i kind of suspected

Associated Press Nassau, Bahamas: DNA tests performed on Dannielynn Smith, daughter of late actress/model Anna Nicole Smith, have revealed the child's biological father as American Idol contestant Sanjaya Malakar.

*snort*

i'm as stunned as you are

Maybe I grew living more of a sheltered life than I originally thought. I grew up a Conservative Jew. I went to Hebrew school, I attended temple on a regular basis. Many of my friends were also Jewish. So how come I didn't realize how many Jewish freaks there were in this world until I joined this dating site?!

I'm telling you all this because I really never thought that there would another guy on this dating site to rag on but sure enough, get a load of this wonder...

hello all,

it has been almost a week that i am physically on the mother earth but my mind is with the mighty upstairs. it never happened to me before. does it mean there will be a big change in my life and the new person will evolve with the right mind again?

what are your thoughts about it?


I responded.

ET phone home.

Needless to say, he didn't like my response. *heavy sigh* I guess you can't please everyone.

good news

I received my mammogram results in the mail today.

They were negative. My boobs are fine.

Carry on.

more idiot-isms

Remember when I said that I would no longer post about people from that dating site?

Well, I lied.

So here we are...for another edition of Fucked Up Friday, more intelligent comments and questions posted by that guy...

Do ladies have it in for a man or do they love incestuously type of guys.

Whoa, what the hairy fuck does that mean?! Something tells me that this guy has no clue whatsoever what the word 'incest' means. And even so, NO, I don't want to have sex with a family member you dipshit!

Now keep in mind, that the woman who posted right before him made some joke about incest and he gets his inspiration from other people, yes, even if that means he has no understanding of what they wrote.


Sometimes I do belive that woman fake it . You know what I mean. To get the guy off of her. What do you think

I think that this is probably one of the smarter comments you've ever written in your life.


I went on a date and the woman would not let me pay, what was that all about, I said I will pay, she said I have the hots for you, so use your hots for desert. I was like what, she was blond and so attractive, she said next time cook for me at my place. I was like ok, and I will bring the hots for you there.

I just threw up in my mouth.


What year will you be married. Can anyone guess. I guess I will be in 3 years or so. I just got to get my act together. I wanted to be married now with someone, but I will have to wait.

I'd say you have a lot longer than 3 years to wait 'cause we have to find someone who's as stupid as you. She may have to be deaf, dumb and blind.


WHY ARE WE THE WAY WE ARE. Do you think it is the way we are so expersive. do you think it is the way we dress, the way we smell the way we love. What is it .

I looked high and low for a definition for the word 'expersive' and couldn't find one but if one of you know it, please enlighten me.


WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT A SOUL MATE, WOULDN'T YOU JUST LIKE A LOVER AND A FIGHTER THAN A SOUL MATE, A LOT OF PEOPLE USE THAT WORD IN THERE PROFILE, I AM LOOKING FOR SOUL MATE. WHAT THE HECK IS A SOUL MATE. TRUST ME, I HAVE FOUND LOVE IN VARIETY OF TIMES, JUST NO SOUL MATE, IS THERE A PLACE TO SIGN TO GET MORE SOUL OUT OF LIFE

I'M JUST WONDERING WHY YOU FEEL THE NEED TO WRITE THIS QUESTION IN ALL CAPS AS IF SCREAMING IT WILL MAKE PEOPLE SEE YOU BETTER. YOU'RE AN IDIOT NO MATTER IF YOU WRITE IN CAPS OR NOT.


Why am I always happy. Is it that I got a lot of stuff I should not tell you. Am I a royal pain in the tushy. Or do you wish you could find me and give me a hug. Or do I have some kind of power. Do you find ME amusing, trustworthy, friendly, empathetic. what do you adore.

Let's break this one down... Why are you always so happy? Well, as far as I can see, you're not. See, in 2 seconds or possibly less, you'll tell us you're always depressed and don't tell us you won't because you always do. And frankly, I couldn't care less if you "got a lot of stuff" or not. I wish you'd just leave everyone alone, stuff or not. Are you a royal pain in the tushy? That's putting it mildly. You're a pain in every sense of the word. As for the rest, just SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!!

Again everyone, I'd like to remind you this this is a 32 year old man making these comments.

the morning scare

Scene: A mother is startled by the sound of a door opening in the early-morning hours. She is blinded by a bright light, her bathroom light. She thinks back to the night before when she had turned it off before retiring for the evening.

She calls out to her son. No answer. She calls out to her daughter. No answer. She reluctantly leaves her bed to find out where the noise came from. (insert eerie '80s horror flick movie music here). She grabs a large flashlight. Ya' know, in case she encounters an unwanted house guest and has to clobber he/she/it over the head.

She peers into the bathroom. No one is there. She looks into the hallway. Her daughter's bedroom door is ajar. (No bad jokes about how her bedroom door is a jar.) She looks into her daughter's room. No daughter. Panic sets in.

Where can her daughter be?????

She hears a noise coming from down the long, dark hallway. Of course. The hallway has to be long and dark and there just has to be a noise coming from the end of it. She grips the end of the flashlight harder and proceeds down the hallway, dragging her hand along the wall, letting it guide her way. The only light is coming from the heat lamp of her son's turtle's habitat. She looks over at the turtle and one of the cats has joined the turtle in soaking up the heat from the lamp. "Stupid cat." she thinks to herself.

She comes to the kitchen, then to the powder room. There's a light behind the closed powder room door. As she reaches for the doorknob, the door opens. There stands her daughter, wide-eyed.

D: Hi mom! she says.

Me: Are you okay?

D: Yeah, I had to pee and I didn't want to wake you by flushing the toilet in your bathroom.

Me: Well, that's very considerate of you but you didn't think of turning off the light first.

D: Huh?

Me: You left the light on in my bathroom.

D: Oh, well I needed that to see down the hall.

*blank stare*

Me: My bathroom light is not a hall light. It woke me up.

D: Huh?

Me: Nevermind. Go back to bed.

And back to bed she went. And at 4:56, with 4 minutes before my alarm was to go off, I was wide awake. Can you say "Rrrrrrrrrrr!"?!

a moment in time

I want to take you back in time. Back 2 years to be exact.

