all new shit

i fell last week. tequila was involved, and its ugly. raccoon eyes and finished off the left hand. didnt go to the dr because, tequila. see dr tomorrow about neck and hand, so take care of everything. hate not being able to really type cuz i have a lot to say. i fell in love with a girl when i was 15. in a small town, mom got her thrown out, i did dumb shit and ran away at 17 to be with her. she was great, until she wasn't. we learned to be abusive together, i guess. there was a lot of violence. annie and i got together when i was 19, she had been having an affair with the love of my life. big convoluted mess, i know. not many dykes back in the day. after 30 something years, annie tells me i cant go nout in public with her cuz people might think she beat me up, she

I'm having a Minute, or a life

I've been sleeping, drinking, sleeping. That thing. Today, for some reason, I just feel really alone. I;m not, Annie has been awesome about taking care of me. and typing is nt my friend. dammit. theres a lot of crying going on too, cuz i can. i'm scared about the surgery i'm gonna have that they haven't told me i'm gonna have. left hand is useless, right is getting there, i'm fucked. i really don't wanna, but i like my hands. i just felt alone and scared and came here because its the only place i can talk about that stuff. mom isnt well, cant talk to her. so here it is. anyway,i think i need to go sleep some more.

I can't Type One Handed

Been awhile cuz I really do have a problem with one hand. looks like we are gonna replace my spine one section at a time. MRI to come, but disc hitting nerve in my neck is the most likely cause. i am so sick of this shit.

We're All Doomed

I'll give you the short version, since the long one is really long. Annie has always checked in on Lucy since she's on the way to Mom's house, and they were friends, even after Lucy and I broke up. Annie picked her up the other day and brought her here for a few days since she never goes anywhere. Lucy has always been 'out there', but, Lucy has lost her shit. Ms. Sweet's sister put her in assisted living at this point, she 's gotten that bad that fast. I am not a caregiver, she's been here 2 days, and it's all I can do not to lose my shit. I hate it all, but I can't have yet another conversation about what we talked about 5 minutes ago, several times a day. I told her I was taking her home tomorrow, but Annie got her all excited to go out Thursday to see our old boyfriend, so now I seem to be stuck again. I guess I'll be getting out of the house tomorrow just because. Maybe that was Annie's intent.

No pinky Swear

I's hard to type without a working pinky, I'm surprised. Going to a real Doc about that next week.Guess since everything went away, I will go nto bed.

A Friend of a Friend

That friend killed himself the other day. He left a kid, and friends, and family, and when I Want to check out, I think about that. Cuz I thought about it ealier, but nope, can't do it. Love yall too much.

Pinky Woes

According to Dr. Google I have compressed nerve syndrome. I have to see a real Dr. to confirm that, but who knew your whole hand would be useless if your pinky doesn't work? It makes typing a bitch too, btw. I'm just not wanting to go anywhere or do anything, I hit treatment because I have to. Anyways, Off to bed, maybe. Later kids.

Taste, or Lack Of

Everything tastes like shit lately. Yesterday, I had some apple cider that was good, and that was it until later. I made Mom's cure-all, potato soup with lots of onion, it was actually pretty tasty. I'm only starting my second week, so it may get lots worse before it's over. And here I am bitching about radiation when chemo is so much worse. I'm thankful I don't have to do that, my whiny ass probably wouldn't survive.

The Club

It seems I've joined a club no one wants to be in, but here we are. I go to treatment, and every other person there for the same thing is all "Hey, Good Morning, How you doing." And I have become my mother and do the same thing. It's kinda cool, actually. We don't support each other enough in everyday life. Sad it has to take cancer to make people be nice to each other.

And here I am again

I drugged up again, and slept for 12 hours, so I should be caught up. Hopefully, I've re-set my sleep cycle. Last night I stayed up late, but got up at 8, so that's cool. I just have to do that again tomorrow because I must get out of the house. I actually have errands that need running, and Annie doesn't bitch much, she'll take care of stuff for me, but I need to take care of myself a bit. So, putting on the big girl panties and leaving the farm tomorrow, wish me luck..

Here I Am

Been a minute, cuz I had to take a minute, or a week. I'm serious about everything hurting. I'm taking more drugs sitting at home than I did when I was working because shit. Boob is good in a couple of weeks, nope. Finally told, warm stuff is good, moves the fluid around. I've seen so many docs, and their people, and I just don't know anymore. I was surprised my surgeon scrip for pain pills, and my regular supply, got filled. So, last night, besides a shitload of booze, I took drugs and CBD oil. I slept for about 6 hours. Better than usual. Funny thing is, I got out of the house today because I needed bread. Beer, smokes, not a priority, I wanted some toast dammit.

