The devil is in the details

Resolved

I'm going to write the remaining three posts about things that have occurred since I left for break (and are all slightly deeper than my usual fare) out of chronological order because I somehow have a block over writing what should be the next post. Probably because it will end up being excessively long. But whatever.

Once upon a time, I wrote a blog post that I never finished called "What I like about you". This post, written in approximately August or September of this year, was about the fact that I was really happy with myself at that time. By happy with myself, I mean that I was happy with how my life was going but even happier with how I was acting and my general attitude towards everything. I was acting "like my favorite version of myself" and I was quite pleased. I was also pretty sure that I had sort of stumbled into a good groove and that I would stay that way for a while. This coincided with some conversations that I had with other people about how I thought it was not unhealthy to say "I don't like myself very much right now" because it implied that there WERE qualities about yourself that you like very much and that it was more of a statement that you needed to change some things, not that your self-esteem was low. I was differentiating between "I don't like myself very much right now" and "I don't like myself very much." This distinction could be all in my head, but I think that it is an important distinction, at least for me personally. As far as staying in my little groove...I was wrong; it didn't last nearly as long as I'd hoped.

After saying all that, I offer you my New Year's Resolution:
I would like to be more assertive/more outspoken/less self-conscious/more able to take risks this year. Those particular qualities were really the ones that I was so proud of at the end of the summer and I would like to make a conscious effort to be more of ther version of me that I like. I think I hold back on saying things far too often (be they comments, facts, jokes or whatever). For better or worse, all those things are me being me and I should just go with it and not worry so much. Does that make any sense?

I like this New Year's Resolution because it isn't committing to making some enormous lifestyle change that might be somewhat untenable or rash "just because it's the New Year." It is reassessing myself and coming up with something that I would like that also seems to be something reasonable that I can do.

Edited to clarify the final paragraph: I guess what I mean is that I feel like a bigger resolution (which might require more of a lifestyle change) is not for me for New Year's. I do not do change very well and I need a reason other than "New Year's" to make a big change. There are some other things that I want to do, but I think they will require more gradual change for me. I like my resolution because it is something that will make me happy but is also a small-ish enough change that I think I can be successful.

posted by Immunegirl @ 4:59 PM