A Summer to Remember and It's Not Even Half-Way Finished

I know it’s been awhile since I’ve written, but lots of things have been going on. So far, it’s been a strange summer. Some good things are happening and some, well…challenging doesn’t even come close to describing it.

Why Me?
I had to lay somebody off from work today. It was probably the second worse day of my life as I’ve met his spouse and son many times at work. The guy isn’t a bad person either; he’s friendly and a hard worker. It’s just a matter of bad timing, his role, intense pressure from executive management, and a bad economy - which seems to be getting worse by the month.
Since my boss left earlier in the year and I stepped up to replace him leading a group of 28 I can’t help but wonder if I made the right decision. It sure seemed like the right one at the time with the team backing me up and the support of new executive management. Things seemed to be going really well for a few months - my projects were all in an upswing and morale seemed to be at a high. Then about 3 weeks ago finance jumped in and started asking me on multiple occasions to justify every single person for each project in the foreseeable future, on my already lean group.
So far, I’ve managed to save more than they’ve asked me to cut, which to some outside of my team is an absolute miracle compared to other groups.
But I keep wondering what other miracles I’m able to pull off in the next 12 months, especially when every business decision I make can end up costing a whole lot of jobs next year.
That pressure alone is breaking me.

A Test for Raising a Teenage Daughter
My 16-year-old niece is out visiting for a month from Ohio and has been watching my nearly 6-year-old daughter while out here. Within 3 days she made friends with nearly every single teenager within 6 blocks from our home. Maybe even further, I’m still trying to figure that out. My parent challenge started at day 3 when at 10PM at night she asked if she could go to a friends’ house to hangout. This was on a Thursday and 10PM at night. I asked whose house it was and then went over with her to talk to the neighbor, who we (thankfully) know. Other days, I come home and there are 4 kids in the house -thankfully, no boys – my rule.
Seems like most days she’s hanging out at the pool for 2-3 hours with friends and strange guys are texting her late at night or she’s getting free ice cream and such because she’s “made friends with the guys that work there.”

I swear, I do NOT want my daughter to ever be a teenager. As a Dad, my stomach turns worried whenever my niece is out.
I emailed with my brother-in-law a week ago and he said she’s the reason his hair has fallen out.
Overall, she’s a really sweet kid. Problem is I still see her as that 2, 3, 5-year old years ago… but just taller.

6 going on 16
My daughter turns 6 this weekend and because she’s been hanging out with her older cousin she’s now really into music by people I’ve never heard of - she really wants feathers in her hair like the other teenage girls around us and she’s asked if she could get a cell phone for her birthday.

I need a summer vacation.

Girl Scout Cookies Are Phat – Except Ones With Fake Sugar

Has anybody tried the new ‘Sugar-Free Little Brownies’? They’re not really brownies, they’re more like hard cookies that taste like Nyquil mixed with 2-Buck Chuck.

I tried to ‘like’ them by eating 3 - I thought my palette ‘needed to be cleansed’ or something like that, but no they tasted worse with every bite.
I didn’t know what to do with them after nearly spitting out the 3rd (I couldn’t just throw them away, some orphan in China spent hours baking them in her Easy Bake oven.) I had a few options 1-Take them back to the parent (that’s rude, it’s not his fault) 2-Stick a little sign in it that says “Free Bird Food” and put them in the hall at work (people love free food in the halls) 3- Use good ol’ fashion bartering—

I ran into a fellow co-worker on the way to the bathroom:

Me: Hey, did you get your Girl Scout cookies from Bob?

Co-Worker Gigi: You mean Natasha?

Me: Yeah, him too.

Co-Worker Gigi: Not yet. I got a box of Thin Mints.

Me: You’re lucky. I got the new Sugar-Free brownies that kind of taste like dog butt or licking the sidewalk.

Co-Worker Gigi: (strange look, uncomfortable pause)

Me: I’ll trade you for some Thin Mints?

Co-Worker Gigi: (pause) No, that’s OK…

Me: You sure? They taste just like Diet Coke! I’m sure your kids love Diet Coke!

Co-Worker Gigi: I don’t have any kids.

My sales tactic needs some work.

The wife tried one (or 2) last night and it had the same effect on her. She told me I deserved it for trying to get ‘all healthy’ with the Girl Scout cookies. I didn’t buy them because they were ‘Sugar-Free’, I bought them because any mention of ‘Brownie’ sounded pretty good at the time (kind of like how Popcorn Chicken sounds good about now...)
My advice to those who haven’t bought any yet – stay away from the ‘Sugar-Free Little Brownies’! And you Girl Scouts – give me some sugar (in those Brownies!)

The Battle Between Work And Family Life. What Would Elmo Do?

There’s just something about being at work 10 pm on a Sunday that really gets a parent/spouse like myself thinking about ‘the career’ and the future.
I’ve been working a lot the past few weeks and the part that really bothers me most is not seeing the wife and daughter nearly as much as I’d like. I see my daughter for about 30 minutes in the morning and that’s about it.

The other night just made my heart melt, I called the wife (like I do every night while on my 20-minute ‘dinner break’) and talked to my daughter. She was doing her normal chatter about Elmo and then she comes out and says “Daddda --- I-luv-yooooo” all in one breathe. After I said my goodbyes, I hung up the phone and about died. What’s happening to me? That must be the helpless feeling that a parent in jail feels after the kids leave the visiting area – the only difference being that I’m free to choose Coke or Pepsi at dinner. Thankfully, these crazy hours should be over in a week.

