Offended

I commented in sympathy to this post

This was the response.

"No offence Sethy but Africa and countries there are not part of civilized world, at least not with standards of civilized world we expect from developed countries."

I am offended and I have nothing more to say about it.

Twins

No, I am not going to post pics of them lol :)

Just realized though, that I have at least 1 member of FIVE sets of twins on my Facebook Account. And I don't really have a lot of friends. They are all either family, close friends and of course a plethora of old high school buddies. Then there are one or two cute guys, and some blog and journal friends.

Twins:

- My Stepmother is a twin. I don't really know her brother that well.

- Bruce and Gerrie went to school with me. I shared a room with Bruce in my second yr in high school. They both run game farms now. Elephants come to Bruce's pool in his garden to drink...

- Jacques And Clinton (Jacques is on my friends list). They are the sons of a very dear friend. Both in their twenties now, they are completely different. Although they are technically identical twins, Jacques has learning difficulties and had behavioural problems throughout his life. He is bigger than Clinton. They really don't like each other, and live continents apart now.

- Mignon and Lisa. Two old school friends. I still can't tell them apart, except Mignon is pregnant now lol.

- Graeme and Andrew. Identical too. Still the naughtiest set of siblings I have ever met! They recently hit forty, but when they are together, the party just does not stop! They both play guitar, and they know enough pub songs to last a long weekend. They did all the girlfriend swopping, teacher confusing that you only read about. They are still difficult to tell apart, though Graeme is quieter and a little more serious now.

My Dad's twin sister is still alive, and their father was one of a set of identicals. My grandfather lost his brother in the 2nd world war, so I never met him of course lol. I am not THAT old.

I had to giggle though. A friend of mine's wife was pregnant the same time us mine for both our kids. We had been discussing, and had agreed that two kids max per family was the right thing to do.

Their second pregnancy produced triplets hehe....

Time for bed....

Fuck, I am following so many damned blogs now lol... I guess I love to interact. So I try comment somewhere everyday, but just can't get to comment on all.

Just wanted to say before I head to bed:

Happy Birthday to my half brother, who I saw last year for the first time in twenty years. Actually both of my half brothers. B, the older, is thirty-one today. It was his birthday that week, so it's been exactly a year ago. He lives in NZ now, Wellington. On a working holiday in Ireland, he happened across a beautiful girl from Kiwi Land. Not too long after that, they were married.

He was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago. Amazingly, after treatment, it is in remission, and has been for nearly two years now. Cleverly, he has banked some sperm because the therapy has left him sterile, so hopefully in the not too distant future, we may add another niece or nephew to the entourage. We have six between three of us. Older brother also has three stepkids. Us four older boys are all vasectomised (?lol) so no more from our side. Besides, oldest is nearly fifty (omg), bro2's wife has had a hystorectomy, bro4's partner is 13 yrs older than him, and I am gay lol.... So def no more kids for any of us.

The younger of the two half brothers is twenty-seven now (I think) and single after breaking up with is gf from highschool finally hehe. (I secretly wish he is gay so I am not the only one). Sadly, they were very little when our dad passed away, so it was kinda fun spending time with them, telling them stories about the dad they never really got to know. The younger lives about four hours from me now, but I haven't seen him since our little reunion last year. He is a lot like me in many ways, and looks more like my father than any of us, though he is blonde for some reason lol....

Thanks for the comments on the Life Changing post. I will dedicate a seperate post to answer the comments, especially to a local commenter (my first so far which is kinda freaky for me).

Oh, and I added my first blogfriend to my real life Facebook account.... oooooooo! That's kinda scary for me, but we'll give it a go. *waves*

Why can't I stop typing???

Why?

And actually all I wanted to say was sleep tight. I have a feeling tomorrow will be better than today :)

The things that change us

We can all look back in our lives and remember incidents that have changed our life courses, or simply changed our state of mind. They may have been small incidents, a thought, a look or a smile. Some are more traumatic.

This is one of those incidents. I am going to make it short, because the incident itself is something I would prefer to forget, but how it changed my life for the better will remain for me always.

It was the 4th of July lol... 2000.

I had returned from the bank to my home office with a bunch of cash to pay subcontractors. We had a security system. Eight foot wall, electric gate, security doors, alarm system etc etc.

I opened the house, then my office and checked mails. Took the laundry from the machine to hang it on the line. My wife was at work, and kids at daycare. When I got to the laundry area, someone with a knife took me from behind. There were two of them, I never got to see their faces. I was tied up with packaging tape, blindfolded in my bedroom. Anything of value was loaded into my van. Electronics, PC, clothing, bedding, all the cash of course. I was loaded into the back of the van with one of them. It had a canopy with frosted windows because I frequently carried a bunch of expensive equipment around with me. We drove to a gas station. I was made to give up the pin numbers of my cards, they drew what they could from the ATM, filled the van with diesel, and we were off again. I thought they would throw me out somewhere, or my body of course.

We parked somewhere in a garage or building, and stayed there for two days. After that, we went on a joy ride, me still in the back with all my stuff. The tape had been removed from my body, and new tape around my face. A rope replaced the tape around my body, as it was slowly coming loose. They went from town to town, stopping for booze and basically drinking away the cash.

They took me on Tuesday midday. On Friday night, we stopped somewhere rural. An older black woman talked to me softly though I couldn't understand what she was saying. She fed me traditional maize meal, and a beer. It was the first food or drink I had had. I had prepared myself to die, if not by their hand, at the very least from starvation and humiliation.

That night, by some miracle, I managed to gather enough strength to part chew my way out the rope, and wiggle it loose. The plan was if we drove near a crowded area, I would smash the back window and make an escape.

My plan was foiled as they placed a guard with me in the back, but luck was still on my side. They picked up a woman, a prostitute I guess, and we drove into a forest. They left the van and went into some thicker brush with her. The back door hadn't been locked, so I slipped out, hoping the keys were still in the ignition, but they weren't. I took the blanket, all the cash I could find in the front, my camera bag (NO-one takes my fn camera), and slipped away into the forest. I hid in a gulley while I heard them driving around the area, shouting threats of death if they found me.

When I was sure they were gone, it was night. I followed the sound of trucks descending a pass. I walked to the nearest town about a three hours away, staying some way from the road, afraid they may still be in the area. At a gas station on the perimeter of the town, a good samaritan took me to the police station. I called my wife. She thought I was dead.

My family drove the five hours to fetch me. A cousin lived closer, and he was there within an hour. He took me to a friend who lived in the town. I was a mess. I burnt my clothes after showering for more than half an hour. I thought of the movie Dead Man Walking, and vowed then no matter happened after that, I have a second chance. A chance to live, no longer just to amass wealth and things. A chance to live a life that mattered. A life where I could make a difference in others. A life where I mattered.

The following day, my wife and I were sitting in the waiting room waiting to see our gp so he could record my injuries for the police report - a bunch of bruises, a few minor cuts, dehydration, an allergic reaction to the tape. I said to her that my life priorities have changed.

I think that's really where we split up. I became someone different.

