Disability

And here's the 63rd Disability Blog Carnival, on the theme relationships. We had nearly 30 posts, all of them thought-provoking. Thank you to all of the participants!

Rather than try to summarize each post myself, I have shamelessly stolen the format from linkspam, so each link is followed by a respresentative paragraph or two from said link. Let me know if there are any issues with the links and/or my compilation thereof.

A quick signal-boost: Not Just Work is rb's blog about the relationships between people with disabilities and their attendant carers. They'd love to have new stories submitted.

Links submitted directly to me:

What Disability Teaches by Cold SnapDragon

Think about what 'it' has taught you. Break up the task into small manageable parts -- if there's one thing having a limited number of 'spoons' has taught you to do, it's to break work down into small manageable chunks.

If I Pretend Hard Enough, Maybe I Will Be Totally OK Again by killing_rose

I hate days like this when I remember that Noises and Smells are evil and lurking around the corner, waiting to scare a migraine out of its hiding place. I hate the fact that I ran out of protein bars that I kept around for quick food to take with meds, because if I had had any on hand, I wouldn’t have felt like a burden to my friends. And maybe, when I called my father ten minutes ago, I wouldn’t have felt like a failure when his first question was whether or not I was feeling all right today. And I hate the fact that I blame myself for the fact that sometimes, my body breaks in new and fun ways.

Fighting by Head Wise

I am pretty sure that a lot of my unbridled emotion while arguing is coming from a desperate need to control my life again. I am still pretty newly disabled, and I am working very hard to accept my new way of life, but it is sad and frustrating and it makes me want to rage against the dying of the light. The light being my future, which I am having trouble seeing through the fog of pain.

So, I win more fights lately, because my very loving boyfriend doesn't want me to totally destroy myself. These victories are empty and without honor, though, so I get no pleasure from their spoils.

Mostly.

I'm Not Simply Unwilling at Life As I Know It

When I was younger I used to think I was unsociable. Everyone around me seemed to have no trouble interacting in large groups and generally getting out and about among people. However I always found this hard. It wasn't simply the hearing impairment; I just never felt comfortable in any group larger than three.

Then in September 2007 I was diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder not otherwise specified), which is basically a mild form of autism. As I learned more about autism, I realised that a lot of my issues were due to the PDD-NOS. But while knowing the reason has certainly helped me accept my issues, I do still struggle with them sometimes.

let's skip hello and say goodbye by 109_0415 (warning: mentions of suicidal thoughts)

You know, he likes me
But I don't think he knows me
He told me once that his friend
acted like he had manic depression.
I told him I was crazier than his friend.
He didn't comment.
He never does.
Nobody does.

Ableist Attitudes and More by Leigh at Not For Your Entertainment

She basically went the same route my mom did, adding that I was a good person with a good heart for dating girl and to consider the future in case anything (cue gloom and doom) should happen, and that I should consider if I'm really ready for it, and somehow in all that also said that me dating woman might be a phase (without actually saying that).

What hurts me more is that they're both doing what they think is helping me. When really they are just poking that doubt that I already have in the back of my mind, and freak me out, and de-legitimizing my choices and relationships. They are enabling the ablist attitude that I know I have and that I'm trying HARD to not have. I HATE that part of myself and them basically telling me that that part of me is RIGHT and REALISTIC angers me.

Everything She Does Is Beautiful! by In My Eyes: Life With Cerebral Palsy

She taught me that she doesn’t see the chair which as a gawky self conscious young teen who was for lack of better wording craving “normal” friendships. I was uncomfortably used to the fact that my manual wheelchair equalled socially invisible. This was turned upside down by this woman she saw me as an equal- we would talk about boy crushes and stuff she would bring her boyfriend etc

thank you dear friend for opening my world up to able bodied friendship

One Way Friendships by Biodiverse Resistance

The opening line of Sarah Kane's groundbreaking and incredibly intense play about depression, identity and psychiatry 4:48 Psychosis (written shortly before her own suicide, and only first performed after her death) is "What do you offer your friends to make them so supportive?"

This is the question that I have always wanted to ask the neurotypical world, and not rhetorically but in honesty.

Autistic Relationships: Some Thoughts by Cat in a Dog's World

I'm not saying that every neuro-atypical person should seek a relationship with another neuro-atypical person. What I am saying is that these relationships are both common and valuable. We neuro-atypical people do not need to have a relationship with a "normal" person to make us normal by force or proxy. We can make our own kind of normal.

The Summer Thing by Ballastexistenz

The first relationship the summer thing interfered with is my relationship with myself. On both a psychological and physical level. How do you form a relationship with yourself when the more connected you get the more it hurts? I spent most of my time trying to edge as far away from myself as possible. One of my early memories involves trying to imagine the world without me in it, and getting aggravated that no matter what I imagined I was always the one imagining it. If I got anywhere near my body or mind I would get overwhelmed by this blast of pain and retreat if at all possible.

