random bits of life

It's been a while, so I thought I would write a few things about life around here.


I didn't realize how long it had been until I had someone a day or two ago tell me they hoped all was well with Grant's finger. I realized that the last post I wrote left everyone hanging on a thread regarding our spring break and Grant's bone trauma. I am sure you have all lost tremendous sleep over this.

1) Grant's finger issue was pretty minor. We got in to the see the ortho before we left for our trip. Ashamedly, I cried a bit when they told us it would be a couple day wait, and I asked if it was okay if we just waited 5 days til we returned. They got us in that afternoon. The probably thought they should see the kid whose crack mom didn't believe he broke the finger in the first place and is now prioritizing their trip over his appointment. The P.A. who saw Grant said he couldn't even see the break from the first x-ray. The side view showed it, but it was so minor. Literally, he took a piece of latex, surgical, first-aid type tape and taped it to the finger next to it. He told us to do that for 3 weeks. We don't even need to follow up. Thank the Lord we got in before our trip or it would have been a long 5 days of keeping that finger clean and dry in that splint.




2) Our trip was only delayed a couple hours. We drove through a major thunderstorm system for about half of our 5 hour trip dropping torrential amounts of rain on us. We made it, though. We spent a couple days in Kentucky visiting my brother and his family. Then we went to my mom’s for a couple days, doing things like this:

3) The boyz were ALL ABOUT the youth sized 4-wheeler this time. My dad had it running really well. It was starting on the first try and it seemed like 1 of the 2 of the boyz was on it at all times. They put some serious miles on that thing Friday and Saturday UNTIL... Gavin rolled it into their lake. FOR REALS. FREAKED ME THE EFF OUT! It was in shallow water and he totally could have been pinned if he had reacted differently. I still get shivers down my spine to think of what could have happened. Gavin went for a little swim, I guess, as he was drenched from his helmet to his Heely's. I have never experienced two such broad spectrums of emotions simultaneously - pure relief he was okay and pure anger that was so careless.



4) My dad got the 4-wheeler running again a few days after we left. That man can fix anything. Always has been able to. We have always loved that about our dad!



5) Still dating the same dude. He's nuts about me and thinks I'm awesome and hello? of course he's right. And he's met my boyz - seen Grant as his near worst and tolerated Gavin's know-it-all-ness and "you-guys-should-just-get-married” comments - yet he continues to stick around, so I think he's pretty awesome, too.



6) Gavin had a trash-is-in fashion show to celebrate earth day today. He wore a newspaper hat and a bunch of snack food boxes all over his body. He looked like an idiot compared to some kids whose parents taped and fastened gift bags and newspaper and grocery sacks and boxes to resemble shirts, dresses, pants, belts and accessories. His mom must not love him as much. Or his mom just gets burned out on homework. Take your pick. Technically speaking, though, they all looked like idiots. They were wearing garbage for clothes.



7) Grant's hearing issue continues. He is getting tubes May 19th. He was very excited at first because he heard the scheduler tell me it would probably be a good idea to let him eat late on May 18th because he can't have anything after midnight. He heard, "Keep Grant up til Midnight and let him have a midnight snack." I told you his hearing is messed up. I humored him and told him that yes he could have a midnight snack on May 18th. He bragged about this to Gavin when Gavin got home from school that day. The next morning, the reality of the SURGERY part of the equation hit him, and he cried and had a tummy ache because he doesn't want to get tubes in his head. I think he is over his fear for now.



8) What would have been my wedding anniversary came and went with absolutely no fuss and almost no mention whatsoever this week. That was pretty nice.



9) There is a major detour on the main road leading to my neighborhood. The road is closed for several months about 1/4 mile before my street and reopens about 1/8 mile before my street. I have to drive over 3 miles out of my way through several stoplights and stopsigns to get into my neighborhood. That closed road is the road to school, the gym and my main route into town thus causing me much pain-in-the-butt-edness. I'm OVER it and it has been closed for all of 10 days.



