So, it's official!

Was busy with work today as went to install some equipments for customer this morning and then entire afternoon was occupied with paper work. Checked my personal mailbox just now and came across an email by our university postgraduate office:

So, it's official and I'm graduating this year!

口试之后

第一次画禅绕画 zentangle

（上面这幅禅绕画，我花了30分钟才完成。画纸不过3.5寸平方大。作画时间是口试当天早上当我什么也读不进的时候。为了缓解自己的紧张而尝试的。其实我也不懂怎样才是zentangle,我只是凭借在网上读到的一些资料就画了。）

口试终于过关了。友人ringo问我接下来有什么打算。我说先订正论文之后再想吧。其实是，我不知道。同时，我也想暂时享受一下没有“精神负担”、没有胃痛的日子。哈！口试一过关，第一时间知会了“圆帽念念联盟”的成员、家人和师父。感谢师父一直为我祝福鼓励。当晚，和家人到外头共进晚餐作为庆祝。是值得庆祝的，至少我自己觉得。

昨天去见了导师，讨论该如何订正论文。本来我有四个月的时间订正，但导师认为我应该这个月尾就可以完成，所以把期限设在5月初。所以我只得向老板娘请假（其实我乐得），只保留教书的另一份兼职（印度的盘川就靠它了）。

脑中有很多事情想做。

1.尽情地阅读。那些书可以不用偷偷摸摸、心有愧疚地读，也不用特意冷落它们。S，第六次大灭绝，洪兰教授的新书，村上的书，中午吃什么，the power of habit 等。还用剩下的1MBB网上买了几本英文书。

2.重新卷纸、做卡片。有很多想尝试的技巧和成品。之前买了不少书，但一直没时间去玩。不过，这个可能也得似乎工作和照顾小孩后剩下多少时间来决定。教书有点花时间，因为需要备课、改报告、考卷等。

3. 学习新玩艺。 5月中报名了一堂钩针课，学习钩祖母方格。虽然我跟着书本学习已经有一些钩针的基础，但我还是想向真正的达人学习。还有来临去吉隆坡的几天，想看是否有机会去和美国认证的CZT学禅绕画。我已经联络上一位，只是她目前人在美国，月尾才回国，到时再跟进。我还想学插花，不过课程费用不便宜，等我盘川存够了再说。

4. 等待《念念》，还有Disney 6月上映的动画。

5. 等待故友新国回来，一起去吃大餐。

6. 等待8月份去观赏黄慧音的演唱会，等待和ringo见面。

7. 等待11月的毕业典礼、等待拍全家福。

8. 等待朝圣之旅的到来。

9. 等待孩子长大。

如果我一切平安、健康的话。

Viva

A card and quilled flower handmade by a dear friend who came just before I had my viva. It's lucky that we have each other along this journey.

14 April 2015 will be a memorable day. Yes, it will. It is the day I survived my viva and been given the 'green light' to be awarded PhD and graduate this year. It is not yet the end, as there are still corrections to be made to improve my thesis quality but soon I'll come out alive of the tunnel!

I'm writing everything down while my memory is still fresh. What's the journey without this bit of event right?

The entire viva process lasted about 2 hour plus. I gave a presentation of about 30 mins, and then the examiners kicked off the Q & A session which lasted for a full 1 hour or more. Later, I was invited to leave the room for the examiners to discuss and came out with a decision of whether I'm up to the standard to receive a PhD.

The Q & A session lasted thaaaaaaaaaat long, without me realizing it. I was pretty nervous at the beginning because the first question that was raised is about the latest update of my subject matter which I have no idea and unaware of. I felt like 'oh I'm doomed!' But the questions didn't just stop there and I had no time to linger too long but to move on. On overall, I get a good mix of questions (although I couldn't answer all of them but I tried my best and be frank when I really didn't know the anwers). Some about the research field, the subject matters, some to test my basics in molecular biology, and some asking for the rationale and reasons for making certain choices in the study. I was still nervous towards the end. But I think I kinda relaxed a bit in between when the questions turned to the technical aspect of my work which I'm more familiar with. It feels more like a discussion in its sense when you have the experts (examiners) who understand what you are doing to give you constructive suggestions and to critically comment on your techniques, data and analyses. It's like learning from the masters, and that sort of made me forget about my fear.  

