The Cosmic Smiley

I heard about it from Jian Wey. I went out and watch. I laughed.

The Monkey Story

In this troubled time, this is one of the few stories that actually make sense.

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.” The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Thanks to bluez for showing me the light.

Pee Shiver (1)

Something interesting for everyone - pee shiver, piss shiver, or whatever you want to name it.

Let me be the first voter - I chose option 1. Feel free to chip in your two cents in the comment section too! Let's keep this poll open for one week or two, and I shall let you in the good bit later. :D

Dedicated to Jie Ni, my childhood friend :P

Ninja Cat

I am sure many of you would have already seen it somewhere, but for those who haven't seen it, here you go.

Five Years Ago

This happened.



Thank you Alvin.

George Carlin on Airline Safety

George Carlin - Airline Announcements
Uploaded by PigLips

Something else we have in common: flying on the airlines, and listening to the airlines’ announcements, and trying to pretend to ourselves that the language they’re using is really English. Doesn’t seem like it to me.

Whole thing starts when you get to the gate. First announcement: “We would like to begin the boarding process.” Extra word, ‘process,’ not necessary, ‘boarding’ is enough. “We’d like to begin the boarding.” Simple, tells the story. People add extra words when they want things to sound more important than they really are. ‘Boarding process.’ Sounds important. It isn’t. It’s just a bunch of people getting on an airplane.

People like to sound important. Weathermen on television talk about ‘shower activity.’ Sounds more important than ‘showers.’ I even heard one guy on CNN talk about a ‘rain event.’ Swear to God, he said, “Louisiana’s expecting a rain event,” I thought, “Holy shit, I hope I can get tickets to that!”

‘Emergency situation.’ Newspeople like to say, “Police have responded to an emergency situation.” No they haven’t. They’ve responded to an emergency. We know it’s a situation, everything is a situation.

Anyway, as part of this ‘boarding process,’ they say, “We would like to pre-board.” Well, what exactly is that, anyway? What does it mean to ‘pre-board’, you get on before you get on?

That’s another complaint of mine: too much use of this prefix ‘pre-,’ it’s all over the language now, ‘pre-’ this, ‘pre-’ that. “Place the turkey in a pre-heated oven.” That’s ridiculous, there’s only two states an oven can possibly exist in, heated or un-heated! ‘Pre-heated’ is a meaningless fucking term. It’s like ‘pre-recorded,’ “this program was pre-recorded,” well of course it was pre-recorded, when else are you gonna record it, afterwards? That’s the whole purpose of recording, to do it beforehand. Otherwise, it doesn’t really work, does it?

‘Pre-existing,’ ‘pre-planning,’ ‘pre-screening.’ You know what I tell these people? “Pre-suck my genital situation!” And, they seem to understand what I’m talking about.

Anyway, as part of this ‘pre-boarding,’ they say, “We would like to pre-board those passengers traveling with small children.” Well, what about those passengers traveling with large children? Suppose you have a two-year-old with a pituitary disorder? You know, a six-foot infant with an oversized head. The kinda kid you see in the National Enquirer all the time. Actually, with a kid like that I think you’re better off checking him right in with your luggage at the curb, don’t you? Well, they like it under there, it’s dark, they’re used to that.

About this time, someone is telling you to get on the plane, “get on the plane, get on the plane,” I say, “Fuck you, I’m getting in the plane! In the plane! Let Evil Knievel get on the plane, I’ll be in here with you folks in uniform. There seems to be less wind in here!”

They might tell you you’re on a non-stop flight. Well, I don’t think I care for that. No, I insist that my flight stop! Preferably at an airport! It’s those sudden, unscheduled cornfield and housing development stops that seem to interrupt the flow of my day.

Here’s one they just made up: ‘near miss.’ When two planes almost collide, they call it a ‘near miss.’ It’s a near hit! A collision is a near miss! (Crunch) “Look, they nearly missed.” Yes, but not quite!

They might tell you your flight has been delayed because of a ‘change of equipment.’ Broken plane.

