With friends like these...

My friend Josh challenged me to a stream of conciousness nature inspired poetry contest... here's what I came up with:


Rain:

rain is like a binding weave

that roots me to this world

while it flows and falls with sound

it carefully explodes,

and I am left in reverie

a million kisses deep

I am left with wondering eyes

without sadness yet to weep.

Not Gone

One, two, three
drops that seem to fall so easily
like everything on earth was planned to be...

down from the sky
patterns form in front of my eyes
and I can finally let go of my control

there's got to be a purpose in a world where water flows
always to a source, does not run dry
there's always more

there's got to be a romance in world like this
where seasons bring a change
only the dead can miss

there's more to us than meets the eye
there's goodness in the hands
that fix broken bones
and broken hearts
and broken plans

the numb is balanced out
by the pain and by the joy
the lost find connection
even if only once and then passed by

cling ever to the memories of life before the lost
and cling to the belief
that only the good things have this cost.

Starting My Day Off Right!

So my new fall routine is:

wake up and hit snooze
roll around until the last minute
get up and check out my hair-architecture so I can laugh :)
then turn on "Stripper Anthem" and get to work on my day

don't ask me why but Apoptygma Berzerk's remix of Metallica's "Nothing Else Matters" really gets me pumped for the day. Next comes "Back in Black" and "Shiny Disco Ball" and even a mix of "Diamonds are a Girls Best Friend" and I'm out the door with a smile and smoky eye make up!

Quotes

Audrey Hepburn: I decided, very early on, just to accept life unconditionally; I never expected it to do anything special for me, yet I seem to have accomplished far more than I had ever hoped. Most of the time it happened to me without my ever seeking it.

Moderation? It's mediocrity, fear, and confusion in disguise. It's the devil's dilemma. It's neither doing nor not doing. It's the wobbling compromise that makes no one happy. Moderation is for the bland, the apologetic, for the fence-sitters of the world afraid to take a stand. It's for those afraid to laugh or cry, for those afraid to live or die. Moderation...is lukewarm tea, the devil's own brew.
Dan Millman, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior

The time is now, the place is here. Stay in the present. You can do nothing to change the past, and the future will never come exactly as you plan or hope for.
Dan Millman

You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do.
Olin Miller

Develop interest in life as you see it; in people, things, literature, music - the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself.
Henry Miller

What does it matter how one comes by the truth so long as one pounces upon it and lives by it?
Henry Miller

Hey, You...

Listen to Bryn Christopher's "The Quest"

I love it and I think you will too!

It's that time...

That life changing time again. It's fall... officially and I am making so many changes and I'll be honest, I'm in a good place, slightly uncomfortable, but good. so, of course, I cut all my hair off. The dye job is next....

Have I ever mentioned that Fall is my new years? I always do beginnings in the fall. I look forward to it every year :)

In other news I finished a few books:
"Twilight" thats the one I've been ashamed to mention. Teenagers falling in love and vampires... embarassing but it makes me happy!

"The Boys of My Youth" a fantastic collection of essays. I loved it so much I forced it on Melanie before she moved to Oregon. I had finished it about two days earlier.

and now I need a new book but I have been spending so much money on books lately. I guess I'll have to resign myself to reading one of the books I bought and shelved immediately. I have "The Mathematics of Love" I started it four months ago. Fine FINE I'll read it. Also Ayn Rand's "Anthem". I loved "The Fountainhead", I read it a few years ago. and Theoretically I will love Anthem I just haven't been in the mood yet.

The internship is going really well. So far all I really do is donate time twice a week to researching poetry and literature about miracles and pioneers involved with autism. I show up at the founders house and drink tea while pouring over books or internet research.

