A Stitching Time

Happy New Year!

2022-01-01T08:39:00.014-08:00

Hello, dear friends,

Another year over, the new one is starting. Traditionally, it's the time for drawing the line, making conclusions, reviewing results, and making new plans.

I feel 2021 has been a good, productive year for me. In the past year, I ...

Got a promotion at work. I got promoted from Receptionist to Accounting Clerk - quite a change! New responsibilities, new challenges... New and interesting things to do.
Got my citizenship. I am now an American citizen. I can vote! I feel like Pinocchio: "I am a real boy!" (well, girl).
Got my passport. I applied for the US Passport - and received it just before Christmas. I can travel abroad (although with pandemic rules right now it is more hypothetical than real, but - all in good time).

Though the list itself is short - three points, but they are substantial ones. Looking back, I realize that in the past year I have achieved more than the year before, and in the past six years (since my separation and divorce) - more than I have ever achieved in all previous 18 years of my family life/marriage. It is as if to start achieving my goals, I had to first get divorced.

I have been going to school, and in July of 2022 I will have completed my degree. Just one more semester, two classes. My textbooks for the Spring semester are already here, school starts at the end of January. It will be challenging - two classes with the full time job - but it's not the first time I have to do it. At the end of this challenge, another thing will be accomplished, another thing "ticked off" my "to do" list.

Speaking of lists... I am really into them. "To do" lists, schedules, plans - daily, weekly and monthly, and then yearly, and then "lifetime" goals... I break my challenges into smaller bits, and then work on each bit separately. That way, I am not intimidated by the goals I set for myself. Water breaks stone.

With all the work, school and life there is one list I have been completely neglecting - my stitching WIP list... As of a week ago, I did not have even one finish to show for the year. I have been trying to stitch, but mostly I just ended up falling asleep in the chair, with my needle in my hand and my project having maybe fifteen stitches added to it... In December, school vacation started, and with that and the holidays I was able to at least have one finish for the old year - and then the first finish for the New Year.

"Autumn" by gazette94

I finished it on December 30th. Then, encouraged by the result, I started a new project - "Snowmen" by Durene Jones - and here it is! Finished it at 2 am on January 1.

"Snowmen"

Here's to finishes! No matter how small they are. They all count!

Until next time,

A Needful Thing

2021-10-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Today, on my way from the gym, I walked right into a yard sale - and found me a treasure.

It's a beautiful wooden box. I would say it's a jewelry box, except I don't have any jewelry. I paid all of $3 for it to the lady, and when I told her I was looking for something to keep my stitching threads in, she even showed me a very nice needlework chest. Except I remembered how I used to own one of these in the past and could not take it with me when I moved, - it was just too bulky and took up too much space. So, I said no thank you - and took this beautiful - wooden - box. I brought it home, inspected it, cleaned it. When I opened the chest and wiped the inside, I noticed that the bottom had a thin crack across it....nothing serious, for what I wanted to use it, it was perfect.

I looked closer to inspect the chip at the bottom and breathed in its smell. It was fresh - like fresh cut wood planks, the ones I smell when passing by the neighbor's new fence every day on my way to work.

The carved design made me think of Egyptian obelisks and reeds... who knows why.

The iron handles and lock made me think of things locked away and forbidden to children - mothers' and grandmothers' treasures, family keepsakes... The smell of wood, antique cabinets, secretaire desks, old big houses with carved awnings and moulded ceilings - and secrets, secrets locked away from prying eyes of strangers, secrets known only to the "lucky" few, only to those who possessed the right to open the treasure chest, the kind of right that comes with family status.

I bought a craft box for my threads - and acquired with it more than I expected: someone's hidden memories, preserved in a wooden chest.

Now, it holds my threads... but I remember that it was never empty to begin with.

Until next time,

A Puzzling Update

2021-10-09T17:28:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Today, I am showing off my new 3-D puzzle from the Diagon Alley collection. It is freshly put together by me last night.

Quality Quidditch Supplies /Slug& Jiggers

I enjoyed looking at all the details and little "plug-ins," as usual.

I could not quite place it with the other stores right away - it just... had to stay there by itself for a bit and get used to its neighbors.

I still don't know if it looks a bit crooked to me because I was putting it together until 3 am, or because it was designed that way.

Storefront

This is the fourth store puzzle I have from the Diagon Alley/Harry Potter collection. I also have Hagrid's hut (not in the pic, but put together and displayed as well) and The Burrow (still in the box).

Diagon Alley

I decided to rearrange the buildings to fit the new one - and here is the result.

I would love to walk that real street some day. :)

Until next time,

Best Plan Ever...

2021-10-08T14:56:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Once again, after a long pause, I am back -- with just a few updates.

Life has been ~~crazy~~ really busy - with work (I got promoted in July) and school (just two more classes until my degree is finished) in full swing, I barely have time to stitch. That is, officially I do - after work, I sit in my chair and pick up the needle. I make several stitches. Next thing I know - it is two hours later and I am feeling refreshed - after a nap with a needle in my hand and a piece of linen on my lap. I tried to stitch, honest. I even started stitching. I was just too tired to go on.

So, the updates I have are due to me being on vacation this past week. After the initial couple of days of (mostly) sleeping and drinking tea, I looked at my pile of WIPs and decided to make a plan. What a plan it was! I wanted to start - and finish - a new sampler I had just purchased, with a swan and a cute thread ring. I was determined to also complete my "Charles Dickens" by Bothy Threads. Finally, "Mary Mary Needleworker" just HAD to be done! And what about Year at Hawk Run Hollow - I needed to work on that too!

I had a whole week - more than that, eleven days! True, I had a doctor's appointment, and a pile of homework to catch up on, and a couple of friends to see after a long time apart, but - eleven days, completely free!

Here is what I was able to accomplish.

Mary Mary... How long is your skirt?

Here is my "Mary Mary Needleworker", or, as I affectionaly call her sometimes, "the endless orange skirt." I tried to stay focused, but eventually just had to take a break from all this orangy goodness.

Happy Halloween!

I did finish the October square of Hawk Run Hollow - just in time for the festivities! The witch's face was too pale against the fabric, so I decided to add some backstitch. What do you think, should I also get her hair outlined, or would it be too much?

And... that is it. Not much - especially compared to the plan, huh? Oh well. After all, it's just eleven days. I try not to be disappointed.

My cat Crystal has the best attitude about all plans. Her general motto in life is: "Take a nap." Running behind? Take a nap! Can't remember something? Take a nap - and it will come to you. Frustrated about miscounting stitches? Tired of doing homework? Have I mentioned...

Guardian of Diagon Alley

Somewhere along the way, I decided to be more like Crystal and stopped worrying about my plan. Instead, I stitch, drink tea, listen to the book, drink more tea, stitch some more... and take my time to enjoy it.

For what it's worth - I don't have to be back at work until Tuesday, which is still three days away. Who knows, I may still get more done.

Temptations

Until next time,

Stitching Update

2021-06-05T11:19:00.004-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

I am back again, trying to revive this blog of mine. Will it work? I hope so.

