Today we’ll be brushing up on our metaphysical mending skills. All
too often, we suffer unexpected and unpleasant tears in our metaphysical fabric
or loosenings of our most basic threads. While mending these distressing faults
can be daunting, you’ll soon find that it’s just as simple as darning a worn
sock—and every bit as worth your time!
Before we begin, take out your scissors, straight pins, elastic (enough
to stretch the length of the rift to be mended; when in doubt, about 1.2 yards*),
theoretical thread, a hand-sewing needle, and grosgrain ribbon (in a color of
your choosing; optional). Keep your materials close at hand to ensure this
quick and easy repair goes smoothly.
Take a moment now to identify the precise location of your rift.
Use the following chart to determine what sort of rift you’re suffering from
and where it is located.
Symptom(s): Generalized frustration, feelings of impotence
Rift type: Impedance
Location: The lower left quadrant (gazing outward) of your sixth
ventricle, just above the second chakra.
Symptom(s): Malaise, ennui
Rift type: Disaffectation
Location: The left (malaise) or right (ennui) shoulder, usually
deep inside the enervative cuff.
Symptom(s): Jealous rage
Rift type: Covetousness
Location: While this type of rift feels global, it is actually
quite small and contained entirely within the fifth metacarpal of the dominant
hand.
Symptom(s): Yearning, hopelessness
Rift type: Irredemptive
Location: This diffuse rift permeates the thoracic cavity and can
be squirrely to pin down.
Once you’ve identified your rift type and location, grip it firmly
in one hand. Spend a goodly length of time considering it, wallowing in its
complete control of your emotional state. If, after this step, you still have
the will to continue, use your free hand to carefully lay the elastic against
the length of the rift. Pin the elastic in place using as many straight pins as
necessary or enough to achieve attunement, whichever is more.
(This maneuver is tricky when mending rifts of covetousness; if
necessary, use your teeth to hold the elastic in place, being careful not to
ingest feelings of fury or straight pins.)
Using the needle and theoretical thread, contemplate sewing the
elastic in place.
If you so chose, you may now apply the grosgrain ribbon. This step
can sometimes result in a newly created morbid or grotesque rift, so proceed
with caution.
And you’ve done it! Now you can mend any rift that tears your
being asunder, and with a little practice, you’ll be able to adorn those tears
with ribbon, a lace edging, pom-poms, or even a sequined border—because even
the most persistent metaphysical afflictions benefit from some sprucing up.
Be sure to join us again next week, when we’ll explore using silk
flowers in feng shui of the soul.