10) 5 weeks of school remain from TODAY!  I consider this a good thing.



KEEP BELIEVING

two steps forward, one step back...

I don't know if you have noticed or not, but to me when I read over the last 7 months of posts, I notice a slight trend in the overall mood of this blog. As I read, I notice that the first several weeks after Brian's death were full of, "I don't feel like doing this" mentality. My mentality is changing a bit to not wanting this for anyone else, to understanding that it does get easier, to simply forcing some mood changes at home.

The forced smiles are working. Strange therapy, I realize, but honestly, I have heard enough sermons on the topic and been in enough Bible studies to know that there is JOY to be claimed even when your heart is hurting and your whole body doesn't feel like rejoicing. JOY is still abundant. And Christ wants JOY in our lives. You can still have joy even if you have a bad marriage. You can still have JOY even if you are fighting illness. You can still have JOY even if you are oppressed and mistreated. You can still have JOY when you have been told you are dying. And you can still have JOY when what you thought was your future left this world without you 7 months ago.

(one step forward)

In the past 6-8 weeks, since around the second week of September, my mindset has been shifting a bit. I have started focusing more on what lies ahead instead of what just happened. I find my thoughts looking more towards my potential future rather than mourning the future I had planned - one that included Brian.

(one step forward)

The kids and I are in a better routine. The schoolwork is probably the biggest challenge. Honestly, they both struggle a bit - especially Grant right now. That is very difficult for me because I lack patience in this arena. I am praying for patience and gentleness in this aspect of my life so I can be a better teacher and mom to the boys since this will be a huge part of their lives for years to come. Honestly, I get Grant so frustrated with my lack of patience, that he sometimes claims he wants to go back to Kindergarten. My problem is that I never really struggled in school. I didn't have to work hard for many years and when I did, if I just applied and practiced and did some homework problems, I pretty much "got it." (except Dynamics [shudder]). So, I don't "get" "not getting it." Clear as mud? That's what I thought. I've had a couple friends offer to work with Grant independently, so pending the outcome of his conference on Thursday, I may hold them to that offer.

(one step back)

Still, other than the homework, the boys and I are finding our groove. I have implemented a 'no screens' rule (video games, computer, TV) on Mondays-Thursdays. There is no Spongebob to compete with teeth-brushing time in the mornings. They come home and do homework immediately with no ICarly tempting them in the background. And they PLAY with TOYS in the evenings. Well, sort of. They usually set them all up in some sort of never-ending war of the worlds they have created in the basement. A war that makes it very difficult to get from point A to point B. Point A being the bottom of the stairs and Point B being ANYWHERE IN THE REST OF THE BASEMENT due to their elaborate traps, battle zones, MASH tents, headquarters, etc. I do love watching their imaginations at work, but I do LOATHE the resulting mess.

(one step forward)

The boys are almost finished with their counseling sessions. The counselor thinks we have done a great job in processing their grief, which is obviously ongoing, and are equipped to continue. I, strangely, was more worried about Grant who seemed to suppress his emotions a bit in the last several months - since mid-summer. The counselor suggested that he did not see anything alarming in Grant, rather that perhaps Grant was farther along in his grief process. Last week, during Grant's session, he finally spoke of Daddy. He claimed, as he does to me all the time, that he does not miss Dad. This initially broke my heart when he made this proclamation to me this summer. Still, he told the counselor again he did not miss Dad. And upon further discussion (through a game) he told the counselor that his Daddy wasn't hurting anymore. It must have been very difficult for Grant to come home from Kindergarten every day at lunch time last year and watch his Daddy - his male role model, his protector, his human superman - slowly deteriorate. Kids in essence want their parents strong and happy. Anyway, Grant was able to process what was happening to Brian as he witnessed it first-hand with me last Fall and Winter. And he has come to terms with it as being okay for him and okay for Brian. In the end, that is the place we all need to be.