Over the past year I have not posted much (anything, really), but I have been stitching and puzzling - when not working or studying. I am trying to finish my second AS degree - in Accounting this time, and I am getting ever so close to the finish line. Right now I am just three classes away from completion.

So, what have I been stitching on? Some time last year I saw this and got curious. The name of the project - "Charles Dickens" - got me interested, as at the time I was also watching the show "Dickensian".

The kit is by Bothy Threads. I have always been curious about their "cut through" projects, but this seemed too interesting and unusual to pass by.

Next - there's "Mary Mary Needleworker" by Lindy Stitches.

Still love the colors - and the details, like the mushrooms and the thread bobbins, but the skirt is starting to get to me. It is just so vast and so orange. I know it will look beautiful once it's done, though.

Finally, I have been doing some puzzling. Here's my favorite as of today - the Zodiac Circle.

I worked on it while listening to "Troubled Blood" by Robert Galbraith. The puzzle completed the book experience.

I hope you read my post until the end and did not get bored. Please leave a comment if you can.

Until next time,

A Grey Ladybug

2021-05-27T21:19:00.001-07:00

The other day, I met a grey ladybug. Actually, she just sort of fell into my hair from the bus shelf. I got so freaked for a second I just swapped her away, and she fell into the bus aisle between the seats. She started crawling towards one side of seats, then rolled and changed direction, until she chose to go in a straight line. The whole time I was really hoping that she would not get squished by one of the passengers. When we reached the end of the trip, I discovered her on the floor, alive and well, maybe slightly disoriented. I bent down in the middle of the aisle, scooped her up and marched us outside.

"Shall we find some grass for you, maybe some flowers?" She was crawling on my hand, grey with dark spots, - an unusual animal. I must have looked really strange to the passersby, standing there, talking to my hand. And then, when I looked away for a moment, just like that, she was gone.

I hope she is OK.

Stitching Updates

2020-09-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Once again, it has been... oh, only just over a month? Never mind then, I can hybernate a bit longer... But I do have some updates to share, so here it goes.

After completing "Thirteen Colonies", I looked around for a new project and discovered myself desperately hooked on samplers. During Nashville Needlework market this year I loved several projects.

"Seeking Refuge" by Scarlett House perfectly describes how I feel about needlework. Cross stitch is my therapy, it's a skill to combat my fears and anxiety about the challenges of the outside world. So - I had to have this pattern. I even got all the threads it called for.

Next was "Heaven and Nature" by Teresa Kogut. This one was a bit more complicated. Several years ago I stitched a commission piece designed by Sandy Orton (I Believe) with words "Let Heaven and Nature Sing." For those who remember, it had a garden theme with angels wearing gardening aprons and with garden shears in the pockets. And now, seeing this same verse on the new sampler, I thought - continuity. Something about it spoke to me, perhaps reminded me of the previous project, - and I got the pattern.

Then, there's the "monster" (because of its size) - "His Eye is on the Sparrow" by Heartstring Samplery. This one - first of the two - interested me because of the way Adam and Eve were designed. I noticed that in many (older) samplers Adam and Eve were pictured in a grotesque, very awkward way. This one makes them look... more human. Not to mention, of course, all the details.

Finally, there's "Consider the Lilies" - another design by Heartsrting Samplery. Once again, Adam and Eve here look very much alive, not doll-like, and the snake looks like he's holding a conversation...

Once I received the patterns, I started on kitting the samplers. Fabric was not a problem at the time, but some of the threads, due to COVID, I could not get. Now I know about substitutions and conversions and details that makes the sampler yours, so to speak, but... Truth be told, until now I often had to substitute threads - simply because I could not afford the ones called for in a pattern(s). So, I do want to know what the "original" version with all the called for threads looks like. I will wait on the (last three) threads to become available, then I will start the sampler.

In the meantime, I signed up for - and completed - "Jesus Wept" sampler by Elisabeth Cooper. It came from The Sassy Jack's Stitchery, and it was in many ways a new experience for me.

I wanted to stitch it, first of all, because it was the first time I was going to work with silk. I learned that silk is a very pleasant material to work with, both soft - and strong. Then, there was something about this design that reminded me of the cave paintings of the ancient times. The birds and the plants, the animals - the way they were designed. It was a very interesting process.

After this project was completed, I moved on to something more colorful. Mary Mary Needleworker from Lindy Stitches caught my eye. Once again, continuity played part in my selection - Old Witch Mary from Lila's Studio and this project definitely have some things in common.

For me, it's got something to do with those mushrooms. I could not resist them in Witch Mary - and now I cannot say no to them in Mary Needleworker. They had to be stitched! Not to mention the thread spools, the shoes, the flowers... and the verse of course. That one is still coming, along with more details.

Until next time,

"Thirteen Colonies" from start to finish

2020-07-29T07:12:00.000-07:00

A Finish!

2019-12-22T17:12:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear friends,
With the year coming to a close, it's about time I have... a finish! Absolutely not Christmas related, but - what does it matter, right? Here it is.

"Old Witch Mary" by Lila's Studio

It was stitched with Gentle Art Sampler threads, and I so enjoyed the colors.. the toadstools were my favorite.

The verse was stitched with two threads over one, and it was a bit challenging. Also, the pattern called for "u" in "poisonous" to be stitched backwards, but the speller in me did not allow it.

Now, with this project finally finished, I ask myself two questions: how should I frame it - and.. what should I stitch next? Once I make up my mind, I will be sure to check in and share my progress here.

Until next time -

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and Happy Stitching to you, my friends!

Merry Christmas...

2019-12-15T22:36:00.000-08:00

Hello, dear friends,

It has been, as always, shamefully long. What have I been up to? Working - of course, can't go without it. Taking a class towards a degree in our local college - online. Working out... Reading... Watching movies.... And, of course, stitching.

School proved to be a bit more stressful than I expected, to the point that, towards the end, I swore to myself that I would not take another class for a while... Things at work got busy, quizzes and homework assignments became due one after another, life changes piled up - I thought I was going to lose it. Then, just like that, the day of the final came, so I got up, dressed up, showed up - and passed it. Now, just a week and a half after the final, I am thinking - hmm, maybe I should take another class in the spring... Perhaps, I am (secretly) a glutton for stress.

In my reading pursuits, I have discovered for myself books by Toni Morrison. I started with "God Bless The Child." It gripped me right away because of the subject - a strained relationship between mother and daughter. The daughter does not want to be in contact with her mother, save for the occasional post card or check, and she has her reasons. The mother, while respecting her daughter's wishes, believes that she has done the best she could, everything she could, for her child, given the situation they were in.