They tell me to put my seat back forward. Well I don’t bend that way! If I could put my seat back forward I’d be in porno movies!

Then they mention ‘carry-on luggage.’ The first time I heard ‘carry-on’ I thought they were going to bring a dead deer on board. I thought, “what the hell do they need with that, don’t they have the little TV dinners anymore?” Then I thought, “carry-on, carry-on, there’s going to be a party, people are going to be carrying on on the plane!”

Well, I don’t care for that, I like a serious attitude on the plane, especially on the ‘flight deck’. Which is the latest euphamism for ‘cockpit!’ Can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want to use a lovely word like ‘cockpit,’ can you? Especially with all those stewardess going in and out of it all the time!

There’s one, there’s a word that’s changed: ‘stewardess,’ first it was ‘hostess,’ then ‘stewardess,’ now it’s ‘flight attendant.’ Know what I call ‘em? ‘The lady on the plane.’ Sometimes it’s a man on the plane, now, that’s good, equality, I’m all in favor of that. Sometimes, they actually refer to these people as ‘uniformed crewmembers.’ ‘Uniformed,’ as opposed to that guy sitting next to you in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the ‘Fuck You’ hat — who’s working on his ninth little bottle of Kaluha, I might add!

As soon as they close the door to the aircraft, that’s when they begin the Safety Lecture. I love the Safety Lecture. This is my favorite part of the airplane ride. I listen very carefully to the Safety Lecture, especially that part where they teach us how to use: the seatbelts.

Imagine this, here we are, a plane full of grown human beings, many of us partially educated, and they’re actually taking time out to describe the intricate workings of a belt buckle! “Place the small metal flap into the buckle.” Well, I ask for clarification at that point! “Over here, please, over here, yes, thank you very much. Did I hear you correctly? Did you say, ‘place the small metal flap into the buckle,’ or, ‘place the buckle over and around the small metal flap?’ I’m a simple man, I do not posses an engineering degree, nor am I mechanically inclined. Sorry to have taken up so much of your time, please continue with the wonderful Safety Lecture.”

Seatbelt. High-tech shit!

The Safety Lecture continues. The next thing they do, they tell you to locate your nearest Emergency Exit. I do this immediately. I locate my nearest Emergency Exit, and then I plan my route. You have to plan your route, it’s not always a straight line, is it? Sometimes there’s a really big fat fuck sitting right in front of you. Well, you know you’ll never get over him.

I look around for women and children, midgets and dwarves, cripples, war widows, paralyzed veterans, people with broken legs, anyone who looks like they can’t move too well — the emotionally disturbed come in very handy at a time like this. You might have to go out of your way to find these people, but you’ll get out of the plane a lot goddamn quicker, believe me.

I say, “Let’s see. I’ll go around the fat fuck, step on the widow’s head, push those children out of the way, knock down the paralyzed midget, and get out of the plane where I can help others.” I can be of no help to anyone if I’m lying unconscious in the aisle with some big cocksucker standing on my head. I must get out of the plane, go to a nearby farmhouse, have a Dr. Pepper, and call the police.

The Safety Lecture continues. “In the unlikely event….” This is a very suspect phrase. Especially coming, as it does, from an industry that is willing to lie about arrival and departure times. “In the unlikely event of a sudden change in cabin pressure —” Roof flies off! “— an oxygen mask will drop down in front of you. Place the mask over your face and breathe normally.”

Well, I have no problem with that. I always breathe normally when I’m in a six-hundred mile an hour uncontrolled vertical dive. I also shit normally — right in my pants!

They tell you to adjust your oxygen mask before helping your child with his. I did not need to be told that. In fact, I’m probably going to be too busy screaming to help him at all! This will be a good time for him to learn self-reliance! If he can program his fucking VCR, he can goddamn jolly well learn to adjust an oxygen mask! Fairly simple thing, just a little rubber band around the back is all it is. Not nearly as complicated as, say, for instance, a seatbelt.