(one step forward)

I do miss Brian immensely right now. I miss the laughter he brought to my life with his sarcastic, dry, witty comments. He was great at a quick one-liner. And he thought I was funny. To get a laugh these days, I have to do things like this: While Gavin was practicing typing his spelling words last week (another medium we try to use to change up the mundane task of printing the same 15 words 4 days a week), I took MY turn. I printed the words: "Gavin is a poopy head." Which had Grant in stitches. Then I typed: "Grant is a fart-face." Which had Gavin in stitches and opened a can of worms I wish had stayed sealed shut with what they continued to type the rest of the evening. Still, that is the level to which I have to resort to get a laugh.

(neither forward nor back, or is that just back??)

Also, I miss having a driver. I have been to my parents' (4 hours one way) twice since the last weekend of September. This past weekend we went to Indiana to see McKenna get baptized. (4 hours one way) This weekend, we are going to Paducah, KY to see Kevin, Heather and the kids in their new house (at least 5 hours one way). In two weeks, I am going to St. Louis (3 hours one way). All that driving and being the only driver gets really old. I long to be a passenger again - reading, taking care of snacks and movies for the kids, channel surfing or manning the IPOD, telling Brian he is driving too slow, complaining about the route Brian chose, you know, all that kind of passenger stuff...

(one step back)

Also, I miss Brian's touch. Oh my LORD, how I miss being touched by him. I miss simply holding his hand. I miss his warmth next to me at night and intertwining our feet while we slept. I miss resting my head in his lap on the couch while he played with my hair. I miss snuggling in the crook of his arm. And yes, I mean I miss his touch in every other way your mind is taking you right now. Holy Cow, if someone could just tell me how to shut this off, I would really appreciate it. Honestly, I PRAY for these desires to flee me. And I can't believe I am sharing this with you, but I was NOT prepared for this part.

(one step back)

I have done a lot of road time as I outlined above and I am soon to do even more road time. One of the things this ROAD TIME allows is opportunity to think. WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK. Since the kids pretty much watch movies the entire way, my mind just marches all over the world and back again. I think about Brian and how I miss him. But, mostly, when I think of Brian now, I smile. My memories of Brian are good ones now. I am not so consumed with the week of his death as I was. I am not so much caught up in my guilt of how I stopped believing in his healing. I think about the man he was. I think about how inspiring he was. I think about the silly things he said and did. When I think of him, I smile more than cry. From what I research, that is a pretty big step in grieving.

(one step forward)

I, also, think about the future. As I stated before, when I think about the future I now think about a different future instead of pitying myself for the future that won't be. I think about where I want to live. I still don't know. Part of me wants to go back to St. Louis to be closer to my family. I have not lived in the same state or within 4 hours of my family since 1995. I would love to experience that. But, I know it is not so easy to just pick up and go somewhere I haven't lived in 15 years. And, to do that, would be to take on an identify in my world of 'single mom of two boys.' It would no longer be - 'Angie, widow of Brian.' I am not ready to take on my identity without Brian, yet.

(neither forward nor back)

Also, when I think about the future, I think about the boys and me. I really don't want to be alone. Right now, I MAY be saying that more from the loneliness I feel every day and from the human desires I spoke of a few paragraphs above. (is anyone still reading this far along anyway?). Still, when I think of myself in the future, I don't see myself alone. I think when you experience a love like Brian and I had - a mutual, respectful, nurturing, physical, encouraging, spiritual, Christ-centered LOVE - you can't help but want part of that again. It is not a desire to replace that love. It is not a desire to redirect loneliness. It is simply a desire to love again.

In the right time...

When my confusion is less and my priorities are better in line with Christ-like thinking...

If God wills it....

TMI???