Thoughts on Interable Love at a Breaking Point by Crip Confessions

Though I have worked for nearly a decade on forging a radical disability identity through engaging with disability activism, culture and studies, I continue to grapple emotionally and psychologically with the disconnect between disability positive tenets and my view of my body. This disconnect has become all the more apparent during this injury.

De-centering Non-Disability, Part Four by Modus Dopens

So when we say that it is resource-intensive to restructure society such that it will be more accessible, what we’re really saying is that it will be resource intensive for CNDPs (ed.: currently non-disabled people). Keeping society inaccessible is already resource-intensive (or spoon-intensive) for disabled people.

Valentine's Sex Fest (Or Not) by Feminists with Female Sexual Dysfunction

I may be living with a form of female sexual dysfunction - the only valid, important form of FSD, depending on who you ask (I would contest that assertion,) but, paradoxically, I have nonetheless often been able to enjoy a vibrant sex life. However, my idea of “Sex life” probably doesn’t match most folks’ definition, and sometimes I am unable to have the kind of sex I want. I don’t match what you see on television, let’s put it that way. And my sex life certainly hasn’t come easily… no, for me, the act of sex does not come naturally. No, I’ve had to fight for what I have.

It’s not easy. I’m defending myself on multiple fronts – identifying as having FSD means most folks automatically assume I’m some kind of living stereotype, and that all my problems would go away if I could just learn how to communicate better with my partner and if I did less household chores. Or if I dumped him. So I’ve been struggling to be true to myself and be sex positive at the same time. How do you get involved with the sex positive community when FSD is like its antithesis?

Well-Matched by Laura Overstreet at Lefty By Default

Caregivers come and go, sometimes more often than we would like, but the relationships that develop over the time spent doing some of the most personal and important work that can be done are timeless. I celebrated my 30th birthday earlier this month and received a very sweet card from Amy that made me reminisce about our many talks and the perfect book at the perfect time from Becky. Few people probably know me better.

may have lost my way by now by recessional (warning: suicidal imagery)

Basically, how does your disability impact (or not impact) your relationships with the people around you?

Basically. Basically.

The question scratches at my mind. Am I allowed to answer this question? I don't know. Do I have a disability? I don't know - my PTSD, my ASD, these things aren't formally diagnosed. Maybe that's me stealing identity. Maybe I'm evil. (Am I evil? I don't know; human things are confusing. I don't think I'm evil in my world, because I don't steal things and I don't hit people and when people are upset I try to find a way to not make them upset, but human things are weird; I don't know. I don't know what the rules are.) Does my three-year stint of depression (this time, I've had other times before) count as a disability?

Truth/Illusion by dorianisms at Dorianisms

So there’s two sides to my social self, as it were. But what I wonder is (and here’s where the title comes in): which one is more ‘genuine’? What counts for more, the fact that I have difficulty in social situations, or the fact that I apparently am good at them anyway? Is being socially adept enough to count as being charismatic? Or do you have to be naturally so, effortlessly so?

Fuck if I know. I know that sometimes, when I’m tired or just having a rough day, my social interaction skills go kaput. I can’t muster up the energy to access my social scripts, to play the game. So how can I be called charismatic, if it’s something that transient? Conversely, how can I not be, given that most people probably would not guess how hard it can be for me?

Distance makes the heart grow panicky by dechant

I may not see my grandmother alive again. I have to be okay with this because I cannot access the kind of therapy that would help me fly, nor do I trust medication to keep me from panicking. I joke with Mum that I'll have to hire an anesthesiologist next time I fly; it's only a little bit of a joke. I'd prefer to be out cold.

Scratch that. What I'd prefer is not to panic at all, ever, but right now that's not an option. Until it is, I hope my family will understand.

Passing As Ethics, Or Whatever by A Deeper Country at I'm Somewhere Else

Autism is not all about being bad with people, even though that's what most people think (once you can talk). A lot of people are bad with people in different ways, but they only want to talk about us. How they can make us better. What they don't know is that being a person who was once bad with people is its own punishment. That is, it's a whole new way of being bad.

Autistic Thoughts on Autistic Relationships by codeman38 at Normal Is Overrated (companion post to Guest Post: Misinformed Autism Awareness Doesn’t Just Hurt Autistics)

Greetings. I’m Cody, I’m autistic, I have a girlfriend, and I love her.

Yeah. I hear you saying it right now. There are autistics who actually want friendships? Autistics can actually feel love for others? Autistics can be in romantic relationships?

And to answer those questions: Yes, yes, and oh so definitely yes.

Guest Post: Misinformed Autism Awareness Doesn’t Just Hurt Autistics at Normal Is Overrated (companion post to Autistic Thoughts on Autistic Relationships)

So let me put this plainly:

I’m sick and tired of being told I’m broken in some way for loving him, and sick and tired of having to explain that most of what gets said during Autism Awareness Month doesn’t apply to him or most other autistics.

