Today's the Big Day

This is the picture from the post I deleted on Sunday. These are things given to me that at the time, I thought I was going to toss them all out. I have a few hours to decide...

...where I throw out reminders of much of the last 25 years of my life. The dumpster will be dropped off today, and we'll fill it with all the remodeling debris as well as a bunch of other stuff that I've decided needs to go in the process.

Someone told me that it will be emotional. As I gather up the last vestiges of stuff that I should have tossed out years ago from the crawl space, yes, I am beginning to cry.

I'm crying because I did the dumpster thing a year ago at my Dad's house, emptying its contents and trying to find some shreds of things that I wanted to keep or my siblings would like to keep. Today will remind me of that.

I'm crying because in terms of possessions, I now have everything that I have ever wanted--all the decorative objects you could imagine, a practically brand-new redecorated (for the most part) house, I don't need to train that much right now, I'm getting some time off this weekend, my back is healing, lawyers in Illinois and Colorado are working diligently on my behalf to get my Dad's Estate closed, I'm apparently not sick, I'm going to Florida in 2 weeks on business (but happy to get into warmer weather regardless), I'm going to pay someone to rake up the rest of the leaves in my yard and cut down the perennials so I can enjoy this weekend, I'm having my new garage door installed next week. On the surface, an entirely new life is coming my way. I should be happy, right?

I'm crying because a relationship that I really wanted to make work, and where I felt for the first time in my life that I was truly in love, has ended. All I wanted was a shred of a sign that the supposed love would have a chance to grow, but all I got was nothing. It still hurts like hell. I'm not done here. I have decided not to throw out the glasses and necklace from NothingMan. They mean something to me.



I am not sure what I am going to do when all of this finishes. Who will I be? Will I still remember myself, the parts of me at least that aren't broken or hurt? Will I think this was all worth it? Do I even know why I decided to do all of this? Or rather, why all of this change was thrust upon me? Even though I generally consider myself fairly adept at handling change, am I going to handle it when it's no longer a work in progress, but it's finished?

The last year has changed me. The last 3 months have changed me even more. Am I going to be able to put a date on the calendar, today perhaps, and mark it as "Sheila V2.0?" What does that program look like?

Did I really need to go through 3 years of sadness, death and extreme change to get here? Is that the only way? Can I go back? Can I be happy again? I mean truly happy! Certainly I've had some bright spots in the last 3 years, but underneath it all has been this current of sadness and destruction. Will I come to life again? Will I recognize myself?

Step 1: Throw everything out that I no longer need.
Step 2: Wake up tomorrow. See how that goes.

That's as much of a plan as I have right now.

My First "Moment" of this Training Cycle

I'm having a good cry right now. It was triggered by thinking of a friend, Brett, who is doing his first Ironman this Sunday at Coeur d'Alene. I realized he might be leaving this very minute, so I left him a message on his cell phone, and then headed to his blog to leave some last minute advice, AND I sent him an email. Apparently, I have a lot to say to this young man!

I'm not sad--I'm very happy for Brett, and in thinking about first Ironmans and the many I've done, I suppose I am realizing how blessed I am to be healthy enough to do all this training and have all this prosperity in my life to be able to travel to races and events, and to well, just plain enjoy life. So these are tears of happiness and joy and awe and gratitude, and it's almost the summer solstice and the days are very long, very beautiful, and life is just bursting all around me.

Some of you may think the crying is a sign of overtraining, but it's not. I am literally enjoying myself SO much this year, not just in my "triathlon" life, but in the rest of my life, and I am amazed at all the universe has laid in front of me. I have so much, but I also see my infinite potential. Sometimes this gives me the feeling of being totally out of control, which I suppose is good, because (as you may have guessed), I am a person who likes to be very much in control. Yet I love the yin-yang of feeling in and out of control.

Today is a very long day, and I want to get started on it. See, I've "suited up." The shades are my new Catlike shades that I got with the Catlike helmet (which makes an appearance on Friday). It's bound to be a great one!

Namaste!

Edit: And then I swam 4,800 yards in an outdoor pool. Above is the "before" shot. I don't have an after, but I did do a pretty good job of softening some of the tan lines.

Triple T Quickie Race Report

This race was very difficult, but it was so much fun doing it as a team. Team Crackheads rocked the course IN STYLE! One of the pink things I bought for our team was the streamers you see on our race belts--the photos are from the finish of the 1/2 Ironman on Sunday. Cindy and I both have race belts with the spring toggles, so I was able to attach bicycle-handle streamers (that I got at Target) to them, and we wore them Saturday and Sunday during our runs. The streamers were a HUGE hit with the racers and spectators. We were definitely hard to miss!

Cindy and I won our division handily, even though there was only one other team in it. It was pretty close through Saturday afternoon, but I had a strong feeling we would prevail on Sunday, which we did.

Cindy is a bit stronger than me in short course, but I am the endurance queen, and I think I paced us well on Sunday. It was the slowest 1/2 Ironman I've ever done (7:33, I think), but the most satisfying and HARDEST. I mean, WOW, is all I can say!

A full race report will take me days if not over a week to write, but I will. I felt really, REALLY strong and well-prepared for this. I think I could have gone faster, but this was a team effort, and that's the way we did it. I didn't mind waiting a minute here, a few minutes there--it wasn't like we were racing, anyway--my primary objective was to not be DFL overall and to not be doing a death march on Sunday.