I also think about what Brian would want for me and the boys. I credit Brian solely on my ability to begin a new outlook on the future for two reason. First of all, we were blessed in that we were able to have these conversations for years due to our circumstances. I know he wanted a new future for me and the boys. He spoke of it even while believing in his own potential future. And in knowing that, the guilt of thinking about it is subdued. Also, Brian rarely looked out on his life and lamented the "could have beens." Rather, he concentrated on the "here and nows" to get to where he wanted to be. He did not allow the fog and cycle of self-pity to enter his daily regimen of a good attitude and a positive outlook. I have no doubt if this situation were reversed, and it was I who had passed on to heaven, he would rejoice for where I was and would pick up the shattered pieces of his broken heart excited about the next adventure in his life. If I were in heaven, isn't that what I would want for him and my boys on earth until they joined me?

(one step forward)

Thanks for listening.

And now for something completely different....

That was for you, Babe. You LOVED it. Hopefully, Sean and John will appreciate it today and see a bit of you in it.

And even more different...

A few pictures because I haven't posted one in a long time...

Grant taking a pic of me doing a cartwheel. That's my game face. If only I could get my abs to be as cut as my calves. I'm working on it.

P.S. Yes, I am geeky enough to make sure I had a 2 to 1 ratio of forwards to backs. I may not keep a very clean house, but when the math doesn't add up, I have a sleepless night.

P.P.S. I would have chosen a different picture of myself, but since the camera went swimming in the lake in July, I have taken only a handful of photos and this is the most recent of me. AND, I wanted you to see that I still do cartwheels despite being 37 AND despite my grief. Sometimes there is no better therapy than a curse word or a cartwheel.

KEEP BELIEVING

The tiny every day miracles

Life has been happening all around us. It is strange, yet comforting to go about every day business as if nothing is happening.

Brian is doing remarkably well. He is maneuvering the stairs and house. He is quiet, but conversational if he feels he can or wants to contribute. He is involved. He is attending the boys soccer games. He is playing cards. He is in good spirits. He feels relatively well. He has vomited a couple of times in the last week, but nothing terrible, and no all-day episodes like in the past.



Hospice will be calling on us once per week for now for Brian's care. I have a lot of resources for the kids and understanding this process. However, though, the overall mood of the house right now is uplifting and joyful. The visitors that Brian has had are not here saying goodbye, but rather living life adjacent to Brian for a little while longer. Saying goodbye can be awkward. It is difficult to say how long Brian will continue to do this well, so we don't guess. I didn't expect him to be doing as well as he is right now. He is doing better than he was even 3 weeks ago. That in and of itself is a small miracle.



This past weekend our visitors included my family - my sister and brother and their families and my parents. It was very fun and Brian did great. The layout of the house worked well to accommodate all 15 of us. We missed my nephew, Andrew, who is in college, though. My brother and Heather were supposed to come without the kids since the kids have so many sports obligations, but all of them ended up coming on Thursday. You see, they live in Paducah, KY which has hard hit by the latest ice storm. The kids' school and all events were cancelled since they are STILL without power. Our house was like an oasis for them with phone service, Internet access, TV, a warm fire and power. As terrible as the ice storm is for their area, I feel blessed that God granted us all time together without the nagging of other missed events. Small miracles.



Brian's little brother, Michael and Jen had their first baby - McKenna Riley on Wednesday, January 28. McKenna Riley is the newest cousin to 5 male grandsons and the newest niece to 2 uncles. In case you didn't read into that, she is the first female born into Jan and Ed's (Brian's parents) lineage. I am so happy to have the celebration of McKenna's birth to commemorate this time rather than Brian's failing health. Twelve years ago, my brother, Kevin and Lisa had their baby girl, Lexie. They were induced just a day after Brian was diagnosed with his brain tumor. They made Brian and me the godparents in order to help us remember a joyful occasion during that time of May instead of the anniversary of Brian's diagnosis. That was very special to us and I always think of how life happens and joy is all around us even in the midst of our struggles. McKenna is another reminder of small everyday miracles.



Speaking of miracles, Brian made it out to the boy's soccer games last week. He attended both Grant and Gavin's games due to the kindness of a few that helped Brian get into the building and others that cleared the walk for him to get in the building without slipping. Grant played a great game as he usually does - hustling and trying his hardest. He was awarded the Gatorade for best defensive player by his coach that day. Daddy was there to see it. The next night, Gavin scored a goal. Any of you who have ever seen Gavin play in the last year know this is TRULY MIRACULOUS! And Daddy was there to see it. Small everyday miracles.