It was a cold weekend in NYC, February 2005. I was visiting there to go to a party that was being thrown for people in the chatroom of this dating site I belong to. I know. Gay. Shut up.

I was also going to be losing my virginity. Again. After 3 years of celibacy.

I had connected with this guy from California. We'll call him Morpheus. Okay, that's really his username. Don't ask. Handsome, 6'5 and as he described, "very average".

"Very average" turned out to be a sort of mutation, if you will. Who do you know that stands at 6 feet 5 inches and has a penis under 4 inches in length?!

The reason I'm telling you this is because I'm having a great time on the message boards reading about how this gal has been dating him. She hasn't mentioned any names but for someone like myself who's been with him, it's so damn obvious who she's referring to when she talks about him. So she just mentioned in a post that she has frequent sex and it's damn good.

*blank stare*

She can't be talking about him! I mean, I had sex with him and wished I hadn't! I barely felt anything! In fact, I'm not embarrassed to admit that I had to be a contortionist just so he could put it in!

Alright, TMI. I just had to share it with you.

oh happy day

Today was D day. My lab work and mammogram.

The lab work couldn't have gone any smoother. The technician found a vein no problem and left no mark. I was very worried about that. My bruise from the last lab work just finished healing last Friday, if you can believe that!

I was taken 30 minutes ahead of schedule for my mammogram and now that they've gone digital which means the tar isn't squeezed outta' your ta-tas anymore, I wasn't retrieving them from the floor when they were done.

I was home by 9:30 and eating as I was famished. I'll get to that in a minute.

So I'm at my mammogram appointment and I'm lead into a room to remove my top. The nurse asked me if I used deodorant this morning.

Did I use deodorant?! Um, is the Pope Catholic?!

There are several things I never forget to do before leaving the house every morning...I don't forget to pee, I don't forget to shower, brush my teeth, get dressed (happy now Avalon?!) or forget to put on deodorant. If you've already reached puberty, perspire and don't use deodorant in some form every morning before getting dressed, you're disgusting. Even if I like you and you don't use it, I'll still think you're disgusting.

So I was given a wipe to remove my deodorant so as not to stain their pressure machine. If I wasn't such a courteous person, I would have flipped the nurse off and thrown the wipe in the nearest garbage pail. But I was in a good mood, I wasn't all that hungry given *the circumstances so I used their precious wipe.

*At bedtime last night, my son told me he has was having a hard time sleeping because evertime he laid down, something was backing up his system. Dr. Mom here finally diagnosed him with his very first case of indigestion. Not what a 9 year old should experience especially when they can't express the exact problem. Everytime he laid down, he thought he was going to throw up. I finally gave him some TUMS and had him come to bed in my room.

Because I was getting lab work done done today, I was not permitted to eat after midnight. On most nights, I don't eat past 7:30 in the evening but last night I decided I was going to eat later than usual so that I wouldn't get hungry in case I stayed up later. My son's predicament squashed those plans - I never got a chance to eat. I was, however, permitted to drink water to my heart's content and that seemed to fill me up enough so that I wasn't hungry at all this morning, surprisingly enough. I was very worried that my low blood sugar was gonna' kick into high gear but luckily, it didn't.

My son awoke at 2:30AM to use the bathroom and I took him back to his room at that point. I still didn't get much rest after that and for both of us, the night was pretty restless. Oh and that preventive migraine medicine? I can now take during the day as well because now it keeps me awake! Figures, right?!

Next week, the results. Stay tuned...

life's little questions

I'm the first one to admit that I can be quite the bitch especially when it comes to the whole online dating scene. Talking about these people on my blog, posting their thoughts and photos, saying horrible things about them behind their back without giving them a chance to defend themselves. It's unfair of me and I won't do it again.

After today, that is.

I don't believe it matters how long one can be doing something, in this case online dating, there will always be things that are incomprehensible. Things that will never be figured out and will always remain a mystery. Maybe one of you can solve this mystery for me.

Like why a woman such as this, who appears to be somewhat attractive

would change her primary photo on her dating profile to this.

I honestly found myself saying out loud today as I looked at this photo "Ooo. You are one fugly woman.".

Now if you know this gal, I do apologize. Just ask, and I will remove her photos from my blog. Also, you have my sympathy that you have such an ugly friend.

So does anyone have an answer as to why this woman may have changed her photos from a somewhat attractive photo to a rather barfable one? If so, please let me know and then please hand me the Brillo pad and the bleach this way so I can scrub my eyes out from having to view the second picture.

do you have a twin?

It's said we all have a twin somewhere in the world. I've been told by several people I know out in the Los Angeles area that they've seen me out there. I have visited out there a few times because I have family out there but never at times when these people have claimed to have seen me.

If y'all have ever noticed my Chatterbox over in the sidebar, you'll see a variety of different websites are always being advertised underneath. One such site I saw today is called Findmylookalike.com. This site is for shit. It's dumber than dumb. Basically, you upload your photo and they'll compare your photo to other peoples' photos and people out in cyberland will vote on the two photos to see if the people in the two photos lookalike. There's no rhyme or reason to it, it's just plain stupid. When the photos aren't too dark to view, It's plainly apparent that they're just randomly selected without any real matching going on.

Just to prove it to you, I uploaded my picture and this picture was returned as my twin.

I really hope none of you seriously thought that I would waste my time uploading my picture to that site. And if any of you actually thought that I even remotely resemble the person above, even for those of you who haven't a clue what I look like, then fuck you hard!

In all seriousness though, the following two women were compared...

You see the resemblance, don't you?!

If you guessed that they both have two eyes, a nose and a mouth, you answered correctly.

Twins? I think not.

aw, what the hell

I decided to fuck your feelings and do some bellyaching about my recent "vacation". You can thank me later.

We arrived last Friday to the great news that my sister, having gotten herself stuck in the snow storm that hit the northeast hard that same day, was grounded. To say I was in heaven at hearing the news that the kids would have my parents to themselves for their first 2 days of our vacation would be putting in mildly! Usually when we arrive, my sister descends on my kids like their her prey. Constantly on them like flies to shit, never leaving them alone for very long from the moment we arrive. I suppose my kids don't mind all the attention but to me, it's just plain annoying the way she and my parents carry on about them. Considering my kids are my parents' only grandchildren and my sister doesn't have any children of her own, I let it go for obvious reasons.