My other endeavor is the ballroom dancing. Oh brother, don't think that dainty twirling you see in films and on "Dancing with The Stars" is really dainty. At least its not when I'm learning it. 3 hours once or twice a week I work with a guy who's grooming me to be his partner and man is he patient. Right now we work on Rhumba, Samba, Cha Cha and Jive/Swing. It's thrilling when I can be led without being told ahead of time. He puts on music and we twirl and dance around the room and it's fantastic. Then I take off my heels and limp to the gym before work. I'm trying to channel Ginger Rodger's. We were born on the same day... but she got the grace. I look like a bull in a china store. actually whenever I feel like I'm learning to walk again (which is 90% of the time) I say "bambi" and bat my eyes to make Dale laugh. I feel like bambi learning to walk (but more like if bambi was actually a rhino). I can't wait till it all starts clicking... it really is beautiful when it comes together and I don't tread on his feet or knock his knees.

uh what?

I had a dream that included the following characters/real people:

Del
Tori (Del's girlfriend)
Kevin - he was crying in my dream
Lane Kim from Gilmore Girls
Brittany a girl I went to University with but didn't really know very well
Jaye Paul
The Irish Guy Justin... you know the one


I woke up panicked and disoriented. I thought I had another fight with Del and Torie wasn't talking to me (well that part is true), that Kevin was upset at me, Lane was my roommate and Irish Guy was my boyfriend and also quite pushy.

Dreams!

Promises

you are like a seed
you were planted in the dark
and everything around you
seemed unknown and stark

chaos bred insecurity
and also bred remorse
and nothing seemed at all alright
as your youth ran it's course

nowhere for your roots to spread
no-one to tend your needs
a wild bitter orphan
all alone among the weeds

who could come along and give
who could show you love?
who could turn from obvious
and raise you up, enough?

and now your body somehow found
a way to grow and thrive
to fight against uncertainty
to keep your soul alive

You have made a garden grow
you have come to be
a beautiful, original
a point for all to see.

but somewhere deep inside of you
the pain of being left
never seems to fade away
and still catches in your breath

what will it take to set you free
to show you all's not lost?
that every weed you grew past
was worth the pain it cost?

How can you see past
the abandonment inside
and focus on your future
and strengthening your pride

no matter who the sower
no matter what was left
you're worth every second
deserving of respect

I cannot replace the past for you
and for your youth I'll greave
But you'll forever be my love
and your side I'll never leave

so go ahead, revisit
your painful darkened past
but remember you're no longer dead
you have a home, at last.

Bouldering on Sunday...

... my first of such adventures!

Josh made us sandwhiches to sustain us.
Then showed me how to climb.
I followed suit... incurring many scrapes and scratches!
But we made it to the top and took in the view!!

Bouldering.

Then we headed out to Runyan Canyon to hike off the adrenaline with Josh and Holly's pups!

It was a great sunday :)

Seperation Anxiety

I was musing today on my changing thoughts of love and sexuality and how they relate to each other. Childishly my whole life I assumed they went hand in hand except for a few cases here and there. But I have found, lately, that it is entirely possible to seperate the two. And that makes me crazy! Especially since I wonder if I have ever experienced them together. People talk about nothing being like thier first love but for some reason I feel I have not had that one yet. Oh yes, I have loved and I have been in relationship. But nothing I miss with nostalgia or idealistic yearning. No, I have come to realize that I can either love, or sleep with someone. and I wonder if one precludes the other. This may sound tiresomely circular but hear me out. I know that I have loved men and I know that I have slept with men. But I can't think of one man I have been in relationship with that I can remember loving me least of all the ones I slept with. And there are men that are in my life that I know love me and that I love. But none of them have I been romantic with and so it leaves me wondering if sex excludes love, sex turns love into hate. I can either have love or I can have sex and it has started to color my perception and the two verbs must stay seperate. Those I love I can't see any sexuality and I am sexually attracted to those I know, KNOW can't love me and I can't love.

I am learning that life is not one equation for all that I have to figure out. I believe that love and sexuality exist for some couples. But that does not mean that it will for me. This is such an exploration in my life. I assumed that I would have everything when the time was right if I was good and loving and patient. But now I wonder, noone gets everything and I can't expect that. SO love or sex, love or sex. Or both? Or neither is an option too. Can love bring forth sexuality? Never in my, admittidly limited, experience has sexuality bred love, but I suppose it's possible. I guess that is my future to find out and when I do, I will write about it so perhaps it can be a window into possibility.