I gotta say all that Colorado trail running I did paid off in SPADES, as our run course was 3.25 miles pretty much up (click the race link on my sidebar to see a profile, I mean WOW) and then down, repeat twice for the 1/2 Ironman. Sure we did some walking, but it was on Sunday where we were able to pick off a lot of people on the run.

The folks I travelled with all did great, too. Lori and Marc took first in the Coed division, and Kevin bested his time from 2 years ago.

This race is the most mellow triathlon event you can imagine, and small, and just tons of fun. I had SO much fun riding LGL on the hills, I can't even tell you. Even when we were climbing, climbing, climbing, I was happy to be on her, and the descents were just fun. I really just enjoyed riding my bike this weekend. I wouldn't mind going to the area for a week of training--it is an excellent venue, with a 25-meter pool at the lodge, a lake for open water swimming, and obviously, gobs of hills to ride and run on.

I swam well, biked well and ran well, and I hope this "race" makes Ironman Lake Placid seem like a piece of cake. I want to do Triple T again next year, again as a team. It gives a whole new perspective to pushing one another, and I think my biking will be improved after spending over a week in late Feb./early March riding the Tour of California.

As tired as I am right now (got home late last night and couldn't stay asleep due to hunger), I can say nothing but great things about this race. I hope they don't make it any bigger (don't think they can in order to accommodate everyone for lodging purposes) or any flatter. And as much as Cindy and I had to dig deep (I never once felt like I was suffering), we had just a TON of fun together. It's been awhile since we've raced together, and doing it side by side almost all day for 2 days and change was just the best.

Cindy and I decided that we are prouder of this finish than we are of our Ironman races. It's tough to explain to anyone who hasn't done this race, though. At least an Ironman happens all in one day, and it's not too hard to plan for. For this, I had an entire spreadsheet (yes, people make fun of me for doing that, but hey, they work, so STFU) to note what I needed to wear and put on the bike and carry for the run and eating between races to keep up with my calorie needs. It all worked like a charm, and I think I've converted Cindy over to the old Ultra Violence. For the Saturday runs, I carried Coke for both of us, and Sunday I had my giant, 6-banger Fuel Belt loaded with the old Ultra Violence. It was just the thing to keep us going.

I am babbling now, and I need to decide whether I am going back to sleep now or later. I have no plans for this day off other than to rest and eat and SMILE!

Cindy, you ROCK--I hope we get to enjoy one another's company again in Lake Placid!

Sad Anniversary/Happy Anniversary

Tuesday was the one year anniversary of my Mom's death. It sucks not having a Mom. Physically, she's gone, but all I have to do is look around and she is everywhere. She gave me the freedom to be my crazy, driven, creative self. She understood me even as others couldn't figure me out. She instilled in me a desire to always be creating. She wrote me this poem a few weeks after I finished Ironman Hawaii and had a birthday the same month:

Hurray! Hurray! Hurray!

Have the greatest birthday!

You finished the race

With a smiling face

What more can we proud parents say?

We tracked you along the way

and we're so happy to say

That you did so well

and so what the hell

Celebrate for the whole day!

I have a number of things in my house that Mom made--some ceramics, some crewel work and a paper cutting that's framed in one of my bathrooms. I also have a bunch of phlox in my flower beds from her--curiously enough, they seem to have taken over, but how can you treat a plant that self sows so easily and rewards you with sweet smelling pink blossoms year after year as a weed?

I got my love of gardening from my Mom, but she thinks I got it from her Mom. Well, both, actually. Grandma (I never really knew my Dad's Mom, as she passed when I was only 4) could grow anything, and I still remember every time I went over there in the summer, I would quiz her about what each plant was and how to make it grow well. I didn't really start gardening until I met my ex-husband, Ken, and we rented a house that had a weeded-over vegetable garden, that we decided to till and plant vegetables, mostly. But then a neighbor gave me a bunch of zinnia seeds, and my penchant for flowers took off. When Ken and I bought our own house (the one I still live in), it had a few small flower beds, which we immediately expanded, and since my divorce, I probably tripled the amount of flower bed space all by myself.

I've given my plants to other people as well. I always say, "Show up with a shovel and you can take 1/2 of anything you can dig up!" I get to look out of my "office" window into my back yard and watch birds, squirrels, rabbits and bugs doing their thing. Occasionally, I have to go chase a rabbit away from munching my plants or a woodpecker from pecking on my house!

This summer, we get our crop of 17-year periodical cicadas! Turns out I was born in a year when they hatched (1956), so this will be my 4th time to experience them! I bet my Mom was none too happy being pregnant with me during a summer when these things were swarming all over the place. I don't really remember my first 2 times, but I definitely remember the last time they were here. It sounded like being on the runway at O'Hare airport, it was so deafening loud.

But what I'm really looking forward to is running and biking while they're here. If you think you have bugs around you while biking, you should come here in June! These things will be slamming into us people doing our thing outside! Since I didn't run or bike 17 years ago, this should be really entertaining. I am sure everyone will be complaining. Already the newspapers have an article about the bugs almost daily. Some women are freaking out that planned their outdoor weddings while they are here. I think this time I will actually eat one of them, since they are supposed to be quite healthy and tasty. I mean, come on, free food falling from the sky! How often does that happen?

My Mom only had four sightings of the 17-year cicadas in her lifetime. This is my fourth time, and I hope to have at least 2 more!