My sister arrived on Sunday, my mother volunteering my chauffeuring services to pick her up at the airport as she, my father and son were off to a spring training baseball game. By Monday morning, I was already visualizing murdering her in sticky, icky ways because of something she did.

I may or may not have mentioned before that my parents schedule all their plans far in advance. I use 'far' as in months. Many months, if you want to be particular about it. My sister is the same way and unfortunately, I have no way of avoiding this when making plans with them to see the kids because it's never what fits into our schedule, but what fits into their schedule. So Monday morning at breakfast, I'm barely awake, my sister hands me a well-planned, typed out list of dates that she can schedule for herself to be at my parents' for this coming Christmas holiday. Yes people, 9 months from now. These dates, of course, coincide with my kids' holiday school schedule which is already posted on their school website which, of course, both my father and my sister have bookmarked for their own anal-retentive reasons. What my sister wants me to do, is go to my ex, present him with these dates and find out which dates work best for him so that she can make her plans. Yes, she wants me to do this now.

Okay, I realize that certain occasions like Thanksgiving and Christmas require advance planning especially when you rely on air travel, but 9 months beforehand? Um, I don't think so and there's no fucking way in hell that I'm going to approach him now and expect him to know WTF his schedule looks like then! Pfffftt! As if I really need to give him another reason to roll his eyes at me and my family?!

For the most part, my family behaved. Surprisingly enough, no one triggered a migraine! Not even my son with his excessive whining and trust me, it was pretty excessive. There was one situation with my father though...

Like during one meal where my father criticized my son's table manners and then proceeded to criticize me for criticizing him. Huh?!? The way I see it, you shouldn't criticize someone's imperfections when you too are imperfect. And before any of you jump on my case for saying that, you can just fuck off right there! I never criticize. I just point out facts. Let's use my father as an example...I don't criticize or judge him for sometimes being an asshole, he just is one. See? There's a difference between criticizing someone and just pointing out what's already there.

And then there was my mother...

You see every time we visit my parents, one or both of the kids come down with a cold. This time was no different with my son starting off the week and my daughter ending the week. The second day we were there, we were going out somewhere, my son coughed, not even related to his cold but just because something tickled his throat and my mother exclaimed "What was that!" with a tone in her voice like he had, God forbid, suddenly been diagnosed with some awful ailment and it was the end of the world as we know it. And it's always like that with my mother, the hypochondriac. When I finally admitted to my mother prior to the trip that I was getting medicated for migraines and that I was having a Cat scan taken for my sinuses, I could almost hear her biting her tongue when she asked if it was something more serious, as if she wanted to ask me if I had a brain tumor.

Have you ever really fucked with someone who's a hypochondriac? You should sometime, it's a lot of fun. My mom has finally stopped wearing acrylic nails because she developed a fungus underneath two of her nails. Only she thinks the fungus is in the nail and will grow out but I came to the rescue and told her the truth which is the fungus is some slimy green nasty shit having some party in the nail bed and if she doesn't start taking that oral Lamisil for it, she'll have to have her nails removed. Research it for yourselves if you don't believe me. We've all seen the dancing green boogery-looking men on those toenail fungus commercials, right?

Anyway, I really played it up and made it sound so downright awful that now she thinks she's gonna' die some untimely death all because of some stupid fungus. *snort* I'm such a bad, evil daughter sometimes.

Back to the migraines...I did suffer a few migraines but they were triggered by food. I had stayed away from all the foods I was instructed to take out of my diet but Wednesday night we went to Italian Night at my parents' club and there was no way I was leaving out the Italian meats antipasto and the chocolate cake for dessert. Approximately 30 minutes after arriving home, I could feel one coming on. Not strong enough for me to take anything but in the middle of the night when I awoke and I still had a bit of throbbing I took a pill and it was gone within 10 minutes. During the car ride home, having to deal with the traffic and the assholes on the road, I started feeling the familiar pains about an hour or so from home. Talk about a wonder drug! Took a pill and within in no time, the headache was gone. These pills are expensive but ya' know what?! Who fucking cares!

In a nutshell, my kids, as usual, had a great time and that's what it's all about.

now i understand

Have you ever watched a Space Shuttle landing only to watch the captain descend and kiss the pavement upon returning?

I completely understand what it feels like to return home like that.

I have no intentions of boring you with my usual bellyaching. It's the same old same old and I really just don't see the point of mentioning things many of you have already heard before. Those of you who may be new to my blog who haven't had the joy of experiencing reading the aftermath tales of one my "vacations" from seeing my family aren't missing much. Just think of your own dysfunctional family and you know exactly what I went through. Heh.

Instead I want to express my undying love to each and every one of you for the fantabulous responses you left to my last post. Y'all really know how to get me laughing! You made returning to blogging after being absent for a week that much more enjoyable.

I'll probably be taking the weekend off from blogging and will return to my regular schedule during the week. Ya' know, lots of laundry to wash, things to put away, cat vomit to clean up. Ya' know, the normal stuff.

fucked up thoughts

For your entertainment, folks...more borderline-retarded questions asked by you-know-who on the dating site.

Is it alright to date married women, I have dated a married woman and we fooled around. Does that make me a stud a crazy man or a loser. I mean I never did this before. I am scared. This was a long time ago back in the 90's. What if it happens to me again

What if it happens again?! Well hopefully next time her husband will beat the living crap out of you which will render you incapable of being on the message board and posting stupid threads. As for what it makes you...I'd say a loser but you already are one.


My brother is pissed off at my parents cause they wont buy him a 10,000 dollar engagement ring. Don't you think it he should buy it. This girl is not Jewish. My mother complains that she goes into things, she calls my brother a two letter word like BW a lot and it is annoying. My brother name is Brent Einstein. I mean why do women cost so much. Men are worth nothing

First of all, I don't see why your brother needs an engagement ring. Such rings are for the women. Honestly speaking, your brother sounds just about as stupid as you. And while we're on the subject of your brother, I see how spreading your brother's name across cyberspace really applies to the rest of this thread. I'm sure he'd be pleased to know that you gave out his name, too. Oh, and not all men are worth nothing. Just you.


