional self-sabotage whenever I mess something up no matter how badly I don't want to.

Sometimes, the universe just doesn't work in your favour. You tell yourself, I will do better, I will try better. But to no avail, I just feel undeserving; I'm not allowed to have it. No matter what it is.

This vicious cycle of feeling undeserving compels to deep-rooted self-loathing.

I don't even deserve to sit back and have a break for always failing to achieve expectations I should have achieved up to this point.

Then the doubts surface at every single thing you do, you lose your drive to survive and fight on, you just slowly lose part of yourself, slowly and surely.

following the heart

I've decided. From now on, I will follow my heart. Regardless if its broken, or restored, I will always follow it.

We go through so much emotional stress and sadness, our heart breaks a little every single time. How amazing it is that its still beating strong despite being used to feeling numb, despite having it getting tossed away and taken for granted time and time again.

Speaking of taking things for granted, I've learnt that every time you take someone for granted, you're teaching them to live without you. Sometimes people just don't notice your presence in their life until you stop being there. Eventually, when you're tired of being taken for granted, you put yourself first and make the decision to walk away.

I'm tired, of wanting to feel appreciated especially from someone who meant a lot. It doesn't just damage any relationship, it destroys your self-esteem as a person. It makes you feel like nothing you do is good enough, and worst it makes you feel insignificant; unworthy of attention you craved so badly. So yes, welcome to the end of the long, miserable road of relationship collapse. 

You.

You took me for granted. You thought I'd always be there, forever. You stopped asking for my opinion and advice; maybe you didnt want them. You made every decision without me, taking my instincts and how well I knew you for granted. Instead of making decisions together, you just made me go with the flow and accept your choices. Was I just an accessory in your life? We both existed at the beginning because of both our efforts, but it survived because I prioritized it. You cancelled on me so many times, just cause you're tired or busy and nothing changed even if I begged. Don't get me wrong, I want you to do something you like, but if I don't play any part in them so be it. It seemed like you had too much on your mind to listen so please don't point fingers at me if I poured them to another pair of ears. Life is too short to not appreciate someone else's value and how they flourish your life. From my point of view, we lost it. We will lose it over & over again until you are finally done with it. I don't want to focus on the negative feelings, but I tried. I tried so many times to work in correcting them yet we still end up at the same point. You said you keep thinking about the happy moments, but you know what? Nostalgia is a liar in how it montages our best memories while omitting our truths. Truth is, not every experience is meant to last forever. I know you are hurting and mostly feeling remorse, but you will hurt and you will heal. In time, you will realize, you are living without the one you thought you couldn't live without. I'm sorry we came to this point but this is something I've chosen myself, and that is putting myself first. 

To my next love,

I am not obligated to keep anyone in my life and if you decide to stay, let it be mutual love that keeps you here. I will learn to stop sacrificing my own peace for the happiness of another in fear of hurting the other person. On speaking hurtful words, let's not do it, even at all. Hurtful words can be thrown anytime, but you apologise a thousand times; you can never get it back.

p.s It is when you relate and reflect on hurtful words / hurtful moments, you mistreat yourself at the worst level.

let go.

This happened to me, to us. But if I keep blaming myself or anyone else for what is done, it justifies pain, it'll only recommit to the pain and continue with the pain.

Those things happened but I want to let go. I want to imagine my world and re-imagine my place in it.

People let down, but what's the use of suppressing the pain, of being tired of disappointment.

let go. 

this is hard

I've had many setbacks in life, probably more than many of the people I know. My life isn't perfect, there are some things I should and should not be doing to make it better. 

Why can’t I choose to be happy? I woke up this morning feeling like an empty vessel, looking for a sign to make me smile, but I just can’t find any, worst is feeling like there’s nothing to look forward to, only looking back to happier times and what could’ve been. Just forcefully getting pushed into the system of the 9-5 regime living this fucked up life we call reality. If every single day I’m gonna feel like this, I rather don’t live. 

What is the meaning of life? Of trying to be happy when we can’t get what we want. We still feel alone although we have someone. Have I been searching for happiness in the wrong places all these while. Is it in the form of a person, a book, a song, or is it just myself?

I’m really trying to be tough on my own, but I can only embrace so much. I have this blog, I know you’re always out there reading it and that makes me feel less alone, but what if this will never be enough for me, what if this alone doesn’t stop the tears. Why do I always want more. 

Some things you know its real, but you just can’t tell any single soul in this world. You can’t even share it with that one person because “it’s not the right thing to do”. Now, look back and see what’s “better for me”. We try to please everyone else in this world except for ourselves, denying ourselves against what we want and doing what makes us happy. So I asked myself, is happiness really a choice? Or its just a mere state of mind we force ourselves into. 

