oh God, everytime i look at that painting of his, my knees go weak. all i am able to do is ask myself why. the painting of pain lives up to its name, and striked right through my beating heart. i cant stop questioning myself, as if searching for a justification. i know it's partly my fault, but dont people get second chances. too quick to judge.
and the trail ends there. i didnt bring it back with me. i want to, but i just cant and wont. i dont want it to haunt me. but that painting, i underestimated. it gives me goosebumps and wells up my tearduct.
it is more difficult than i thought.
p/s: ok maybe i miss him just a tad. ugh.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
two things
two significant things happened in the duration of last night, specifically while i was doing my research proposal due today (yes, it was last minute, hehe):
One. my laptop crashed while i was typing away. the screen just went blank, but the blue light was blinking. kira punya kira, i have only left it off for about 10hours (?) in the course of five days! no wonder it's throwing a tantrum at me. i have not been looking after it well. maybe it needs a much deserved rest. (eh tapi jangan mati terus selama-lamanya! journal tak siap lagi due nex week nih!). so i had to borrow my housemate's laptop. may God bless her, my dear life-saver :)
Two. I found this great quote in A Comprehensive Guide to Writing a Research Proposal textbook (of all the places, haha).
Words spoken by Antoine de Saint Exupery. Yep, one helluva name! "Exupery". very cool. like you go to a party and people ask you "Hey beautiful, what's your name?" and you smile and answer sexily "Oh, I'm Exupery. Call me Exu", in that deep french accent that you fake. woohoo. haha. i bet she's long dead. nobody i know has that name anymore. (as if i have any french pen-pals or CouchSurf buddies). haha anyway my point was, the quote is very meaningful.
on another note, life's far from great, but im close to happiness :D (at least i try to think so)
i hope everything (better be!) will go well. it has to.
the truth hurts, but it is the remedy in the long run.
see you guys soon.
One. my laptop crashed while i was typing away. the screen just went blank, but the blue light was blinking. kira punya kira, i have only left it off for about 10hours (?) in the course of five days! no wonder it's throwing a tantrum at me. i have not been looking after it well. maybe it needs a much deserved rest. (eh tapi jangan mati terus selama-lamanya! journal tak siap lagi due nex week nih!). so i had to borrow my housemate's laptop. may God bless her, my dear life-saver :)
Two. I found this great quote in A Comprehensive Guide to Writing a Research Proposal textbook (of all the places, haha).
" Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away."
Words spoken by Antoine de Saint Exupery. Yep, one helluva name! "Exupery". very cool. like you go to a party and people ask you "Hey beautiful, what's your name?" and you smile and answer sexily "Oh, I'm Exupery. Call me Exu", in that deep french accent that you fake. woohoo. haha. i bet she's long dead. nobody i know has that name anymore. (as if i have any french pen-pals or CouchSurf buddies). haha anyway my point was, the quote is very meaningful.
on another note, life's far from great, but im close to happiness :D (at least i try to think so)
i hope everything (better be!) will go well. it has to.
the truth hurts, but it is the remedy in the long run.
see you guys soon.
Monday, April 13, 2009
chasing Time
what is "busy" in today's world? there is no surprise nor is it gobsmacking if you hear someone is busy. everyone seems to be very busy these days. "oh, i have a lot to do", "im soooooo busy!", "i cant do this now, im busy".
nobody knows what anyone busy is really doing. they are just...busy. you can try throwing in a reason that it's just a matter of time management, but really, it doesnt change the fact that they will still be busy. it's not that they have less to do, it's just that they managed the things they have to do.
sometimes i wondered if the root word for business is busy. it could be. that's probably why people with business to do are always busy. haha. like you become too caught up in the 'business' (busyness) of life that you forget trivial things.
you forget how the sky looks like at night, you forget the taste of rain, you forget the people around you; and you put everything else on hold, while you go chasing time .
i am always busy too. sometimes to the point where i dont even know the hell im doing. which saddens me, because i always believe that i need to do my best in everything i do. right now, it just seems as if im doing things for the sake of doing, like the malay saying: "melepaskan batuk di tangga". because im chasing time, i need everything to be done at instant.
but you know what i realize? i will always be left behind no matter how quickly i chase it. thats just it. you always think that time is not enough, and therefore it will be your loss to think such.
p/s: i have one week to get 10 things done before i can finally be a free man. have no idea if i can pull off this feat. we'll see!
nobody knows what anyone busy is really doing. they are just...busy. you can try throwing in a reason that it's just a matter of time management, but really, it doesnt change the fact that they will still be busy. it's not that they have less to do, it's just that they managed the things they have to do.
sometimes i wondered if the root word for business is busy. it could be. that's probably why people with business to do are always busy. haha. like you become too caught up in the 'business' (busyness) of life that you forget trivial things.
you forget how the sky looks like at night, you forget the taste of rain, you forget the people around you; and you put everything else on hold, while you go chasing time .
i am always busy too. sometimes to the point where i dont even know the hell im doing. which saddens me, because i always believe that i need to do my best in everything i do. right now, it just seems as if im doing things for the sake of doing, like the malay saying: "melepaskan batuk di tangga". because im chasing time, i need everything to be done at instant.
but you know what i realize? i will always be left behind no matter how quickly i chase it. thats just it. you always think that time is not enough, and therefore it will be your loss to think such.
p/s: i have one week to get 10 things done before i can finally be a free man. have no idea if i can pull off this feat. we'll see!