After the long wait (which is actually only 20 mins or more but it feels so long), I was finally called into the room once again. The chairman then read out my name, and said 'congratulations, .....'. All I heard is the word 'congratulations', and I could start feeling tears in my eyes. I didn't catch whatever that he's saying, as I was fighting to not let my tears drop but I guess it's an emotional moment that I couldn't help but shed tears finally. It's the tears of joy, of all the hardwork, the sleepless nights, the stress, the time when you doubted yourself, the ups and downs.. all expressed at once in drops of tears. It's also the feeling that someone (the examiners) understands what you did, and congratulated you on the job you did, who appreciates the difficulties and limitations that you've went through to get here. I really felt a great sense of gratitude towards my examiners.

Also I was glad that my supervisor was there in the room with me. Initially I was actually a bit reluctant to have him there to witness my viva, as I felt it might cause me more stress. Ended up that it was great that he's there, sitting behind me, like a silence support to back me up. It's more like a spiritual kind of encouragement than physically. He said some words to the examiners when they congratulated him for his first PhD student (and I guess sort of indirectly telling me) which I couldn't recall exactly but the overall message is that I've been quite independent in my work, and his role has been more like a motivation coach giving me encouragements and boost my confidence etc. That really meant a lot to me. I guess I could assume that he's proud of me? Hahaha! Anyway, he told me later in whatsapp when I wanted to make an appointment to meet him to discuss about my thesis correction that reads 'Congrats, you did very well for the viva. The examiners were impressed with your knowledge and ability to answer questions.' Wow, that really makes all the stressful days and nights worthwhile!

Although I've written 2 pages of acknowledgement in my thesis, I'll again express my gratitude here:

Firstly, to my supervisor Dr Ed. For his guidance and mentorship, and for believing in me.
Secondly, to my pals Nana and Ringo and my sis Horsey. For all the nagging, encouragements, 软硬兼施，威逼利诱 to get me to write my thesis (when I procrastinated), submitted it, prepared for viva.
Thirdly, to my husband. For his understanding, love and support. For helping to take care of our boy when I needed time to prepare for my viva. And for nagging me all the time to finish my thesis.
Forth, my parents and my in laws. For understanding my situation and providing support whenever I needed them.  
Last but not least, to my reverends, who gave me encouragements and who keep me in their prayers. 

May you all be well and happy.

Thesis Submitted

比十月怀胎更久，经历几次和教授一来一往的修正、补充数据，终于把论文提呈上去了。接下来，就是静静地等考官批改、等答辩。愿一切顺利。

This blog is started with the intention of scribbling down my PhD journey, although in the end it ended up as a journal of my life. It is not the end of the tunnel yet but with this recent big progress I hope I'm another big step closer to the end. Yes, I've finally submitted my thesis to the examiner! I actually submitted my first draft last year to my supervisor but was required to do additional analysis to tie the story better. After two to three times of corrections, finally I was given the GREEN light to submit. Initially I planned to submit in May, hoping to make it to the convocation this year but then there's some complications with my pregnancy (Yes, I'm now counting down towards my due date in September) and it delayed my correction progress. Anyhow, I'm so glad that I managed to settle and submit it. It's actually a bit stressful to know that you have a baby coming soon and yet your thesis is still stuck in the hole. But the stress is over now. And now, I'll just wait for the examiners to do their job (it should take 2-3 months). The thesis defence will be my later worries, at least it will come only after my labour which may happen anytime soon. Till then, I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a smooth labour.  

站在终点与正奔向终点的距离

我在面书上写：
世界上最遥远的距离，不是生与死，不是天各一方，而是论文就在我手里，我却不能 submit. So close yet so far...