I went for counselling, she never did, thought it was weak, though I think it was more traumatic for her. My kids thought I was on a business trip. My counselling turned into a discussion about my sexuality. I guess something good came out of it.

So... stressing about the odd financial hiccup? meh....

New Followers

Hey there!

Welcome to Highwayman from The Night Rider. He's a cool guy with a family whose looking for answers.

Welcome also to JustK from Ten Seconds At A Time. Gay teen guy from Tazmania (I heard once that homosexuality is actually illegal in Taz? An urban Legend?) Anyways, I like his writing style, and he's just a boy going through school. Pop in and say 'Hi, Sethy said you had a cold beer for me."

And also to Jeremy from Falling Trough The Void. He's a 20 yo engineering student who sits with his legs crossed :) Hey Jeremy! Have a cool day Boy!

Umm, perhaps I don't know what I am doing, but I cannot get to a profile from my followers list. And I have to go to my reader and look for clues if I have a new follower... And I follow so many lol.

Yeah, and talking of mails (was I talking of mails?) I love getting my inbox positively loaded up :P

So drop me a line, gimme an intro, and lets start some literal intercourse.

seth.hobart@gmail.com it's also my msn if u ever find me there :)

It's my blog

So yeah, as it says above, it's mine and its a place I will from time to time get a little down etc.

It's always a temporary thing, and is usually money related. I work for myself, and sometimes stretch myself financially to a point of madness while I wait for clients to pay. I have learnt to deal with the stress of not being able to always pay bills on time. It's just things.

So right now, I have the equivalent of a quarter in my wallet, an overdraft that has run over its limit, enough gas to get to the gas station (I think). I have just run out of cigarettes (not a good thing during a period of stress), I have enough food to last me today and tomorrow, and all the bills arrived today.

Oh, and my daughter wants a guitar.

Oh fuck....

Its going to be an interesting few days. I can borrow more to get through, but I hate hate hate debt with a passion. I dont even have a credit card or any clothing accounts at all.

Shit I need a fag.

Preferably a rich one. In his twenties. Who will obsess over my cock.

Workable Monday

In typical style, I am the only dick who had work to do today, which is a public holiday. It is Heritage Day here. This means that if you are caucasion, it only serves to remind you how UnAfrican you are; how terrible colonialism was; and that we were never taught any of the eleven indigenous languages when we were at school during the famous Apartheid Years (A period of time to which any bad thing currently happening can be traced back to, and blamed on).

No, No... I am not racist. Don't get me wrong here. It's just sad how one can be made to feel like an illegal immmigrant in your land of birth sometimes.

If you have read 1984 by George Orwell, you will remember there was a government department whose sole duty was to rewrite history based on the government's statements. So if the government said that an event never occured, this department would access every written account of it, and destroy it, so that it could never be proved they were lying about it.

*I was going to rant some more, but deleted it*

But suffice it to say, that the current school curriculum makes no mention of anything good achieved by white people (unless they were fighting for the ANC against apartheid). Four hundred years of my own heritage in this country erased.

And Patrick just texted me to tell me he is booking the the Cape Town trip... so it looks like it is on.

Why do I feel anxious about this whole thing? Perhaps its just a general feeling of anxiousness.

Had a long breakfast with W this morning. We talked about a lot of stuff. Was choking up at one point. Funny how it takes a different angle to clarify a situation. I was explaining to him why it is so important to work for myself at whatever cost. It has everything to do with the fact that
my whole life has been lived for someone else's gain. And I just can't do that anymore. I can't wear that mask anymore. I am not one to look for kudo's or awards, but it always seems that in every relationship I have been in, both personal and professional, I am the one always giving, while the other party smiles and takes. And calls me a good boy with a pat on the head.

Then stopped to say hi to mother and came home to finish some more work. The client left at 9pm. I am Photoshopped out....

Its funny how this clients work depends on how I make it look. It has a look that is 'his'. It's why he gets work.

Which one would you prefer in your album?


"Good Boy. Now go to your room."

MSN

So I have created an MSN account for friends around here. Posted on my profile page. I must add that I will seldom be on, but mail me if u want to chat, and if I am around (seems I am around a lot these days) I will gladly pop in....

Would appreciate a mail warning me you want to add me, so that I know who I am dealing with beforehand, unless your signon blatantly lets me know who you might be.

Not into camming (I have only one exception on that front), but will occasionally indulge in a voice chat if you REALLY want to hear my funny accent....

I do love mails though, and am pretty good at responding.

So hit me up sometime, but only if you're interested :)

A quickie

Welcome first to Le New Follower: Randy Pennington. Perhaps I am just doing something wrong, but if you have a blog or a profile at the very least, please comment somewhere here so I can make the welcome more official by linking to you. EDIT: I suddenly realised who you are Or just pop in and say hi :) Perhaps even drop me a mail (it's on my profile) and let me know a bit about you... I will have sleepless nights otherwise - like I do cos I know so little about Torchy!boi.

So today was uneventful.. My youngest joined me cos the ex is off to some social (obviously child-unfriendly) thing. But that's typically closet lesbian (Did that sound a little bitter?)

We watched a couple of DVD's. I made pasta for late lunch, then we joined Iain for a sundowner at Le English Pub (Not to be confused with Le Irish Regular). It's closer and next door to the Rasta style place where Iain was meeting his gf later. He made a bit of an ass of himself trying to show off his enormous general knowledge of the universe, fucking it up spectacularly. Luckily my daughter knew more about what he was talking about than he did. Let's not forget that she takes after Dad in the knowledge department. Hmpphh... He lost some points today - in both our books. Sadly, he is irritating me more and more as time passes. How do you break up with a friend?

Then Patrick texted me to tell me he is having a beer with an old school friend of ours (whom we both had the hots for, and who is rumoured to be closet). So I answered that he should tell G that anyone who drinks [insert beer brand] has got be gay. No answer yet lol. And no talk of Cape Town hehe.... methinks he was in drunk and horny texting mode last night. I guess the week will unfold the plot.

Client came to collect some Photoshop work today. Happy as always of course. We went through some photo's for an album I am putting together - he will be back tomorrow after I have done the layout so we can order it all online and pay with his card.

The afternoon beer has made me sleepy as it is apt to do, so I am off to bed. Shit, I am following so many blogs now, it is becoming difficult to keep up and comment where I need to.

Sometimes I feel like this...

Perfect Date

Gauss Jordan, in a comment, asked me about my perfect date....

Right now, I have two alternatives; Sex or Long Term

Sex Date involves someone in their twenties, top or bottom (versatile here hehe). My minimun standard is a drivers license and his own car. Some pub food, or perhaps a movie, minor chit chat and home for all night sweaty sex. I will insist on paying for everything. We go for breakfast (if he doesn't have to be up early for school) in seperate cars so that he can leave from there. His text afterwards says: Mwah!

