Boring but not a depression post

I was showering earlier and somehow, I remember the same time last year - I was hit with a depression. A very deep one. It was the month that my brand manager left, back to Germany and it felt that a huge burden task and responsibility fell on my shoulder. I was alone at home and looking at the ceiling, in questioning why things happened the way it happened? And the same time two years ago, I probably was asking myself why did I sign up for a job that seem so fragile back then?

Today the me, right now lying on my bed and blogging, I really do not know what I will be doing one year from now. Probably looking for a new job but will that come true? I envision myself to at least try and own a business but that said, I have to say - I am not even sure I can take those risk. Gone were the days where things were a bit more naive and straightforward. It has definitely got to do with ageing, going into work and owning commitments where you have to pay the bank for the next few decades.

So if you really ask me why am I always wondering in the past, I have to admit - I am clueless.

But one things for sure, I am happy that depression is not the first thing on my mind now. I am now tuning my mind and also energy to brace the next 6 months, as I feel - work will top and hopefully not topple.

Some weekend learnings

The weekend ended. It's the first weekend that I spend in JB entirely unplanned, at home and pretty much just recovering from the hectic workdays. I did not entertain any of my friends invitation to go out, I know it is a bit rude to turn friends down but the alone time was crucially needed. Like how one would said, it was well spent. The weekend.

I found a few revelation these two days by just being home bound. That I am really a lazy bummer in the day, especially before 12. I salute people who can just wake up from bed, early wee and start their day fresh! Double salute to those who even make it out to the nearby park for a morning jog. It was definitely months ago when something like this happened. I woke up early and set my day forth with plus points for productivity.   I am not even sure was it the sleeping position, pillow perhaps helped? Or was it the diet the night before, or temperature or Aircond setting? Or was it just luck that night it was a good sleep altogether? 

I also realize how monotonous, boring and routine my life can get. I hardly look out the box these days. I buy the same brand of milk, cereal and even groceries to certain extend. A variety wouldnt kill for sure, but lately life has been pretty much too hectic for a comfort change, or even addition. I looked at the unfinished books gsthering dust, the boxes of LEGO stacking up, the house still in a mess and have yet to receive any facelift or improvement in furnituring! Not to mentioned the studio lighting sitting for months and Project KC which has been also sitting for weeks now. ZERO progrssion i tell you! tsk tsk so dissapointing. For months I have tried shedding a different life but bad habits are indeed hard to kick.

Talking bout kicking habits. I am officially cutting my sugar in take as well as controlling my diet due to my fitness challenger. Don't go too far an idea wth that. It is a personal one, with no string attached except for personal expectation! As many of you may know, my percentage of body fat is ... Sad. With the record of 15% , I am trying to trim it to around 13% in the next month or two without making myself look thin. Means,'I have double job - to lose my fats and to put on some muscles. Not bulking but trying to at least get a nicer more meaty body. So I begin my low carb diet, healthy fat intakes, frequening the gym and running, cutting out the sugary drinks, and not to mention me reducing the intake of oily and iced consumables... Then to top it up w my in-take on Mass Tech, I  hope I can really achieve some

Improvement in my body. Hopefully by Aug...

Ok time to also sleep. This is gotta be the latest. 40 min passed 12am. I bed now before 12 or lucky by 1130pm. So this is the other new habit I hope to instill. Sleeping early. Although sometimes I ended up hungry zzz ...

 

Writer's Block

First things first. Forgive me if I am going to have some minor spelling mistakes or grammatical errors. I  had my best friend visiting yesterday night, called Insomnia and had been up for hours in a workshop earlier monday, squeezing any worthy left of juice from the brain and happened to now just sit in bed, with the laptop and had this urge to blog.

I think I will begin with having the writer's block.

To be honest with you all, I do not think I was ever a good writer to begin with. It was done in the past purely to seek attention from my friends, since back then most university friends kept in touch through viral means. It was blog post for stories, before the existent of whatsapp surface and definitely for someone who doesn't own a facebook account - was a blessing to begin with. I used the blog primarily to keep writing, to keep the brain freeze away and *with a striking roman warrior pose* to enhance my communication writing abilities.