Ringo回了一篇长长的note: Run, Lulu, Run.
这个阶段的硕/博生大概都会小小的emo下，我了解。每个研究生都有一段（或分段式的）黑暗期。有些人的黑暗期是要算种子、有些人的黑暗期是要天天在dark room里浇水浇荷尔蒙、有些人的黑暗期是重复着失败的实验，原因不明、有些人是要装冷血杀死一笼又一笼他一手养大的老鼠。

我的黑暗期不是在被油棕刺破十根手指/节骨，根本不能弹钢琴的时候，也不是对着发霉的营养盘假装跟细菌相爱。我最失去方向的时候，是在我写论文的时候。
重复给论文浇水，然后文字死掉。重复生出一段又一段的文字，然后将文字杀掉。重复着被老师骂，然后自信死掉。
最糟糕的是，断了粮，还要背负着“做莫不要去找工”的误解。一把年纪了还要妈妈给零用钱......
那种孤独感，独自一人驾车都会无故的流泪。

而，每次，最彷徨的感觉就是——明明靠近了，好像终于写好了。一个雷“啪啦”地挥下，又跟明明已经靠近的前方列开了一公尺的距离。
明明无力了，还要提脚跳过去。那个时候，还真的不想跨步了，让我直接掉深渊吧。

还真的想象不到自己的耐力。跨步跨步。每次告诉自己：Dear Ringo, 就多跨一步。虽然最后用爬的。

然后，抬头，就到了。我竟然忘记我应该的喜极而泣。

真的，露露，不骗你。就只差两步而已。
虽然我知道你的黑暗期跟我的不一样，但应该都已经过去了。

跳过去吧，我就在前面的一点点给你拉绳子。Ah guan等着给你送个kiss kiss，阿芮温暖怀抱相候，娜娜奉上寿司一盘。还有很多陪你走过的路人甲乙丙丁，都会给你欢呼。

我已经拉开了终点线，也已经看见你靠近的倩影了。
再，加一点点地油吧？（虽然油起价了）

我reply comment:
“明明感觉很靠近，忽然之间终点线又和你列开了一公尺。”说得就是这种距离！
放 心啦，我窝在实验室里重复捕捉那死都不愿现身protein band和看着电脑敲打不出一个字的dark age已经过去。是你们几个和师父的棒喝帮我跨过去的。教授是为了我好。我也明白他的苦心。所以我没有怨言。现在的我，只需要再奋力跑多几步应该就可以触 线！就算爬也要爬过去！( ironically,教授在我还未开始做博前就说过:some people have to drag themselves to cross the finishing line, some have to crawl on broken limbs. it's about how determined you are, not how smart you are).

站在终点与正努力奔向终点的距离在于“经历”两个字：一个是过去式，一个则是进行式。
幸好朋友们回头望我，所以我不孤单。 =）

June 2013

Yes, June is about to end. And I'm still working on my thesis. The good news is I finally gain some momentum in the writing, thanks to my 'committee of thesis-writing-nagging' which include my hubby, my sis and 2 friends of mine who cared enough and have the experience of permanent head damage - Ringo and Nana. Hopefully I could come up with my first draft in another month or two.

There have been too much distractions and too little self-discipline. Yes, I admit that it's mainly my own problem. I have been slacking a lot. And currently I'm still involved in some activities but I forced myself to sit down in front of the laptop everyday, even though sometimes not a single complete sentence is written.

My benchwork has 'officially' stopped. Finally. Although I cleaned my bench earlier this year and started thesis writing, I still got to lab in May and June, to do an experiment that I've repeated many times yet never yielded anything. And I told myself last week if I failed, I'd stop. Ended up I still went to lab this week but this time it's for good - to confirm what I saw is reality and not an imagined occurrence out of desperation. I remembered last week when I spoke to my reverend through Whatsapp - before I started the experiment - asking him to give me some blessing, he replied: you need to have self-confidence and a heart of giving/offering  (布施的心). And I asked further what does it mean by the heart of giving/offering (in my current context), he explained 'the heart that you want the outcome so that you could contribute to mankind, not for the sake of your own graduation' (结果不是为了毕业，而是为人类贡献一己之力). And it banged in my head! I have started off my research many many years ago (when I chose my master research topic) with the intention that I hope to find cure for cancers some day. The reality of cancer research is that finding a cure is not as easy as one thought, but I could still contribute as a small piece of the puzzle, even with negative findings, to help paint the bigger picture so that scientists out there who are more capable and resourceful will someday find a way to fight cancers.

Frankly speaking, I'm uncertain of my future path - what I'm gonna do etc - but I am and I will write my thesis with this intention in mind, at least until I completed everything that I'm supposed to. 不忘初心啊！     

2013

Welcome to the 6th year of my permanent head damage process! Ya, I'm still in grad school............

