Island in the sun

Weezer's Island in the Sun is my pick me up when I'm down song.

Just arrived Redang Island. The plan is to do as much work as I can, and balance that with as much self-repair as possible. My self-esteem at the moment is a cranky old beaten up Kembara - on a scale of what car do I see myself in.

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Was browsing in MPH a couple of days ago and overheard a heated and very emotional argument between MPH co-workers. Something along the lines of stocking books, which goes on which shelf etc. Wonder what's it like when the biggest stress in your work is about books on shelves. I can live with that, I think.

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Going for a swim. ta.

Good

I'm still in escape mode, ignoring the bucket of shit that's about to hit the fan.

In the meantime, found this - the best tribute site to the best thing on tv at the moment! Cheered up my morning.

http://fuckyeahthegoodwife.tumblr.com/

Am loving The Good Wife. Initially because of Nurse Hathaway. But very quickly because, as a review article somewhere said, it is a show for adults and treats the audience like adults. You know they respect your intelligence.

En route, homebound

KLIA again. Waiting for flight back to Miri.

Turns out airports calm me. I feel at home. I feel I belong in this land devoid of ownership. I think it reminds me of how the world goes round and round while individual lives goes off on various tangents, occasionally crossing one another's path, or sometimes completely missing out by mere seconds. It's a reminder of both the insignificance and significance of not only one's whole life, but also one single moment in the bigger picture.

Have you watched Up in the Air? Good movie.

Jakarta turned out to be just what I needed. It was crazy timing, having to go away smack in the middle of this mess that I am in. Just as I suspected, despite my good intentions to do lots of work and to sort out various issues while I'm there, all I did was attend the necessary meetings, and slept the rest of the time. Almost complete isolation. That was my medicine. It still means that the mess is still unsorted, deadlines still unmet. But what's important is that I am repaired, almost.

Looking forward to reaching home tonight. My other drug.

Tomorrow I battle again.

En route

I have ten minutes before I board the plane to Jakarta.

Did I tell you that when I go down, I go down real low real fast? Well, yeah. I think (I hope) I've reached bottom because I would like to start the slow climb up now. Penat lah.

I'm being reminded of the time my scuba gear malfunctioned and I dropped down to the bottom of the ocean like a tonne of bricks (almost literally because in that moment, I completely forgot about letting go of my weights). What was amazing about that whole experience was how completely calm I was; not an ounce of anxiety. And it was purely because I knew H would take care of me. I could completely let go of all control and he'd take over and make sure I was safe. It's like that trust exercise, you know? The one where you fall back and trust that your partner is going to catch you. It was like that, in real life.

I need to do that now. He's with me, he's offering comfort. And god knows how desperately I am clinging to that, to him. But I still feel like I'm sinking. Even though my head knows I'm in shallow waters.