Shoulda' Coulda' Woulda'

I should be sleeping. I could be reading my book (I'm ashamed to admit what it is). I would LOVE to take my contacts out. But, Jason just installed my new hard drive and I am drooling all over my computer and resetting everything!! I am tired and I have to be in Lakeforest at 9am (early for my sorry, old, ass) and then a double at work. BUT MY COMPUTER IS RAISED FROM THE DEAD and I can't pull myself away!

Truth Time...

Since tomorrow is the last day I could possibly hold out until anyway, I will just say it...

I am sad that Melanie is leaving tomorrow. She is my best friend, my sister. I am so excited for her and I know that she is doing exactly what she should be doing... following her dream. It's exciting and wonderful and achingly bittersweet. Words cannot express what she means to me, my longest friend, my truest friend, as close as my blood. I know that this is not an end, but a change.

and, since I'm telling the truth instead of pretending to be perfect, I'm sad that all my music is gone too :) I keep saying it's a good thing my hard drive died and a great boot to the future. But in truth, I miss my 4 year stock pile of music, my friends through thick and thin.

There, I said it. Do you want more truth?

I am glad this week is almost over, that my Dad left this morning and that the waiting game will be over. I love my Dad, but I was so stressed out. I have a new appreciation of my normal life and my gypsy nature (i.e. any thoughts about giving up the dream and moving home to be a more active part of my family is gone). No regrets, I moved to California for a reason.. or several.

Melanie and I watch a string of boring movies and felt a little bit like movie snobs... maybe we are, but we don't recommend the following snoozers: Smart People (the worst of them all); Michael Clayton; The Assassination of Jesse James. It's also possible that we were too tired or preoccupied to dig into the last two, but Smart People sucked for real.

I finally buckled and bought a pair of expensive jeans. They're from Lucky and I shed a tear at the $116 dollar price tag. They did fit me really well. I realized I'd been beating myself up for not fitting the same in my jeans and they are all Junior sizes from stupid department stores. I have hips now. I thought I was getting fat but I wear a size 2 at Lucky. I just happen to have gone through puberty now... a change I fought tooth and nail but seriously I'm sure some good will come of it :)

Lastly, the truth about OA. I am not an overeater. Here is the embarrassing honest to god truth about why I am trying a 12 step program. I miss being anorexic. I miss it. The one thing keeping me from not eating is that I am smart enough to know that eventually you have to again and when you do you become FATTER. I am not anorexic now because I know in the end it will make me bigger. That is a problem. I hate food, I hate eating, it never ceases to leave me feeling horrible, ugly and grotesque. Even salads, carrots and fruit. It's not the workouts and diet plans... I thought it was. I thought if I lost enough weight, if I was skinny I would solve the problem. I would feel good about myself. But the problem is not matter how much I weigh - I hate the way I look and feel and I don't like eating. At this point I workout everyday sometimes twice a day and I do shows. Now, I'm no olympic athlete. But I am active, very active. if I don't work out, I don't think I should have to eat. Or need to. I don't want to feel like this, even if I was ten pounds heavier I don't want to feel like I can't exist until I am a size 0 again. I don't feel that way about other people, so why me? I want it to end once and for all. I want to be okay in my own skin. And since it's a neccessary evil, I would like to enjoy eating again! I am functional and healthy so I consider OA to be what Melanie calls "be a better person therapy". I am not anorexic, but I would like to have children one day, children who know that they are beautiful and worthwhile no matter what. I have to be their role model and I can't right now because more often than not I hate myself... because "I'm fat".

Melanie

Nothing is more beautiful
than the love of my sweet friend
an unsolicited bond of truth
a promise never end.

Days turn into months
and months turn into years
era's start and end together
shared joy and tears.

Distance never meant a thing
except geography
Souls connect and intersect
value in will set free.

No matter what the future holds
no matter what will be
a sister and friend you are
you have forever here with me.