Long term date involves someone a little older, perhaps mid to late thirties. Good restuarant. Good vintage red wine. Preferably oysters to start, a good fillet and perhaps a Creme Brulee for dessert. We will discuss politics, the economy and the service by the waitron. A discussion on the lack of decent eye candy at places like these will follow. Afterwards, we will go to a place where there IS eye candy. Preferably a straight place where we will openly kiss and dance close to whatever music is playing.

A good kissing session will follow in the parking lot, after which we will leave seperately, confirming our next date.

Several suggestive mails and texts will follow over the next few days. Our second date will be dinner at my place (or his place). Simple and healthy food with good red wine, followed by two hours of foreplay which will include a good dvd and copious amounts of kissing on the couch before we retire to the bedroom. Sex will be a combination of respect and request.

In the morning, coffee (filtered) will be served in bed by the host, after which we will go for breakfast at a trendy spot in the arty end of town. Bills will be split for the first three dates, after which we will alternate paying.

Saturday Night Out

So W invited me for supper and a beer or six.

We met at Le Irish Regular as usual. Some pub fare, beer etc. just light chit chat stuff.

Biboy joined us and we had a good old chat about everything from the Concorde to prices of condoms in Dubai. Biboy is leaving for London via Dubai on thursday, so he's pretty excited about the whole thing.

At some point, Patrick texts me: Don't call me; just tell me if you want to go to Cape Town this weekend...

Okay - background info:

Patrick was the first time I came in someones mouth. We were thirteen.

Twenty years later, we met up through the net. he is married, two small kids. I was getting divorced at the time. I met his wife, our kids got on famously, we did family stuff together.

All the time though, he is sending me naughty texts. Every time we are out together, he happens to have one of his (awesomely hot) employees with. Patrick runs his own company that has a lot of young salesmen. He employs on looks, and trains accordingly. Result: an office stocked with twenty good looking boys at any one time.

So at his house one night, barbecue, friends etc. Everyone leaves, I am sleeping over because I live across town and had been drinking. A few of us (and hot boys) had been skinny dipping. Wife and kids go to bed, boys leave. Patrick is kissing me, and wife walks in on us. Needless to say, it was a bit of a fuckup. I left the next morning before anyone was awake. We never really spoke for two years. But I must say right now that he started it, and knows it was his doing, and has dealt with the consequences accordingly. So his wife doesn't know we still chat ocassionally. He has moved to the coast. We see each other once every four months or so. No sex mind you lol....

So tonight he texts me: Lets go to Cape Town, I'll pay for the ticket, just be at the airport on Thursday.

So I say okay.. lol. What's the occasion? He says: Lol, just a couple of mates. Staying at my flat there.

So I laugh a bit, and he texts: Just make sure you shave. No, not shave, wax!

LOL, so I am off for a dirty weekend in Cape Town on Thursday apparently. Fuck, I love the gay night life in CT. It's our local San Fran, or Sydney I guess.

I have a feeling though that there is an ulterior motive. He has been wanting me to join his company for a long time. Perhaps this is the right time for both of us. Maybe I am wrong lol.

But all in all, W, Biboy and I had a good quiet chatty evening.

I guess Patrick will call tomorrow when he is alone and make arrangements, or apologise for drunk texting....

I love friends....

W is taking me for supper lol....

I wish we still did benefits.... but it just became a little too complicated.

Probably cos I still love him.

Ah well. He's a good man. Perhaps one day he will figure out what he wants.

laterz...

Saturday Morning

Quick post - I have a ton of photoshop work that I am behind with. A wedding and a Barmi. The client is coming later this afternoon, so I have no choice but to finish. I got absolutely nothing done yesterday - was just fn depressed again ugh! I hate being broke lol....

And a warm welcome to Kyle, whose interest in photography is similar to mine (events where there are shirtless hot guys).

And welcome also to Jeremy whose French accent already has me breathing a little too deeply.

Had a long chat to M last night - probably my longest running online chat buddy. He lives in Sydney with his bf and was having a bitch session because his bf is lazing around after completing his studies and making no effort to find a job. He is certainly one online guy I WILL meet one day, whether it is while I am in OZ, or he comes over to SA to visit and some holiday stuff. He was my first online crush, and at one point, we spent hours and hours chatting together. These days, we chat perhaps once every two weeks. Trying to get him to start blogging, but I know he won't lol, he's just too busy usually, and just not into that kind of thing (he is a very private person).

Fuck, I have two dates lined up, but while I have no money, I have to make excuses not to be able to go out. I have a feeling my internet may go down later today or tomorrow because the payment went through my account last night, but there were no funds so will probably be reversed later. Ah well, such is life sometimes I guess. I just wish it wasn't.

The problem is that when I spiral down, it feels like I am frozen - like a small animal cowering in a corner or perhaps shamming death until the threat disappears. One would think at my age I would be able to cope better. I am tired of wearing a happy mask, it's damn hard to keep up.

Sorry for the downer, but it happens to the best of us.

A discussion on economics

Danish Guy has been an online friend for ages. I love debating with him. Just a copy and paste of our discussion tonight. It may bore some, but it's my blog right?



Danish Guy says: What's up with work?

Sethy says: mining industry is fickle lol
i been contracting, and they frozen contracts for now

Danish Guy says: You mine now? O.o Working ore?

Sethy says: hehe, no, building 3d models of the geology

Danish Guy says: Ah. Geology.
You are sooo yellow in the Whole Brain test

Sethy says: oh yeah? explain? hehe

Danish Guy says: Just a personality test It's the out-of-the-box insanos

Sethy says: hahaha
sounds about right lol

Danish Guy says: So are you insured? I mean: coping.

Sethy says: yeah, still income from previous project, but planning on other stuff now
just tightening the belt a bit
adapt or die basically lol
i have been looking at software that helps dyslexic kids read
set up a small practice

Danish Guy says: Wow, that's almost altruistic!

Sethy says: kinda time to give back
not a lot of money in it, but a lot of satisfaction
and theres always a market in education when times are tough
its an economic decision too of course

Danish Guy says: Ah, yes. Like people flocking to government jobs ( like me)
It really was never an ambition of mine, I must say.

Sethy says: of course, but times are changing
some would say a move to global socialsim

Danish Guy says: Not in my neck of the woods

Sethy says: perhaps, but take a close look at 'western economies', a move to providing more to the poorer and/or battling middle class
US, Australia, UK
all have strong social security programmes
France, The netherlands. the same
gov's are pushing money into 'rescuing' capitalism
if that's not a move to a more socialist environment, then I don't know
just don't name it that
cardinal sin lol

Danish Guy says: What do I know. We've had that for ages.
It's falling apart from within with the funding, though.
All those goods are still based on value generated by capitalist markets.

Sethy says: yeah. A whole new series of economics text books are being written as we speak

Danish Guy says: Yes, but if there is no safe bet even for investments to just hold par against inflation, then how exactly
Regulated capitalism. I'll buy that.
Socialism? 5 year plans? A job for everyone? No thanks. Saw that in Eastern Europe.

Sethy says: Regulated Capitalism is the only real way, but it will take some time for that to be affected. It's the problem of the widening gap between few rich and masses of poor that has put us here. New text books as I said. New look at regulations. How rich does an individual need to be? Or a group of individuals?
A shiny new term to define some middle ground. Perhaps Responsible Capitalism

Danish Guy says: Fine with me.