Random thoughts

I'm taking a ten-day off the bench starting tomorrow. It's actually bad timing, and I feel guilty to do so especially when I'm rushing to finish my labwork. I actually bought the tickets earlier on this year, thinking that by Oct I should have finished labwork and start writing. Ended up that none of the things I planned work, even my Western blot give me nothing except the marker bands an hour ago. I cleaned up my workbench in the main lab and also cell culture lab, with the hope that next time when I clean it, it will be for once and for good.

So before such negative emotions sink me down further, perhaps it's good that I stay away from research for a couple of days, just to relax myself and to sweep away those frustrations. Hopefully when I return 2 weeks later, I'll be fully recharged to combat on.

Actually boss has told me to stop benchwork and start writing, but I feel that I have not enough data, and that it doesn't tell a good story. So I'm returning to bench for another month, just to give it one last shot. If it still doesn't work, then I'll just let it be.

Sometimes it's a lot easier to let go than to hang on, but by hanging on, you get to test your willpower, and that might make all the difference in life.

不放弃

《如果蝸牛可以，你一定也可以：如此微小的生命，想要生存的意志力盡如此堅強．蝸牛要從這支木竿跨過去那跟木竿，它奮力的將小小的身軀拉長，發揮到了極限， 過程中因為身上的背的殼太重了，身體還翻了過去，差點到水溝裡去，它費了九牛二虎之力搆到另一頭，最後一股做氣，它爬了過去．爬到另一個木竿上．這一慕被生活攝影師狄恩所捕捉到，他分享了它的作品，激勵了無數網友。我們在生活中，一定會遇到很多困難和挑戰，一層又一層的考驗，請告訴自己一定要撐到最後，永遠不要放棄，像是這隻蝸牛一樣，請撐過去，離成功就不遠了．》


在面书上看到这照片，心里很感动，也让我想起这首歌——《蜗牛》。


该不该搁下重重的壳        寻找到底哪里有蓝天
随着轻轻的风轻轻的飘    历经的伤都不感觉疼
我要一步一步往上爬        等待阳光静静看着它的脸
小小的天有大大的梦想    重重的壳裹着着轻轻的仰望
我要一步一步往上爬        在最高点乘着叶片往前飞
任风吹干留过的泪和汗    总有一天我有属于我的天

是啊，即使挫折重重、环境恶劣，每个生命不都是在努力地克服一切、认真地生活吗？我也不能这么轻易就被打败。加油！

让我欢喜让我忧

~就做着analysis的时候，突然有感而发。~

歌手：MXR 专辑：今夜依旧在做实验
歌词改编自周华健的原词

博士快尽头 覆水难收
爱悠悠恨幽幽
为何要到无法挽留
才又想起我的初衷
给我数据又不给一些
为我凭添许多愁
在深夜无尽等候
独自泪流
独自忍受

多想说声我真的爱你
多想说声对不起你
我哭着说情缘已尽
难再续
难再续

就请你给我多一点点时间
再拿多一点数据
不要一切都带走
就请你给我多一点点时间
再多一点点经费
不要让我如此难受

你这样一个过程
让我欢喜让我忧
让我甘心为了你
付出我所有

12 June 2012

Sat whole day in front of the computer but not even manage to write a complete paragraph.
Too many distractions, I blamed. Too difficult to stay focus, an excuse.
Nope, I haven't finished my labwork but I have to start writing anyhow.
"You must try to," my boss said to me weeks ago.
It's not easy to start but let's hope once I gain momentum, writing will be a lot easier.

The PHD movie

I finally get to watch the PHD movie! Thanks to CK! And here is a short write up on my thoughts after watching the movie, as promised.
It's an hour long movie. To me, it's a little too short. Many of the interesting and 'epic' scenes are not included in the movie. Honestly, I still prefer the comic strips. But, I love how the comic characters turn into 'real life' eg. Prof Smith and the 'no-name postgrad' (which finally was given a name in the movie) as they really mimic the characters in the comic. Tajel and Mike are okay too. Just that for the character "Cecilia", I still prefer the Cecilia in the comic strips. Maybe because the actress is not as 'geek' as the character in the comic I guess.
I was laughing most of the time while watching the movie but my husband couldn't understand those jokes. I guess only people like us who are in the process (or have undergone it) appreciate those jokes. Although I'm laughing, ironically, deep down in my heart there's a feeling of sadness after finishing the movie. Perhaps for the reason that I feel the bitterness, sweet and sour of it?
But one thing that I really like about the movie is its message -'Have a life!' >_^

Check out the trailer for the movie here http://www.phdmovie.com/

Mix feeling

I'm just scribbling my feeling for the sake of recording.

