Something-something Monday: Five Questions for You

English Wikipedia was blacked out last Wednesday in protest of the pending SOPA legislation. No doubt this prompted some of you socially responsible-type people to read up on the issue, discuss it with colleagues, and perhaps contact your congressional representative.

But that's not me. I spent the day wondering who would answer all of my important questions in a post-wikipedia apocalypse. I thirst for knowledge, and a quick look at my own browser history shows how incredibly enlightened my curiosity is: Which of the Valar created the dwarves? What can I learn about Halloween within 45 seconds that will make my web comment sound intelligent? When did Worf arrive on Deep Space Nine? Is Danica McKellar already married?

These questions, of course, have already been answered (Aulë, a vague reference to Samhain coupled with the implication that I have strong opinions about Pope Gregory III, Season Four, and, sadly, yes).

But as a contingency against future disaster, I've decided to do something of a dry run and test my ability to get answers without Wikipedia. So here's what's on my mind today:


Can you cook an egg in the oven?
Obviously, you can break open an egg and dump its innards into a cake or whatever and cook that in an oven. But what if you want a scrambled egg and, like me, don't have a stove? For that matter, what about a whole egg? Can I wrap one in aluminum foil and stick it in my toaster oven? Is that a stupid question? Was that a stupid question?


Did they wear sunglasses a thousand years ago? Why not?
I know from previous research that some form of magnifying/corrective glasses have been around since at least medieval times (I saw a bespectacled monk or something in a movie), and handheld lenses for even longer.

I'm a night owl-- I work the graveyard shift-- and even indirect sunlight bothers me. Surely the Classical-era peasants who worked overnights to stock Roman grocery stores where of similar disposition, and I can't imagine humanity just got by squinting for thousands of years.

And when you think about it, blocking out a portion of light has to be much easier than refocusing it. It would surely be worth the effort if you were planning to fight a battle in the daytime (which I know-- again, thanks to movies-- was the normal modus operandus, unless there was a fire-breathing dragon involved). I suppose an ancient general could've handed out veils, but then his soldiers would look like escapees from the nearest harem. Not very manly.


Is there something like a Hippocratic Oath for lawyers? Shouldn't there be?
By 'Hippocratic Oath', of course, I do not mean the Hippocratic Oath at all (it says something about helping whomever is in need), but the rule that says "first, do no harm". I don't know what that's called. See where I am without Wikipedia?

At any rate, there should be a #1 rule for lawyers that says "first, tell no lies". Seriously. I'm not advocating that we revoke the tradition of attorney-client privilege and expect them to reveal everything they've discussed. Rather, I want to overturn the paradigm whereby an attorney considers it his ethical duty to serve his client at the expense of right. So if a suspect tells his lawyer, "Yeah, I killed the guy. Help me get away with it", then the lawyer should say, "I recommend you confess; otherwise I'll recuse myself, you'll get a new lawyer, and you'll have to make up lies on your own without coaching."

I'm not under the delusion that all lawyers would comply. But it would be nice to at least acknowledge a professional ethic that doesn't allow them to condone, encourage, or assist with dishonesty.


What's the deal with foul balls?
A good, solid hit-- what the batter is normally attempting-- results in a line drive. Base hit.

A total whiff results in a strike.

If we apply a simple continuum, then a foul ball is the next worst thing (you barely made contact). So why does that earn you more pitches, whereas a pop fly or grounder-- resulting from better execution of the swing-- results in an out? If we played (American) football that way, then a quarterback sack would result in a loss of down with no loss of yardage, and on third down it would result in a replay. Thppp!

I realize this is more in the nature of bitching than asking questions, but sometimes that's how society moves forward. I expect Einstein was bitching about Michelson & Morley's failure to measure the ether when he came up with his clever ideas, and it took some caveman bitching about the cold to spur the invention of fire ("shut up already and stick your hand in this... happy, now?").



Seriously, how difficult is it to run a secure zoo?
Criticizing faulty realism in bad movies is like fitting fish in a barrel. But Jurassic Park is a good movie overall, and this isn't about the obvious science errors. Rather, I question whether or not a large corporation with hundreds of millions to invest, and billions at stake, could possibly fail to keep some lizards under control.