The Safety Lecture continues. “In the unlikely event of a water landing….” Well what exactly is a ‘water landing?’ Am I mistaken, or does this sound somewhat similar to crashing into the ocean? “Your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.” Well, imagine that. My seat cushion! Just what I need — to float around the North Atlantic for several days clinging to a pillow full of beer farts!

The flight continues, a little later on toward the end, we hear, “The Captain has turned on the ‘Fasten Seatbelt’ sign.” Well who gives a shit who turned it on? What does that have to do with anything? It’s on, isn’t it? And who made this man a ‘Captain,’ might I ask? Did I sleep through some sort of an armed forces swearing-in ceremony or something? ‘Captain,’ he’s a fucking pilot, and let him be happy with that! If those sight-seeing announcements are any mark of his intellect, he’s lucky to be working at all! “Tell the ‘Captain,’ Air Marshall Carlin says, ‘Go fuck yourself!’”

The next sentence I hear is full of things that piss me off. “Before leaving the aircraft, please check around your immediate seating area for any personal belongings you might have brought on board.”

Well. Let’s start with ‘immediate seating area.’ Seat! It’s a goddamned seat! “Check around your seat!”

“…for any personal belongings….” Well what other kinds of belongings are there besides personal? Public belongings? Do these people honestly think I might be traveling with a fountain I stole from the park?

“…you might have brought on board.” Well, I might have brought my arrowhead collection. I didn’t, so I’m not going to look for it! I’m going to look for things I brought on board! It would seem to enhance the likelihood of my finding something, wouldn’t you say?

Tell me to return my seat back and tray table to their original upright positions? Fine, who’s going to return this guy in the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the ‘Fuck You’ hat to his original upright position?

About this time, they tell you you’ll be landing shortly. That sound to anybody like we’re gonna miss the runway? ‘Final approach’ is not very promising either, is it? ‘Final’ is not a good word to be using on an airplane. Sometimes the pilot will get on, he’ll say, “we’ll be on the ground in fifteen minutes.” Well, that’s a little vague, isn’t it?

Now we’re taxiing in, she says, “Welcome to O’Hare International Airport.” Well how can someone who is just arriving herself possibly welcome me to a place she isn’t even at yet? Doesn’t this violate some fundamental law of physics? We’re only on the ground four seconds, and she’s coming on like the fucking mayor’s wife!

“…where the local time….” Well of course it’s the local time, what did you think we were expecting, the time in Pango-Pango?

“…enjoy your stay in Chicago, or whever your final destination might be.” All destinations are final. That’s what it means, destiny, final. If you haven’t gotten where you’re going, you aren’t there yet!

“The Captain has asked….” More shit from the bogus ‘Captain.’ You know, for someone who’s supposed to be flying an airplane, he’s taking a mighty big interest in what I’m doing back here. “…that you remain seated until he has brought the aircraft to a complete stop.” Not a partial stop — ‘cause during a partial stop, I partially get up.

“Continue to observe the ‘No Smoking’ sign until well inside the terminal.” It’s physically impossible to observe the ‘No Smoking’ sign even if you’re standing just outside the door of the airplane! Much less well inside the terminal! You can’t even see the fucking planes from well inside the terminal!

Which brings me to ‘terminal.’ Another unfortunate word to be used in association with air travel. And they use it all over the airport, don’t they? Somehow, I just can’t get hungry at a place called the ‘Terminal Snack Bar.’ But if you’ve ever eaten there, you know it is an appropriate name.

George Carlin, one of the greatest comedians of all time. Passed away earlier this year. RIP.

p/s: Sorry Jasmine, instead of a photoblog, this is becoming a "random video blog" instead. :P

My Swedish Furniture Name

Get your own here!

(Sorry for being so nonsensical for the last few days. I am bored)

Random

Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Naughty Naughty...

Two of my favourite "naughty" videos. Parental guidance advised. :D

U R...

In Royal Melbourne Hospital, there is this patient registry where every patient is identified with a reference number. The reference number is called the "UR number", which I believe stands for "Unique Registration number".

So one day, I was visiting a ward to look for a patient.

Me: Hi I am looking for Maria Levoski, may I know which bed she is in?