So after the rambling on the top. I hardly write these days. With the confessions of such news, it is only gentleman to admit fault that I have been pretty much lazy and procrastinated on practices that I once deemed as a a fun fit duty. Admirable as I may be to some, I felt that behind close doors in my cozy apartment, I slouch and suck at completing the daily commitment to-do list

Thus here I am - even with only one eye opened since the other is asleep, I pushed myself a little more to get a post up. It may be shorter than my usuals posts, but it is a good start for the month. Or was it mid month already?

...

Milestones Recap

Anyone realise it is June already? And counting down 30 days - it will be half the year had gone by. I was just wondering had anyone actually achieved or completed their new year resolution? I remembered I am not a big fan of resolutions, and this year particularly I did set some milestones for the sake of having some mini accomplishment. To be honest, I kinda forgot them already.

Back in those days when I was in KL, every year is like a challenging year. From starting up a company, run it, earning back the capital investment, then letting it generate passive income, to owning a property, completing my masters degree and launching my career in a corporate world, this year is really like a set back for me. Some had asked me to take it a challenge to rest the mind, soul and body since the past 5 years had just flew by with all the work, stress and routine picked up to achieve my yearly milestones.

The past months, I admit I was really taking a breeze walk at the park. I self diagnosed it as recovery treatment for post syndrome in launcing one of Malaysia's most important landmark for tourism. But when the time flew by, and occasionally when I have time to sit and think - damn I been quite the lazy prick. If an assessment is done on my "milestone targets" (not that I formally set one!), I would probably score a voluntarily separation scheme.

Back to making 2013 a more productive learning year for myself, I set some personal goals which I absolutely think it is a piece of cake to achieve compared to the latter years. Just 5 things.

1. To bring my Japanese language communication skills to the next level. Status : Kinda in progress
2. To learn and master a new social dance. Status : Kinda all over the place with this progress
3. To save, live thrifty and diverse investment for future savings. Status : Kinda in progress
4. To really build my body and regain tone-fit healthy figure. Status : Seem to be in progress for years!
5. To be more environmental friendly and savvy. Status : Definitely. I think?!!?

So with vague and many kinda in progress status - I probably should shoot myself in the foot because if I ever look back 7 months later in december. I am sure most of the status is the same.

Here goes the pessimistic rocket launching to space!

Perhaps if I consider getting attached a milestone, I might had already achieve that?

Disoriented moment

I feel so disoriented today. I am not even sure if today existed. I am talking bout Tuesday the 14th May. Woke up feeling totally under the weather. With a heavy head I dragged myself to work, only to get stuck in a horrible jam. No reason, just slow traffic and stand still at a junction. Upon rushing to meet wawa, we had discussions on how to further improvise points for a proposal, which is not supposedly done by me - or rather by my company. But boss insist, slave have to oblige.

Then it was off to lunch, and crazily rushing over to a client place. We were late of course. The discussion went on and by the time we are done - it was an hour of traffic bumper to bumper. With the rainy weather, a tired mind and adrenaline to rush back to JB office to finish a presentation didn't quite help. The matter of fact that one has to drive 4 hours and to finish a presentation by 10pm immediately upon arrival at the office wasn't a spendid idea. But, one still has to do it

To throw in a consolation price, received some news while whisking my way back south. It was not a neutral call but one that was filled with voice of disappointment. I totally don the situation. There were questions popping. There weren't concrete answers. Then a silence brewed over. Is that all that can be done? I absolutely have no clue but only to present my supporting shoulder and ears. Sad none the less.