Evertything Hurts

Boob hurts, back hurts, pretty much all I do is sit on the couch drink beer, and smoke. I think I'm about done. Annie asked about my drugs, yep, got enough I'll sleep 23 hours of the day, but I'd rather drink for 12 instead. Apparently this has been on my mind. Annie asked if I took my drugs, if I'd drink less. Yep, if I take everything I'm supposed to, I'll really sleep all the damned time. I'm doing my own pain management with the booze, at least I have a minute of a real life every day.

So, It's A New Day

I'm hiding from work. Surgery has worked for a minute, I need to find another reason to not go back there. I see the new Dr. next week about treatment, so hopefully that will give me a few more weeks. I have a message in to my pain Dr. to get an MRI because my back hurts like a mofo. I just can't anymore. Hellmart was never a good fit for me, but I'm just so tired, and so sick of people, I'm done. Trying to do the leave of absence thing to keep my insurance a little longer. Fingers crossed new Doc will fill out that paperwork while I have treatment. Also asked pain Doc to get a scan for my back because I shouldn't hurt this much so, it's a wait and see thing.

Let's Go Ahead and Throw This Out There

Dad's losing his shit. His Sister just died of Alzheimer's a few days ago. If anyone told him, he didn't tell me. Mom did. It still amuses me that they've been divorced most of my life, but she knows what's going on with his family. Since his Mom had it, and my Aunt, and he's not quite right, I'm a bit scared about that too. None of this bodes well for me, since my brain isn't what it used to be either. I told Annie since I have a break before starting treatment, I'm gonna try to go spend a few days with him. All he has is me and the Step-nephew. Step and I have had a conversation lately about all this, cause Dad is afraid he's gonna end up in a home, and none of us want that, but I can't take care of him because of the shape I'm in, Step has a semi-new wife and very new baby, so there's that. The big deal is Dad has a beautiful house on a lake, and rather than sell the place, for whatever reason, I'd like to leave it to Step's kids because he, and they, have grown up there. I can't take care of it, and the money won't do me any good for long because I'm getting a bit long in the tooth, and let's face it, my health ain't great. Babysis is actually my half sister, not that we've ever differentiated there, but Step's family belongs to StepMom, who was always wonderful, so I have that family, and Mom's family if you get me. It's all complicated. All this because Annie doesn't want me to go spend a few days because she's worried about me, and I'm worried about everything else, and Damn, it sucks to get old and have older parents. So, I've vented for today, we may have more whining, or mayhem tomorrow. You never know with me. Just wait till I start the anti-hormones lol.

Good News

So, My 2.1 Centimeter lump had .1 invasive cancer, rest was either pre-cancer or fat, so I'm in pretty good shape. Lymph node was negative. Doc is gonna send me for radiation just in case, and then start me on drugs because I apparently have too much Estrogen. Here I thought testosterone would be the problem lol. I'm feeling much better, except my boob hurts, and apparently the bruise on my back is from my constant heating pad abuse, and I really miss him. We'll talk to the pain doc about that in a couple of weeks. I may seriously have a screw loose, in my back, we know I have one missing in my head. Love ya'll, especially you J.S. Take care.

So, Here We Are

Back hurts, Boob hurts, found out the bruise on my back is most likely from the heating pad that has been my best friend. I miss it.Babysis wants to go to Dr. with me this week cuz she's a good sister. I told her no, but we'll see. Lung scan is Thursday, and I dunno, I'll be surprised if there's not something there. Hell, I've smoked for 40 yrs. They can't look good. I'm just pretty much done. This, treatment or not, we gonna do the back again, because it's not done. Constant pain is not a good thing. Hell-Mart has finished me off. Gonna go sleep for a bit. Later Kids.

Talked To Mom

Mom worried the shit out of me yesterday with calls I didn't answer, and texts I finally got ugly about. I just couldn't deal. I finally called her today and we got everything over with so it's good again. Now I just have to tell Dad. I'm still on the positive side, but couple of weeks till anybody can tell me anything so, still wait and see. Watched 'The Bodyguard', I miss Whitney, and now 'Guarding Tess', been that kinda movie day. Later kids.