Sethy says: ja, and add to that, social and environmental responsibility, something that "western" economies are only just starting to see.
It is an exciting time though. I am glad I am here to experience it

Danish Guy says: I don't buy the green wave.
Companies will do it if the penalties are larger than the investments.

Sethy says: Perhaps even China will see it in decades to come

Danish Guy says: And I know from the power company I just worked for, that we can't do it even if we wanted to.
Not unless you and I stop using electricity and gasoline.

Sethy says: I know, but it is a seed that requires planting in the youth of today, in the unwritten text books
A tangent the new youth needs to lean out on

Danish Guy says: They'll be busy dealing with The Hubbard peak.
The world is running out of oil Exploding demand will meet plummeting supply.
Kids born today may never own their own car unless it's completely powered by solar energy or wind charged.
And that still leaves the problem of generating electricity with much more coal without creating and explosion in CO2 emissions!!!!

Sethy says: Of course...

Danish Guy says: *an explosion
Trust me.
I saw the numbers.

Sethy says: Oh yeah... I know that

Danish Guy says: My old company is partnered up with MIT and Cambridge.

Sethy says: The research is all there, but economies are big ships to turn
But turn they will have to

Danish Guy says: They're best in the world on cleaning smoke from coal and natural gas power plants. And they can clean 0.5% of the total emission with the largest facility built to date.
The goal is zero CO2 emissions by 2050.
The investment needed would make electricity 20 times more expensive in today's money.
And that's given the supply of coal and oil and natural gas doesn't plummet as it is about to.

Sethy says: Scary times indeed.....
and all i am concerned about really is getting laid lol

LGBT rights in South Africa

As a follow up to my last post. This article in Wikepedia makes me proud to be South African. Perhaps LGBT activists in the States can use this as a reference.

Some may argue that we have a high rate of HIV infection. Closer inspection of the stats though, reveal that the highest new rates of infection are among heterosexual groups, and HIV transmission through birth by HIV positive mothers.

The blame for this can be squarely laid at the government's feet, who for years under Thabo Mbeki and our ridiculous then Minister of Health Nkososana Dlamini-Zuma (Ex-wife of our President in waiting) who advocated the eating of garlic and beetroot to prevent HIV transmission.

Luckily, much of that has changed. Through the actions of Zackie Achmat and his Treatment Action Campaign ARV rollouts to the poor have finally gained critical momentum.

Here is a great site set up by GALA (Gay and Lesbian Memory in Archives) whose mission is to record the history of LGBT in South Africa.

And if you are gay and intend traveling to South Africa on holiday, be sure to check the OFFICIAL South African Tourism guide on the Pink Route.

Thanks for allowing my indulgence into being a proud gay father living in South Africa.

Right Wing Stirrers

Hey thanks guys for the cool responses to my last post!

Just reflecting on this post by Micky at Its Getting Better. We are all very proud of the fact that Steevo in Cali helps to raise our awareness of gay rights in the US.

Goleftatthefork notes in commenting that gay acceptance is very low in the states compared to the UK and parts of Europe he has worked in. I couldn't agree more. What happened?

I agree with Steevo that it takes a few stirrers to get things going. Where are they these days? It seems the stirrers are all from the far right.... It just seems almost surreal to me that fifteen years ago, we in South Africa lived in one of the most conservative countries in the world, governed by a minority by force, with draconian laws with respect to freedom of speech and expression. EVERYTHING had to pass through the Censorship Board. Our media was state controlled, including television. Anything that promoted racial harmony or sexual freedom just never saw the light of day. I tried smuggling a girlie mag back from the UK when I was seventeen, and was subsequently humiliated and stripped searched at the airport.

How all of that has changed. Gay marriage is legal, consentual sex at 16 is legal. Child pornography is illegal and vigilantly policed, but other than that, there really has to be a hard case to get anything else banned or removed from shelves. Hate speech is a big issue, and is entrenched in our constitution.

Gay kids are coming out at fourteen and fifteen to their friends and parents.

But of course, it is not all roses and cucumber sandwiches. Rape stats are still the highest in the world and the worst cases for me are men or teenage boys against really small kids - hardly sexual, more of a power thing. Kids gang raping older women. These are usually in rural areas; areas with very high levels of poverty and unemployment. Idle hands.... and alcohol and drugs.

Another issue is the latest craze of drugging girls and capturing the resulting gang rape on mobile phones, and it spreads like wild fire. The perps are usually highor drunk as well. Social mobile phone chat rooms are also a worry. While we allow our kids more freedom to express themselves, we have to still remember that they are still kids. Kids that deal with peer pressure like never before. Kids with access to so much more than ever before. Kids who in many respects are so much more exposed to the seedier side of the sexual spectrum and exploitation.

So the best we can do as parents and teachers is first of all EDUCATION. Secondly SUPPORT.

I regularly introduce 'situations' into conversation with my kids.

"What happens if this person asks you to do that?"

"I once did this and regretted it, or these were the consequences."

"The consequences are this or that, even if it seems fun at the time."

I still have rules - even though they may seem lax to some of my fellow parents. But the girls know the boundaries, and as teens, they push to them often. And if they fuck up, sometimes I will cushion the fall, other times the best lesson is to let them face the consequences.

I let my kids see me as a real person. Somoene who laughs a lot - and sometimes at inapropriate things. Someone who cries when he sad. Someone who is sometimes scared. Someone who has the capacity to love, not just them or their mother, but others, regardless of their gender. Someone who is also a sexual being, and understands that they are all of these things too.

I beg all teachers and parents out there: Just take the time to look, understand and support. To give and accept attracts so much more back into your own lives. Show UNCONDITIONAL love; it is your OBLIGATION as a parent or teacher.

Thank you to educators like Steevo and the principal of my kids' high school. Thank you to the parents of gay kids that show them love and acceptance. In loving and accepting them, you are allowing them to love and accept themselves.

And thank you for the support shown to each other by fellow bloggers. It is not the most ideal situation to have your only form of support through this forum, but it is a start...

Stay Safe

Sethy

Blog Posting 101

So... post number 101! I still can't believe it!

I was toying with blowing my anonimity with a few pics of Sethy and family. Quite honestly, I have nothing to hide really, and if someone I know irl stumbles here, it wouldn't really stress me that much. But then I thought of how you good bloggers may have built an image of me in your minds eye, and it may just serve to disappoint.

That got me thinking too though of a really cool idea! Perhaps I should put up a list of my followers, and troll around for images on the net for pictures of how I percieve YOU GUYS hahaha!

But then I thought it may offend some of you (or surprise you?) What if I actually - through some perverse coincident - I actually post your REAL picture hahaha!

Col suggested I post a group photo that I was in, and not let anyone know which one I was, but it would be too obvious. I am almost always with hot young guys, and I would stick out like a sore thumb hehe.... I wish lol. Actually, I'm always the hottest in any group shots. I hang out with ugly people so that I look good. hehe.. kidding of course.