The ‘higher-ups’ at work are there all-the-time - even during non-demanding times. These people can be found there until 8-9 every night and also come in on weekends (I sometimes wonder if they sleep in their cars...) The thing that strikes me is that the vast majority of them have spouses and small kids at home. That bothers me - a lot. I’m wondering if that’s my destiny and if I really want a life like that too (I'm on that track...) I’m almost to the point of getting off this soul train. Maybe staying on the slower one that doesn’t require passing up my family along the way, much like those people have done.

My greatest fear is looking back 25 years from now, when my daughter is all grown-up and wishing I would have been there watching her grow (feedings with Elmo, chasing boys away, teaching her how to draw and play video games, crime-fighting, etc.) but somehow missed out because I was too busy working.
Although, on the flip side… What happens if she ends up working at Hot Topic, smokes crack, and runs away with some truck driver/wannabe rock star, actor from Oklahoma?! Then I would be wishing I did spend more time at work. Does anybody know where I can borrow a DeLorean with a flux capacitor?

Sharp Objects Aren’t For Toddlers; They’re For Throwing At Attacking Ninja’s And Their Angry Diseased Monkeys

What would you do if your kid comes running to you with a handful of pushpins in her hands, in her hair and yelling “Eat!”, while at work? Me? Well, scream on the inside, of course, all while holding back a tear, trying to keep calm (her and me) and hope she doesn’t start crying bloody murder so that the co-workers don’t call the police/Superman/social services/Jesus/Oprah.

So I brought my daughter into work for a few hours. I always like taking her to work – it’s like “Show and Tell” walking through the halls, while people poke out of the offices and cubes saying things like “oooohhh, how cute!”, “look at her cute clothes”, “so that’s what a kid looks like”….etc. She loves the attention and in a proud parent kind-of-way, so do I. She’s my little pride and joy. And besides people are much friendly to you when they know you have a kid (you know, like in the movies when a victim is about to get shot by some bad dude, and then he yells “WAIT”, whips out picts of his kid(s)…then the bad dudes boss tells the rookie bad dude to only shoot the victims legs – hmmm, that could be why I carry a picture of my daughter around….just in case.)

This visit was much different than her last a few months ago. She actually moves a lot faster at 18-months... like a Ninja. One minute she’s sitting, quietly eating her Elmo Crackers humming "E-I,E-I- Oh"; I’ll turn away to look at my computer, then look back only to discover she’s run out the fire exit with somebody’s car keys and hidden bottle of tequila.
I have to watch her like a hawk these days; unfortunately those parental “eyes in the back of my head” haven’t developed yet. And she talks a whole lot more now too - but only the kind of talk that only few (wife and I) can really understand. For instance, her “Ahh man!”, sounds a lot like “Ahh, sh*t” (don’t ask… but you should see the stares we get for that one.)

What was I writing about again? Yeah, so I was picking needles out of her hair while singing Elmo’s song (distraction) and saying things like “yeah, Elmo's is one crazy dog...bird...monkey..45-year-old sicko” (quietly and calmly though - didn’t want to make people come over) and then she stared at my face, looked concerned, then said “Dada?!”….Ahh SH*T”….(real loud!)

At least she uses it in context.

The Workplace Holiday Party – Bad DJ’s, Free Alcohol, Picking Fights With Dwarfs And Home By Midnight

Last night was the big party, I love these things – it gives me a chance to talk with people I normally don’t chat with on a daily basis (in case you don’t already know - I’m a ‘talker’) Meet co-workers significant others, which is always interesting, for some you can tell why they never leave work; others you feel really sorry for. And it gives those of us around the office a sneak peak as to who’s on the ‘way out’ (drinking like nobody’s business, doing crazy stuff like breakdancing to “Cool and the Gang” or “Celine Dion-club remix”) or on the ‘way up’ (hanging out in the VP’s circles, laughing real loud like Pee-Wee Herman at unfunny jokes.) It also gives us a chance to see which VP’s assistant will be drunk of her/his butt, freak dancing with a busboy.

This one was held at a trendy club in Hollywood, the kind where they hold the line outside to make it look like it’s “happenin’” inside (with Rog and Rerun.) I hate it when they do that- what are we 21 year-olds? I don’t think so! - I have a kid, and dream of going to bed at 10pm these days. It just irritated us since it was just our company taking over the place and it was cold outside (did I mention its been in the 30’s at night? This is L.A.- things like that don’t happen here. The earth is very angry.)

Anyhow, it was fun. We stayed out until our $50 ran out on the babysitter meter, I talked so much yelling over “Beat It” and Madonna’s “Holiday” that I lost my voice, and we were given extra cocktail tickets since the HR woman knows my wife and I pretty well. Other than that, pretty uneventful – I know all of you were hoping for a Christmas party with orgies, heated debates over how a Lexus really is just a Toyota (plus 30k), and a drunken boss who picks fights with midget bouncers (in high heels), etc. Me too…maybe next year we’ll invite Willie Ames and Charo.



Pssssst! By the way...we're leaving for Disney World with the wife's family for Christmas and New Year's, so no blogging fo' me. Take a break and spend some time with the family. And if you happen to find a Nintendo Wii....let me know.