Next, I read "Sula." The novel is about lifelong friendship between two women, - but, once again, it's the portrayal of motherhood in the story that spoke to me. Motherhood is doing what you have to do to keep your children alive, safe, and healthy. This is the job, the responsibility, the purpose of it, and everything else beyond that purpose is non-essential fluff. I could relate to Eva, the mother, when in response to her daughter's question, "Mama, did you ever love us?" answers, "No, not the way you think." The daughter, all grown up, wants to know how come her mother never played with her as a child. Eva answers, "What would I look like leapin' 'round that little room playin' with youngins with three beets to my name?" Taking care of essentials equals love. Providing for your children equals love. Kissing booboos and playing hopscotch is good for a commercial. It has nothing to do with real life, or real love.

Next on my reading list is "Beloved," and I am gathering all my gut strength to read it.

As for my stitching, I have turned it from a job (as was once upon a time) back into a hobby. I stitch what I want, when I want, with... what I want.

"Pilgrim Couple" - The Primitive Hare.

Here is a small Thanksgiving finish - a freebie from The Primitive Hare. I used specialty/variegated threads I had in my stash, and I think it turned out well.

"Behold" by Subversive Cross Stitch

This pattern I have had in my stash for ages, always thinking, "One day..." Well, that day happened to be just a couple of weeks ago. I stitched it while thinking about the class, the test, the final... and it helped. Now, I think I will frame it and put it someplace private, just so I can look at it once a day and remind myself of what's important.

"Old Witch Mary" WIP by Lila's Studio

As you can see, this one is not quite finished. I saw the row of toadstools and simply fell in love. The threads are from Gentle Art sampler (as per pattern key), stitched on 32 ct Blue Moon Linen.

The verse is stitched two over one, and at times I want to pull my hair out... but it's all worth it.

"Year at Hawk Run Hallow" - Carriage House Samplings

Here's another Halloween fragment - from a much larger piece I have been working on for... oh, over a year now. I love the detail in this piece. I keep coming back to it and stitching a little bit at a time... I hope to finish it in the new year.

Oh, I also tried my hand at baking! Quite unexpectedly. Let me tell you, I am no pastry chef, and even when it comes to everyday cooking, I prefer something "quick and easy" to anything remotely complicated. But, a friend shared a Lussekatter recipe, and it looked delicious and at the same time uncomplicated. So... I did it. By my standards, I did great - that is, the smoke alarm did not go off, nothing burned, and I did not get poisoned.

They don't have much sugar, but the raisins and the saffron make up for it... At first when I tasted one, it seemed like just a regular scone, but with every bite it grew on me.

Finally, it looks like I have finally become that crazy cat lady I tried to run away from... Oh well. Crystal does not seem to mind.

Merry Christmas!

Oh Back To School...

2019-08-22T14:50:00.001-07:00

Hello, dear friends,
I am back with exciting news: I am going back to college!
The place I work at has a program that reimburses college students for their approved educational expenses, and my co-workers have been encouraging me to continue on with my schooling, because - education always stays with you, doesn't it? Finally, I learned of the University of La Verne program - several degrees being offered right through our local Hancock College - and made a decision. I am going for my Bachelor's in Business Administration.
Now, in the past, when I posted such announcements, I would always get responses such as, "Congratulations!" and "Go for it!" and "You've got it!" This time, I say it's too early to break out the champagne, so to speak. I am taking it very slow and very seriously - one class at a time. Right now - online, as my job is my first priority. Later, depending on the situation, I may start taking evening classes.
I am also being more pragmatic, - that is (also unlike before) I am not "throwing my all" into the goal of education. I am stating this because when I talked on the phone to my academic adviser, he was very eager to suggest I sign up for everything all at once and "get it out of the way." No, I said. I work full time. I have limits to my time and strength. Education is important, but only if it is congruent with other parts of my life, helps me understand and advance, and does not interfere with my ability to make a living. He seemed a bit bummed and irritated at the end, but.. so what. I got my SEP out of him and signed up for my first class - Algebra - a couple of weeks later.
Algebra... I have spent most of my educational life trying to avoid it. Now, it seems, there is nowhere to escape. I am tackling it, one lesson and one homework assignment at a time. Officially, the class started Monday, but our amazing teacher gave us a two week head start by posting all the materials on the website two weeks early. Tuesday, I went to the Math Center and rented a scientific calculator, and checked the Center's hours. I know I will be coming there for help regularly, so might as well get comfortable.
Speaking of getting comfortable... I learned all over again how good the coffee is at the college cafeteria, and how tasty their muffins are. Every time I get back to school, I re-discover that fact all over again. For years, educational pursuit for me has been associated with hot strong drinks and pastries.

JCS Publications and New Projects

2018-06-24T11:27:00.000-07:00

Good morning, my dear friends,

As you can see, I am trying to get better at posting here: this time, it has only been a month.
My new Just Cross Stitch issue came in the mail Friday - and look what I found there!

JCS August 2018.
Design by Evdokia Nikolaeva

I stitched that (the feeling never seems to get old) and loved it. The picture does not do it justice - I remember how bright and vibrant the colors looked on fabric while I was working on it; it was like looking at the stained glass window in the sun.

A close up picture

While stitching, I could not help thinking of precious stones. When I was a child, one of my favorite books was "The Malachite Box" by Pavel Bazhov - a collection of tales about the Hostess of the Mount and her secret jeweled garden, so intricately carved out of precious stones that any mortal that ever glanced at it would lose interest in anything naturally grown ever again... This bird and her pomegranates might as well have flown out of that garden, I thought while working at it with my needle.

"Peace Angel" by Lesley Teare
JCS February 2018

This gorgeous angel was stitched by me back in... December 2017 (I think?) The whole time I worked on her, I kept calling her "The Autumn Fairy" - the green wings and the flowers suggested it for me... Somehow the doves (the international symbol of peace) did not click in the idea; among all this natural beauty they looked part of the nature set - birds that just happened to be doves.

Close up Picture

Did I like the colors, the flowers, and the butterflies? Definitely. But... look at that armband! It stands out - perfectly. Five French Knots each, two different colors - and it makes everything around it stand out.

The skirt and the doves.

I enjoy looking at the flower detail around the skirt - and the doves, of course. The back stitching gave their wings such detail, I can almost see the feathers.

The waves of the skirt, the curling flower vines, the birds - all these details give the picture the sensation of movement. She is not standing still, she is walking - or, perhaps, dancing? In all her detailed glory, she is still hard at work - on her way... somewhere.

Recently, I have had more time to stitch for myself. The result is - better late than never - a finished "Twelve Days of Christmas."

"Twelve Days of Christmas"
by Plum Street Samplers

Maybe it's the weather and the season, but when I finished it, I could not stop thinking that it is so... red. Was it, perhaps, too much red? But then I thought - this was meant to be a Christmas sampler, it's not its fault that it has taken me three years to finish it. By next Christmas, when it's framed and displayed on the wall, it will look just the right amount of red.

Finally, I have (bravely) decided to start a new project. It will be "A Year at Hawk Run Hallow" by Carriage House Samplings. How long will it take me to get it done, I am not even going to guess. One thing is for sure, though - I am going to thoroughly enjoy it!

Until next time,

Where Have I Been?

2018-05-26T18:02:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Once again, it has been a long time... This time, longer than usual. I bet those of you who still check back here wonder - where is she? Where has she gone?