How do you ever know for certain that you’re doing the right thing. 

我知道我应该勇敢自己面对每一天。

grow

Words can be so promising, so hopeful. Talk is cheap everyone can say whatever they desire, but what if they don’t mean it when they say it. I’m so done with empty words, I’ve gone through emotions that came and went without having any grasp in the heart.

I don’t want to be comfortable in accepting idle  conversations. We all want so much more yet everyone is so afraid to commit to their own words. We all want forever yet who is courageous enough to actually mean forever. Everyone tells me; even I believe myself having commitment issues. But who doesn’t? 

When was the last time did we ever look at someone straight in the eyes and mean every single word we say? All our words are buffered with a ‘but’. You said you’ll always be there for someone, but are you always there? No. 

What I’m trying to say is.. we get disappointed because we have high expectation, on words alone. Is it wrong to be naive and take every word as it is? Or is it worst to be the one saying what they don’t even mean and giving meaningless hope. 

You know what, I’m done trying to force some meaning into other people’s empty words because more often than not, you dont even mean it.

Hello to more shallow conversations. Thrive for personal satisfaction because people disappoint. Period. 

expression

Letting out all your sorrows and unhappiness takes more courage than you think. You need to find the right listener, the right time, the right mood, everything. But what if one thing is not right? 

I’m sorry, I poured out all my tears and stress at the wrong time. 

You know what’s terrible timing? When you so badly need a shoulder to cry on but someone else is relying on you to be their main support. I’m sorry again I wasn’t there for you even for that brief moment. I needed an outlet; and I turned my back on you just so that I can look the other side and cry. I know it’s selfish but we’ll never know who needs what more. 

I’m just sorry for letting my feelings and stress get in the way. I know its your big day, like I said, I just needed an outlet. I can’t keep it in me any longer. 

thought book

I’m considering to start having a thought book, like a physical one to just write my thoughts at any second / any hour of the day.

I know I have twitter for that, but having a place to write them down without anyone seeing it feels soul-enriching somehow.

I realise now how stupidly expressive I can get sometimes, and it’s not even a good thing.

When you’re filled with emotions that is when you’re destructible. 

it's not even midweek

I get uncomfortable with the thought of mediocrity; of waking and working in the absence of meaning.

2 months here in this firm, I wouldn't say I dislike it here but we all have that one thing inside ourselves that always want to be a part of something bigger.

Something out of the ordinary.

Then again, the grass is not always greener on the other side.

In that unknown world full of possibilities, they too can be a temporal self-indulgence.

I constantly need to remind myself, that the love for what I do is also for those who benefit from it.

Its not only about recognition and gaining experience, its more about growing towards the light in the long haul so that staying alive gets easier.

But I'm learning that every steps counts, and that includes the gruelling days I wished there was some other way.

Perhaps, I am built for this.

Now back to completing that Affidavit that's taking me longer than it should be.

'I did it my way'

Sometimes we're okay with people leaving our life, but sometimes we're not.

Grandpa has been admitted to the hospital for a few days now, after he had a fall.

He fell several times but this may be one of the worst.

It's heartbreaking enough he chose this solitary life, what more to see him in pain.

Making a choice is subjective, people say 'I prefer this..', 'I rather do that..' or 'I don't want that..' but do we truly know if its a disposable choice, an unwilling assurance?

He was once fearless, firmly stands by his words, heck he was once so relentless everyone was compliant.

It's a fact that when we age we lose our status as persons even so we lose the respect of fellow beings.

Everything that made him once mighty and firm has been muddled into a confusion.

Aging is a scary thing. Your body starts failing you bit by bit, organs shutting down one by one.

Sigh.

It's scary; you won't even know when it is time to go, when will be the last time you see a familiar face.

We all want to be happy everyday don't we all? Live our life to the fullest, seeing every part of the world, dancing and partying till the AM.

How often do we grasp the reality and embrace the fact that our parents, even grandparents are getting older every second.

I am posting this, because I too hate to admit the cold hard truth but I'm putting this out here and it doesn't make me less of a person..

..that I am afraid of losing him. I am afraid of the day where we bid our final goodbye. I feel uneasy seeing him lay in the hospital bed. I am disturbed by the fact that he has to be nursed by others who are not family to him. I am troubled by the fact that he is alone most of the time.

I have the exact same birthday as grandpa and we always celebrate our birthdays together, grandpa and mine. It has always been a happy and exciting affair for our family and it has been 25 good years celebrating our birthdays together eversince I came to this world.