Since I'm here, Long Story Coming

If you've been here before, you remember Ms. Sweet. I housesat for her a lot, and her little dog too. Cote looks like a toto, but he's gray. Anyways, Ms. Sweet got dementia, went to a home, and her sister said the home wouldn't let her have Cote anymore. He was my step-dog, so here he came. Longish story short, my Mom has him, and he's old, and dammit. And I still haven't told Mom about cancer, and I really don't want to right now. She may lose Cote soon. I don't want to tell her I'm sick on top of that, especially if I'm gonna be ok. Have to see about radiation, but so far, so good.

Mostly Good

Lymph node was negative, Margin was negative, pretty sure that means the golf ball was it and I'm hopefully cancer free. Yay!

Blue Bayoob

Got die put in tit to show the lymh node, bright blue. I'm still pissing blue too, so woohoo! Waiting for tests, of course, but lump gone along with a lymph node to see how much worrying is in the future. This took the better part of the day, but at least Annie was allowed to go in. She was listed as Spouse on my discharge paperwork, I laughed and laughed. She wasn't so amused. Anyway, besides being blue and sore, Nurse asked me about the bruise on my back after I was done. I hadn't noticed one. I am bruised from love handle to love handle and I don't know why. I haven't noticed it before today, so gonna check with pain Dr. and see if it could be from Stress Test, or if something happened today. It's scary cuz that's where my replacement parts are. After I didn't want anymore surgery, I might as well try to do something else with the back since I've met the deductible now. It hurts more than my boob right now. Anyway, I made it. Can't do anything for a couple of more days, and hope labs are good. Night kids, and love you Grannie.

Avoiding isn't Lying, Right?

Mom has texted and called a couple of times. I've been busy. I haven't been able to lie since I was 16, and I wasn't good at it then. I'm just not answering. I feel like shit because I want to tell her, but she'll just worry, and that's all she can do. She has her own health issues, she doesn't need to add mine. Tuesday, I'll go get it all taken care of for now. There will be radiation after, that's a whole other ballgame. I'll tell Mom when that starts. Maybe. I know I'll have to answer the phone eventually, but I'm hoping for another week, at least. Annie is gonna be there for surgery, and she has enlisted Lucy to come take care of me for a couple of days (heaven help me.) I hope she hasn't told my sister because she can't always be trusted. Anyhow, I need to sleep, I missed my nap today. Later kids.

Frankenfoot for the Win!

Since I can't walk, much less run, on a treadmill I got drugs to raise my heart rate. It was unpleasant because I suddenly couldn't breathe, but Fernando (really his name), told me to just deep breathe through it for a couple of minutes. It actually lasted a little less than that, and then it was just taking out the IV tube and checking me out. All good. Then I got some Peanut Butter crackers and a glass of water before I had to go lie on another stone bed and get pictures taken. I spent more time waiting than the actual testing took. Oh yeah, I got to walk around with my bra in a bag until my pics were done, that was fun. Few minutes after pics, Doc came and got me, told me my heart looked great and I'm on my way. Annie called out of the blue same day and asked me about mastectomy if that's what it takes, told her I don't care, get rid of it by any means necessary so, no we wait until Tuesday when he have to be there at the asscrack of dawn for a 9 a.m. surgery, and then she has to wait half a day because they'll test the lymph nodes and decide how many to take while I'm having a power nap. I'll check back in before then, I'm sure, but here we are so far.

Non-Stop

Saw surgeon yesterday, scheduled lumpectomy for Tuesday, sent me for pre-surgery tests and referred me to a cardiologist. Again, they said they called last week, I don't think so. Anyway, saw him this morning, more bullshit, and a stress test tomorrow. Guess he's afraid I'm gonna die on the operating table or something. Decided not to tell the family anything yet because, hell, nobody can be there. Annie will have to wait in the car, or go do whatever because they won't let anyone in the hospital until afterwards, and then only one person. Alabama folks are idiots, so we're experiencing a covid spike, again. I wear a mask everywhere, even tho I'm vaccinated, more for me than them cuz people are dicks. So that's that latest of the latest. Fun part is my test is at 12 and I can't have caffeine, or drink anything in the morning, or smoke after 9am. I may flunk just from that stress lol. Have a good night kids.

Nubbin

I'm feeding stray cats, cuz I do that. I have cameras instead of me being out there cuz frankenfoot says I can't smoke on the porch anymore. Anyway, Nubbin is a beautiful tabby with white feet. He has a tail, but it's apparently broken, it's curled up on his left side. I want him, hell, I want all of them, but especially him. I'll see if my cat whisperer side is still here.