The Deep

There is no deep
but this deep,
You breathe me in
and watch me weep.

Don't torment
do not deny,
just softly stare
and let me cry.

There is no love
except this one,
let me go
and let me come

Bold and bright
or gray and dull
wax and wane
push and pull.

I know your love
beyond your voice
you know my love
proven through choice.

This Day

My little brother called me this morning and... apologized. My jaw dropped as he explained "I'm really sorry I talked to you like I did. I know it hurt your feelings and I'm sorry. You know I love you and I didn't want to hurt your feelings." I said I had thought I knew he loved me and didn't want to hurt me and that's why I was hurt. I started to cry. He didn't defend himself, which is a first. He just apologized again and said he wouldn't do it anymore. I asked if he was calling because Dad asked him to. He laughed for the first time and said "do you know me at all? I don't do anything just because someone wants me to! No, Dad didn't mention anything to me. I just thought these past few days you would know I was sorry but that's dumb, of course you don't just know. I need to tell you and I hope you'll hang out with the family tonight and I can show you."

Setting boundaries and respecting myself led my brother to respect me to, this time. It's a step. And he didn't try to embarass me because I was crying.

It's encouraging on many levels. It might seem small but while my Dad wants to coddle and enable Eric because he had a rough childhood, I expect him, not to pretend he wasn't abused, but to not continue the abuse himself. I know he can be different and if not, he can't abuse me. Anymore.

On an entirely vulnerable note, the fact that my brother can apologize and recognize what happened and come to me and tell me that he's sorry and he loves me gives me a glimmer of hope that He'll be okay one day. And, that I will be okay, that I can be loved, that men will not trample me my whole life. I know that its a long road and I have to continue to demand proper treatment. But there's hope and today there's respect, I am a human again. And Eric can be open and considerate. Today we're okay. Today.

A New Life for the Low Low Price of $60.00!

So much has happened in the last week or so that I can't keep up with it, I can't catch my blog up! I will summarize a bit though.

I had a very cool conversation with my friend Jaye. And while usually we talk about weight loss and exercising we talked about... God. Jaye had been getting a "feeling" about me. Don't get the wrong idea, he is in Japan as we speak proposing to his longtime girlfriend. In his email to me he wrote "A lot of the time, I get a spiritual feeling of comcern. I can't say how I recognize this... actually I can. I get thoughts about certain people, thoughts of concern. I begin to wonder what they're up to, and if they're o.k. I go with these feelings and usually I'm right. Sometimes I'm not, but it lets that person know people care, and talking with you a person who cares about life is always good." I cried at work one day, a pile on the floor about how I am working out 7 days a week and dieting and I am still fat and ugly and I don't want anyone to see me. He hugged me and told me to calm down, stress makes you gain weight and so does working out 7 days a week. That's when he started researching for me and sending me long emails with advice and encouragement. He sent me all kinds of info on fitness and then stuff like this "Take those thoughts to God in your prayers... Not exactly asking god for a six pack, but asking him for discernment, wisdom, health, strength, comfort, joy. Things of your heart, he reads those feeling like an open book. He's blessed you already, because you love... God IS love(fact). Imagine not being able to Love... how miserable life would be." and I felt my heart quicken. I grew up Christian and I don't like what a lot of Christians have to say... not because they believe Christ is a savior but I, I don't know, it's how I feel when they talk to me. How I feel is the only unit of measure I have. Like nothing matters except to be in the club that believes "the right thing", not humanity, not suffering, not love in it's many incarnations. And I felt when I read that part of his email the way I feel when it rains, like God is real and no matter how many men leave me God loves me because he knows I love the rain. Water makes me feel safe, it always has. I sit outside in the rain and in those moments I am complete. I don't know why. When Casey told me he cheated on me I listened like a zombie, walked outside to the pool and dove in fully clothed. I let him continue to talk to me while I sat in the pool because that was my territory and he couldn't hurt me there. Water. Okay, that's quite a voyage away from the point. Anyway, I couldn't deny how I felt and so I thanked Jaye for his encouraging words and for not being afraid to mention God to me. He told me the parable of the seeds sewn on different terrain and he said "Crista, you and I were seeds sewn amoung the rocks where the weeds try to choke us out. Don't let them, they are just weeds. But, for your whole life, there will always be weeds trying to choke you out" and after that we went to get coffee and Jaye talked about his life his faith and I asked questions and it was great. I felt like I know what I have to know, I believe in God, I believe in Love, I believe Jesus was real and good and he is a part of all of the major world religions, I believe all religions have validity to them. I believe that God knows me, Jaye talked to me because God knows me. It sounds bogus even as I write it. but that's what it is and since then I feel more spiritually settled. Then Jaye left and my Dad came into town.