Ward Receptionist: *flip flip flip*

Ward Receptionist: I can't seem to find her now. Let me page the bed manager.

Ward Receptionist: *Open the software for paging and start typing out a query for the bed manager*

Ward Receptionist: You are?

Me: My name is Yang.

Ward Receptionist: No I mean the patient's UR number.

=.="

Image Credit: AP Photo

Britain's Got Talent - Michael Jackson

I just have to share this:

I Will Listen to More News

... if all of them are like this.

Tok tok tok… Pukul 10 malam.
Inilah Berita dari Radio 9 Brickfields

Mula-mula berita penting:

* Amerika utara berjanji mahu membeli 8 buah meriam daripada malaysia tetapi tidak jadi.

* Pasukan Negeri Sembilan telah berjaya memenangi acara bola jaring di Padang Dadah Paroi petang semalam.

Berita seterusnya… err sepenuhnya, mana satu tah:

* Amerika syarikat telah berjaya membeli 8 buah meriam daripada Malaysia yang akan digunakan untuk perhiasan di muzium di Amerika.

Pada mulanya tentera-tentera tidak mahu membeli meriam itu kerana tidak tahu macam mana mahu menggunakannya. Tetapi menurut pegawai muzium di sana, mereka boleh menggunakan meriam itu untuk ambil gambar.

* 24 April, satu kejadian ngeri telah berlaku di sebelah hulu Kedah bahagian hulu dekat kedai basikal sana, satu eksiden telah berlaku di mana sebuah basikal telah melanggar sebuah lori yang berhenti. Plat lori itu patah. Basikal itu pula dilaporkan dalam keadaan teruk di mana lampunya pecah dan bertebaran di atas jalan bertabur-taburan seperti pasir-pasir di tepi laut.

Pemandu basikal itu pula dilaporkan cedera parah di mana dua helai tali perutnya putus dan buah pinggangnya telah hilang. Menurut hospital yang dihantar pada malam itu selepas kejadian tersebut… macam mana dia tulis ni, nanti saya baca balik semula. Menurut hospital di mana rawatan pesakit luar dijalankan… mana pulak kertas… hilang… ha ni dia. banyak sangat la potong ni dia tulis tak betul ni, berita ni. Menurut hospital, pemandu basikal itu berada di dalam keadaan tenat di mana sebelah daripada buah pinggangnya telah hilang. Pihak hospital telahpun mengadakan bedah siasat dan mencabut lapan batang dihadapannya untuk menjamin kesihatan.

* Dan ada satu berita baru dihantarkan kepada saya. Berita ini dikirimkan oleh… argh sapa nama dia, takde di sini, dari Brickfield.

Tiga orang pemuda dijumpai mati terduduk di sebuah kawasan perkuburan. mereka terkejut…

Apa ni tulis ni, tak nampaklah. sekian sahajalah berita pada malam ini sebab saya tak boleh nak baca. tak nampaklah, lampu takde. Assalamualaikum.

Small talk: Sorry for the string of nonsense in my recent posts. I guess I am just a bit stressed up by the impending deadline for my research. :(
Small talk 2: Can someone point out the origin of this clip? It's in my MP3 collection and I don't know where it's from.

You Are Now Friends With...

I have always thought that Facebook uses the weirdest language I have ever seen:

Wee Loon Ong and Yee Pin Tan are now friends.

John Doe is now in a relationship.

You have 10 friends.

It's as if Wee Loon and Yee Pin were not friends before they added each other in Facebook; or they need Facebook's cap mohor to be friends. Facebook also seems to find a need to declare "you are now in a relationship", the same way as a pastor saying "you may now kiss your bride". It doesn't help when Facebook occasionally also announces "John Kay and Cecilia Aniston ended their relationship".

Today, Multiply (another social website) totally trumped Facebook by taking the language to an entirely different level:

Chang Ching Yew has invited you to be his brother.

This is getting more and more ridiculous, one day everyone will be doing this:

Facebook defines relationships. 'Yeah, we would have broken up last night, but the net connection was down.'