Shy, why are we shy before we are lovers, Why in bed do we have a hard time placing things. What possesses you to be great lovers? What makes us want to be with the person so bad? How can we be lovers if the x is not right?

You have a hard time 'placing things' in bed? Sounds like a personal problem to me. What is X and what is not right about it?! Why am I asking stupid questions of my own?!??!


Do you think I am worth my writing on these boards or is it a waste of time how I write, I know sometimes I do not make sense, most of you have me on iggy and it hurts, but I can live my life happy knowing I am a stud and have good qualities besides these crazy boards. Why don't you read what I write and say something, I promise to say something in your post. I beg of you to read what I write, I put a lot of hard time in to coming up with it and making it into a topic of discussion. I just love to type. I am a nice guy, you all met me in NYC. Hope one you will see what kind of person I am

You're a stud? You sure had me fooled. I just thought you were some funny-looked shmo who constantly made a fool out of himself but who am I to judge?! Oh and by the way, I haven't been to NYC in 2 years so technically not everyone has met you. However, I still don't comprehend why people meeting you makes you a nice guy. Personally, I think you're all bull honkey doodle talk.

*snickers*

Wanna' read more crazy thoughts? C'mon, you know you do!

the follow-up

So I neglected to give you the news about how my CT went yesterday...

It went fine.

Heh.

Seriously, I got to my appointment early, they took me early, the CT took all of 2 minutes and I was gone approximately 5 minutes before I was supposed to have been seen. How much more painless could it have been?!

For those of you who don't know what the machine looks like, here it is. And please don't ask me who that woman is. This was just a random image I chose off the internet, she was not the technician who handled my CT! The technician who handled my case was some butchy-lookin' thang. Not that butch is bad, I'm just sayin'.

As for the results, this is what a scan of normal sinuses look like and this is a scan of what abnormal sinuses look like. Anyone wanna' guess what mine look like?!

If you guessed abnormal, you would have guessed incorrectly!

I met with my doctor this afternoon and he said that my sinuses looked fine. Which meant that all the times I've treated my sinuses with antibiotics for supposed sinus infections, I've been treating them incorrectly because it's allergy-related. So now I have no other choice but to get the pin-prick allergy test. But have no fear, the test I have to take is not as bad as some of you have told me about - 18 pricks in each arm. The medication will be customized to whatever it is that I'm allergic to; an oral drop that goes under the tongue once/day. I will have to be on it for at least a year (if not a little longer) while my body builds an immunity to it before I can wean myself off of it. I can deal with that!


I've spent a good part of the day pack, pack, packing away for our trip. My kids have been on spring break officially since dismissal from school yesterday afternoon. They spent today hanging out and playing while I worked my tuchas off but then again, isn't that always the way it is for us parents?!

I have one more post scheduled for Fucked Up Friday before having to suffer through blogging withdrawal symptoms for a week. Hopefully, the week will pass quickly. As always, I will make many mental notes and make sure to report back to you if anything special occurs during my "vacation".

Everyone stay cool!

this is good. this is really good

Ever want to fuck someone up and get away with it?!

Ever have the urge to hack onto someone's site, fuck with their heads the way they may have fucked with yours but not known how to do it?!

Now's your chance.

Pick a site, any site, preferably one that hits near and not so dear to your heart. Then go here and destroy it. Any. Way. You. Choose. I especially liked the nuclear bombs and the UFOs. Man, did I create a serious alien invasion! I fucked that bitch's site up and how!

Unfortunately, the destruction is only temporary and it leaves no permanent scars. But at least we can live out our fantasies for a little while, right?!

i'm so happy i answered the phone

Just a short while ago, my doctor's office called...

"I just received an order from Dr. Grant to schedule you for a mammogram."

Say what, bitch?

Uh uh. I've had two of them before and trust me ladies, if you've never had one, I assure you a man created this machine which makes pancakes out of your breasts in about a minute. You'll be picking those babies up off the floor for the rest of the day after experiencing that. If you think your breasts sag now, just wait.

I told the nurse that I wasn't yet 40 and she told me he just wanted to set up a baseline. I told her he could call me back when I was 40 and set me up for a baseline then. I had her laughing but she wasn't budging. So now, here's what my schedule looks like...

March 14 - 10am CT

March 15 - 2:30 meeting with ENT about CT, sure to prescribe meds I will have to take for the rest of my life. Oh yeah, BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH, yo! And all that Shakespearian shit.

March 27th - 8:15 lab work, 9:15 mammogram (Yay me)

April 4th - results of lab work which I'm sure will result in more medication for me to take for the rest of my life

July ? - meeting doctor to discuss how migraine meds are working

Speaking of the migraine meds, Tug, thanks for the great idea about splitting the preventive pill in half only I blame you for the lecture I got from my mother about if a pill isn't marked with a line down the middle it means it can't be cut in half. Of course my pills aren't marked down the middle so I have to take the whole damn freakin' thing at one time of which I'll start doing tomorrow night at bedtime. Still, you're a sweetie for trying to help!

Thankfully, none of that caused me a headache so despite my doing a bad thing and getting ripped a new one by dear, sweet, old mom, I still feel fine. Perhaps that half a pill worked after all?!

migraine brain

I had a very positive meeting with my doctor this morning to discuss my migraines. He put me on a preventive course of medication to try to keep the migraines away and gave me the popular migraine medication, Imitrex, to get rid of the actual migraine headaches.

The only problem is, the preventive medication can make one drowsy. If there's a medication that can make me drowsy it usually works that way with me. I took my first dose today and it totally threw me for a loop. I found myself falling asleep in the carpool line at school and when I felt a migraine coming on (I figured out mine are mostly brought on by stress and certain smells like strong floral scents), I took an Imitrex. When I got home, I slept for an hour and by golly, the Imitrex worked like a dream! But I am still so foggy-headed from the preventive medication and I've been awake now for over 2 hours! Imagine me taking 2 of those preventive pills/day, I'll be a fucking walking zombie! There's no way I'll be able to do it. The upside to this is that it will make for a great sleep medication at night so WOO HOO for that!!