My phone is broken. I have to get a new one.

My CD player won't play CD's, it's broken.

My hard drive is broken too. It died in the blink of an eye and with it every picture, poem, journal and song I have collected over the past four years. One part of me could be devastated by that fact... the pictures, the journals, the music..lets face it, my poetry is on this blog. BUt I am not devastated. I'm not even sad. I have nothing now keeping me in the past. I HAVE to move on. And I think it is sign of the times. My life is changed, I am changed and I have nothing to keep me dwelling in the past. I am excited. When I took my hard drive to Apple they told me it would be $700 - $800 to replace it. But because my landmate and her fiancee are AWESOME Jason looked it up and found an exact replacement for $60.00!! Wow, can you believe it?! Same Jason who had me order brake pads and then put them on my motorcycle for me.

Melanie, my best friend, is leaving for Oregon on Monday and we are spending as much time as possible together before then.

My Father is in town and while it was nice to see him, he has broken communication with my Aunt and, after the Eric incident sat next to Eric as he, yet again, called me a bitch. I blinked. I asked my Dad incredulously "did you not just hear Eric call me that?!" My Dad said in a cool and calm voice "no, I'm driving, I wasn't listening" Eric was in the passenger seat. I know, my family does not care. My Dad, who claims to love me has always allowed this. When I was younger and Eric pulled a knife on me my Dad punished me for not being able to control him. I love my Father but my whole life he has asked me to allow people to hurt me and to try to understand that they had problems and I was strong enough to handle it. And I am. But I don't want to any more. I don't want to allow people to call me names and tell me I'm worthless and just understand that they are hurting. It doesn't help them in the long run and if it did I'd be willing, but it doesn't and I think I have ample proof. I went to my brothers game, I love him too. Love covers abuse but doesn't allow it. I am scared. I have never been strong with the men in my family. But at what point do I get to decide that I deserve to at least care for myself? This point, tonight. My Aunt has cancer and she's really sick. She got upset at my little brother and my Dad left her house in the middle of the night without so much as a note and called me to ask me to stay with him. My Aunt calls me histerical and apologizing for being upset at Eric and afraid my Dad, her best friend, is going to leave her because of it. He won't talk to her. But he expects me to pretend like Eric didn't threaten me? He expects me to "get over" EVERYTHING and pretend like nothing happened but he won't speak to his terminally ill sister because she got upset at Eric for not washing his hands before dinner? Skewed. My family is skewed. And my Dad heard my little brother mistreat me and doesn't care. I am hurt and I am hurt for my Aunt. Men suck sometimes, at least the ones who love me.

But not all of them.

In other news I went to my first OA meeting. I have a chip :) I am not really an overeater. But I am willing to try something other than compulsive gym time and dieting to feel good about who I am. I am willing to look into everything. I see myself as a research project.

One More Update... a happier note I promise

By the way, I love the internship! It's for a non-profit called WordTheater. I spent 5 hours researching literature for pieces to be performed at an event called Acts of Love - Autism Speaks. That's right, paid in lunch, I spent my Thursday buried in Yeats poetry, letters from Flannery O'Conner, Vietnamese and Russian Fairy Tales, and Time Magazine essays. Sounds like a perfect day to me.