Farewell Tour

Annie ran into an old friend last night, he was all about wanting to see me. It's been years, and we were friends for years. I even dated his ex for a minute lol. I told her we'd go out next week for my farewell tour and see a few people. She didn't like that. I hope I'm not actually dying, but damn, I'm tired of tests. I blew off the Plastic Surgeon this morning because really? I don't care that much. If they take it off, I don't care as long as the cancer is gone. Since everyone thinks I'm a guy anyway, tits don't matter that much too me. That just kinda makes this ironic. My next thing is next appointments, and after that I have to tell my family and that scares me more than anything. Dad is still here, but kinda losing his shit, the big deal is Mom. She worries. If I tell her I have cancer, she'll be petitioning Jeff Bezos to bring prayers and healing on her oldest daughter. This turned into way more than I meant it to. Guess it needed to go somewhere. Night kids.

Not A Fun Adventure

Today, I got to go strip and lie face down in an MRI machine for 30 minutes. I haven't been on my stomach in years, so that was a feat in itself. I'm just going with it, I didn't hit the panic button, so as long as I can keep doing that, I'm ok. I also had to pee the whole time, so Yay me! I accomplished something. Real Doc wasn't helpful at all, so I'm back to just send my paperwork to everyone and let them sort it out. I won't schedule 2 events in the same day anymore tho. Everything is screaming. Gonna try to chill and sleep. Night kids.

Having Another Day

Been to bed, had to get back up, MRI in the morning and rehearsing my speech for the real Doc because, what I said yesterday. Been printing off paperwork and shit, I have all the insurance, I just need to stay employed long enough to use it. Hence my speech. I'm also scared of the lung scan, we may find gold there. I've smoked for 40 years. I'm not ready to leave my cat, he's got at least 10 yrs left (I hope). My mental state is not good, but I need to get a handle before I talk to the doc tomorrow. Let's see what happens.

Had A Day

I've pretty much been hangin out, drinking and smoking too much because I'm a redneck and that's how we roll. Also sleep is all over the place so....Real Dr. office called to say I need someone else to fill out paperwork for LOA. Going to see real Dr. Wed. anyway so I can ask her to just tell them I had a nervous breakdown before the cancer thing, I can't go back to that place. I've been so miserable for months that I've taken every opportunity to not be there. I have 100 appts over the next couple of weeks, so maybe she'll have my back, otherwise I'm screwed. Guess we'll see..

Whirlwind of Confusion

I saw the surgeon yesterday morning, he's all "Off With Your Tit!" and scheduled me to see a plastic surgeon among other things. The Oncologist in the afternoon was. "I recommend lumpectomy, and then we see." Needless to say, I liked the second opinion better, but both are all about more tests and shit. I have more Dr. Appointments in the next 2 weeks than I've had in at least 5 years. Overall, I'm just tired, my boob hurts from being bounced around, and my back is killing me from sitting in offices all day yesterday. I'm a barrel of laughs. The good thing was Annie took one of my Anti-anxiety pills yesterday since she was travelling with me. She found out what I meant about them making me feel weird, so at least she backed off on that. So.... Other than having to call to fix my work shit, I'm just fine and dandy until next week. Have a good night kids.

I Just Lied To My Mother

Mom called, we haven't talked lately, my fault. Mom's health isn't good and I'm a bad daughter. "How you doing? Great Mom. Working? Yep." None of which is true. I see no reason to worry her, at least not yet. I talked to a friend who has survived breast cancer (and it's still surreal to say that), and things gonna get real soon. She did give me lots of helpful info, so at least I have support I know. I'm putting off telling the family until I have to. I hope I have time to go see them before everything goes to shit. I don't really go home anymore because of my back, so family time has been a big deal the last few years I may lose my chance if I don't go soon. Tuesday is a target. We shall see.

Almost Too Much Trouble

>So I haven't been here in awhile. Took me forever to log in because I don't remember shit anymore. But anyway, Hey Kids! I'm back! So besides my back being my back and the bane of my existence, today I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Since I have no family history of that, it was a bit of a surprise. I spent most of the day in shock, then actually went out in public and had a coupe of beers and tried to throw darts. Since I couldn't get them on the board I gave up. Came home and couldn't stand up because I don't drink that fast at home, and had a nap. So now here I am. I'm scared shitless. At least the surgeon, who will remove the offending tumor, and probably a lymph node or 6, and the Oncologist who will pump me full of drugs, had the decency to schedule my consultaions for the same day. I'll be completely useless Thursday after seeing both of them Wednesday. We may have a journey here again, because I don't know what the future holds.