Thursday, April 09, 2009
Intention and Implementation
These two things are different. they complement each other in a process, but differ in their own rights.
Intention. This is the root. this is where a jurisdiction takes place, i always believe. what you intent to do is very much different from what you really do. plan and action. two units that works together. intention always justifies for everything.
Implementation. This is one thing that confuses people. implementation always acts as a traitor to your intentions. most of the times, you dont really do what you intent to do. you have a major plan laid out upon you, but you didnt follow through. many factors affect the implementation of your intention. society, personal values, impulsiveness, ego, rationale, and other factors. sometimes you betray your own intentions. only because you refuse to show it i.e you want to appear as if you have other purposes. this act is commonly called deceit. but in my opinion, that is not necessarily the case.
personally, i can tell a person's intention. i know when a person meant well, but couldnt express it in actions that are straight-forward. a good example is how different people show their loved ones they care. some will give caring text messages like "How r u 2day?" or some goes through the hustle of asking someone else rather than the person him or herself. some may just give a meaningful look from afar...the way you implement you intentions vary. one plan can be put into action in countless ways.
however, it is dangerous if others fail to see your intention because of the way you express it. this is where miscommunications take place, and drama happens. also, on your part, you may also take a persons actions as something else, although that person meant something else. make sure you try to understand the roots before making any judgements or decisions.
most of the times, i have problems with this: people who didnt apply their intentions well, but i understood what they actually want to do and they dont get that i actually do understand them. in other words, i can read deception and dishonesty, but people who practice them dont usually think i can decode their intentions.
that's why i always believe in second chances; some people cant do it right the first time, therefore, they might work on it, and actually implement their intentions the second time around :)
Intention. This is the root. this is where a jurisdiction takes place, i always believe. what you intent to do is very much different from what you really do. plan and action. two units that works together. intention always justifies for everything.
Implementation. This is one thing that confuses people. implementation always acts as a traitor to your intentions. most of the times, you dont really do what you intent to do. you have a major plan laid out upon you, but you didnt follow through. many factors affect the implementation of your intention. society, personal values, impulsiveness, ego, rationale, and other factors. sometimes you betray your own intentions. only because you refuse to show it i.e you want to appear as if you have other purposes. this act is commonly called deceit. but in my opinion, that is not necessarily the case.
personally, i can tell a person's intention. i know when a person meant well, but couldnt express it in actions that are straight-forward. a good example is how different people show their loved ones they care. some will give caring text messages like "How r u 2day?" or some goes through the hustle of asking someone else rather than the person him or herself. some may just give a meaningful look from afar...the way you implement you intentions vary. one plan can be put into action in countless ways.
however, it is dangerous if others fail to see your intention because of the way you express it. this is where miscommunications take place, and drama happens. also, on your part, you may also take a persons actions as something else, although that person meant something else. make sure you try to understand the roots before making any judgements or decisions.
most of the times, i have problems with this: people who didnt apply their intentions well, but i understood what they actually want to do and they dont get that i actually do understand them. in other words, i can read deception and dishonesty, but people who practice them dont usually think i can decode their intentions.
that's why i always believe in second chances; some people cant do it right the first time, therefore, they might work on it, and actually implement their intentions the second time around :)
Wednesday, April 08, 2009
role-play
the other day, i had nothing better to do; or rather refuse to do. and i did role-play on solo and imagined myself being a 60 year-old grandma. it was not the best time i had. it felt depressing and got heaps of negative sensations that i am unable to describe by words. highlights:
first of, i felt envious. of the young people - whose innocence shone in their faces. they have one privilege i ever wanted more and more - time. it is a luxury they possess that i know they might and could waste at their dispense. they take risks - they know time is on their side. they rebel, and people dont blame them, they blame their hormones.
secondly, i also envy the 'surprise' element that they hold on to, as they know not of what the future may bring them. they are as excited as they are scared. very thrilling.
then i sympathize. i pity them. for the things they are unable to foresee, for the problems they are unable to control, for the lessons they have to learn. there is no such thing as the easy way - condom for the heart, helmet for the mind, bullet-proof suit for the soul.