Upon arrival, there was the acceleration mode to complete the last task of the day. The task of completing a proposal in a quiet work environment. There was an eerie feeling that resonates with the bug outside the window. The aircond has stopped, only quiet buzzing sounds from the lighting transformer. Alone. Weird. I had a minute of silence just to ask myself, why the hardwork and commitment? Gotten no answer. Continued and send the update 10min before 10pm. An achievement. I congratulate myself and decided to hit the loo before departing home

The grand prize of course was to see my favorite Burberry belt buckle fall onto the ground, with no apparent reason. He decided to just break apart, detaching himself from the leather strap. So there you go, I am just uncannily disoriented. It felt like I was struck by a heavy bolt of bad omens. with a tired mind, and an almost unbreakable temper ... I barely made it home with a comfort heart. Am utterly amazed that I still can post. 

Settling or setting?

It's been some time. Wanted to sit at a cafe to post today but ended up napping for 3 hours in the day. Thanks to the rainy, cold weather this morning. It's the typical Sunday here in Johor, where I did nothing but catch up a lil on cooking, reading and cleaning. Of course, I did a bit of jogging and to pass time, iPad and TV helped. It's like a routine once a month, I will just sit back relax and perform domestic activities like mentioned.

Having time was a little fun too except that I did not manage to work on my song. Lyrics however you put it. Left my Lappie back in KL to be sent for repair (hopefully not too exp) and once I get the machine back - I should be finishing the lyrics soon. Being at this age and with the commitments at hand, I find it more difficult for me to just sit and get inspiration to write

I also plan to restart my part time job of uploading pics to royalty free site for passive income. The photo taking, editing, keywording, uploading and managing entire process is a bit heavy and the efforts required, to develop good commercial generating jncome photos seem to be quite the challenge for me. But I know it's worth the investment for passive future income. I have the lighting whom I believe the effect and all will help. So it's only picking the right date to start... Hopefully soon with some encouragement from my inner suppressed passion for photography ...

Am also seeking to brush up my Japanese. Am kinda desperate to master the language. I believe there is a huge market for the jap speaking professionals especially being Neighbour to Singapore. If I master japanese, means I can command 4 languages in my disposal for communications. Definitely an additional portfolio to my achievement... The only trouble and challenge is picking it up in Johor seems like a difficult task - classes are far, jap speaking friends are scarce and not to mention expensive

Out of all the things I mentioned above, either than different aspect of improvements I want to pick up in different areas, the similarity is that if find everything additional on top of work is difficult and a challenge. I have to admit, I aged. Long gone the days when things are easy and just quick to manage. Gone I must say. Everything these days are hard, losing fat to put on weight, the commitment of working out at the gym, the push to seek better opportunities and advancement, the ability to stay focus, the creative roadblocks frequent the mind and having to often to doubt myself or to be outside the box compliments the orthodox of just finding excuses and procrastinate.

So I guess I better get some things done and motivate myself before I fall into the comfort zone of just aging slowly, and maturing content-fully without improvement

Damn the stress in life.

Accidents are no joke

Driving on the highway has become a normality for me. Living 330km south these days, and having the nature of my job to meet clients at their HQ back in the city - one usually finds a black x-trail cruising (or occasionally speeding) on the highway. It was the usual after hours drive back yesterday and some flashes of thoughts came across my mind while driving. As the radio was blasting with music from my ipod, I asked myself - why do people drive so dangerously. That thought triggered after I saw a car (probably 20 years old) was speeding at 140km/p and above, swaying right and left, doing dangerous cornering and all.

For a short moment I thought, that car is gonna crash and the driver will be safe. Unfortunately for the other road users, some other victim is going be the one who is really hurt.

Then, I saw 3 busses trailing each other at high speed and was trying to overtake each other. Many cars maneuvers for safety. I did as well. As much as I was into dramatic action-packed explosion scenes, having to see busses doing somersault was not part of my wish list

Lastly, cars who trail very near to your bump was the final call. I always have this "naughty" feeling to just jam break and let the car run into you. But after the accident earlier this month, having someone who is driving probably around 60km/p on a normal road, banging into your car was no joke. I was thrown front so hard, so fast, so powerful and backwards, the one second ordeal resulted neckache for days and cars wrecked beyond moving. Thank god for the seat belt, else you can find me somewhere probably still strapped on a sick bed.