I thought I have given up on research - end up not.
If I've given up, why do I still feel the fire in me sometimes?

I thought I love research - end up not so.
If I really love research, why going to lab during weekends makes me feel so miserable?

I don't exactly know how I feel now.
And I don't have the energy (and time) to dig deeper either.
I'll just keep doing, keep reading, and keep writing.
I'll get back to this feeling thing once I accomplish my tasks. 

For the 'n' times

~You reap what you sow. If you sow good seeds, you get good crops. If you let weeds grow, you shouldn't expect grapes from thorns.
Crops take time to yield, some take longer than others.
Trying to fix the effects instead of the cause is like trying to undo the harvest without fixing what you sow.
Through sheer effort and determination, land which is barren can become fertile.~

It's a tough period for me but I'm hanging on. I know someday I'll eventually taste the fruits of happiness.

Fifth year

Did I mention I'm in my 5th year of permanent head damage process? If I haven't, well I AM now,  officially. T_T

I still remembered vividly how excited and 'visionary' I was when I first started, but now all I pray for is to finish remaining labwork smoothly, collect enough data to write up, defend and then move on with life. @_@

I wouldn't say the journey is a favorable one, at least not in my case but I have not regretted my decision. The training of the entire process is what makes the journey worthwhile. The bonnet and the scroll are just symbols saying that you ARE there.

Anyway, since I'm not just there yet, I need to soldier on. I'll keep walking. Yes, I will!

Quilled Teddy by me

Climb every mountain 

Ford every stream

Follow every rainbow

Till you find your dream!

October

It's October 2011
And the journey continues
Hopefully there will be exciting findings coming up
I'm starting afresh!

