No Cookies for Old Men

Author's note: Some of the bloggers circled around Circle Jerk at the Square Dance have been engaged in a holiday baking contest. If you have not been involved in the contest or reading the posts, the following is probably not going to make a lot of sense. I apologize for that. In short, this baking contest goes back a couple years, and each year there are boasts, insults, allegations of cheating, sulking, and occasional bursts of goodwill toward the fellow bakers. The links spread throughout may help explain the story. Also, if you haven't seen No Country for Old Men, you may want to watch the trailer first.


On screen:
A FILM BY JOEL AND ETHAN COBAG

On screen:
BASED ON THE BLOG POST BY ADORABLE GIRLFRIEND

In a large, darkened mansion, a pair of fashionable black pumps creep up a flight of stairs. A woman, her face unseen, ascends the wide staircase. She holds a menacing, four-foot tube of cookie dough with a dispenser attached to it. Reaching the top, she enters a bedroom. She comes upon a sleeping man, THE SKIMMER, and wakes him up. The camera pulls back and we see it is BLUE GIRL. She extends a cookie to him.

BLUE GIRL
I need you to call this: yummy or yuck?

SKIMMER
It's one in the morning!

BLUE GIRL
I know. Just call it.

SKIMMER
I need to know what I stand to win.

BLUE GIRL
Everything.

The following words appear on a black screen:
IN A COOKIE CONTEST, YOU CAN BAKE ANYTHING

Inside a log cabin, The Lovely Becky enters, carrying a box. She walks past Brando.

BRANDO
What's in the box, TLB?

TLB
Cookies.

BRANDO
Just cookies?

TLB gives Brando a serious look but says nothing. She takes the large box out of sight.

On screen:
BUT EVERY COOKIE

In a kitchen, JENNIFER and THE UNCANNY CANADIAN look at a mess of crushed boxes and crumbled cookies.

UNCANNY CANADIAN
It's a mess, isn't it, Queen Jennifer?

On screen:
LEAVES A TRAIL OF CRUMBS

JENNIFER
If it ain't a mess, it'll do 'til the mess arrives. (A doorbell rings). Speaking of messes, that must be Kathleen's entry.

In an office, RES PUBLICA sits talking to CHUCKLES.

RES
Are you sure you can win this, Chuckles? Because I can't enter, and that cheater has to be stopped.

CHUCKLES
You leave it to me. But do her cookies really taste that bad?

RES
Compared to what? The bubonic plague?

A series of scenes follow in quick succession:

Blue Girl walks away from a box of shortbread as it explodes.

Blue Girl runs her car over a box that says "Mandos."

Blue Girl wrestles a faceless man in red track suit. As his feet kick wildly on the kitchen floor, we see a pair of egg beaters slowly coming to a stop.

The Uncanny Canadian opens a box and pulls up a red track suit top. It's covered with green cookie dough.

UNCANNY CANDIAN
We got a real loose cannon here. Do you think that TLB has any idea of the sort of baker that's on her?

JENNIFER
She's seen the same things I've seen and it certainly has made an impression on me.

Brando sits on a bus.

BRANDO
Becky, I'm scared.

TLB
Jesus Christ, do I always have to be the one that wears the pants?

Jennifer stands in the Brando/TLB log cabin, which is splattered with green dough.

JENNIFER
It's an all-out war.

In his kitchen, Chuckles sits facing Blue Girl. She raises her dough dispenser to his mouth.

BLUE GIRL
If the recipe you followed brought you to this, what good is the recipe?

TLB stands in her kitchen, covered in flour.

TLB
What is Blue Girl, the ultimate badass baker?

CHUCKLES
You have no idea what she will do to win.

Blue Girl bursts into Res's office, carrying her giant tube of dough. His eyes widen in horror as he sees her dough tube: it reads "Pillsbury."

RES
I knew it!

Blue Girl sits across from Brando. She holds a cookie for him to taste.

BLUE GIRL
Call it.

On screen:
NO COOKIES FOR OLD MEN

DECEMBER 2007