Have you had grouses or funny experience with quirks in social websites?

p/s: By the way, my mum hasn't accepted my invitation in Multiply.

Geeks Talk

Some will understand this conversation, some will not, but here goes.

A: What is Internet Explorer?
B:The program you use to DL Firefox.

via Digg.

By the way, if you are interested, get the Internet Explorer 8 Beta. It's available now, and is a better browser than the previous versions. But no matter what, Firefox (and Opera) are still my preferred browsers. For the uninitiated, read my "review" of Firefox here.

What I Did Today

I grabbed an old guy's penis, cleaned the glans ("turtle head" in Chinese), chucked a whole lot of gels up the urethra, then inserted a foot-long rubber tube into it.

After that, I injected a bit of water to fill up the bladder. And when I pulled out the syringe, some fluids sprayed onto my arm.

I hope that it's the water.

Person Small Ghost Big

I can't believe that I missed this advertisement by Petronas for the 50th Merdeka! They are so cute! Does anyone know whether they are together in real life?

Note: Person Small Ghost Big is a literal translation of the Chinese idiom 人小鬼大, which means a kid trying to behave like a grown-up.

Work Together with Three Gears

- via Digg

The Power of Ads

I am quite sure many people have watched this:

Honda Civic's Advertisement 2006 - "This is what a Honda Feels Like"

But I am not too sure about these:

A parody by a phone company 118118.

"This is what my car feels like"

I am quite sure many have seen this awesome ad too:

Cog, one of the most famous Honda Ads of all time.

But I am not too sure about this:

BBC Football's spoof.

Isn't it nice, when jokes just... work? :D

Island State

Read this conversation some where:

A: There is no island state in US.
B: Hawaii?
A: I mean the mainland.

=.=*

Surely You Are Joking, Google Translation

Google launched a translation bot for the Google Talk service. Basically you can just add a translation bot to your chat contact (e.g. en2fr@bot.talk.google.com would provide English -> French translation), and talk to him as with any other friend, and it will provide an instantaneous translation! Read more about this new feature here.

So Eric and I were trying out the English-Chinese translator, and here is the transcript:

me: We can talk in Chinese language
en2zh: 我们可以谈中国语文
me: It's funny
en2zh: 它的搞笑
me: Hahaha
me: Haha
me: It doesn't understand haha.
en2zh: 它不明白haha 。
me: the chinese translation is not too good
en2zh: 中文译本，是不是不太好
Eric: Sland doesn't work
en2zh: 岛屿行不通
me: for example
en2zh: 例如：
Eric: *Slang
en2zh: *俚语
me: read this
en2zh: 阅读这本
Eric: Hahah
me: Are you free tomorrow?
en2zh: 是你的自由，明天呢？
Eric: Let me try
en2zh: 让我试试
Eric: Holy cow!
en2zh: 圣牛！
Eric: Muahahahhahahaha
me: HAHAHAHAHAHA
me: Okay
en2zh: 还好
me: back to study
en2zh: 回到研究
me: back to studying
en2zh: 回到学习
Eric: Must say "go back to learn"
en2zh: 必须说， "回去了解" 。
en2zh: 嗯，不能
me: go back to learn
en2zh: 回去学习
Eric: Oh
en2zh: 哦
Eric: Go back to revise
me: Good luck for your physics!
en2zh: 回去修改
en2zh: 好运，为你的物理！
Eric: You totally made my day!
en2zh: 你完全说了我的一天！
Eric: I love this!
en2zh: 我爱这个！
me: The bad translation made my day too
en2zh: 坏的翻译了我的天太
me: haha
Eric: Esp Holy cow!
en2zh: 电除尘器圣牛！
me: Okay it's getting worse and worse
en2zh: 还好它的每况愈下
Eric: hold stomach big laugh!
en2zh: 持有胃大笑！
me: hey really gtg
en2zh: 嘿真的gtg
me: see ya!
en2zh: 见雅！
Eric: Bye
en2zh: 再见。

Can somebody tell me how in the world "esp" becomes 电除尘器?! 圣牛！

p/s: Happy 400th post in My Little Moments!