And I am so amped that so many of you have done the SONGS post. I had no idea it was going to be such a success - and so uncanny lol. Rapha was telling me that his media player only chose english songs from his collection which contains a huge portion of Brazilian music. Uncanny indeed.

So, I am sure from the photo's below, you will easily pick me out from a crowd if you happened through my sleepy town any time soon.

Enjoy the journey Boys! I certainly have so far....

Gay moment

And where I hope to be next week. No internet, No mobile coverage, for a week.

Election Day

Me, I voted Freedom Front Plus for my provincial vote simply because they have done a lot of work in our province towards the preservation of the Afrikaans culture, and it's another vote against the ANC. And also because i know that the DA just doesn't have a chance here.

For my national vote, I chose the DA (Democratic Alliance) led by Helen Ziller. This is because we need someone with balls in the official opposition, and the more votes... etc.

So yeah, bring on the thought police....

Stood three hours in the voting queue, pretty much what I expected anyway. Took a flask coffee, but only had one cup lol... it was pretty cold, but the vibe was good, and chatted with a bunch of strangers. Actually a fair amount of eye candy too. Only wish it was midsummer so that there was a little less clothing involved....

had lunhc with my mom and my aunt after at a little seafood restuarant. Fish, Calamari and chips. Excellent as always from this place. It's my favourite Sushi joint, but because they were paying, I managed to resist the temptation. Pity Sushi is so expensive; I could simply live on it.

Then went home to check mails and stuff, and off to Le Irish Pub for a beer or ten with Iain to celebrate being good citizens.

Home at 7pm, a little inebriated, but all good.

Fuck, I need to get laid. And soon.

Enjoy the journey, good bloggers.

Oh FUCK, just realized this is post number ONE HUNDRED!

Hmm... the next one will be lighter, and more in line with the momentous occasion itself.

Perhaps I will post pics of me... It's not like I have anything to hide. Though I have had at least ONE comment from a fellow South African. But he lives abroad anyway.

Lol, but perhaps you have built up a mental image of what I look like and would possibly disappoint....?

What ya think? hmm?

Call the fucking Thought Police!

Red, Red Wine

Ah... red wine, pizza, good friends and dvd's on a Tuesday evening. All good.

Was dragged out to W and Ali's place as I expressed I was feeling rather down today. I even managed to scrape enough together for a reasonable bottle of merlot to take with. Pizza's were of the frozen kind, but W added copious amounts of extra cheese, and crisp fried bacon before popping them into the oven one by one. God, he is a funny boi though. Up and down off the couch like a fn OCD with a rat in the kitchen. We waited ages for Ali cos it was her turn to lock up at work.

Watched Hancock for the millionth time, and Quantum Solace for the first time.

And two pics of Le Irish Regular I keep mentioning. It is our local watering hole, and pretty much the centre of the universe I think. Thank goodness the legal drinking age in South Africa is eighteen...

Sorry about the quality; the old HTC is not famous for its camera work.

Voting day tomorrow

So yeah, tomorrow we go to the polls. They are calling it the most significant elections since 1994 when Nelson Mandela became our first black president.

It's far more interesting this time round though. In the past, people have voted out of loyalty. Parties were racially stratified. If you were black, you generally voted for the African National Congress (The ANC) who have been the ruling party since 1994. If you were black, Zulu, and lived in the Kwazulu Natal province, you voted for Zulu Prince Mangosuthu Buthulezi's Inkatha Freedom Party (The IFP). If you were white, and spoke English, you voted for the Democratic Alliance (DA), and if Afrikaans was your home language, then the Freedom Front Plus (FF+) was your party.

Some permutations have occured though. The ANC is now led by a Zulu (Jacob Zuma) - it has always been a traditionally Xhosa party. There is a new breakaway party from the ANC called The Congress of the People (Cope).

The DA is now led by the charismatic Hellen Ziller, who has been Mayor of Cape Town for five years, and was recently voted best Mayor in the world by international press. From being a party that simply whinged about everything the ANC said or did, they are a real force. A Hillary Clinton combined with Maggie Thatcher type.

What everyone who is not voting for the ANC agrees on though, is the importance of not letting the ANC take a two thirds majority. This would give them the power to change the constitution, and is very very dangerous indeed.

For the first time, actual delivery and policies are important, rather than just voting blindly loyal.

My Guess at the national results?

ANC 58%
DA 12%
COPE 7%
IFP 6%
FF+ 2%
etc... 15%

We also vote for local ward councilors, and provincial parties. We have nine provinces. I think our ballot paper has twenty-four parties on it. The rest are made of parties like the Pink Party (gay), the Green Party (Enviro-mad), the African Christian Democratic Party, and the South African Communist Party.

Last year, 16m people voted, they are forecasting 20m this year. Let's hope the Obama magic rubs off, and will give people the courage to make a change, rather than to just vote how they always have.

Interestingly, this year is the first year that South Africans living or traveling abroad could vote (that was over the weekend). Convicted murderers, fraudsters and rapists have the right to vote from prison.

I dislike electioneering season immensely. It brings out the worst in people.

It's always a sad thing

It's always a sad thing when someone we love passes.

I never knew Razz, but judging from my newfound friends here in blogland, he was somebody special to many people.

Some of you have written touching words, and I am sure his loved ones and family will appreciate them.

Goleftatthefork wrote "In reading torchy's words, and some of the other posts regarding Razz I draw some comfort that maybe there is more reality there than I realized."

Yes, there is reality here, even when we seek escapism. But it serves to remind us that we are real people here, with real feelings, real issues, real pain and real joy.

I was reminded of an online friendship that developed between my old (online) friend Tim in the US, myself and a really cool guy Josh that we met (online) near Brizzie. Tim is older than me, and together we were supporting each other through various issues. Josh disappeared offline after he had a fallout with his father after coming out to him.

Tim and I were in a panic not knowing what had happened to him. What made it worse was that we weren't even sure whether he was using his real name at all, and there was no way of contacting him in any way other than through our regular MSN chats.

A week later, a stranger invited both Tim and I into a conference to tell us he was J's brother, and that they had buried him that day. He had left instructions on how to get hold of us, as we were at the time the closest friends he had. He was just twenty-six, and had committed suicide because of what transpired with his father we assume.

It's for this reason, I shy away from advising too much. I would rather relate my own experiences, and whoever may stumble across my blog can take what they will from it. It is beyond comprehension for me that we live in a world where there is still so much prejudice, sometimes even from our own families.

Rest in Peace Razza

And Josh, may you be in a place where no-one judges you.

Coming out... slowly does it

It was boxing day. The ex and I had already negotiated seperation. We hadn't told anyone, except the girls. We told them we are doing a trial seperation for now. It's the hardest thing either of us had had to do. There was always the fear that we are somehow going to damage them, but up till now, we both still think our kids are better off with us being apart. And they think that too.

She was with some friends with the kids, I was at Little Brother's house with family. The plan was we would start telling people a bit at a time.