With most drivers who is on the extreme right lane at about 110km/p, I rather not have the naughty feeling thinking of the consequences and impact of how probably just a slight in-tact will look like.

Can't help but see car swinging from the extreme right lane to the middle, causing the a car carrying a happy family returning to the city after their awesome vacation outstation immediately trying to avoid the clash, swinging into under a trailer running at the left lane and the feeling of sudden stroke of fear following by the noise of screeching tyre, brakes and honks. The unfolding sound of metals which carry weight of guilt and death can only be the matter of another accident just literally kills me

I know how nasty a simple accident on the road can get from my experience. I recognize the agony and pain one goes through witnessing cries of an post highway accident from my dad's experience. But what I cannot understand is why other drivers cannot feel the same, the responsibility towards others when it comes safety ethics

This post will not make the difference in road safety in Malaysia. That's for sure, as our government and drivers lack the fundamental of social education and ethics. But I shall make that difference in my own family, friends, loved ones and acquaintances by sharing my horrifying accident both from my own and dads to remind them how dangerous roads can be

Talent

Talent. Peculiar I must say. Some has natural abilities to just see right through you. It could be the ability that one was either born with or one that was sharpen from life learning experiences.

Today over a short period at lunch, one pointed out the obvious and had put thoughts into other colleagues of mine. I guess I've never been really really that good with hiding but rather good in story telling. Thus when someone decided to just put the laundry out in the spotlight of the sun, I had no comeback line. I wasn't even sure if I will continue to hide and was very close to reveal a secret, burden over my shoulders

Thus even that said, I had not express the intention to come clean and out yet. Not in the present set of mind and also not in my company. So I delayed the conversation, go into another that has more story value and quickly swap between casual chats and dramatic past stories to avoid going into this topic. A wise woman told me once, fight a war or battle that you can win. Else, why go into a fight????

So I conceal my secret for another day and to be honest, that takes talent...

Sunday @ Feeling Cafe

Ever wonder why people sit at the patio and sip tea? One word, contentment. People who will spend time relaxing and not chase after expectations or set-goals are usually content with what they have. Logically that is why they sort of let time fly by without doing much. Of course, for the moment in time, frozen to catch your own breath.

Speaking of that, I pretty much is doing that for now. Charging up for the weeks to come, after looking at the company marketing plan and boss anti-ergonomic working habit - I am pretty much just lazing around to gather strength in both physical and mental contribution needed for work. Having someone to chill with does help, someone that share the same ideas in life and someone who want to just simply be around without any expectation sort of brush off the same vibe just adds to the bonus of contentment.

I miss this feeling and to have it come back without any expectation is just rocking great. I guess I am ready to recover now, to try and try again. The idea of going to malls have been relit, the idea of choosing which place to eat and hang out has been the hottest topic of conversation, having to have constant reliable 3G connection is crucial and having to make the extra efforts always seen so simple... Crossing fingers I hope we will get to down wheatgrass unexpectedly again. And if possible for years to come. Again, fingers crossed

Today, what I did

Today I walked away. I woke up at 730am today to crying kid from the Neighbour. It wasn't his fault really but the alarm on my phone would have failed and I would have been late to work if it wasn't for the persistent cry baby.

As I rushed to work after the usual zombiefied me, due to late sleep and a strainful last minute brainstorm sharing session the night before - I begin pricking my brain to manage like 3-5 important task before I take the 4 hours drive back to kl for work.

Greeted with some internal work challenges and to rush off to meet my GM for approval, I absolutely missed my 1st priority task. I was awesomely, handsomely and proudly late. Upon half completed job, and some fiercy expression later - I find myself in the need to start my journey to meet a client. It was hell, except that the pain was shortlived as I quickly barged out of office. I hate it, why do we have to be so busy when we are busy!!!

The rain came, car's tyre are not replaced and I had at least the idea of an accident behind my head every 15min through the drive. Stress. 4 hours of non toilet stop or break drive later, I had the meeting w my client on the dot. It was probably the only good thing that happened. Jam back to home was the usual, expected.