The doctors appointments are far from over. I have a CT on Wednesday and a follow-up with the ENT on Thursday to discuss anything found on the scan. At that time, he will prescribe any preventive medications for my sinuses. I'll be a walking pharmacy! When I return from my trip with the kids, I have to get lab work done with my doctor as it's been too long since I had blood work drawn for things like cholesterol, blood sugar, etc., and then after that, a follow-up with that doctor regarding the blood work and the migraine meds. I have to say that I'm glad I'm taking care of all this, a long time overdue, but what a freakin' pain in the arse!

a good weekend...now back to bu'ness

Did everyone have as good a weekend as I?!

Sunday was pretty much the same as Saturday although I was a bit movied out and only watched two flicks, the remake of The Wicker Man with Nicholas Cage and Little Miss Sunshine.

I did all my laundry, tidied up and organized more for our upcoming trip. And how could I have possibly forgotten to tell y'all that I gave myself both a manicure and a pedicure during my movie-watching on Saturday?! I was very productive and I'm quite pleased with myself.
*pats myself on the back*

So back to the movies...The Wicker Man reminded me of M. Night's The Village only TWM sucked. I was expecting some serious thriller and all I got was a whole lotta' weird. Talk about a disappointment! I guess I shouldn't have expected much from a remake, they're never really that good with changed plots and story lines. And I suppose it doesn't help that every time I see Nicholas Cage, I flashback to the time he was in the movie Valley Girl. I didn't like him then and I don't like him now. Hopefully, I'll get the chance one day to see the 1973 original version.

Little Miss Sunshine was cute. I didn't think it was gut-busting like some people claimed it was but there were definitely some funny moments.

Now it's back to running around like a chicken without a head! I have a doctor's appointment this morning, a routine car service tomorrow to make sure my car is in prime condition for the roadtrip ahead, a CT on Wednesday and hopefully a follow-up to that on Wednesday or Thursday. In between, I believe I'll have a few moments to take a couple breaths of air. My kids begin their spring break at dismissal on Wednesday afternoon and we leave on Friday.

It's back to the grind for me, yo! Have a good one!

i'm an ON DEMAND whore

I'm thoroughly enjoying my weekend.

Not only have I been watching a buttload of movies, but I've also been productive.

See, first thing yesterday morning after I woke up was wrench my back over a pile of laundry. But have no fear, Motrin was here and I was able to tackle all my laundry and start preparing for my upcoming spring break trip next weekend with the kids. My back is a little achy today, but that will not stop me from watching more and more and more movies! (insert heavy drooling here)

First I watched Saw III. If you saw the first two Saw movies, you will LOVE this one as it gives some history behind the first two. If you appreciate gore like I do, you will really dig this movie. More so than those lame-o Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, but I'll get to that in a minute.

Then, to downplay the gore, I needed something a little less icky. I chose the sappy love flick, The Lake House. Nothing special but I like Sandra Bullock and I needed a little eye candy too, so it was well worth it in my opinion.

Then it was back to gore with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning. Ya' know, sometimes people just need to stop with the first movie. I've seen all the TX Chainsaw movies and nothing beats the original from the '70s. Nothing. The only real interesting thing about this movie is that it gives some history on the character, "Leatherface", who he was, how he got his name and why he used a chainsaw. And the one thing that pisses me off is that they continue to make people believe that this was a true story. I was one of those people up until a few years ago when a friend of mine set me straight and told me that these movies are loosely based on Ed Gein, a serial killer who made furniture out of peoples' bones and skin.

Then I happened to find Date Movie on HBO and laughed my ass off. It's a parody on My Big Fat Greek Wedding, Meet the Parents/Meet the Fockers, Shallow Hal, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Wedding Planner, My Best Friend's Wedding, Pretty Woman, The Wedding Crashers and a whole bunch of other movies I know I've missed. Not as funny as the Scary Movie flicks but very entertaining.

Last on the list was The Prestige. It was a toss-up between The Illusionist and The Prestige since both have to do with magic/illusions. In the end, The Prestige won out because, hell, how could I pass up on Hugh Jackman and the love of my life, Christian Bale being in a movie together?! Oh yeah, it had a great ending, too! I may watch The Illusionist today just to put to rest my thoughts of it being similar to Lord of Illusions from back in the mid-'90s.

Boy, would I make a great movie critic or what?! (I can hear Fab saying "or what".)

i can't make this shit up

This is about as fucked up as I can get for today.

I have a feeling some of you really don't believe the stories I tell you about the brain damaged 32 year old guy from the dating site,


so I decided the best way to convince y'all would be to post some of the asinine threads that he creates on the message board. When I'm done, I'm sure you'll despise him as much as I do. Or want to bash your head against the wall for reading his shit. So here it goes...

Does anyone know when love started and why it started such a trend in the world

Hmm...this is a difficult one to answer. I believe love started in 1666 between John Smith and Pochahantas. WTF?!?!?!?


why do all of some post sound so disgusting, I want to heave. This is a dating website, talk about dating, not something ridiculous and out of this world, come on people. Get the ball rolling, get something better than all this no sense talk. I do not want to sound so harsh, just come on

Which is it, 'all' or 'some'?!

This coming from the one who writes the most "no sense" threads on the board and from the one who said in a thread that his spunk was sweet, salty and creamy.


why in the name of god don't people say somehting in my post. I am hurt and ashamed I write in here, I notice the crazyones get away with everything and I don't

You might be wondering why, if he's so ashamed, does he continue to plague the boards with his crap?! This type of thread is one that he posts at least once a week and has done so for the past several months.


I always wondered if I am cute enough to date. Been pretty lame these days. I find that know one wants to become serious with me. Is this because I am not so cute. I wish I was hot like fire, but I feel UN cute. Whats my problem

What's your problem? This might take some time to list all of them.

Months ago, this guy asked people on the board to critique his profile. I wrote to him and told him that he needed new pictures since all he had were ones with his mouth hanging open and/or ones with sunglasses or a hat on. He responded that where I live and where he lives are totally different and that all women think he's cute. Trust me when I tell you, that I've seen some candid shots of this guy, and he's not the least bit cute.


