tippy-toe

I've decided to stop making excuses and just start writing. I had some good ones though. *excuses* May I entertain you with them?

I got consumed with life and love.

My laptop broke or contracted a virus. It's still needs work though I've had it wiped.

I have no idea how to take the sum of my experience and turn it into something worth reading, and have basically been too self-absorbed to write about anything else.

I was working creatively through other mediums.

Nobody really reads this thing anyway. (This one isn't true and it's not what writing in here is about.)

Marginal? I'd say so! Sad, really. I sound all mopey! Aren't excuses attractive!?

So, hiya guys! Hello, Ricochet. Let's dance!...but not tonight.

I just want to dip my big toe in here and see how it feels.

Fingers crossed that my brain will cook up some blogging fodder soon!

People. Places. Things.

So.

You still read, do you?...even after the heroine goes all gay and moves around the country???

Wait. I haven't written about the last part...so yeah...I moved around a bit...

Let's proceed...

I've been thinking. Since I've shaken things up and left most who know me, casually, to wonder...I might just throw out a bone!

Here it is.

Indeed, I did go to Dallas. I did, indeed, meet some incredible people and had the pleasure of driving around one of the most breathtaking cities I've seen. While most of you were freezing in other parts of the country?...I was playing soccer or driving around, blasting my music, with the windows down! I saw some stuff and did some stuff I'd never done. I learned to decorate cakes! But, the main thing I took out of Dallas was loads of fun with my roommates, and a friend I consider myself privileged to know. I was able to watch her rehearse for a musical(Dreamgirls), where she plays the character, Effe. Anyway, this girl is amazingly talented and took me to one of the cutest little gay bars over looking the city. Dallas is also the place in which I fell in love...

Indeed, I did go to Boise. So far, it has been my favorite place...bikes and mountains and rivers and free stuff!!! There were lots of local businesses. My favorite was the Record Exchange. It was like heaven but with tattooed musical slaves instead of angles. And I loved the people. It is a place full of of nobody-gives-a-rats-hiney-if-you-sport-a-beard-and-a-skirt-at-the-same-time! Who cares if you take your trash out in your towel! LOVED IT!

I miss it everyday...

Now, I'm back home, much further from the city than when I left. I might as well be living in a tent in the woods! There is a gas station...and a grocery store. Every once in a blue moon I'll see some hot girl at the gas station and wonder why the hell she has all of her teeth...I've been tempted to ask, "What the hell are you doing here?!". But I just smile and walk on by...

This is obviously not the place for me.

So what's next?

My goal is to move to the city and get a cute little apartment. And I want to buy yet another bike! I hope to get lost in my writing and art and finish school.

You know that saying, "You can never go back home". I never understood it really. I took it to mean that things change when you're gone. I am learning that in actuality?...I think we romanticize what "home" means. At least that is my experience.

Though I am loving being with my family again, I'm itching for another road trip!!!

Here and Now

I just read an article on yahoo the other day about how "daydreaming" or letting your mind wander from your here-and-now, causes unhappiness, or makes for a bad mood (even when you are dreaming of something positive).  I guess their studies are not yet complete, but this is what "they" (who ever they are) are beginning to figure from the data that they have collected.

Do you believe it?

I think I do.  This often happens to me at work, in the wee hours of the morning, when I'm basically asleep with my eyes open.  Actually, I think I'm guilty of daydreaming through at least 80% 50% of my daily tasks.  But at work?  I'd like to cuss someone out when interrupted!  I think I am guilty now, more than ever, of not living in my here-and-now.

When I really got to thinking about it?...it made me sad!  Here I am...getting ready to leave my family, and my home, and my city, and my job, and my dentist, and my goat-girl ,and my chiropractor, and my....EVERYTHING....and I'm not present for what little time I have left to soak it up.

I'm dreaming of warmer weather...of the ocean...of freedom...of love...of road tripping...of adventure...of soon-to-be-friends...of EVERYTHING ELSE!

WTH!?

I'm going to try to work on this.  You should too.  Let's truly be here together.  If we are not present for our here-and-now, how can we hope to really live our there-and-then?...make sense?

Surprises! Brace yourself for some...

I have writer's block like you wouldn't believe...too many things are swimming around in my head to hook any one thought and actually articulate it!  I can't even update my status on Facebook!

So, I'm going to try really hard here.  I'm hoping if I just start writing, things will come together.

There are many things that have been surprising to me!  I want to share them with you.

I can't believe how freaking supportive and awesome my parents are!  Really, they have blown me away!  They actually read my post, and found out that I was leaving, that way.  I didn't plan to have them find out that way, I just didn't think that my Mama-Judy read this blog that often.  I thought I had tons of time to tell them after writing my last post.  Despite the surprise, they have been really cool about me leaving.  They have also been completely supportive and understanding of my decision to date women (Yep.  I said it.  DATE WOMEN).  They always have been.  I don't know why I would be surprised now.  I had to promise not to get any more face piercings (you all know I used to be all pierced up) and to keep in touch!  I can handle that.   They respect the fact that I know myself and have had enough life experience to say that I am able to give much more to my relationships with women.  I know what I've said in past posts, but I was trying so very hard to be something I wasn't!  I think I did a damn good job!