And I’m especially sick and tired of the way all people in relationships with autistic people, whatever their point on the diagnostic spectrum, are being tarred with this Cassandra Affective Disorder thing.

disability blog carnival by bookwaltz (ed.: currently access-locked)

Suggestions for family members--do not assume that your relative wants to talk about their disability at family gatherings, and DO pay attention to social cues that indicate it is time to steer the conversation elsewhere. Just because you want to show enlightened you are--does not mean I am comfortable or just plain want to-- chat with you about my disability. And perhaps I just prefer to talk about some things one-on-one not with a group in the rooms. Believe it or not this might reflect my preference--and my own sense that there is a time an a place for everything.

Posts suggested by Penny L. Richards, of Disability Studies:

Aspificating snobbery over the DSM all over again by ballastexistenz

And some of us might rightly find it insulting to be referred to as the ones that others had to be oh-so-tragically “lumped in with” (you know, “crazy”, “low functioning”, “retarded”, “autistic”, or other categories that people seem to do their darndest to distance themselves from). Like we have disability cooties or something from the way some people behave, and like having the medical people put us in the same category as our “betters” is such a terrible threat (and like it changes anything about who any of us really are).

And it’s true. It’s insulting. It’s insulting to me. It’s insulting to anyone who bears the characteristics that any individual aspified snob might throw at us. And it ought to be insulting to all of those who don’t have disability cooties At the moment either. Anyone with any decency should be appalled that people are upset, not over anything that is really going to harm autistic people as a whole, but at the idea of being thrown in with the rest of us.

Connected by Wheelchair Dancer

What disability has taught me is the power of movement. And movement is relationship. As a performer, you can't just push onto the stage, do your thing, and roll off. Even if you execute everything perfectly, you won't have made a connection with your audience -- you have to be able to connect with the dancers around you and with the people you can't see, people somewhere out there in the audience. Even before that, though, the most important part of movement is your relationship with your body: disability taught me that.

Intent! It's Fucking Magic! by Genderbitch

If you say something ableist, you’re not actually contributing to the system that demeans PWD because your intent will gird your words with alchemical shields, made of eldritch power themselves, that prevent the words from creating and furthering social associations between disability and being bad, wrong, broken or unwanted! I know? Isn’t it grand? I love magic!

How To Respond to Hate Violence? by Laura Hershey

It’s one thing to mourn this woman’s terrible death, and to analyze its roots. But I’m left wondering how else to respond. First, I call on all disabled women to join in expressing solidarity with Jennifer Daugherty, anger at her killers and at the social conditions that disempowered her, and determination to fight with all our sisters against oppression and violence.

Second, I invite all people who care about nonviolence and justice — feminists, human rights activists, and others — to connect the dots, to recognize this and other disability hate crimes as manifestations of serious power imbalances based on disability oppression.

Lost and masculine mobility by Liz Ellcessor at Dis/Embody

Locke’s persistent desire to overcome his disability is presented in strongly masculine terms – he hopes to go on the walkabout to overcome nature and find himself, he asks for a job in manual labor, he wants an able body to go through with his marriage. He perceives his body as an impediment, preventing him from a properly masculine self-actualization. As is so often the case, then, disability is linked to femininity, and understood as less valuable than a traditional masculinity.

Saying It Doesn't Matter, When It Does by Wheelie Catholic

Your choice - or even initial request- is seen as extra work. It's an inconvenience. So when you make a choice, you're left feeling as if you've done something wrong. If you express a preference, someone acts out. Ironically, because they have a title or power, they may even label you as acting out- just for making a choice.

Sensory Issues and Sex by NTs Are Weird

There are a few things which aren’t always considered when discussing autistic people and sex. The first is romantic love. This is an emotion we can experience, and a powerful one. Like many of our emotions, I believe this emotion is felt very deeply in many of us. I didn’t particularly think it possible before I met my wife, but it is clear to me that I was wrong about that – I can and do feel it. Experiencing an emotion impacts the chemical balance in our bodies, impacts our body’s systems (for instance, your stomach may be impacted by fear or stress), and even changes the way we perceive stimulus. It is amazing, and wonderful, at how differently the touch of my wife feels than any other touch I’ve ever experienced. I might jump at most people’s touch, but I crave my wife’s touch. I believe love has a lot to do with this.

Race, Disability and Desire by A. Rahman Ford at Racialicious

Although I have been both black and disabled my entire life, for years I lied to myself about being disabled. I could appreciate the pride that accompanied the black experience, the historic and perpetual triumphs and tragedies that inspire the progress of a people. But disability was different. Disability was a curse much worse than the curse of Ham, and instead of accepting it I fled into a lie of being someone I could never be and should have never wanted to be. I became a victim of an able-bodied orthodoxy, one memorialized into my memory, derived from the seeds of my lived experiences and the veil of myths through which those experiences are strained.

As always, more information on the Disability Blog Carnival can be found at Penny L. Richard's Disability Studies blog. Next month's carnival will be hosted by Athena, Ivan, and the Integral. They hope for submissions that address the question, "If you had a chance to strike down a single stereotype, which one would it be and why?"