Every year we have photos of Grandpa and I standing together behind the cake, while everyone else stands in front of us.. it was such an honour, truly.

Now, I am just afraid of the time when I have to spend my birthday all to myself. 

farewell?

There are some things that are far beyond our control.

Even if you have the strength to fight for them, you have to accept the cold harsh truth;

this life is impermanent.

Because regardless of an ephemeral life, tomorrow will still come. The clock will keep ticking.

Every commitment, every rendezvous, every friendship will end somehow. 

It is between hello and goodbye we make it worth.

Goodbye is the most painful way to solve a problem but sometimes we just don't have much choice.

Everyone we meet in our life holds a special memory, though it may only be a fragment.

To you,

We stopped talking after some time.

Know that for as long as I live, I will never not think about you.

We had our fair share of fun, looking back.

We all heard it; people come into our lives for a reason. Bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them, and we help them in return.

Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I am who I am today because I knew you.

I can't say I've changed for the better but because I knew you I have been changed for good.
I admit, my ego may have gotten in the way somehow. Sorry I was not good enough, not kind enough and not appreciative enough although I tried to be.
I'm not a perfect person, I say stupid things, then take it all back. Putting that all aside, I'm sorry for how things turned out between us.
Thanks for the memories. When you look back, I hope you smile.

Till then,

The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.

June what?

Hi y’all. I’m still alive.

The last time I posted here, I was not a lawyer yet, the country was still in the hands of the 61 years ‘OG’ horrible coalition, and I have not started this new job. 

Two months later from then, I am officially admitted to the Bar after what seemed to be forever (cheers to that) and I am employed! If you’re familiar with my sad pathetic rants, you’ll know how much hardships I’ve been through, no scratch that.. you’ll know how much hardships my mind has been through. Its seriously all just mental games. But that all has helped me shape and mark this current moment as a significant point in my life when my life is finally back on track. Life may keep piling shit on me, but its possible to get out of any rut in life. 

Life these past 2 months has been so interesting. Yes, there are times where I feel stagnant; daily routine of waking up, going to work, come home, go to bed and repeat. But in the same 2 months, there was also Bali, there was Penang.. and Hatyai. I know it was all cramped up in 2 weeks, that also means my next vacation might be in a long time but it doesn’t matter, it was still much-needed. I expected to have horrible vacation withdrawal blues when I’m back, which I did, but I’m also super glad 155 and I made that random phone call that fine day in April, and made the randomest decision to fly to Bali the next few weeks. 

That being said, my life is currently not all paradise and vacations. Today, I worked my butt off till 7pm, tomorrow I still have shitloads of work to be done in the office. I can go from “My life is so shit right now!” one day, and the next day I’ll be saying “Oh guess what, I’m actually doing damn fine today!”. But you know what? More presence, more awareness.. give yourself a pat on the shoulder every step of the way, even if you stepped on shit. 

Expression is survival. You can do it however you please. 

the problem with problems

is that they grow like weeds. We pull one out, another will sprout again. 

Its never ending.

Humans created social media apps to solve the problem of connecting with others. Now we have a problem of not knowing how to disconnect.

We meet someone we’re not supposed to, say nice to meet you; and now we don’t know how to say goodbye. 

The problem with problems is that there will always be problems to solve. But how do we fix them all? 

Maybe we don’t, maybe we can’t. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe the best we can do is to offer our best regardless of the aftermath. 

carpe diem. 

dilemma

Sometimes I think I own all the problems in the world, having to make tough decision and facing endless dilemmas.

Then sometimes I hear other people’s problems which are so major and life changing, I feel like my problems are insignificant.

Funny how every little things affect me so much back then. 

But now, as we grow out of all the setbacks, we see our problems like a day to day challenge and face it fearlessly.

Tomorrow is formally my last day of chambering at KPNA. 

Where did the past 9 months go?

Feels like its just yesterday I was still on my first day at work, trying to ‘act busy’ in the firm, putting on an act to make myself seem useful. 

Now towards the end, I’m just glad I get to finish my work and leave the office before 6pm. 

After this chapter of my life closes, its time to make adult decisions; like an actual employment. 

That is one I have to really think about and put my foot down on whatever choice I made. 

Here goes everything. 

31

Losing my focus on what I wanna do with my life.

2 more months until I'm done here.

What next?

Sometimes things really don't turn out the way you want, and I'm still finding every courage I have to let go of the inevitable despite it being my dream.

Guess I'll just have to find new dreams to work towards.

p.s And I was wrong, it's not only 36 weeks that makes up 9 months, its more than 36 weeks apparently.