The woman who started the non-profit asked me what I was interested in. I said "writing. I want to get published" She said "perfect! my interns usually work with me a year before taking a paid position" and then she set me up in the office burrowing through literature. She does a lot of voice over work and is actually "the voice of the Democratic Campaign". Nice!

So I'll be working in Mar Vista with my nose in a book Tuesdays and Thursdays. I'm stoked!

Update

Thank you Stronger and Melanie. I'm so sorry I worried you guys, I vent through my blog. I was/am really upset over this and part of me feels ridiculous for being so hurt. My Dad talked to me about why Eric did this the underlying reasons, and Eric was abused too. And while I understand I told my Dad it didn't matter. It doesn't matter, it doesn't stop until I make it stop. I am tired of people defending abusive behavior just because people have a past. We all have pasts. And I am hurt that my Dad would make excuses for him. But in the end, I am really the one making excuses. I am the one who has to say "this is unacceptable"

I woke up this morning and went for a walk. There is a song by Alanis Morisette that I have been starting my runs with lately called "Not As We" and in the chorus she sings "Day one, day one, start over again" and I play this first thing because I start over every morning, every run is the first run, every day is the first day. I will make I am statements. My ballet teacher in college told me to fake it till I make it and now I am finally applying it:

I am strong.
I am worthwhile.
I am positive.
I am capable.
I am loving.
I am kind.
I am smart.
I am good.
I am changing my families pattern of abuse, at least as far as it pertains to me.

I'll be honest, I don't like referring to it as abuse. I feel like I'm being petty and sensitive. But regardless I want it to end.

Thank you for loving me and letting me write my true unfiltered feelings. Thank you for telling me I'm not worthless. you're words mean a lot.

Taken Back

My Dad came into town. My little brothers first football game is tonight (Friday night). Since I live close to the airport I told my Dad to stay with me the first night. In between flights my Dad called and said that when he gets in (around midnight) Little Bro wanted to come up and hang out ie, go out to eat. My brother has never come to visit me up here because it's far for him to drive when he's tired ,so I always go see him. I was surprised and a little worried, I knew I would be tired at the end of the day after shows and work outs and we were supposed to all spend Friday together and then see his game that night and stay up late hanging. My Dad's flight was delayed and he got in around 1 am and called me at which time I was dozing already so I gave him directions and told him to have fun with Eric but i was going to turn in once he was settled in. I was exhausted. I couldn't believe Eric was going to come out. I started to fade again when I got a text... it was from my brother : "Cool of you to flake. Not like I waited up to see him too. Have a great night" I blinked.. he's mad at me? Oh well, probably just frustrated. I guess Dad decided he didn't want to hang either. I put my phone down. A few minutes later it went off again "Yea, I probably wouldn't have the balls to respond to me either after I did that". Now he's baiting me. I searched my soul for guilt... there was a little, I had worried about canceling but Dad is in town a week and I was not going to be good company when I was so tired. No, this was starting to sound like my Mother when I was little. I was offended. My brother had been ignoring me for the past month and half because he was busy. I understand that. So why was he so upset when I was going to see him the very next day? I wrote him back "Probably not since you have to try to man handle me through text" he responded and this was the beginning of the end "Want me to come tell you to your face? I just know your too much of a coward to answer your phone. You would blow me off like you always do. But seriously don't think for a second I won't come to your door step to tell you whats good punk. Who you think you're talking too" My heart froze. This was my childhood being handed to me again through my brother. I hadn't been threatened by him for three years. The last time he pushed me up against the wall and screamed "you don't want to make me hurt you". At that time I had looked at him straight in the eye with fake bravery and said "hit me if you must. It won't fix anything" he had slammed the wall behind me and left. Tonight I called. As soon as he answered the phone he didn't wait to ask me anything, he dove right in with "what are you thinking bitch, you want to step to me, I'll come to your house and show you. You're a coward and flake you stupid bitch, you're a waste of everyone's time" I cut in and talked over him "Eric you don't have a right to talk to me like this I didn't do anything to you, I didn't stop you from seeing Dad, or doing whatever you wanted to do" (the insults were still coming. In between shut the fuck ups and stupid bitches I started to cry and I hated myself for doing it) "You always cancel Crista, everyone knows your a flake, it's a joke throughout the family. You waste everyones time" "Eric, I come to see you all the time. You don't even know where I live" "Don't tell me what I know bitch, I'll teach you, I can talk to you however I want" I lost it and started yelling into the phone "Stop CALLING ME NAMES IF YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TALK TO ME LIKE THIS." He laughed and said "yes I do, call a spade a spade, your a bitch so I call you a bitch" "I won't talk to you like this" and I hung up and sobbed. I immediately got a text from him"LOL, don't call you names? how old are you? you seriously sound like a little kid which matches how you act" I turned off my phone. I know it's dumb, I felt like a child and I threw up after I hung up the phone. I sobbed for a good half hour until my dad showed up. I am worthless, i am ugly, I am a dog that people can kick, I always have been. Do I really mean so little to those closest to me that they can treat me like I am a useless piece of shit? Yes, I really am nothing. I'm fat and ugly and disgusting and noone would treat me like this if I was skinny and pretty and worthwhile. But I'm not, I'm an ugly piece of shit, a stupid bitch, a waste of time. My Dad showed up and I was wiping away the mascara. I told him what happened. He said Eric was sleeping when he called and wasn't going to come out anyway. Nice. I took off work to go to his game today. I don't want to go. Not because I don't want to support him, I do. But I know him, and he will push me around when he sees me, insult me and call me a stupid bitch. My Dad will stand up for me but it will feel benign. I want boundaries. I want safety. I want to never be threatened by my family. I want to never feel like this again. But I will. Because this is my family and you can't pick your family. I can't shut him down because he is more than me. I hate conflict, I hate aggression, I shut down if you yell at me. I am weak and I cry and crying makes you vulnerable and open to be kicked. I will be kicked. I will be humiliated. Because in the world of men I am a tool and only tool. I am simply here to make men feel powerful. and they do. They all do. and that is why I simultaneously hate men and I hate women. and I hate myself. If only I were smart, or pretty, or small. God let me be small.