Yeah, animals are tricky. I get that. But it's the little, swarming critters that give humans problems. I'm not going to check Wikipedia (of course), but I've been to zoos, and I've seen plenty of nature shows. If you put a tiger behind steel bars, it will stay there. If you put a grizzly bear in a 20-foot deep concrete pit, it will not jump out. Lizards are much slower and significantly stupider. Have you seen the segment on Komodo Dragons in BBC's Life? Even running loose those things couldn't hurt an alert 10-year-old.

Not that I've verified that with some unwilling test subject. No. That would be wrong. The kid was eleven, and he volunteered.

And my lawyer has advised me that the above statement can be construed as hyperbole, and is therefore not incriminating, and if he knows the real truth he ain't sayin'.


So if you have any answers or clarifications (but no accusations, please), then feel free to share.


Cheers,
Jason

Reading Mondays:

Hola! Welcome to my section of the Burrow virtual space, Chary's Charming Chamber. There is a cappuccino/espresso machine and tea set over to your left. In the center of the chamber, there are chaise lounges, enormous floor pillows, reading chairs with overhead lamps, a window seat with a view of the city and lovely little chocolate treats on the coffee table. Browse through my selection of wonderfully enchanting literature on the back wall library and have a seat. Stay awhile. Perhaps you would prefer one of these works of literature:

Dragon Keeper by Robin Hobb: This is the book that I am currently reading. I have to say that Robin Hobb continues to amaze me. She creates an entire world with complex storylines, diverse characters and rich imagery which transport you to the treacherous forests of the Rain Wilds. This book is fantasy and is part of a series. However, it is the first in its trilogy and not necessary to read the trilogies that come before. For those who love dragons, magic, psychic abiliites, and the capacity to communicate with animals; then this is your book. This is an adult book with adult themes, sexual situations and violence.

"They had come so far, yet now that she was here, the years of journeying were already fading in her mind, giving way to the desperate needs of the present. Sisarqua opened her jaws and bent her neck. The air was too cold and her gills were drying out too quickly. There was nothing she could do about that except to work more swiftly. She scooped her jaws into the immense trough and came up with her mouth full of a slurry of silver-streaked clay and water. She threw her great head back and gulped it down. It was gritty and cold and strangely delicious. Another mouthful, another swallow. And again."
Excerpt, p. 1, The Serpent's End.

The Heroes of Olympus Book One: The Lost Hero by Rick Riordan: In his newest adventure, we are back where it all started, Camp Half-Blood. We revisit old characters like Percy Jackson and Annabeth. However, there is a new generation of demigods with their own prophecy to fulfill in an attempt to save the world.

"Seven half-bloods shall answer the call,
To storm or fire the world must fall.
An oath to keep with a final breath,
And foes bear arms to the Doors of Death."
Excerpt,

This is a children's book for ages 9- 12 (approximately 4th to 7th grade). It is infused in Greek mythology and educational as well as entertaining. It is part of a 5 book series.

Iliad by Homer, translated by Robert Fagles: I find this one to be the best translation. This is an epic poem, which was actually sung to an audience, written in such captivating language, one cannot put the book down. Most know the plot - Love Goddess offended that supermodel status girl is the most beautiful in the world. Goddess places curse on girl. Greek King loses supermodel status girl to Trojan prince. Greek King brings army to Troy to get her back. Most feared warrior fights Kings battle. Warrior is really angry all the time. Greeks and Trojans fight epic battles. Small respite to bury dead. I won't spoil the ending, but will leave you with my favorite quote:

"Rage—Goddess, sing the rage of Peleus’ son Achilles,
murderous, doomed, that cost the Achaeans countless losses,
hurling down to the House of Death so many sturdy souls,
great fighters’ souls, but made their bodies carrion,
feasts for the dogs and birds,
and the will of Zeus was moving toward its end.
Begin, Muse, when the two first broke and clashed,
Agamemnon lord of men and brilliant Achilles.,"
-Excerpt, Book 1, lines 1-8.

This is a classic book suitable for adolescents to adults. There is much violence, love, sex, lies and betrayal. Unfortunately, the Greeks and Trojans did not have digital video, shortening the war to a mere two years instead of ten.

Well, that is just a small sample of the books in my library. Feel free to stay in this gorgeous reading room for as long as you want. Adios!

The first image, The Moroccan Style Reading Room, can be found here.