#187 Uncertain stage in life...

I am at the uncertain stage of my life whereby I felt a burden to achieve something in life. This is the age where everyone either further studies to higher level, get married or start to build career. I choose to postpone my Master and build career first. Marriage is not my priority now, not until I’m over 28 years old, I guess. In between of having career, there’s other thing that I would love to do, to achieve, continue what I like/love to do, spend more time with friends before everyone drifting apart because of career and family. My coffee session with friends is not about college, friends or gossips anymore, it is more likely asking each other whether we could make it in demanding world and become who we want to be. This kind of conversation is depressing, really. It is not fun. The talks at the moment was fun, but once you go back and think about it all over again by yourself, you just feel trapped and everything seems blur and mostly you get depressed because if possible you want to see the immediate result of whatever you plan. Everything takes time, fuck. 

I was having this session of talks too many times that I could ever recall with buddies. But last week, I was having this conversation with Najee, for the first time. Clearly we both have our own plan but both want to go into the same direction. We probably too busy planning for our own stuff but at the same time, he’s there for me, support me and indirectly, I feel everything well balance. The pressure of achieve something but having the support that you need. Alhamdulillah.

I am trying to find various way to make whatever that I want to happen, and the pressure is getting higher and stronger. 

I am turning 24 by near end of March and everything worries me now. Don’t picture me sitting in one corner feeling depress and cry myself to sleep. Of course, that’s not what happened, my day usually fine and I’m happy with what’s life offered me now but I can’t avoid having thoughts like, "what the hell do I achieved by 24 ?"

Well, I really need to figure out something (I already figure what I want to do actually) and take action on it. 

Sudden thought: I don’t want flush toy anymore for me to cuddle with at night. I want a cat, real one. (Meh…)

Then again, whatever it is, God knows best. I just have to work on whatever I want now.

#186 A Letter for You, Love

You are kind, supportive and one of the remarkable people I ever met. You are love and you care about something but you just don’t know how to express it sometime. You are harsh, but at times you can become the sweetest person ever. You are so ambitious and someone with a plan. I can see a sparkle in your eyes when you talk about what you like – your desire. I hope you won’t lose it. If it happens, try your damn best to find it again because that’s what makes you so special – your passion.

You are really reserve about everything, but that’s okay because there’s reason why and I think I kind of understand why now. And that’s make everything even more thrill because I never get tired to figure you out although sometime I will lost in the sea of thoughts but that’s okay. I love those feelings. Being negative is fine, because you always presume the worse, and you won’t have high expectations on anything but you always have to believe that we can craft our fate and have faith in God. 

I love days where you just listen to me. I love days where you trying your best to be here for me because I myself have a day where I feel like everything just erroneous. But I end up, being as reserve as you, will shut everything off and cry myself to sleep…alone. I wish we could share a little bit more about our dreams, thoughts, fear and love to each other. I am better…when I’m with you. You enthuse me. We are weird together but it feels just right.

Through thick and thin, I’ll be here. I have faith in in you. I believe that one day you will accomplish all your dreams, you will finally get to do everything that you want. A little faith and patience, you will get there. You are so special that God won’t forget to give you something that you really want to achieve, trust me. 

I’ll see you later.

Sometime it feels like so long, yet it is just for a short while only. Sometime it feels like so short, yet it is almost quite some time already.