I blurted out that it looked like her and I were going to divorce. There was a stunned silence. On the outside, we were the model couple. My cousin (female) was the most shocked. She had just married, and said after that her and new hubby had discussed that they would model their marriage on what the ex and I had managed to achieve.

Later, after many drinks and food, cousin and I were dancing, and I whispered in her ear that the reality was that I wasn't exactly straight. She giggled and held me closer and kissed my neck. She whispers back in mine: Oh shit!, There goes my childhood fantasy...

A gay friend of the family was also there. He left early, but left his jacket. I called him to tell him, and he said he was at a friend, literally down the road. I left and popped in to drop his jacket. I was drunk, and on a high from telling my cuz. I told the gay boy after a drink. His friend and I ended up snogging on the couch. It was amazingly liberating. Finally, I had told somebody within the circle (two people now), and there was just acceptance. And finally, I had deep tongue kissed someone known to the circle. No guilt. I went home and basked in the glow of knowing I had a new life ahead of me.

A new look....

A did some fiddling with colours and stuff, and a new Title Block.

And some pics.....

Some Rally Stuff

And let's not forget the spectators

Grounded!

My oldest daughter, soon to be fifteen, is becoming a typical teenager I guess.

I hate peer pressure, and as much as we try and prepare our kids for it, it always rears it's ugly head from time to time.

I would like to think that both of my girls are well balanced, and I rate our parenting skills up there with the best. We are neither too conservative, nor do we just let them do whatever they want.

It was my weekend with them, but she asked if she could spend Saturday night with a friend, which I am cool with. I know the friend, and her dad, and she has spent a lot of time there over the last six months. We texted several times on Saturday, as we normally do if she is staying out.

I went to collect her yesterday afternoon. I chatted with the dad for a few minutes, and all seemed okay, until we were in the car. She burst into tears...

Seems the dad had invited a bunch of his friends over for a barbecue, and to watch the rugby. One of the guys has two sons, about the same age as my girls. The older boy, at one point, brought a beerglass with alcohol (sounds like it was brandy - neat) into the room where the kids were hanging out. Everyone had a sip of course, but the boy obviously had too much. He went to the bathroom, and when he came out, he had obviously fallen, and had a cut above his eye - which he never seemed to notice. He sat on the bed between my daughter and her friend, and then proceeded to puke on both of them...

I know how sensitive my daughter is to seeing someoene else puke. So she was off to the bathroom and was puking too. Yes, I think whatever she had had to drink contributed to her nausea.

So her dilemma in the car was firstly that her mom is going to find out about it, and because of the puking it was going to be assumed that she had been drinking heavily, and secondly that she actually had something to drink in the first place.

The offending boy's father apparently became aggressive and beat the boy.

So the anger was rising in me. Not at her. But at the father. Mainly because he never mentioned any of this to me when I came to collect her.

Now, I don't mind if she has a drink like a glass of wine, or a Spin, or something like that. As long as one of us parents are present. My limits are: No alcohol with boys. Period. No alcohol at someone else's house. Period. And absolutely no alcohol if there is a sleepover involved.

So she learnt some valuable lessons, and it scared her. The ex and I (and the friend's mother) had a long chat before I let her speak to our baby. So we agreed that she is banned from the friend's father's house indefinately, not because of what she did 'wrong', but because we don't trust him anymore to provide a safe environment for a sleepover.

But we have grounded her from unaccompanied hangouts at the mall for a month, simply because accepting the alcohol in the face of peer pressure must be shown to be wrong anyway.

OMG, parenting is HARD!!!!

Especially since compared to my own experiences at her age, she is positively angelic.

Sunday Evening...

Just a quick hi....

Got lots to blog, but tired and decided to couch and watch tv.

Had to ground my oldest daughter for the first time ever. It's been something.

More tomorrow.

Hugs y'all (lol, sounds terribly redneck)

S

Just a quicky...

Just a quick Sunday Morning post to Welcome two new followers.

I have been following Gauss Jordan for some time (Google his first name before visiting - it will give you some insight into who he is).

RC just joined as a new follower too. I haven't had time yet to go through his blog yet, but I promise to be up to speed within a day or two.

Here's hoping you've had/are having a great Sunday..

Oh , and Craig surprised me by actually arriving yesterday afternoon as promised, but more about that later. The weather is simply too good to be sitting behind the PC updating.

S

Friday night out....

So W and I went for a quiet evening at Le Irish Regular last night. Just a bit of scoff and a few drinks, and to catch up on the weeks events. The cricket was on the big screen tellies, so that was cool too, except that we lost grrrr...

Ali and Biboy were at the game, and Biboy had borrowed my Zoom.

There wasn't really a lot of candy, so it was a little disappointing on that front. We got to chatting to a str8 couple which was a bit of fun, and prior to that we had indulged in some sexual anecdotal stuff which was cute. Cute, cos we seldom discuss our own sex lives.

The str8 couple guy went on the age guessing game with us which is always fun. We guessed him right (33), they voted W at 32 (he just turned 28 lol) and guessed me at 35 (Touchdown!!!).

I always love it cos I am never taken to be 42 my real age lol, so that made my evening. All that moisturising paid off then :)

Though I come from strong genes. My older brother and I def have more of the Italian side. he is forty-seven this year, and if anyhting, looks younger than I do. He works out though, and cycles, and does motorcross and such butch stuff.

When I got home, I put the phone on silent, and crashed. At about 4am, I turned and noticed my phone light up. Always afraid of what might be the subject of middle of the night calls, I grabbed it and answered. It was Vince. omg, W and I had been discussing him last night, and I had also just thrown a lot of his stuff away on Thursday as part of my clean up process I am going through.

I haven't spoken to him since October last year, but this has to be a long post on its own. Remember my 100 things about me? I mentioned father and son... well this is son. And he is poison. Well at least I know now he is alive, albeit as fucked up as ever. He lives in a parallel universe. He was clearly on a Mary-Jane high, and we chatted for almost an hour.

Oh, and an old friend Craig is due to visit this afternoon. Well, I never hold my breath cos he has promised the same thing three times over the last four months and he never turns up, but he sounded a little more committed than usual.

omg, my life is complicated.....

Coming Out - Kind of... The office party

I had been married for less than a year. The company I worked for really treated their staff well, and at the slightest hint of an excuse, we would party. We had just migrated tons of data successfully to a new system, and had spent three nights in a row testing and retesting. So our Ops manager decided we needed a night out. When I say 'we' I mean fifty people or so.

Being the ops manager's right hand boy, I arranged for us to go to this really off the wall Portuguese restuarant in the heart of the CBD. There were two main groups. The first were the programmers and the DBA's, who were mainly long term contractors and in the age group from thirty to fifty. the second group - the one I interacted with on a daily basis - was a large team of 'floor workers' . They were young - mainly researchers - and an eclectic mix. I had somehow moved through the ranks quite quickly, and this group envied my position as right hand boy. I guess I was twenty-four or so, and they averaged around nineteen.

For some reason, they mostly adored me, guys and girls. I was always on the floor, spurring them on. I was a process specialist, and any way I could find to make their work quicker I pushed for implementation.