I have had a lot of changes in my life over the past six months. Back in November, right after my last post here, I started to feel a bit more secure, like my life finally started to stabilize, so I decided to enroll in college. Nothing big, just one class - online, so I could do it on my own schedule. Same day I enrolled, my landlady gave me notice - two months. Two months to find a new place, to pay all the deposits, to move... My sense of stability flew right out of the window, and with it so did all my academic pride. What if I fail the class? What if I get on academic probation? Who cares! I was dealing with real life - and the real problem to be solved was "how not to end up on the street by February."

Rita after her Marimba performance

Frantic online searches, phone calls, appointments to view properties... Several callbacks with "sorry, the place has been rented" and "we'll call you back if anything comes up." Two weeks in, I started to panic: what if there is nothing out there for me? What are my options? What if... - and the endless string of "what ifs" would take over my brain, spinning and swirling were the possibilities of no shelter, no place to stay, and no way out. I was there before - only a year earlier. This time, I tried my best not to think of the "what ifs", but instead make a plan - and follow it. Do a search online - check. Call the places that are renting out - check. Pick up applications - check...Step by step, bullet point by bullet point, I forced myself to focus on what needed to be done - then, at that moment, and delay the "what ifs" torture until as late as possible in the evening - and by then, it was my hope, I would be too tired to think.

Crystal on the quilt

When I say "there was nothing out there," I mean, of course - nothing within my means. There were plenty of rentals, both apartments and houses - for someone who could afford $1600 a month as a starting price (utilities not included). I was looking for something a bit -- less. Roommates were not an option, as I quickly learned, -- my post on Roommates.com about "mother with two teenage daughters looking for a roommate to co-rent a 3-bedroom house" did not get any responses. Reaching out to another mother through the online chatroom (with two smaller children), I thought we could help each other: rent a small house - maybe even a 4-bedroom, - my income plus hers... That's what I thought - until I learned that she actually did not have any income. She did not work, - she had to take care of her two toddlers, living the best she could on public assistance. My heart went out to her - I was that mother once; heck, I was still that mother (I used my EBT card at the store much more often than I did my debit card), - but I could not help her. I needed to help myself.

Two and a half weeks into the search, still with no results, I came upon a property in the center of town - for just the amount I was looking for. True, it was only a one bedroom, but it was a house. I called the property manager and left a message.. which was returned with "sorry, it was already rented. We just took it off the site." Usual assurances that they would call me should anything else come up... Right, thank you. I hope to hear from you soon.
And then I did. Two days after the "sorry" call, the manager called me with news. It's smaller than the one I wanted, it was also only one bedroom, but it's a bit less in price and - well, it just got ready to be shown. A small, old house (a duplex, actually), built in the 50-s... would I be interested to take a look?

Now it's May, and the rose outside my front door is in bloom.

I certainly was interested. We agreed to meet at the address on my next morning off.
When I came to the address, no one was there yet, - I was early. That is the truth of the bus schedules: you are either really early - or really late. So, not to be late, I am usually about 30 minutes early everywhere I go.. I used that time to look around. The small back yard - not much greenery there, but there was a metal shed - storage.. The street was narrow (which I liked), the sun came out - and I saw the neighbors' houses.. I was in the old town - not the fancy part of it with villas and carriage houses - but the working part: small, cozy cottages, trees, gardens - and so much sunlight.. well, at least that day.

Rita
(with the neighborhood in the background).

Then the bells of the local church started ringing - and I was sold. I knew this was a place for me. So, when the agent showed up to open up the house for me and I saw that it was small, it did not discourage me. I liked the kitchen sink, the walk-in closet, and most of all - the light. It was streaming through all the windows. It occurred to me then that I would probably not need to turn on the lamps until the sun was down. Add the central location - five minutes away from the bus station and the library, ten minutes away from college - and I said yes. The paperwork was filled out. The deposit was agreed on.. For the next few days, I had to wait, until I got the news: yes, the owners agreed. The manager also added: "We want to work with you because you have good credit." Instead of saying "really?" I chose to simply say "Thank you." And made a mental note to check my credit when I had the chance.

The field outside my window.

And so we are here - since February. The sun is bright (unless it's cloudy or raining), the church bells ring down the street - although, I still have not figured out what they are ringing about; they ring randomly from one to thirty two bells, approximately every half hour. What time is it? I cannot tell, not by the bells. But - the sound is beautiful, and that is what counts.

P.S. If you have read my current rambling all the way to the end - thank you! Next time, I will be talking about more changes - and cross stitch pieces I have finished (or have been trying to) over the past months. If you are not bored - please stop by again... and leave a comment.
Thank you.

Until next time,

A Bit of Stitching, Reading, and Thinking (Continued).

2017-10-30T18:54:00.000-07:00

Hello again, dear friends,

To continue the topic of stitching that had to be interrupted last time in favor of work...

This past year I stitched a few snowmen - to the point of dreaming of them.

"Snowmen Stocking" - Dimensions kit

Perhaps, I started dreaming about these particular snowmen because they wanted to be finished so badly. I have been trying to finish them for about a year... It was about time.

"Snowmen Banner" by Stoney Creek

These three gentlemen, with their bright colors and a sharp Welcome banner, were a joy to work on - plus, I learned and mastered the Turkey Stitch on them. It's what makes the ruffs of their scarves...

Turkey Stitch - can you see it?

Here's another one...

"Happy Holly Craze" by Stoney Creek

After the snowmen galore - here's something a bit different...

"Greatest Gifts" by Stoney Creek

Finally - two small, but powerful bookmarks...

"Paris" by Stoney Creek

Yes, they do!

Speaking of books - I have been reading a lot. Endlessly, I would say. With access to the audio collection from the public library, I have been able to combine two of my favorite pass times - reading and stitching.
I started with Robert Galbraith's trilogy about PI Strike. Then, I read (re-read?) "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," narrated by Stephen Fry. Then, with Halloween approaching - and "It" in the theaters - I "re-discovered" Stephen King for myself. In the past month, I have read (listened to):
"Finders Keepers"
"The Revival"
"Shawshank Redemption"
"Bag of Bones"
"Quitters, Inc." - and other short stories...

Once again, duties call, and I have to go. To be continued.

Until next time,

A Bit of Stitching, Reading, and Thinking

2017-10-23T00:12:00.000-07:00

Good morning, dear friends,

Once again, it has been a while. What can I say? Life gallops on, with work, projects, books, commitments there isn't much time to sit and write it all down. Day by day, my life seems pretty regular and scheduled, same-old same-old, but when compiled, suddenly I see that a lot has happened.

Let me start with the highlights...

"Pumpkin" by Olesya Novoshilova

My stitching has been published! I received my copy of Just Cross Stitch - and look, there it is, the design I stitched. It is small, but so colorful and detailed. I really enjoyed working on it; the process felt very natural, almost like painting, thanks to the way the designer blended the colors.

