Wow, it's been such a long time since I've posted! I thought I'd give up on blogging, but lately I've been having a lot of feelings that I've wanted to write down and this is a great way for me to express myself.
Most of my family, and close friends know of my struggle with anxiety. I developed the anxiety after Matthew was born. I chalked it up to PPD. It took 9 months for me to actually feel "normal" again. It was the most difficult 9 months. When we moved from the Central Valley to San Diego, it seemed that all of my anxiety and depression disappeared, magically. I have so enjoyed every moment living in San Diego. Dave and I cultivated great and lasting relationships with other couples in our wards. We always felt so accepted, and needed by others, which keeps me going. I always had things to do...places to go....people to meet. I was always busy, doing things... working on hobbies, and projects. All in all, San Diego felt like HOME.
Recently, Dave and I moved to the Inland Empire of California. AKA, the grungy 909. This move has been especially difficult for me. I thought I'd never have to battle that ugly anxiety again, but alas, it has gotten the best of me. I find myself missing everything I had back "home". It is different here. We get all the best of L.A. The smog, the dirt, and... the people. Just last night, I went to get some Taco Bell (to all of my family laughing right now... this is the first time I've been in a LONG time :) As I was waiting at a red light, a car load of men next to me were throwing around a lot of racial slurs, knowing that I could hear. Since I wouldn't turn my head and look at them, they honked their horn many times to get my attention. I still didn't look at them (fearing the worst, it was 9:30 at night). When the light turned green, they sped off yelling something very obscene at me. I thought to myself, "great, why in the heck did we move here!"
I am struggling deep inside, trying to find some purpose for moving here. I have a hard time motivating myself to do all of those things that I enjoyed back home. I find myself always wishing things would be different, but not taking the steps to making them different. As I was pondering on my current phase in life, I glanced out the window, and saw people in the neighborhood living their normal day to day routine. Then I thought to myself, how can someone possibly be happy without the gospel? And there's my answer! How can I be happy without the gospel? I haven't been doing my personal study like I should. I haven't been praying like I should, Ive been trying to live alone. Thats impossible! And the effects of it have been enormous! Now is the time to start being "active" in the gospel again!
I will have faith that things will be different. I will have faith that my anxiety will weaken. I will have faith in the Lord. And, I will do my part to be worthy of those blessings!
I am always grateful for great friends and family that remind me of what is important, and that this is too, just a step in our great adventure of life. We are young, we are capable, and we will overcome the challenges that are placed in our way.
I am grateful for a husband that works tirelessly everyday, to provide for our family. It is not an easy job. Words cannot express the gratitude and love I feel for him. I am truly blessed to have him for eternity.
So, here's to a new beginning, and a little crack in our road. :)