Do you think the outfit you wear on a date will impress a female. Do you think your smell has a lot to do with attraction and the right drink you get and how you express your true self, does this get a rise in attention to women out there hunting for there dream man or is this all bull honkey doodle talk

Yes, I do think your smell has a lot to do with it so next time you're getting ready to go on a date, make sure you take a dump in the middle of your bathroom floor and roll around in it for awhile. I'm sure the woman will be very impressed with your smell. As for the drink, make sure you order a Shirley Temple. Those drinks are cool and the women won't laugh at you at all...trust me.

Bull honkey doodle talk?! C'mon folks, are these the words a normal 32 year old male would use?! I think not!

I'm glad that I made the decision to step away from the boards. Not participating, it's amazing how one is able to see things in a different light. The boards are so drab! The people, so superficial. The threads - *yawn* - a serious bore!

It's hard to imagine that I ever wasted time contributing to these boards! Onto bigger and better things!

I have good news and bad news

The bad news first...

I had my dentist appointment today. The good news is, my 3 teeth that were infected a few weeks ago are fine. The hygienist took an X-ray which showed nothing and during the examination, she tried numerous times to make my gums bleed in that area with no success. So no one is quite sure what was going on with my teeth a few weeks back thankfully, everything seems to be fine now.

About a week ago, I had blood taken to test my thyroid. The bruise caused when the blood was taken is healing although it grew to the size of a tangerine, it's in many shades of purples, blues and pinks and people are scared of me when they see it but I'll be damned if I wear a long-sleeve shirt in 70-some degree weather just to keep from frightening people! Like I've ever cared what other people have thought of me, right?!

Oh yeah...the results of the test are in and my thyroid is fine.

So that was some good news. More bad news is that my kids are still whiny and constantly fighting with each other. More good news, the kids are going to their dad's this weekend and I'm spending my weekend in my pj's, holding up the sofa. I'm. Not. Budging.

Hope everyone is doing well!

you can tell a lot about a person from their online dating profile

Forget the fine details, the essays alone speak volumes about a person.

Like this ugly bitch from the message boards who states in her 'about me' essay that she loves Barry Manilow and Neil Diamond. I hope she's not wondering why she's still single...aside from the fact that she was whacked in the face by every single branch on the ugly tree.

Then there was this guy who viewed my profile. See if you can find the pattern in his essays.

About Me:

You can't go to a fondue restaurant alone. It's illegal. Some obscure health code violation. The cross-ventilation over your shoulder has to be blocked by the body of the person across the table or the mix of atmospheric gases over your table causes the gruyere to spoil. I'm not making this up.

My ideal relationship:

The ideal relationship is like a sack of mixed donuts and eclairs. Sometimes you reach into the bag and you pull out a coconut sprinkle donut and nobody likes those. But sometimes, you reach into the bag and feel your fingers squish ever so slightly into the chocolate frosting atop a Bavarian cream beauty and you just know. It's all going to be okay. The metaphor doesn't work but I skipped lunch today and I'm distracted.

I am looking for a:

I am looking for a woman who goes to cooking shows and bogarts spices from the host while the cameras are rolling. I am looking for a woman who will try to pass a ziploc bag full of flour to a stranger in an airport bathroom, just to see if they'll take it. I am looking for a woman who knows that life is measured in mischief and spray cheese. But I'll tell you what should come in a spray-can: peanut butter. Aren't I right about that? If you agree, then I'm looking for you.

If you guessed that this guy has an apparent attachment to food, you win the million dollar prize. As before, there is no prize and certainly not a million dollars.

I didn't notice until after I read through his essays that this guy describes himself as 'large/broad build". That's short for saying "I base my entire life around food and I'm as fat as a house".

Why do I find someone who talks about food that much so unappealing? Well, I'll tell you...

I grew up being friends with this gal who's father was obese. Eating a meal with them was thoroughly disgusting. It was the best diet out there. Not only would he chew with his mouth open but I was always fearful that one of the buttons on his shirt would pop off and hit me in the eye. It was very unpleasant sitting across from a man who's bulging stomach and psoriasis I could see through his shirt flaps.

Not only that, but all he and his entire family ever talked about during a meal was food. This food and that food, how to make this and that, what spices go well with this, what dessert goes well with that...it was never-ending.

The last time I ate with them, it was at a Chinese restaurant and I once again magically wound up sitting across the table from him. In the middle of the table were those hard noodles and as I went to reach for one, he grabbed the bowl, stuck his entire hand in it and started mixing up the noodles with his fingers. To say I lost my appetite would be putting it mildly. No one else at the table got those noodles and it seemed they were very accepting of his bad table manners. If he were my dad, I would have no qualms about saying something like "Don't you think it would be nice to share with the rest of us, Dad?" or "Dad, salad's looking good for you.".

When I was on Match.com, a guy contacted me and asked me simply to be his dinner partner. He was HUGE! I thought how great to be whined and dined with no strings attached however, I'd probably shrink to a size -10 if I had to eat with someone like that.

Hey listen, I eat just like the next person but I don't need to be traumatized again!

more doctor shit

My CT scan has been scheduled for next Wednesday. Next Thursday I'm scheduled to go back for the results and if any medication needs to be prescribed it can be done then.

Then there's the matter of my migraines. I had to set up a doctor's appointment for that only to find out today that my doctor has split town. No word from her office regarding the departure, nothing. I just called and she was no longer there. Of course none of the other doctors in that practice are accepting new patients. So I had to call around town to find a doctor that could see me before next Friday, which is the day I leave on our trip for spring break. One doctor couldn't see me 'til freaking mid-April! I made an appointment with one doctor for the first week in April just in case I couldn't find anything else but I managed to find a doctor who could see me next Monday which is the best I could do. I didn't feel like spending all day on the damn phone. When I have more time, though, I'm gonna' have to go searching for a different doctor. I can't be at the mercy of a doctor's full schedule, I mean what happens if I'm ill and need to see the doctor and they can't see me for a fucking month?! That's just unacceptable, in my opinion, especially since I could be dead by that point. I know, lovely thought!