自我修炼，不必急功近利——马臻

转载自http://blog.sciencenet.cn/home.php?mod=space&uid=71964&do=blog&id=385931

       很多人做事，总渴望得到立竿见影的效果。例如，以前我和别人开展科研合作，最好起主要作用的合作方先把他们负责的实验做好、把文章写好，然后我作为“配角”简单地测试几个样品，把“填空题”填好，马上就能投稿。这样最省力了！复旦大学出版社出版的《我心中的好导师》中有篇专访，形象地勾勒出这种急功近利的心理：“这就像人们往自动售货机里投入硬币后，就眼巴巴地等着下面的金属槽滚出一卷糖果来。”
        一日，我在整理书籍时顿悟，有上进心、目的明确总比漫无目的好，但很多事情（如看书、读英语、听报告、锻炼身体、自我反省）不是做了就马上有效果的。对于 这些事情，不能因为得不到立竿见影的效果就不去做。做事要自己真正喜欢做，充满激情，且不要过多“憧憬未来”才行。只管用心去做，最后当然会一分耕耘一分 收获；但功利性太强、想东想西，反而会焦躁和失望。
        我在美国做博士后时，理想是成为一位大学教授。在科研之余，我涉猎了大量和科研课题无关的原版英文书。一开始读的是怎么申请教职、管理实验室、建立科研合 作的书；后来学习了英语书和科技写作书；此后读了介绍时间管理、人力资源管理、沟通协调、激励理论的书；再后来转战人生励志和职业技能书籍。我把读书当作 是一种自我修炼的方式。读这些书，既不能产生立竿见影的效果，也不构成得到教职的必要前提，别人不读这些书也能当教授。但是我觉得这些书有开阔眼界、启发 智力、提高素养、激励斗志的作用。特别是西方有些人生励志书，它们不像国内的成功学书那样千篇一律、娇柔做作、不厌其烦地复述古今中外的故事，而是单刀直 入地揭示作者自己悟出的人生道理。书中的一些话，使我醍醐灌顶、豁然开朗。
        Matthew Kelly在《Perfectly Yourself》中写道：“人生并不在于做了这个、得到了那个，而在于成为什么。”他在《The Rhythm of Life》中更清楚地写道：“你成为谁，绝对比你做了什么、得到了什么更重要。人生的意义和目的在于成为最好的自己。”Robert Anthony在《Think Big》中写道：“在你能做事之前，你必须‘成为’，在你得到之前，你必须做事。你到达终点时成为什么样的人，比你到达终点时得到什么东西更重要。”Brian Tracy在《Flight Plan》中写道：“要实现你从未实现的事情，你必须成为一个你从未成为的人。你必须发展你从未有过的品质和特点。你必须习得你从未有过的才华和技能。要取得大的成功，你必须成为一个伟大的人。”
        在这些书中，“成为什么”、“成为谁”、“成为什么样的人”并不是指评上什么职称、当上什么官、赚到多少钱，而是成为“最好的自己”、“一个从未成为的 人”、“一个伟大的人”，这反映了一种由内而外、自我成长、自我完善的人生哲学。我国古代文人，也把“修身”放在“齐家、治国、平天下”之前。可在现实生 活中，人们往往更注重得到什么东西、完成什么指标，而忽略了这些道理。例如，有些临近毕业的大学生临时抱佛脚地恶补“面试技巧”，刻意包装自己，却不注重 在日常生活中提高自身修养和综合素质。有些研究生更关心早点拿到毕业文凭，而没有刻意提高自己的科研素质和生存技能。更注重能否当上论文的第一作者，而不 愿为他人“跑龙套”。选择职业时，只考虑工资、福利和将来的升职，却不选择最有助于提升职业技能的工作。
        我顿悟：人生是一段旅程，不是终极目标。重要的是过程，而不是结果。找工作并非是一个投简历、参加面试的简单流程，而是一个提高自己、再造自己的过程。即 便找到了工作，也要不断地完善自己。更何况，生活不仅仅包括找工作、搞科研、评职称，还包括很多美好的事物，不能光顾着围绕着各项“指挥棒”转，而忽略了 人活在世界上的意义。从另外一个角度来说，一个人做事是围绕自己的人生理念（价值观）来进行的。看书、读英语、听报告、锻炼身体、内省、写博客等自我修炼 的过程虽然未必能对心中指标性的梦想（如考上大学、找到工作、评上教授）带来直接的、立竿见影的效果，但却践行了自己的人生理念，达到了一种“爱我所爱、 无怨无悔”的超脱境界。
        无独有偶，科学出版社出版的《大学生就业不难》 写道：“那些社会认同的成功人士具有一些惊人的‘通性’——他们在‘生涯规划’或‘自我修炼’方面有着高人一等的造诣！尽管那些‘不成功’的人也很努力， 手边案头也常放着一些成功学的书籍，但离成功却越来越远。如果不能以自我成长的心态去修炼，所有的梦想也只能是梦想。”作者接着说：“自我修炼看上去是一 个很深奥的命题。其实，我们每个人每一天都在进行着自我修炼。学英语、做家教、考驾照、出门旅游、参加社团活动、帮助同学……平日里的每一分钟我们都在下 意识不自觉地进行着知识积累、技能学习、心态培养和自我成长，这就是自我修炼。”
        当自身修炼达到一定“能量级”的时候，成功便是自然而然的事情。山西经济出版社出版的《谁都可以进外企——给你一份世界500强的工作》写道：“当我们还 没有完全成为职业人士之前，我们需要一个成长和改变自己的机会，而一旦我们自身已经具备了良好的职业技能和个人素质，那么求职的过程，也就是我们自然展示 自身素质的过程，其结果不也就是顺理成章发生的事情吗？Offer 也自然就会来到，这才是从根本上提升自己职业竞争力的关键所在。”

小记：特地在此贴马臻博士的文章作为对自己的勉励和提醒 。

当我以为我好像看见丁点光亮的时候
似乎往前走就可以看见光明的时候
仪器却坏掉
哈哈，这真是在考验我的决心和信念
抱怨没用
因为改变不了现状
得要闭嘴！
面对它
处理它
解决它
放下它

How people in science see each other

Got this funny figure from this web http://biomatushiq.sotak.info/2011/08/11/how-people-in-science-see-each-other-infograhpic/

I had to share this! It's just not right to not share! If you laugh out loud, or end up crying, then it means you are one of us. Hahahaha! (Btw, thanks to watergan for sharing this on his blog)

p/s: If you want a high resolution version pic to print out, go to the link above.