KEEP BELIEVING

she's got eyes of the bluest skies...

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT JUST TO CHANGE THINGS UP AROUND HERE....

Andrew, Lauren, and Lexie,

This is for you...


And a little for me. Makes me laugh Every. Single. Time.

Hope the laugh helps the wounds of the Minnesota loss mend easier for Kevin and Andrew - the only Minnesota fans I know that have never been to Minnesota.

And you're welcome for having "Bowm, bowm, I'm DE-E-E-REK and I can sing High like TH-i-i-i-is....." running all through your head all day.

KEEP BELIEVING

Kevin and Heather

Kevin and Heather Baer

Brian and I have a large family with over 60 first cousins between us, so it seems there is always some celebration going on. However, we have been in a wedding drought for a few years. This year was make up year. Brian has 3 cousins' weddings this year and my brother also married this year. He remarried last weekend as a matter of fact. As I attended this wedding and the subsequent celebration, it occurred to me that this is only the second second wedding I have ever attended. Both Kevin and his new wife, Heather, come into the marriage with children of their own. Kevin has Andrew-19, Lauren-15 and Lexie -11. Heather has Mackenzie -nearly 9. I tell you that so as you look at these pictures, if you don't know my family already, you know some details.

Here are some highlights:

The night before:

my dork sister and her husband, Matt.

Andrew and baby Hannah (my new niece)

me and Heather

Grant, Gavin, Andrew, Logan swimming at the hotel

The wedding itself:

Heather given away by her Dad, Gary, and son, Mackenzie.

Most of my pictures of the actual ceremony did not come out as the church was extremely dark. So my pictures are either blurry since I was not on a tripod or they have huge shadows behind the people due to the flash. The ceremony was simple and sweet with an exchange of vows and a pledge from Kevin to Mackenzie and from Heather to Andrew, Lauren and Lexie.

Grant and Logan throwing rocks in the church parking lot. No, that is not the church in the background. It's some trailer in a lot next to the church. It is Kentucky, after all.

Some family pics:

the new merged family
our entire familythe grandkids (Gavin, Andrew, Logan, Grant, Lauren, Hannah, Mackenzie, Lexie)

I was familiar with what kind of pics to expect when you give your DSLR camera to your 5 year old. Here is what you get when you give your DSLR camera to a teenage boy:

I also don't have any pictures of the reception because I instead took several pictures of Heather's family and their friends with Kevin's DSLR for them. I was 'pictured out' by the time the dance started, plus I enjoyed watching Grant play hard to get with one of Heather's cousin's adorable blond-haired daughter. Each time she would show interest in dancing with him, he would run outside to "inspect a sore on his arm." By the time he got over himself, the girl and her family had to leave.

Congratulations to Kevin and Heather!

KEEP BELIEVING

Once there was a little boy....

Once upon a time, there was a little boy born in Texas to a first time mother and father. This boy would prove very difficult his first few years – strong-willed and mischievious. He made life for most babysitters quite uncomfortable crying constantly for his Mommy to return. Yes, he was a handful.

When he was three, his parents had their second child – a sweet adorable, easy-going little girl. Soon after the little girl was born, the family moved to Indiana. This lasted for only two short years. The next move would be to Muscatine, Iowa.
When that little boy lived in Muscatine, Iowa, his sister can remember that he was a crazy Elvis fan – recording himself singing “You Ain’t Nothing But a Houndog” and “All Shook Up” on the family’s groovy new EIGHT TRACK! He was also a loyal Minnesota Vikings football fan. As he grew a bit, he became a rocking KISS fan. So much so, in fact, that his mother and neighbor took him, his best friend and his seven year old sister to a KISS concert in Chicago (with the help of an uncle, because they just couldn’t drive through CHICAGO for cyrin’ out loud.) His sister would love to tell you more about the concert like how she was sure she saw Gene Simmons about TEN TIMES in the parking lot not realizing probably 5% of the total attendance was in full KISS make-up. Other than that, his sister doesn’t remember much of the concert because 1) she fell asleep before the opening act was finished 2) her mom put cotton balls in her ears to protect them and 3) what the hell is a 7 year old doing at a KISS concert anyway?