Mi Familia

In the last couple days I have spoken to my Mother, Father, Brother Emmett, April and my Aunt. I love my family and I feel such an equilibrium lately, a contentedness I have never known before. Like I rest in the knowledge that I have a family and we love each other and we are sort of getting to know each other. The rest of my family is much closer and familiar, but I am part of it too now. I talked with my brother yesterday and we shot the breeze... what? We talked about family members but also about music and the Batman movie and careers. When we were wrapping up my brother said to me "hey, thanks for calling... want me to call you later? we should talk more often" I hung up with a smile on my face. and then my eyes started to drip.

One part of me is overjoyed. Our family has overcome it's obstacles of pride and hurt and the past. I am so proud of us. And the other part of me is so angry that our group of good, obviously loving people couldn't be a family when WE WERE a family, when we lived together and before I felt like I was worthless and deserved to die. I am jealous that we had to lose our childhood and youth (my parents included) to frivolous violence and suffering. I know that that is ridiculous, life is what it is and I am so thankful that we have healed and are healing now instead of when people are old, sick or dying. But I shed tears over the years of shit that didn't need to happen. I am so very lucky that I have a burgeoning relationship with my brother who didn't speak to me growing up and my mother who admittedly at one point hated all of us. I am. and I am sick with the senselessness of our past struggles. Why? WHY?

I know the answer is that life is life and people are on the journey they are on. We get what we get when we're supposed to get it good and bad. And yes, I understand things I wouldn't have. But I lost everything first. And my brother tried to kill himself. and my parents hated each other, divorced, split things up, my father nearly died. For what? For what do we argue and fight and hit for?

Wish me luck again...

I didn't make it past the first cut of the Osaka audition. It's all good.

Today I have an interview for an internship position at WordTheater. It's a nonprofit literary/performance company. I sent in my application after reading their ad on craigslist. They're looking for someone interested in the writing/producing side and someone who can do admin stuff.. that's me! So here I go!

I have a new toy!