Here it is, close up. I was in such a hurry to send it back on time that I forgot to remove the waste knot (easily fixed, thankfully)... Can you spot it on the picture?

There are a few more designs that have been published - mostly online and in pamphlet publications, and it was a thrill to see my work on the leaflets in the stores. There is a special feeling about seeing something you worked on in print, the picture of my stitching showing how it's supposed to look. Knowing - for sure - that I am good at something I love to do.

Here is the new project from Nancy at Victorian Motto Sampler Shoppe that I had the pleasure of working on.

"Flower Seeds" by Nancy Turner

When I think of Nancy's designs, the word "earthy" comes to mind. Stitching her designs always gives me the feeling of slipping into a time loop and visiting the past. The touch and smell of fabric, the softness of the thread, the subtle yet vibrant colors - all adds to the richness of it. Whenever I get to pick up one of her designs, I know it's going to be a beautiful experience.

In the WIP section I have "Stocking Critters" kit from Dimensions.

On top of the Penguin (if you can see him) there will be a bird with a colorful package. A totem pole of sorts (I keep thinking while stitching it). It was a whole lot of white for a while, but now, with more colors around it, it is starting to take shape.

With all the stitching done (and still to be done), I have been listening to stacks (is that word appropriate here?) of audiobooks. From Robert Galbraith's Cormoran Strike trilogy, to Agatha Christie's stories, to Edgar Allan Poe. After watching "It" at the movies, I thought of re-reading Stephen King - and got hooked. Book after book, story after story. I just finished listening to "Bag of Bones," read by Stephen King himself....

But, it is getting late. I will have to write about my thoughts on the read books in my next post. Good night, my friends.

Until next time,

A "Stitch'n'Bitch" Post...

2017-08-19T20:53:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

As always, it has been quite a while since I posted here. That between my daily job, my home business (a.k.a "a second job"), the girls (who are not so child-like any more), and all the "in-between" stuff, the blog seems to fall through the cracks. Sometimes, I sit down to write, but with so many ideas going through my mind - which one do I focus on? Where do I start? Quite often, just thinking about the process makes me realize it's not worth the trouble, and I choose instead to concentrate on stitching.
Stitching, unlike "bitching", yields concrete results, and I see what I have accomplished after each session. Here is something I have been working on the past couple of weeks...

12 Days of Christmas SAL
by Plum Street Samplers

My goose is cooked... My swans are swimming (along with some ugly ducklings)... In fact, the maids are starting to materialize by now - they just need their milking buckets. It has only got me about two years to get here... I am sure it will be finished soon (she said, rolling her eyes)...

I am stitching this project with the home-dyed threads from Nancy Turner's collection, and it is a real pleasure to work with them... Such soft threads - and rich colors...

The Goose...

The Swans...

There are other projects I am working on as well, but - alas - I cannot post pictures of them yet...

Now that the stitching update is complete - on to the "bitching" part. I hope to get this out as precisely and quickly as possible, especially because for me, this particular subject - social isolation - is a recurring topic.

This time, my rant was inspired by the online article in New York Post about some study on single life. "Being single will kill you faster than obesity," it declared bluntly. So, wait, I thought... are they saying that choosing to stay single is, in fact, unhealthy?

First, I took it as yet another thing "they" say we, as individuals, "have been doing wrong", along with eating meat, brushing teeth, washing our face, and raising kids. I take the "expert" suggestions with a grain of salt and a healthy dose of irony, reminding myself that, as long as y methods work for me and my family, the experts can really put their advice where the sun don't shine.

Then, I thought how ironic it was that, in a society that in all its general behavior promotes social isolation, this piece suggests that getting into a relationship - any relationship, as long as you are not "single" - is deemed healthier for me than staying by myself. In the world where on a daily basis people are isolated from each other - by their cars, cell phones, head phones, laptops - and in fact often view a simple conversation as a challenge - here is a piece that encourages each one of us to make a serious choice and "trust" them that it's "healthy" for us - just because they say so. Forget our individual needs, cultural differences, nuances of upbringing - in a word, anything that makes us unique - and follow the herd, do what we are told to, because "they" know better. Sounds awfully familiar - like something from a history lesson.

I do realize that, in essence, the article was just trying to convey a simple and true message - that

loneliness and isolation is not good for anyone, and definitely not for long periods of time. But, it seems they are going about it the wrong way. Come to think of it, all the technology that isolates us from each other on a daily basis was created with a purpose to bring us closer together. Cars were made to help us travel faster, internet and cellphones - to communicate more effectively. But, somehow, as a society, we misused them. On Facebook, I get endless requests to like, share, re-post, and copy to "prove" that I care about suicide prevention, curing cancer, and other numerous causes. As if pressing a few buttons is actually going to help cure illness or prevent someone from committing suicide....

This is not Super Mario Brothers video game, it is real life. It requires real action. Care about a friend? Call them, text, message - and make time to see them, and talk, and listen. It will take longer than pressing a button, but in the end it will do a world of good. Feeling lonely? Get yourself out of the car and take a walk. You'd be surprised how many interesting people I've met ever since I had to rely on my own two feet and public transportation for getting around. Make real connections with real people - and you will learn more about others and about yourself, and in the process, hopefully, chip away at that problem of loneliness and isolation in our society.

If you don't have time for real communication and connection, and do not wish to make time, then... don't. But also, don't spread general prefabricated statements of "caring." Stop overloading the internet with junk. And in the long run, prepare to deal with the consequences.

Until next time,

A Trip to the Movies and Other Pleasures

2017-06-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,
Today is my day off, and, since my girls are on vacation, it also happens to be the first day in a long time that we can spend together... So, we decided to go to the movies - to see "Wonder Woman." (Well, I decided, and they agreed to come, but that is a small detail...)
What a treat that movie was - with the inspiring story, great cast, and even - visual effects. I am not usually one to fall for technologically enhanced explosions, but 3-D views of the Sacred Island that the "Wonder Woman" Diana is from made me feel like was walking right alongside her. I was afraid that the story was going to focus on the romantic relationship (Amazon princess + American "pauper"), but, again, I was pleasantly surprised, for the "love line, " while present, did not overshadow the message of the story, and a healthy dose of humor prevented it from becoming soppy. Well, the message of the story was about love, but the view of it was definitely more realistic than I am used to seeing in the movies: a mother's love for her daughter is often mingled with fear; the love of Diana and Steve is not so much a "hot and passionate affair," but a connection of two people who are both on a mission, are very different from each other, and try to learn about each other as much as possible in a very short time, while also working on their - not quite common - goals. Diana, a woman from a different world, constantly challenges the notions of "our" society about women, leadership, and power. Finally, in her search for the villain, she discovers that evil does not necessarily look it, or, at least, not at all the way she expected. At some point, it even looked like the "hero" and the "villain" could reach an agreement, for all they had was a difference of opinion, really... (I said afterwards that, being a "sucker" for intelligent argument, I would have probably given in... to which my daughter responded, "Mom, it is a good thing for humankind that you are not a Wonder Woman.") Indeed, it is.