So I was with the younger group for most of the evening. Drinks were on the house, so we were all taking turns to order a round. Sambuka, then Schnapps, Vodka, and so it went on. So when it came to my turn, I ordered the boys Portuguese Fire Water (Aquadent), and the girls Tequila Gold. It became a competition - I was the 'older guy' they were all trying to impress.

Needless to say, most of the group left fairly early as the alcohol was just too much. I was a pretty hardy drinker, so I joined the older crowd in the bar downstairs. I was very very drunk by this time, but had managed to stay upright until the last of the competition had left.

The oldest of the programmers was a guy called Bruce. I guess he was fifty or so. His partner John was eighteen - a delightful little queen. A huge chunk of the IT guys and girls were gay. I joined Bruce and John, and the rest of the evening was just a blur.

It took me over an hour to find my car. When I got home, there were all these cars in the driveway, and I suddenly realized that my wife and I had invited a bunch of friends over for a barbecue...

When I went inside, I just said hi to everyone, and promptly retired to the lounge where I woke the next morning with the biggest of hangovers ever.

Thank God it was Saturday, and the wife just laughed at how I drunk I was when I got home the previous night.

On Monday, it was back to work as usual. We spent some time in the canteen laughing about the events of the Friday. Later, I had to go to the fourth floor to Bruce to go over some results of the latest testing. Sitting in his office, he leaned over the desk and said to me: "You know that you told me you are gay on Friday, right?"

We both burst into laughter, and he came around and hugged me. He told me that I had pulled him and John aside and told them I was envious of their relationship and shared some sexual anecdotes, while attempting to get another beer down. Luckily, no-one else had heard, and Bruce assured me it would remain that way.

Even though I was married, and quite happily so, I kinda felt a little liberated in a way. It was like, yeah I am happy, and yeah I am also okay that I have a gay side, and yeah I can live with it. And I did.

A Birthday Bash

Funny that W's birthday falls on the same day as Prom Queen I dated in highschool, and so does little queen Gary-boi lolz...

So we meet at Le Irish Regular. I have my girls with me, so we can't stay late, and I am broke anyway, so just a few beers budgeted, and something to eat. We order some pub fair, and I order first round.

Ali is there with Biboy (who insists on flirting with W and I even though he is kinda dating Ali). W's parents are there too, and so is his eternally hot hot hot brother.

W is all giggly with the flow of alcohol, and his mom is in top form (love her to bits). She was an air hostess a million yrs ago, at the same time my dad was a pilot, so she knew him in passing... so she is the glam type, even though she is well into her fifties. His dad is a boring old fart, but even he was dispensing some dry humour.

Biboy is teasing me about my age as usual, mainly because I introduced him using a nickname W and I have given him, so he's trying to get back at me, but failing dismally. My oldest daughter kept calling him by his nickname the whole evening, which was pissing him off in a cute way lolz...

I pay my portion of the bill intending to leave, but they will have none of it, so we stay till 9pm, everyone pitching in for the next few rounds.

So tonight the girls are with my mom-in-law and I planned to veg on the couch and watch the final One Day between Oz and SA. It's a daynighter, so I can just sit with a beer or two and enjoy. But W is on his own tonight, Biboy has tickets to the actual game, so he and Ali are in the crowd today *jealous*. W has just msn'd me to go out for a few tonight, so we will head off to Le Irish Regular, have a couple of beers, and check out the candy together.

Had to laugh at my mother though. A couple of weeks ago we were talking about all the birthdays this month, and I mentioned it was W's too, so she enquires his age. So I tell her he will be turning 28. Lol, she nearly fell off her chair, thinking he was much older, like closer to 33 or so.

I guess she still has to get used to me dating younger guys. Last year, I was seeing this guy who was 22, but seriously, he looked like sixteen. Always having to show ID wherever we went. So he accompanied me to a show where we met my mom and her sister.

At some point a few weeks later, W, Iain and I were at the pub, and mother stopped for a drink or two as well. While I ws chatting to W, I heard her complaining to Iain about 'that fn fourteen year old' I am dragging about. That was before she knew how young W was I guess lol....

W just comes across as being older because he acts it I guess. Kinda 25 going on forty type personality.

I wish I could stop loving him lol...... It would make things so much easier. last night I texted him: Thanks for cool evening, luv u

*head on desk*

He just answered with a smiley....

Makes note to self: NO DRUNK TEXTING DAMMIT!

Ah well, I guess once I have been paid, I have a few prospective dates lined up thanks mainly to a local gay dating site. been swopping mails with a few guys, and putting things off till I get paid.

And Little brother texted me earlier cancelling our dinner plans for tonight. Thank goodness, cos bothe W and I forgot about it. So I asked him if he is okay, and he said he has no work either, and trying to look for more....

I think he is in a bad place now. He just spent $10,000 on a new motorcycle, and wrote it off two days later, and not insured yet.... So that's gotta dent the finances somewhat :(

He holds the record for writing a brand new car off - three hours ten minutes after he took delivery. Luckily that WAS insured.

Coming out.... (Part One)

The first person who actually found out my deep dark secret was my little brother.

Let me say first that I never considered my self gay at first. I just thought boys were hot, had sucked a few dicks, and was being used by a pedo... that doesn't mean I am gay right? I had several girlfriends through highschool, but experimented a lot with boys sexually. I never once wanted to sleep with any of my gf's - touching girls in any way scared me physically.

I kept a journal of sorts, mainly just putting my fantasies about several of the boys I knew down on paper. It was an erotic exercise.

I was home for the holidays in my last year for the first time in two years (I hated being at home). I had been catching up with some old mates in my hometown, and was pretty tanked on Vodka when I got home. I had seen Alex, the soccer boy, and I wanted to write about him. I got out my journal from where it was stashed under the matress. I opened up to where the last story was, and found a whole piece written by my little brother, telling me he is okay with me being gay, and he will always defend me if it ever came up.

I lay on the bed, clutching the book to my chest, and just sobbed uncontrollaby for what seemed like an hour. It was the first time it became real to me. The first time that I had to face the fact that perhaps I was in this category. GAY... ffs, it was a word that scared the living daylights out of me. Gay wasn't even a word that had become fashionable yet, it was a new concept.

There was no prejudice in his note to me, just love. I wrote a response to him in my journal, and left it so that he could easily find it.

The next day, at the bottom of my response, there was a small 'xxx' written below in his writing.

The context is important though. Him and I really grew up seperately. I went to boarding school, while he chose to move in with our grandmother for most of highschool. Her house was our home. My mother had remarried, and Stepdad was an arsehole, so we stayed away. We hardly spoke at all during highschool. I only found out recently that one of the reasons he left boarding school after his first year there, was because he was being teased about being the 'gay boy little brother'. It makes me sad, because no-one ever said anything to me directly, and I never knew he was suffering the consequences of me being gay.