[Respect and understanding is exactly what I'm looking for.  I hope you all can give that to me as well!  Honestly though, I'm to a point where I don't care what the heck people think of me!  I hope for your sake you can respect another individual that believes differently and lives differently than you do!  I think it's the bread and butter of life...to learn and experience other people that are much different from myself.]

I'm surprised that me and my brother bonded over my sexuality.  He offered to be my wing-man!

I'm surprised at how hard some people are taking it (my leaving).  My brother and my cousin took it the hardest.  My jaw just dropped when I found out that my cousin called my aunt crying uncontrollably!  I don't know why this surprises me!  But it does!  My Mama-Judy said that she thinks it's because I've felt a little detached from the family. I agree.  I've been working weekends and going to school full time for so long.

I'm surprised that Ian's sister didn't come to the house to slash my tires or break my bones when finding out that I was leaving him.  That girl scares me!  You would be scared too, if you knew her.

I'm surprised that it is Ian's mom's side of the family that has been the most supportive.  It was Ian's dad's side of the family that I was emotionally attached to.

I'm surprised at my confidence in myself.  I don't have that achey, nervous, negativity that I've felt when leaving past relationships.  I've learned a lot as a married person, struggling to make it work.  And I think I did a fantastic job.  I really do.  I think we both did a fantastic job!  I can say that I gave everything I had to this marriage.  I gave Ian all the love I could.  It wasn't the lack of love that was the problem.  Also, I feel like I would be crazy to settle in my future relationships.  I know what I want and what I don't want.  I know that I have a lot to offer.

I'm surprised at how smooth everything has gone!  I'm glad that it was never ugly between us!  I wonder what the people at the courthouse were thinking while witnessing one the happiest soon-to-be-divorced-couples they've ever seen.  I feel good.  I know this isn't what Ian wanted, but he understands and accepts.  Sometimes, we still car-pool to work.  And we hug.  And we're kind.  It's great.  I will miss my friend.

I'm surprised that I'm going to miss my job!  I spent the first year despising it with all the politics and incompetent supervisors who just love to come up with new and improved ways to screw up our processes, while having no idea how these "improvements" work in reality.  But I've invested four years of my life in that hospital.  My coworkers have become like family to me.  My supervisor is awesome (most of the time)!  He told me to let him know if I change my mind about leaving...that he would rip up my two weeks notice because he doesn't want me to go.  I felt all warm and fuzzy!

I'm surprised that I've accumulated three huge trash bags full of shoes!  I had no idea I had that many freaking shoes!

Yeah, I think that ought to do it for now!

Love to all.  Sorry I haven't been visiting lately!  I will get to it, I promise.

A letter to my family...

I don't even know how to start....

I have been sitting around for months reflecting on my life...life with Ian, my job, my career path, and all that I've accomplished.  And as you know, or might not have known, I have been severely depressed.  I look around and see that I have a good family, good friends, a cute little house that we've made a home, nice cars, nice clothes, a degree, and more.  All this I am grateful for.  But I am not only unhappy, I have depressed, stagnant, frozen in fear.  I've had no desire to do anything, even the smallest of tasks (I've been forcing my ass to move and stay busy).  There are many things that have led me to this place.  I have never before felt like this. 


It is for these reasons that I feel I need to make some changes.   It has taken, me, going through all of these things, before feeling hopeful enough to make a MOVE!  I don't believe I have really been listening to myself or making the leaps I need to make, in order achieve a state of happiness and peace within myself.  I needed time to think.  I needed to sit still.  Now it is finally time to move....

For as long as I can remember I have fantasized about living in a warm place next to the beach, surrounded by interesting people.  I thought, however, that I could not leave my family, that I couldn't live without you all in my daily life, that I definitely could not go alone. 

Recently, an opportunity has presented itself.  A very good friend of mine (and Leo's, we were a threesome at one point), Jill, lives in Dallas, TX.  She needs help with bills, is sick, in stage four cancer, and has offered to house me and Leo.  I am moving to Dallas and I have already started looking for jobs ( I will be a Texan within five weeks).  Her ultimate goal, our ultimate goal, is to make it to Longbeach, CA by this summer.  (Jill has never seen the ocean.  I've never lived on the coast as an adult.  Leo has tons of family in CA.)

You might ask why I need to go halfway across the country to do these things?  I want to experience life in new surroundings, branch out, make new friendships, rediscover myself. I want to gain confidence in myself and my choices.  It will be do or die, if that makes sense.  If none of these things happen?  I will, at the very least, get a break from my current circumstances, of which I will explain further.

 I want to transcend, as crazy as that sounds. 

The women I will be staying with have these same goals and both understand the demands of the church, as they were both active members at one time.  They also know what I'm going through.  They too, want to make things happen, better themselves, and grow.  They are strong women in whom I trust, and know will do what they can to help me, if I need them.  We all need each other right now for different reasons.  And I will be in good hands.