So as I was just empty mindlessly wandering to grasp air and some time to digest what's up for tomorrow meeting... Dad had to come up and gently question the selection of Internet provider. On and on he went, asking probing suggesting and expecting answers...

He got it at last when I stood up and walked away. I know it is rude and bad, but my head and ear and neck aches. Give me a break.

Sorry but life's about acting upon something and even if the decision is not the best option or favorite, at least I took the gut and effort. So for that moment, I can't take it and decided to just sleep in my room and blog

And here you go. The typical Thursday report...

Metaphoric CNY 2013 experiences

Many things happened this week. Either than the yearly CNY celebration and visits, I have met the most friends in one week, both new and old ones. Metaphoric speaking, it was like butterflies and spring flowers.

It started off with gazing stars, the Japanese roof top was something new and different. I didn't know it exist and because it does, it seems like a dream. A dream that should only stay the same. It was no doubt a great view and experience. Metaphoric speaking, heavenly breathtaking.

Then there was the river breeze over at hometown. It was comfortable chilly and yet an eye opener. Or eye candy? It was no doubt the most random and most adventurous one can do over a few hours over the river. There were story of snakes, the rare duck, the caution passerbys and the stories of traditional slumber methods. Metaphorically it was fresh air, breath!

The fallen sick one was a complete opposite discourse. The lioness has her heir and shared thoughts of how kingdom can be ruin or conquer. A conquest the lion detest, yet rewarding. The request accepted and denied was still worth the stroll at the park. Metaphoric speaking, a walk at the park was never that easy.

And the beer factory encounter was none the least the best but also the worst. Yin Yang and the test bestowed upon those eyes. It was a journey, a discovery, some sacrifices, some expression and the icy magical valentine treat. It was the nights of the mornings, and soon the distance of the physical soul. The small things in live does matter, but the bigger picture is still missing. At risk. Metaphoric speaking, soul searching is never that easy

So enough of the air impression and ever searching pinnacle. Where would my next metaphoric experience bring me???

Expectations

I have heard this word numerous time over at work, over coffee, over casual conversation, over road trips, over ramblings of unhappy couples and interestingly over sex too. It is a word of no stranger, especially when you are 28 and had lived in a realistic life of being in cloud nine and down under.

There is this common saying that never expect anything from anyone, because it always hurts.

Ironically, all of us know it is true but yet we will always expect. Are we motivated by actions of others, or are we just sitting ducks waiting to be shot down since it always hurts? How do we then predict how a person would act or react through his demeanor, behavior and lifestyle to manage our own expectations? Is it worth so much analysis only to find ourselves at crossroads? Trust me, looking at my promotional numbers is more worthwhile.

I do not know about you guys, but for me - what hurts the most is that I know what I am getting myself into and yet I allow the salt to just be rubbed onto my wounds. It is like putting your hand into a hot boiling pot of water. Pain? Crucifying. Worst - predicted

Then why do we do it all the time?

Could it be "hope"?  Hoping that one day, the expectations are managed professionally - suiting to answer every need, want, demand and void felt. Hoping that all the work we have done is paid off by a lucrative reward compensation, hoping that all the waiting will end up with a happy fairy tale ending, hoping that with all the good deeds comes a good christmas gift, hoping that with all the high notes I hit I bring back the champion title for best singer ...

I hate this feeling. Really. Especially when it comes to very hopefully stuff. So we are driven by motivation of how others may manage us in hope of a better self-inflicted feeling??? Just like bosses, you manage them well - you get huge bonuses. Mismanaged them, black book for life.

Life is tough already and when you allow yourself to be managed that way. You will go bonkers and start writing nonsensical post at ungodly hours of the day.

I should be tucking in soon. I hate expectations by the way. But I do it.

Just like now, I expect my staff to do my work tomorrow because I will be a zombie at work and I know they will not. I can already feel the pain of incoming work...