So that's the scoop. I know, earth-shattering.

the dreaded doctor's appointment

I had my ENT appointment this morning. I have nothing thrilling to tell you. He was a nice guy, that's about it!

The appointment lasted, maybe 15 minutes. He looked in my ears, everything looked fine. He looked in my throat and gagged me with his big stick (heh), everything looked fine. He looked in my nose...everything looked fine??!??!?!

He said my nasal passages were a little swollen but nothing uncommon for someone who had allergies. No papalomas were present. I told him that my nostrils took "turns" producing air. He said that's normal which I was pretty shocked to hear. I was completely unaware of that and had only noticed that that was happening in the last month. Thirty-eight years, and I'm just finding that out!

The first step that has to be taken before is a CT scan of my face. I was expecting to be sent right over to the adjoining hospital to get the X-ray but unless it's an emergency, they don't do that. So I'm still waiting to hear back about when they can schedule me. I called their office around 4pm today and the nurse still hadn't heard anything so this is going to be a slow, ongoing process that will probably continue past my kids' spring break next week.

So that's it! I hope no one was expecting some fantastic story!

I do want to give a shout out to Atilla the Mom who was very thoughtful and sent me an Email today wishing me good luck on my appointment. She's such a good, sweet Mom, isn't she?!

eye of the tiger

I've changed my name. You can now call me Apollo Creed.

I've been absent from blogging 'til now because my son had his first travel hockey tournament of 2007 this weekend. Luckily, we didn't have to travel far as it was held here this month. My son and his team got completely creamed in every game but then again, all the teams they played against were at national level so they did pretty good considering the circumstances.

My son's team has never played so awful together! They were falling all over the place and couldn't pass or block for shit. They were all pretty pissed after their first game and because I thought their coach was doing a shitty job, I pulled them all together before their second game and had a pep talk with them.

I told them that it's about intimidation. To do what they had to to distract the kids on the other team. I told them during face-offs, they should stare the other player down, even snarl or growl at them if they had to to throw them off a bit.

All the while, I had "Eye of the Tiger" playing on my cell phone to get them in the mood. They were totally into it.

I kept telling them "Eye of the Tiger" and then I'd growl at them and they'd growl back. I had them pumped.

I talked to them about being more aggressive and going after the puck instead of waiting it for them to come to them. I told them a bunch of other shit too, but I don't want this post to be too long!

What I really wanted to tell them was "When in doubt, punch 'em out." because afterall, the best part of hockey is when they drop their gloves and start scrappin'! Of course, I can't encourage kids 10 years and younger to fight. Well, I could but that wouldn't be right.

After their second game started, we renamed our team "The Bad News Bears". As they were stepping onto the rink for the game, first the goalie fell down and all the other kids proceeded to fall on top of him! It was rather comical and us parents couldn't help from laughing at them!

They may not have won anything but I saw some serious growling going on the rink! We nicknamed the smallest kid on the team "The Chihuahua" because he looked like a rabid dog with all the growling he was doing. Unfortunately, my tactics didn't seem to phase the other teams. Frankly, I thought the other teams took the game too seriously. I've always thought of the games as having fun but the other teams they played against each had 4 coaches screaming at them to win. To me, I think that's poor sportsmanship unless you're on a professional team and you're getting paid to beat your opponents' asses. Even the parents of the opposing teams were wearing team T-shirts! It's great to support your team but I think that was a bit over the top. It's a freakin' kids league, people!!

Last night we were all in bed and asleep by 7:30pm! Tonight may be another early night as my son's team had a 6am game and I had to wake them at 4:30! Of course with my wonderful sleep habits, I was up before 3!

I'm going to wind down with my kids now who I think are already napping! Hope y'all had a good weekend!

someone get me an enema

I'm just kidding. I would prefer a Jack Daniels IV drip but given my wonderfully blown and now lumpy vein in my right arm and technicolor rainbow that's formed on my skin, I think I'll just freebase it instead.

I had a rough night with being petrified of the approaching storm which killed people in Alabama and Atlanta when all it did for us most of the night was barely drizzle. Experiencing the wrath of an F4 tornado when I lived in Atlanta in 1998 did something powerful to my mind when it comes to storms. Traumatic to say the least. The first sign of thunder and/or lightening and I start to shake.

We've been under a severe thunderstorm alert since last night and still under a tornado watch 'til later this morning but we're just now getting a heavy downpour and some winds. The sound is pretty much blowing my mind at the moment! I don't know how it is in your parts of the world but here, a heavy duty rainstorm can hit without warning, the skies suddenly opening up dumping massive amounts of rain. Yesterday, my street flooded which is the first time in the 8 years I've lived here. I had to wait for the rain to calm down and the waters to recede before I could get my son to hockey practice.

I stayed dressed last night which is always comfortable and proves for a wonderful night sleep! I certainly wouldn't want to be caught with an ugly nightie on and soiled panties if someone has to pry me away from the concrete slab my house rests on, would you?! I remember the night the tornado hit in Atlanta. I stayed dressed that night too, and stuffed my panties with money and valuables! Honestly, I looked like I had a serious package. Most men would have been jealous upon first glance.

I had our safe closet cleaned out and ready to go, just in case, but I closed it back up just a little while ago when it looked like nothing much was going to happen. I'm now doing laundry of all things and trying desperately to wake up with a little help of my friend, Folgers. Yes, after yesterday's message board fiasco, I still do have at least one friend left!

I'm glad I'm done with the boards. The accusations, assumptions and insinuations have really left me despising these people and even if I were welcomed back, I would have nothing to do with any of them. Most people that I engaged in frequent chats with off the message boards have proven to be too pussy to say anything to me privately and that's fine. It's a blessing in my opinion.

I wrote that older man back yesterday from the dating site, and politely declined his offer to join him while he was here in town. He wrote me back and told me I didn't know what I was missing. Asked me when the last time was that I sat around a bunch of old Navy vets sharing war stories and promised that it would be great fun.

*blank stare*

Yes, I'm truly sorry I'll be missing that event. In fact, I may reconsider as y'all know it's been awhile since I've had a truly decent sleep lately.