In other news... I treated myself to a gift recently. After a little over a year of hard work, my family is with me again; my daughters and I are reunited. During the time apart, I have learned to enjoy the simple things in life and get along without so-called "necessities," such as a car, a computer, or a DVD player. After things started getting to the point that we, as a family, agreed on as "normal," I gave myself a reward... I thought of it as a combination birthday, Christmas, and Mother's Day present....

A Simpson's House Lego set.

The "Open" view of the model - with all the details inside.

It took me about five days to put it together (not counting the breaks in between - for work, stitching, housework and life), and when the time came to connect the garage to the house (yes, it connects, so that the house can "close" and look like a regular two-story box with a garage attachment), something went wrong - and... the walls collapsed on both the garage and the house side. I cried "Nooo!" and left it to sit alone for a few days, commenting that the house turned out to be "not prepared for the earthquake". Then, after calming down sufficiently, on my following day off I sat down and devoted the morning to rebuilding the disaster. It worked - as it should have. But, to save myself the aggravation, I decided to leave the garage detached - and the model open... It is more fun to look at the details anyway rather than stare at the closed "house" box...

Inside the garage. Loved the miniature tools and broom.
The cabinet door opens.

Lisa and Maggie...

Lisa's room has a vanity and a camera...

On the wall, there are pictures of Grandpa and Maggie..

Bart's room has personality, with the poster and the comic book.

Finally, a few little details...

Ned Flanders doing the BBQ..

A mailbox - complete with the letter!
I loved putting it together, along with Lisa's camera, the BBQ pit, and the kitchen cabinets...

How did it end up at Homer's???

Marge with the vacuum cleaner...

I know that to some people it may seem like I am being childish. So many things to take care of, so many serious problems, issues, worries - and here I am, playing with the... dollhouse. To these people, I would say - I have been taking care of things all my adult life, and at times I feel that I need a break. This is simply a self-care kit of sorts. I loved working on it... and that is all that matters.

Until next time,

A Stitching Post

2017-05-25T13:13:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

It looks like, finally, I can share some of the projects I have stitched in the past couple of years. So, beware - this post is picture heavy.

First of all... "The Old Rugged Cross" - perfect for Easter holiday! Oh, wait.. the Easter was a month ago. Oh well... I enjoyed stitching it, and here it is.

The Old Rugged Cross

This project felt like a work of art - all the colors, and the skies looked so realistic, I could almost sense that chill in the air right before the storm. The details of the cross make it look three-dimensional, almost real.

I have taken quite a few pictures of this project, front and back, but these two are my favorites.

Next- quite a different topic: vegetables! This one made pictures of the ordinary vegetables into an art form... It was like re-creating Still Life paintings with needle and thread.

Carrot

While stitching it, I thought it would look good in someone's kitchen - inspiring people to drink carrot juice? The taste of it kept popping up in my mouth all through working on this piece...

Eggplant

With the Eggplant, I loved the colors! Looks like the sun is bathing one side of it... While in real life I find eggplants boring, this one was anything but. Another decoration for someone's kitchen, or perhaps restaurant.

For the final piece - my favorite miniature...

A hedgehog with the mushroom! Don't mind that the mushroom is poisonous - it is a decoration, not food. I could imagine it in a handmade card.

Now, I have been told that all these pieces have been released as kits in Hobby Lobby stores all over the country. Unfortunately, there isn't a store like that anywhere near I live, so I cannot see the "final result." Stitching them was a pleasure, though, so I know those who work on them are going to enjoy the process.

Until next time,

It's the Little Things in Life...

2017-05-22T13:36:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Overcome with a fresh bout of graphomania (typomania, in my case), I decided to write a blog post. Over the past few weeks, a lot of things happened - but, small things, details that made, like puzzle pieces, the whole picture more interesting.
First of all, I re-joined the gym - which means not only paid my dues, but actually went for a workout twice. Working out and swimming in the pool afterwards was a pleasant experience - save for the humbling realization that our group trainer, while pregnant, still could bench press more weight than any of us. I resigned not to feel inadequate about it, but focus instead on the fact that my personal best has improved since last time I was there. (Last time, I walked out of the session after fifteen minutes, fighting back tears).
Mother's Day this year was a pleasant experience - perhaps, partly because I was not sitting around waiting for presents or recognition; instead, I did what I felt I had to do to make the day more enjoyable for myself. Spending some time with my daughters between work (I did have to work on Mother's Day) was a nice bonus... Then, upon coming to work, I found a catered lunch that was served in the break room for all the working mothers - with live roses for each one of us to take home. "Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, " as a good friend of mine says in such situations.
Thank you for reading my ramblings...

Until next time,

Life and Stitching News

2017-05-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

It has been over four months since my last post. Has it really been that long? Time keeps flying by, one week after another, and some days I feel I can barely keep up. What, is it March already? No, wait, it's April... No, wait... make it May!

A lot has happened in this time. My daughters and I are together again, living under the same roof. (The song "Reunited" keeps popping up in my head every time I think of that). The past three months without them have been a glimpse of what life would be "on my own," when they have grown up and started living their own lives. It was a bit empty, a bit scary at first, but in a way also educational and - liberating. Scary - because suddenly I had no one to cook dinner for, nobody to take care of. I felt like a woman out of a job, like I have lost my main purpose. Then, after the initial shock, I thought of the best way to use the free time - and that is when the liberating part came in. I had one of a kind chance to remember who I was before taking on all the roles - before marriages, motherhood, working, earning a living. I got back to basics - reading, listening, writing, and stitching (of course). I learned to like my own company once again - something I had in the beginning, but lost in the process and had to reclaim. In the end, I learned that living on my own is not quite as scary as I imagined; it's different and new, but it also has its advantages. While I am not in a hurry to start living alone, I know now that, when the time comes, I will be all right.

During the time alone, I have done a lot of stitching, but, alas, there are only two projects I can show.
The first one is called "Aquarius" - remember, I started it over a year ago for my daughter? I was able to give it to her for her birthday this year...

Aquarius

The second project I finally finished was the Christmas stocking. This one took some time and effort, and eventually these snowmen started haunting my dreams, giving me nightmares. Perhaps, they wanted to be finished. Or, perhaps, I was feeling guilty for taking such a long time... In any case, I am glad to have completed it finally, and I am pleased with the result.

"Three Snowmen"

In the end, I enjoyed stitching this project a lot. The different thickness of the thread made the snow hills look fuller, and the backstitch outlined the trees and brought the details into sharper focus. I loved finishing it.

There is a lot going on in my life still - as always, it seems - but it is my hope that from now on I will be able to post more regularly. See, now I have a laptop, which means - no more going to the library, I can once again write in here right from home.

Thank you for reading my ramblings.

Until next time,

Christmas Wishes

2016-12-19T10:58:00.002-08:00

Hello, dear friends,

For almost a month now, I have been living at my new place. I like it here: it's clean, simple, and quiet. I have access to all the necessities - such as hot shower, kitchen, and laundry facilities - and there is also internet access, but without a computer, it is not much use to me. I look at it as a hidden blessing: no internet - no distractions... It only took me a week and a half to finish a stitching commission once those distractions were eliminated - and that 's saying something in favor of just working and concentrating on the task at hand.