Also in Muscatine, the little boy had several good neighbor friends with whom he would pal around and sometimes tiff. Like all boys in the 70’s, several of these boys would eventually turn their struggles into full-fledged brawls. The little boy was always a bit small of stature for his age. One particular day, the little boy was found by his ever-loving and nurturing (for real) mother taunting and antagonizing the neighbor boys from the side porch. As the boys would close in on the little boy, he would run onto the porch, lock the screen door and taunt some more. The neighbor boys would tire and eventually begin to leave until the little boy would once again come out, taunt and then run back into the porch locking the door and yelling insults. The mother, who had a good name to uphold in the neighborhood, could not be known as the mother of the wuss, so she made him fight. When he refused, she threatened to spank him with the wooden switch she kept on hand until he relented and went out the face the now laughing Neanderthals awaiting him on his own front lawn. The mother carefully watched the spectacle and after the little boy took a couple good licks to the face, she broke up the fight and made the other boys go home. The next day, the boys were friends and played again as if nothing happened. That is how boys handled conflict in the 70’s.

In Muscatine, the little boy and his sister were blessed with another sister. This happened exactly 5 years and 364 days after the little boy was born – forever shadowing both of their birthdays and making July the second most expensive gift-giving month to their parents.

After Muscatine, the family moved to St. Louis, MO where they would hang their hats for the longest time of their lives. The little boy had a beer can collection in his basement room in St. Louis – over 100 beer cans arranged in a meticulous pyramid along the wall over his bed. He was very proud of his beer can collection although he was no where near drinking age. One day, in a fit of rage, one of his sisters slammed the door to his room and upon hearing the crash and cursing that ensued, ran into the nearest lockable room (the bathroom) until one of her parents arrived. However, once the sisters made this revelation, they would often intentionally slam the brother’s bedroom door and immediately run to the nearest lockable room or outside to a bike or other escape mechanism.

As years went by, the boy grew into a teenager with a troubled high school life. Troubled being that he was wicked smart, extremely talented, athletic, but the size of 5th grader causing him to be overlooked by coaches. Troubled being that he was handsome, but also had the face of a 5th grader causing him to be overlooked by girls. The college years came upon him and the teenager grew 6-8 inches in the first 18 months after high school graduation. The teenager grew into a young man graduating from college Summa Cum Laude with a degree in Electric Engineering in 4 short years while having and parenting a child his sophomore year.

In the next 6 years after college graduation, the young man had two more children and worked as an Electrical Engineer for a large firm. When he was a younger boy, he had shown he had a knack for being an entrepreneur when he arrived home from a store his family had recently discovered in the 80’s called Sam’s Club. He proudly showed his excited little sisters a canister of Double Bubble he had purchased. He bought the Double Bubble for $.02/piece and intended to sell it to his unassuming sisters for $.05/piece. However, he didn’t realize that his unassuming little sisters were, in fact, conniving, co-conspiring little thieves. He did, however, soon figure out how to better manage inventory when he constantly smelled Double Bubble on their breath. Taking into account this lesson learned, he took a huge risk just before his 3rd child was born and started his own company. After a couple of years, this company began to show signs of success and within a couple more years would thrive, making him financially secure and impossible to buy for.

Yes, the boy above is my brother, Kevin. Today is his birthday, born 5 years and 364 days before my little sister.

I have many other stories I could and should share about Kevin, but I will leave it at this for today because with two posts in two days, I am probably out of here for a while. You can chew on these last two for a while.

Happy Birthday, Kevin….

I love you.

KEEP BELIEVING