I don't know how long I will be gone.  I don't know if I will be coming back, for good.  I just don't know.  I will say that I will keep in touch, always, and try to make it back for some holidays.  Writing that just doesn't seem good enough!

And Ian...that lovely man....

Most of you know that we've had a hard go of it.  Neither of us got married for the right reasons, but we really grew to love one another.  We've been through a lot with his tour and the passing of many people we loved dearly.  He is a wonderful human being who has loved me unconditionally.  I love him deeply.  Unfortunately there are differences that cannot be resolved...from our beliefs to our goals and desires.  I believe that it would be best for the both of us to go our separate ways.  The thought of him finding someone who shares the same goals and beliefs, someone who will give him the things he desires most, makes me happy.  I don't see a future together, not one in which we could be truly happy together.  We are very different and have grown apart in many ways. Plus, I'm gay...so there's that.

I hope that what I have said here does not get taken personally.  I do not mean to belittle the love, support, and acceptance that you all have given me.  I couldn't ask for more from you.  I know that at times, I will probably physically hurt, missing your hugs and faces.  I love you all very much...too dang much to disappoint myself and not be what I know you wish for me to be, and that is, to be ME, to accept ME, to be happy, to be successful, as I define it.

You know those moments in life where you seem to reach out, blindly, unknowingly even, and where there was nothing, suddenly, there is something, that you are able to feel, touch, taste, smell, something very similar to what you felt you wanted in your heart and now feel with your hands?  Maybe it's just me?  If I would have made any other move earlier than a week ago?  I would not be on this path of which I will embark.  In short, this feels right, unbelievably right.

I can't even begin to tell you all how much I have to get done before I leave, but I'm sure you can imagine!  For a time, I probably won't be writing much.

Sooo....I'm scared and proud and excited and sad and stressed and motivated and happier and hopeful and...sad, and did I say excited?!

My Belated Birthday Dinner...

I still feel like I'm three...

Me and Robs

Stisha, Mike, and Leo (this girl is always mad at the camera. really.)

Couldn't get them to look at the camera at the same time!

Steak, shrimp, mashed potatoes, sauteed zucchini, raw veggies, pani-popo, earthquake cake!

I'm spoiled!

It takes the edge off of the countdown to thirty.

Twenty-nine! It's like a bad dream...with good food.

Flames of old and new...

I've been going through my past a bit, reminiscing.  I decided that I want to scan a bunch of pictures from my past and post them on fb for an "Oldies" collection.  I went from flipping through pictures to flipping through poetry.  I've shared many things about myself in my own perspective.  So, I thought I might share myself through the eyes of another...my husband...
(plus I've been trying to post everyday for the rest of the month and I've got nothing)


Beautiful World

She is beautiful, so very beautiful,
like a winter's shining landscape.
She is as delicate as the petals of a daisy,
as free as an eagle soaring against the blue.

Her eyes are as mysterious as the calm sea.
Everything about her is so very precious,
more so than all the gems of the world.
Her soul is the essence of the sky and the earth.
Her feelings, a volcano that is yet to explode.
Her smile is the smile of lost innocence.

Pain vibrates deep inside of her gentle heart.
A lock shuts in the disturbed thoughts of her mind,
a mind with as many roads as the world has.
In her, I see a pure truth,
as if looking at a clear night sky.
Millions of stars twinkle within her.

She is beauty as I define it.
She is perfect, her imperfections make her so.
She is my best friend, and I love her.

I would give up all the things I think are pretty,
if I only I could hold her beauty within me.
For she is everything in this world;
as I have found a world in her.

~Ian Goodale~

(I would post the two I've written about him?  But honestly? they suck!)


But wasn't that fun?  Want more poetry about muah?  Stop gaging and suck it up!


These two I will keep anonymous....


Untitled

Sometimes I sit in the night,
and wonder why I met you,
why was I blessed.
Sometimes I wonder how I can love you so,
yet I cut you deep within.
My knife is my hate.
It cannot be contained.
You are setting me free,
giving me life;
a breath from you fills my soul.
I love you; my heart aches with this.

The love that I feel is suddenly, real.

~anonymous~


Untitled

Brown eyes tell me who you are.
Brown eyes keep me smiling all the while.
My heart is aching; I feel it breaking.
Why can't you just be mine.
Nothing seems to satisfy me,
like swimming in you,
the sound of your voice,
your laughter dancing in the night,
singing a song, music to my ears.
I know without a doubt,
this will go on for years,
without  end.

~anonymous~

Aaaand.....I'll throw in an oldie from my own collection for good measure...


It's juicy.  Are you ready?


My World

Her eyes lure me in,
inviting me to take from her admiration and honesty.
Her soft, sensual lips,
tempt me to take from her breathe and saliva.
Her smooth, beautiful body,
entices me to take from her modest intimacy.
Her enlightened intellect,
inspires me to take from her wisdom and passion.
Her wild spirit,
seduces my inhibitions, and I give,
my mind,
my body,
my soul,
my world.
~yours truly~

Love makes for good writing.  Lust does as well.  Don't you think?