then i realize i am one of them. so i snapped out of the granny role, and came back to reality. suddenly i felt relieved. thank god i still have ample opportunities to do what i want. i know it's still not too late.
but at the same time, i also feel like shit. the things i want, i dont always get it. close to never. i do get things i need, but not so much of those that i want. (i know everybody faces the same thing) i seriously do feel like shit when i know that things are a-changing. shit, in this sense, is in the same category of melancholic. guess one can only move on. get on the wagon and ride along.
first of, i felt envious. of the young people - whose innocence shone in their faces. they have one privilege i ever wanted more and more - time. it is a luxury they possess that i know they might and could waste at their dispense. they take risks - they know time is on their side. they rebel, and people dont blame them, they blame their hormones.
secondly, i also envy the 'surprise' element that they hold on to, as they know not of what the future may bring them. they are as excited as they are scared. very thrilling.
then i sympathize. i pity them. for the things they are unable to foresee, for the problems they are unable to control, for the lessons they have to learn. there is no such thing as the easy way - condom for the heart, helmet for the mind, bullet-proof suit for the soul.
then i realize i am one of them. so i snapped out of the granny role, and came back to reality. suddenly i felt relieved. thank god i still have ample opportunities to do what i want. i know it's still not too late.
but at the same time, i also feel like shit. the things i want, i dont always get it. close to never. i do get things i need, but not so much of those that i want. (i know everybody faces the same thing) i seriously do feel like shit when i know that things are a-changing. shit, in this sense, is in the same category of melancholic. guess one can only move on. get on the wagon and ride along.
Monday, April 06, 2009
the rite of passage
the rain is currently falling like it has been doing for the past few weeks. eyebags are agrown and lethargic abound.
what do we write about in our blogs? we complain, we whine.
some write great things that happened in their lives. our blogs bear witness to the things we want the world to know (unless your blog is private).
i see great progress in myself throughout these past five years through my blog archive alone. my first entry was about me being a freshman in college (2005). how lame. but how true. it reflects me at that time. when i read back all the ancient posts i wrote, all the memories rushed in to mind like black and white film flashed on projector. those were amazing years. amazing things have happened. sometimes i regret the things i did, or the clothes i wear. i.e cargo pants and polo tee?! wtf. but yeah, when i give it a second thought, it wasnt so bad after all. in fact, i regret ever feeling regret. haha.
now in the speed of light, i have almost come to the peak of my study: practicum. after that, i will do my last semester and than thats it. it will be over. so in simple calculation, this semester will be the last semester for me and my friends (those in different batches and the same) to hang around the faculty together. tesl square. shitt i am going to miss that spot.
friends from senior years are soon going away, moving on with the next phase of their lives: masters or work. friends from the link program are going too, continuing their practicum at their respective training colleges (KB and Gaya), friends from junior years, well, when i get back from prac, they'll be going for it and it'll be very hard to meet up.
geez. how time really flies! it used to be just a figure of speech. but now it is really happening. doing practicum, finishing studies, graduating, continuing with studies, finding Mr.Right-For-Me, watching friends getting married, getting married myself, having children, and etc etc etc.
the rite of passage. thats what we all do. we move on, all the time. im looking forward to see what the future has in store for me. but in the meantime, i just cant wait to spend my time with those i have and love with all my heart, while i still can :)
what do we write about in our blogs? we complain, we whine.
some write great things that happened in their lives. our blogs bear witness to the things we want the world to know (unless your blog is private).
i see great progress in myself throughout these past five years through my blog archive alone. my first entry was about me being a freshman in college (2005). how lame. but how true. it reflects me at that time. when i read back all the ancient posts i wrote, all the memories rushed in to mind like black and white film flashed on projector. those were amazing years. amazing things have happened. sometimes i regret the things i did, or the clothes i wear. i.e cargo pants and polo tee?! wtf. but yeah, when i give it a second thought, it wasnt so bad after all. in fact, i regret ever feeling regret. haha.
now in the speed of light, i have almost come to the peak of my study: practicum. after that, i will do my last semester and than thats it. it will be over. so in simple calculation, this semester will be the last semester for me and my friends (those in different batches and the same) to hang around the faculty together. tesl square. shitt i am going to miss that spot.
friends from senior years are soon going away, moving on with the next phase of their lives: masters or work. friends from the link program are going too, continuing their practicum at their respective training colleges (KB and Gaya), friends from junior years, well, when i get back from prac, they'll be going for it and it'll be very hard to meet up.
geez. how time really flies! it used to be just a figure of speech. but now it is really happening. doing practicum, finishing studies, graduating, continuing with studies, finding Mr.Right-For-Me, watching friends getting married, getting married myself, having children, and etc etc etc.
the rite of passage. thats what we all do. we move on, all the time. im looking forward to see what the future has in store for me. but in the meantime, i just cant wait to spend my time with those i have and love with all my heart, while i still can :)
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