Work is steady, busy - but not overwhelming, and I am grateful for that. I like working, the feeling of being useful, productive, necessary to the process. I like my time off too, though, it gives me a chance to be productive on my own terms, in my own life: moving along with stitching projects, goals, things to be done...

Some time ago, an acquaintance asked me, "So how does it feel to start over at the age of 38?" I thought, "Start over? I am not starting over, I am moving on." Indeed, starting over would have to mean time rolling back, children back in diapers - in need of a sitter on a daily basis, - and me - yes, younger, but also without all the acquired experience of the past 14 years. It is because of life experience that I do not consider these years wasted, and I would not give it up for the place in a younger age bracket.

Today is my day off from work, and I decided to go to the library and write. Except - I forgot to bring my "Stick" drive, so there is no way to save what I would have written - on anything... Darn you, memory. That's what I get for wanting to try out a new accessory: something crucial is always left behind, in the "old reliable" handbag.

On Friday, my daughter and I went to see "Collateral Beauty." Vera wanted to see it because "Will Smith is awesome" and because of the story. Originally, I voted for "Beasts and Where to Find Them" - to get my "Harry Potter junkie" fix - but "Beauty" in the end was a better choice. In life, when we face the Three Abstractions, we are often too absorbed in the problem to notice when these very Abstractions materialize in front of us and lend a helping hand. When we do notice - and take their advice - life improves... hopefully. In any case, we learn, and, as de Laclos wrote, "education is never a loss."

Christmas is almost here. This year, I am getting my loved ones what they need - and reward myself with the gift of their company. I am looking forward to making the memories, for experiences and memories are the only real things that we possess. In the end, these are the things that make our life richer - and we can take them with us wherever we go. So, this Christmas - and New Year's - I will meet with the people I love. May we come together in the New Year - and may our bond grow stronger with Love and Time, and never be broken - not even in Death.

Until next time,

A Step in the Right Direction

2016-10-24T16:03:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

After all the talking, thinking, crying, doubting, and procrastinating I filed for divorce. I almost automatically want to type in the word "finally" in that sentence, but no, not finally. A step like that requires more than a few weeks consideration, especially when it has been a long relationship (in our case - 13 years). I took my time (almost eight months), but when I was ready, I did it.

Why did I do it? Was it necessary? Could this break have been avoided, repaired, resolved? These are the questions I kept asking myself during these past eight months, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that - yes, it was necessary and no, it could not ever be repaired. Too many things happened. Too much trust has been lost.

How did it happen? Two people don't fall in love and get together with a thought, " I think I will make this person's life miserable for the rest of our lives." We have good intentions, good wishes, "nothing but the best" in mind for our partners - and ourselves. Yet, it did not work out that way.

My husband and I have gone through a lot - enough to have split up any other couple a lot sooner, I believe. Seven years ago, I was attacked by his then adolescent son and had to have surgery on my hands. After physical therapy, psychotherapy, relaxation, meditation and god knows what else - I still have PTSD, - it stays with you, apparently, and gets triggered by stressful situations. Sort of an emotional luggage that you lug around with you forever.

Last year, I was overweight, stressed, anxious, and jobless. It seemed that, no matter what I tried, I could not get a job. Not even part-time. I had no income of my own. I was completely dependent on my husband - financially (he had a job), physically (he had the car and drove it, and I don't), and, it seemed, emotionally. When he was upset, my girls and I were afraid to talk or laugh; when a problem needed to be discussed or resolved, I could not address it without my fearing his reaction: a nervous breakdown, a crying fit, a fainting spell. Family and friends suggested I was patient and understanding, for he had a lot on his plate, he had to deal with so much... I tried to be patient. I excused and explained away many a tantrum: health issues, depression, hard day, stress at work, stress at home... the list went on and on and on. Then, one day my daughter told me, "Mom, when I find the right person to be with, I'm never getting married." -"Why?" I was surprised. The answer that followed, however, positively stunned me. "Well, look at the way you are being treated. I'm never putting up with that!"

I looked at myself... Thirteen years. I was fat. I couldn't get a job. I got stressed out with too many people around. Or no people around. I couldn't breathe in confined spaces - and couldn't walk without falling in open spaces. Every time I tried to raise objections about anything, they got filed away and dismissed without even being heard, - or was it just my perception? I could not stop apologizing for things, - yet, I was not even sure what it was I was apologizing for... To complete the picture, I could not have a decent conversation with my daughters about anything - there seemed to be a barrier between us... I was pathetic.

All these things were true - but they weren't necessarily my husband's fault. I did it to myself, and I had to find a way to get better, to find purpose, to... oh god I did not even know what. All I knew was that- I was unhappy and feeling worthless. I fully accepted that it was my own personal problem, and no one else's, but I did not know what to do. I could not find the source of this misery, this draining feeling that sucked all the life and purpose out of me.

Now, eight - almost nine - months after the separation - I am.. I am. I am! (Drum roll). I don't fully know what "I am" means yet, but I am coming back - slowly, but surely. First, I started to taste food. About a month on my own, I sat down to breakfast (fried eggs, bacon and tea with toast) - and realized it was delicious. That was the first sign that I was going in the right direction. Then - I got a job... lost a job (to a panic attack and over work)... found another job and kept it. In addition, I lost almost forty pounds since last year.

It does not mean, of course, that life has not been difficult. I don't have the financial security I used to have; I have to work - not just when I "feel like it," but when I am scheduled, and sometimes even when I am not; I have to be very careful with money I earn, and still I may end up without a roof over my head within the next month or two. Am I scared? Of course. I am scared, worried, stressed.. but this time, I can do something about it. I am not helpless. Things may get worse before they get better, but they will, eventually, get better - just as long as I don't give up and do the right thing, for myself and for my daughters.

Friends that see me tell me that I look better than ever... Acquaintances I meet mention how I have "changed" and became more "lively." My daughters and I can talk - and finish a conversation, and (alas!) agree on most things without anyone throwing a tantrum.. At the same time, I have had to say "no" more times than I said "yes" to them. Yet, they listen - and understand. I have a feeling that they are learning something from me right now... Perseverance, perhaps. Ability to stay strong in the face of hard times. I can feel that they truly respect me, and that I am earning it with my actions - every day.

I want to finish this rambling post with the words of my favorite movie character Baron Munchausen: "Long live Divorce, for it takes away lies I hate so much!" All right, perhaps its' a bit vague and nutty if you have not seen the whole movie, but those who have would understand me right now...

Thank you for reading this until the end.

Until next time,

Stitching and Reading News

2016-09-26T16:46:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,

Has it been that long since my last post? I swear it was June last week... and not it's already the end of September. Where did the time go? I guess it flew away...

Past few months, I have been working my job, stitching, and reading. (What else, right? )

In stitching news - there is finally a WIP picture I can share with you.