The word now being on paper, and it all being real, I went into panic mode. I didn't want to be gay. Trevor and I had finally had the fights of all fights, and I had moved out from him, and back into the hostel for my final exams. I had decided that that part of my life was now over. No more boys, no more Trevor, no more journal, no more gay. I burnt the journal shortly after that and decided I would rather be on my own and leave it at that.

We have been really close later on in life.

After high school, I moved back in with Trevor. He was so closet, it suited me. And much older too. I lived with him as 'business partners' until I was twenty-two. I finally moved out again, and again I denied my sexuality, mainly because we were always living a lie, and wanted no part of it. I thought it would be easier being on my own, and dealing with it on my own. That's when I met my ex-wife, and I just continued the denial until age 37.

Welcome!

And a warm welcome to Andrew from Boy Around Brisbane. He is quite new to our little commmunity, so pop in and have a beer with him. I mentioned to him in a comment that Brizvegas is one of my favourite cities in the world. Partly because one of my favourite people in the world has made it her home for the last twelve years. And let's not forget Surfer's Paradise during schoolies....

And some more pics from my album...

I know he won't mind me posting pics of him on the net. I used a friend's studio and we all got wondefully happy on red wine afterwards.

Seagulls of course

Seen at my birthday party this year :) and I didn't even have to pay for him to be there

From The Sethy Album of Proud Pics

Rescue work during floods

Sunset from the balcony of where I used to live. I miss the place.

In the Karoo. They bite. Really hard.

My favourite beach. The water is cold most of the year, but in midsummer, it is welcoming and a magnificent snorkelling and scuba spot. Situated within the Storms River Mouth Nature Reserve. I never swam this day, but my daughters braved it. Pretty much the whole day.

The Beacon Isle Hotel - Plettenberg Bay, South Africa

Poll Time!

So since I don't know from Google Analytics how old my visitors are, and since I am a bit of a stats whore, I really would like to know what age groups are actually popping in here.

Since I love to ramble, and offer unsolicited advice sometimes, it would be nice to know to who and how it should be directed.

And a little reward below for your efforts...

Some thoughts

Since my divorce (well some time before actually) I have come to realize that I was not alone in the situation I was in.

I have come to meet (mainly online) a lot of guys that are married, or have been married that are battling with their sexuality.

For me, I tried for many years NOT to be gay. The were a few motivations. The first was that because my first real 'gay' experience happened to be with a pedophile, and I had it in my head that being gay meant that I was or could end up being like that. The second reason was a comment by someone when I was really battling with my sexuality in high school. He said that I would always be gay, and I shouldn't fight it. In context, it was a hurtful thing to say, so I made it my quest to prove him wrong. Thirdly, I always wanted a family. With my own kids.

And then I met my ex-wife. She was smitten with me, and I enjoyed the attention. We went through the awkward throws of inexperienced sex together, and after living with each other for three years, we eventually married. Two years later, we had our first daughter, and soon after that, we found ourselves with a second angel.

Sex was never good. We lived together more as friends, sex occasionally happening when we were both horny, or after a good night out with a lot of alcohol involved. She always suspected my sexuality issues, but we were never a couple that could actually talk to each other about real things. We spent our time together trying to build the perfect family, with the perfect house, in the perfect suburb, with perfect kids. But we never spoke.

But, at some point, after twelve years of marriage, we began talking. In riddles mainly, hints...

Then we met a couple. After some drunkenness at a dinner we hosted, somehow we all ended up in bed together. There was never the intention, but somehow being with them was electrically charged. The conversation was always about sex. There were dares. We progressed over some weeks to touching the same sex of the other partners...

Needless to say, the ex and the other woman started seeing each other seperately, and the husband was very obviously straight. I think we were all subconsciously sabotaging our realtionships. My wife and I, after many weeks of silence and not being able to talk about what was happening (I never knew at this point that her and the other woman were having an affair), just decided one day that we are on different paths, and it would be better if we seperated for a while.

It has been an amazing journey. Yes, stressful, sad, emotional. But we remain good friends, all four of us. Our kids are friends, we all see each other regularly. The ex will call me when her and C are having problems and she will cry on my shoulder.

The two of them are not out to anyone except me. They live two seperate lives, but while I have the kids, they stay with each other. I am out to everyone, including my kids.

I have noticed over the last few weeks, that they are being a little more daring in their sharing, so I think that is good for both of them. I am proud of them.

I still love her in my own little way. But have never been IN love with her. I have no regrets - how can I when I have two beautiful, well balanced teenage daughters?

We have been apart for four years now, and neither of us have ever been this happy.

My mother said to my oldest daughter last weekend: When your father said he was going to marry your mother, I thought WTF? He's gay.... But thankfully he did, and I have two beautiful granddaughters.

My kids laugh at how different we are, and comment often that they don't know how we stayed together for so long. But we can laugh about it because we talk about it, and we never show regret, because we don't.

And Speaking of Music

Probably my favourite band of all Time is The Cat Empire

The lyrics of this song have a special meaning to me.

The Lost Song.

i had nine lives but i lost all of them
and ive been searching the night
and ive been searching in the rain
i tried to find them
but they disappeared
they walked away they dressed in black
they left my side and all i say
is that i wasted time
when i looked for them
for now i know that things gone past
are never to be found again
no never never again
i had nine lives
but i lost all of them

i had a plan
but i never finished it
and ive been searching for the thought
and ive been searching in a haze
i try all days
to remember it
but now the blueprint in my mind has gone
my mind forgot the colour of direction
and my eyes they see the hands
that could of built
that could have constructed the empire in my mind

the empire
i'll never find
i had a plan
but that was where it ended

Wishmaster - Nightwish

RULES:
1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS.
4. You KNOW you wanna copy and paste!

IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
Love Me or Hate Me - Lady Soverigne
lol

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
The Reflecting God - Marilyn Manson
Oh yeah!

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Drugs - Marilyn Manson
haha!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
The Happiest Days of our Lives - Pink Floyd
hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
The Violence of Truth - The The
Uncanny

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
All Apologies - Nirvana
Some truth there

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Fix You - Cold Play
They would agree

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Fabulous - High School Musical 2 (Faye Greenburg)
Fabulous Dahling, Fabulous!

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Something - Shakira
Um, yeah....

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
For Me This Is Heaven - Jimy Eat World
A foursome?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Peron's Latest Flame - Evita
lolz, he could have been if she was into scally bald guys

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Goodbye Cruel World - Pink Floyd
omg haha!

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Love Song - Tool and Perfect Circle
lolz again

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Jeremy - Pearl Jam
The first line goes:
At home, drawing pictures of mountain tops with him on top

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
She's Back - Westlife
OMG if i ever did, she certainly would be!

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Let There Be Love - Westlife
Apt

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
The Post War Dream - Pink Floyd
hmmm...

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Boadicea - Enya
(She was the Queen of ancient Britain who led a temporarily successful revolt against the Roman army that had claimed her deceased husband's kingdom.)

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Rose - A Perfect Circle
Cryptic

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
Oh This Night Of A Thousand Stars - Evita
Yeah!

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Heart-Shaped Box - Nirvana
awww...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Wishmaster - Nightwish