Okay, I think I'll go give myself a Puertorican Shower. Have a great day and just remember...farting in a public restroom always sounds louder than it really is.

Oy vey.

a stand - update

I deleted the previous post because I came to my decision soon after I published it that I'm just not wasting my time with this bullshit. After reading through the posts on the board, it is amazing to me the two-faced nature of many of those involved. People whom I'd met before and developed an actually friendship with included. People who've written me and told me how much they like and appreciate me for my honesty revealed their true feelings this evening. I honestly feel like I'm back in high school again and because of that, I refuse to participate in the message board games any longer.

And that's all they are, games. People who are ready to stab each other in the back without blinking an eye. I don't play such juvenile games. Maybe I did when I was 14 years old, but no longer. Life is too short to waste it on people who are only interested in slamming the next person who comes along.

It doesn't surprise me how many showed their true colors. I know that I'm one of the few that acts the same way online as I do in person. I am not fake, I have never pretended to be anything I'm not, I have never been devious and done or said anything downright awful behind one's back.

That's it. I told you I would update you when I knew more and this is it. Stick a fork in me, I'm done!

dipshit central - a message board update

Apparently I've really pinched quite a few nerves on the message board! I've become the topic of conversation with people writing about me left and right, even writing personal Emails to each other about what a bitch I am! Amazing how I'm getting personally attacked but it's okay for a dense, half-brained dingbat to post threads about his spunk being salty, sweet and creamy. That's certainly an appropriate topic for a dating and relationship message board, don't you think?!

At some point today, I'm expecting the interrogation to begin, with Emails asking me if I had this guy booted. Like I'm about to trust any of those people and spill my guts! Denial, denial, denial. Who? What? Where am I?! *snickers*

Here's the latest update on the situation as I'm writing this...

He is suspended!
Posted: Today 12:30pm

I am on the phone w/ him now.

He doesn't know why or what happened. He's thinking it's b/c of the person we all think it is.

He wants us to start a petition and/or call CS.

I asked him if he was really upset and he said yes, he was crying and I said seriously and he said yes.

Guys, am I the only one who sees something wrong with a 32 year old "man" crying over being booted from a dating site for his unacceptable behavior?!

You wouldn't believe the number of threads that have been created on this topic alone and he's only been off the site for about an hour! Most of the people who've responded are on a witch hunt. They want my head on a platter and will stop at nothing to get it! I'm SO scared, lemme' tell you! I'm quaking in my New Balance sneakers. Even so, they're still too pussy to come right out and blame me directly.

The thing I don't get is how delusional these people are! Apparently, he's been booted permanently because it was his final warning which means in online dating lingo, he has so many complaints against him, they don't want him on their site anymore. But these people are spewing left and right how he's the most gentle soul on the boards and how he's done nothing wrong. Maybe y'all can figure out how one can have massive amounts of complaints against him yet can do no wrong!!!! Makes no sense to me!!

I will make sure to update you if anything of any interest happens between now and tonight.

don't fuck with karma. it has a way of kicking your ass.

Sometimes I really love myself. More than usual.

Ya'll remember this douche bag? I've blogged about his crap a few times already. His newest schtik is obsessing over a few members, everyday creating threads using their usernames as the titles of said threads. He is obsessed with them, declaring his love for them, gushing over them constantly. He has posted said threads everyday since last weekend. Annoying doesn't even break the ice on this one. While I won't speak for others, I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I have a very bad habit of responding in a nasty manner to his posts. I'm being very honest but it comes across as mean to some. I can't help it - he strikes a nerve and I'm compelled to respond. Most of the time, I don't even respond to him directly, only to others in his posts. This seems to piss him and others off more than if I spoke my mind to him! Go figure!

Today, I had it. I posted a response to someone else's comment and he came back threatening to have me booted from the site. Well, y'all know I don't take kindly to threats. I called the dating site up and told them I wasn't gonna' stand for it anymore. I refused to get threatened by someone who monopolizes the message board and uses it as his own personal journal, writing nonsensical thread after nonsensical thread. While I was talking to this guy, dumbass wrote a post about me. I'm sure you can imagine that didn't go over too well with me or the guy I was speaking to. And ya' know what? The customer service rep. I spoke with completely agreed with me on every point I made. I already knew that there was a long list of complaints against him and that was it, he was suspended from the site and all his recent posts were deleted from the board.

After his posts were deleted, he was able to get one more post in before losing access to the site, entitled "Sorry" and said he was sorry for what he'd done and he wouldn't do it again. One of MANY empty apologies/promises he's made on numerous occasions. The problem is he's stupid, he doesn't even know how he offends people or what he's sorry for. I know they'll reinstate him and once they do, he'll be back posting on the boards about what a bitch I am so I guess I'll just have to keep getting him booted!

And now it seems I've created quite a stir on the message board with all the losers who rally around him to "protect" him starting a thread about him getting booted. Apparently, people know it's me and think I'm trash! And these are people who "pretend" to like me!!! LMAO!!!!!! You just gotta' love the fake people in this world! If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, give it time and everyone will show their true colors!!

Happy March, people!

"you have a beautiful vagina"

I had my annual "gina"cology visit today. My doctor told me everything looked good and that I have a beautiful vagina. If it weren't for her being my friend, I would have been completely disgusted with that comment! Frankly, I'd rather a man tell me that my vagina is beautiful but her telling me will hold me over for now.

She had her nurse draw some blood because she thinks I have a problem with my thyroid. The nurse was able to find a vein no problem but that didn't stop her from blowing it. She told me I wouldn't bruise but I know my body. By the time I got home and removed the bandage, I had a huge black bruise going down my arm. And just when short-sleeve weather has kicked in, now I can walk around again getting stares from people who think I'm an IV drug user.


For those of you who have word verification on your comments section, you suck. Word verification is not working for me today and I cannot post responses on your blogs. FYI, I don't have word verification and I get harassed by spammers once every 6 months. So for all of you who have word verification enabled, you should consider removing it. It really is painless and frankly, it's fucking annoying! I still love you guys, but your word verification sucks worse than having your temperature taken rectally.