This is to be a stocking - with snowmen, as you can (hopefully) see. Such bright colors, and very interesting shapes and angles. I enjoy this process.

In the reading department - I have finished "Harry Potter and the Cursed Child". What an experience. The plot twists are unexpected, the form (a play) is refreshing, but most important part - this is a book about real issues: issues in parenting, growing up, relationships - and mistakes made while forging them. This is one of those books that make you think and reflect upon your own situation, letting you be your own judge. I enjoyed it - and look forward to re-reading it again soon.

Another book I attempted to read was "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac. I decided to listen to it, rather than read (it was late, and my eyes were tired after work) - and gave up listening after an hour. I just could not grasp what it was about. Names, places, people, diners, more people, names of roads, more diners, and tasty descriptions of apple pie and ice cream... It was like being on the road with the writer - or, rather, taking a road trip in the back seat of the car with your parents when you are a kid: you look out the window at the endless poles, you count the poles and think - once I get to one hundred, we'll have to stop at the rest stop, maybe something interesting will happen then... One hundredth pole passes, and we are still driving. Then, you up it to two hundred, three, four - as many as needed - until, finally, your parents stop. You get out of the car, use the bathroom and look around for some kind of an adventure, some experience - and find... a truck stop with the apple pie and ice cream. There is your adventure. Then, you get back in the car - and get going - again: one, two three, four... one hundred... two hundred... infinity...

Until next time,

Parenting Questions, Trust and Honesty (Attempt at Self-Therapy).

2016-06-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

Hello, dear friends,
Today I have a day off, - a day to relax, think and feel whatever I want, do (almost) what I want, without being rushed.
During the past week, I finished a stitching project and started a new one. (Sorry, no pictures at this time). Went on the "work-home- stuff to do-things to clean- things to stitch" merry-go-around. Today is the day I can get off and reclaim some of myself.

I am sitting here, thinking that I need a strong cup of tea - possibly with milk - and wondering: am I a good parent? My partner of 13 years "dropped" this on me (about our separation), and it stuck: "As for the kids being happy, yeah, they're happy, no more of having rules, mom turned into their best friend, I am sure it will all turn out fine, unless one day you actually make them be responsible for something."

While my first reaction was to consider the source - look who's talking, some example of stellar parenting, look at your own sons etc., etc.... But - it did bring up one question: am I a good parent - or not? How do I know?

In the past four months, I had to say "no" more times than I said "yes" to my daughters, and often they got upset. They are teenagers, and teenagers don't like to hear the word "no." Well, nobody does, really. But adults - hopefully - have the strength and the skills to control their emotions, while teenagers often show you all they've got - all the upset, anger, disappointment - and all the other negative feelings they have had stored, and you get to be the unfortunate recipient of all that garbage - because you said no. Surprisingly, I have had strength enough (sometimes barely) to deal with those tantrums. I was strong and unwavering: "No, you cannot get a new dress. No, there will be no going to any sleepover until after the chores are done, the laundry is put away, the homework is finished..."

Yet, at times I said "yes." Yes, you can walk home with a friend. Yes, you can stay after school for practice. Yes, we can go out to Subway - at the end of the week... And occasionally, I even changed my "no" to a "yes" - because the chores actually got done...

But parenting is not just the list of "yes" and "no" answers, is it? Things could look wonderful and perfect (or near perfect) on the outside, and yet there still would be problems... Just look at Mia from "Californication" : a perfectly well-behaved 16 year old girl, a respectful daughter- who also happens to be... a slut and a manipulator. Yet, her father is blissfully unaware.

I know that my daughters are far from perfect. I am aware that one of them is arrogant, the other could be lazy. But it is up to me to stay alert and to notice when these "bad" qualities rare their heads - and point it out to each one of them as effectively as possible. Does it work? I can only hope. Just like I can only hope that I am doing a decent job at this whole "parenting" thing. In the end, time will tell. Some five, six, or ten years from now, when I look at my daughters, I will get my answer - probably in a single moment. Until then, I will have to wait for that moment as patiently as I can, and do the best job as I can.

One thing I have (I believe) on my side is honesty: I have never knowingly lied to my children. And in return, they don't lie to me. OK, they lie - about things like feeling sick so they can skip school, - but not about the big, important things. (Right now I am thinking - boy I wish that what I am writing is actually true, and not my own delusion). Well, at the very least - I know they trust me with real problems. There have been times when one or the other - or both of them - came to me for advice when they did not know what to do, how to handle things, or "just to talk" (which usually means the problem is bigger than just "what to do" and may require a few cups of tea with cookies - just to start discussing). I think - I believe - this trust between us is the direct result of mutual honesty.

This, of course, does not mean that I am certain of anything, or know what I am doing, or "permanently comfortable" with my decisions or actions. Every decision involves questions, doubts, and often - after making it - the "after"-doubts: did I make this one right? Could I do it better? I try my best to be honest with myself, so that when I do make a mistake, next time - hopefully - I can avoid it.

This brings me to the (hopefully) last topic of this post - trust. Trust is built on honesty like a house built on a foundation. If there is no honesty - there will be no trust. There may be an illusion of it, but the truth eventually comes out, lies get exposed - and the whole house crumbles and falls apart - and then you discover that there is no foundation, - there is no honesty. So, when my partner says, "I know I lied in the past, but trust me, I will not do it again!" - I can't. In fact, I can't even process it. How can you demand that I just build this "house" of trust with no foundation? It's just not possible.

Honesty - with others and with oneself - is the most important quality of them all. Being honest with myself - for me- means knowing what the truth is - and being able to face it, admit it, say it to myself. If I am not honest with myself, how do I even know what is the truth - and what is not? So, when someone says to me, "I lied to myself for the past (x-number of) years, but I want you to trust me, because I am getting better" - I think, "I am glad that you are starting to work on that, but if you have been lying to yourself for so long, how do you even know when you are telling the truth?" In this state of mind (I suspect), one is capable of believing anything: if one believes it, it must be the truth. And if one chooses not to believe it - then poof! - it never even existed. Magic...

Trust is the direct result of honesty. There are people out there that I do not particularly like, but I would trust them with my life - because they have always been honest with me. Then again, there are people I may like very much, but as much as I like them, I know not to trust them - because they lied.

Now that I have typed my brains out, it's time for a cup of tea...

Until next time,

Crocodile Tears

2016-06-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

Wailing away the minutes, the days, the hours,
Crying in rhythm - to your own beat -
Of "no regret";
Asking for help of people and of the Powers -
Stocking your prey,
Checking your traps,
Weaving your net.

Nature is honest. People are blind and stupid.
After the kill, the crocodile has to cry.
Animals know - the beast
Is overcome by neither sadness, nor pain, nor cupid, -
He's digesting his meal.
He does not need help.
Don't even try.

This has just "ran out" of me after about 30 minutes of thinking. It is not finished - I know it could use more work - but I like it, so I decided to show it. I have not been writing much - except for in my diary. This is the second thing I have written since the attack six years ago.

Until next time,