As told in pictures - Pinewood Derby

Pack 254 pinewood derby.

As instructed, we arrived an hour before the race time to register. Actually, we were intentionally 15 mnutes late, because this seasoned mom knows too much time before the structured and organized activity begins coupled with nearly fifty 6-11 years old boys yields too much opportunity for wall-climbing. Which is exactly what they did:

Waiting for the race:

Announcing the race:

Some are more enthused to pose for pictures:

Than others:

Race time:

Obligatory Mommy and me pose:

Waiting at the finish line:

Obligatory Mommy and Me pose take 2:

Again waiting at the finish line:

The results:

Some are more pleased: (1st place of 2nd graders)

Than others: (didn't place for 1st graders)

Fear not, Grant, other's share your sentiments:

The real designer and engineer behind the cars, the hero to some and the goat to others (I'll let you use your deductive reasoning to determine which child currently thinks he is a hero and which thinks he is a goat.)

POP-O!! (Daddy's Dad)

It was one of the first events in which the boyz have ever participated that didn't have participation trophies or ribbons - you know, every child gets an award just for showing up or signing up or paying dues. I hate participation awards. I think this was a great lesson. I am just sad that while one of my boyz  learned the glory part, the other learned the heartache part. Especially for something over which they had little control - pinewood derby is a DAD thing. In consoling Grant, I was explained that had Gavin been in 1st grade, his car would not have placed. The first grade cars had some STIFF competition. Grant just knows he walked home with the same car he arrived with while Gavin also left toting a trophy. That's all that matters to him.

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Another big milestone

I thought I would take this time to update you on how we are handling this first Christmas Holiday without Brian. I get the impression that a lot of people are wondering and are concerned. If you do not care to hear all this, then please forgive my presumptuous attitude.

We started our first Christmas celebration on the 20th of December with Brian's Dad's extended family. As always, it was an enjoyable time together eating and chitchatting. There were over 20 of us present.

The kids still had school on Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday evening, the onset of the holiday sadness fog began to creep in. I decided very last minute I needed to get out of the house. I texted my friends and within 5 minutes, I had three offers for dinner plans. Because we are THOSE kind of friends, I chose the best-sounding option and no one got upset. I love THOSE kinds of friends. We went to Kobe Steak House for some Teppanyaki-style cooking and so my boyz could ea.....CHEESE STICKS! Wth? Then we wen to another friend's house and the kids all played together. I have the very best friends anyone could ask for.

Wednesday, we had the 2 of the 3 B's (cousins) over in the morning while Cheryl worked. Wednesday afternoon, the B's and G's (my boys) went to MommO's house to decorate gingerbread houses and to see the Squeakel. I stayed home and wrapped presents. I cried most of the time. Historically, when Jan would take the grandkids and do something fun just prior to Christmas, it was BRIAN'S AND MY TIME. We would wrap together and he would say, "let me see what we got them this year." We would share a few drinks together. Often, we would go grab some Mexican. I missed that time and that man as I sat here alone wrapping presents.

Thursday was Christmas Eve. My parents arrived around 11 am. We went to my church's Christmas production about which I will remain silent because of the whole "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all" attitude I am trying to model for my kids. Then we went to Buffalo Wild Wings for a meal, then back here for a few drinks and conversation.

At about 6:15 on Christmas Eve, Gavin was busy doing something in the kitchen. The next thing we knew, he had a plate full of cookies, a full glass of milk, a carrot and a note in his hand heading toward the fireplace while dressed in his pajamas. He declared it was probably time for everyone to go pretty soon to ensure Santa didn't pass us by. After a good chuckle, PoppO showed him Norad. Gavin spent every 5 minutes for the next 2.5 hours tracking Santa's global progress. As soon as Santa hit Canada he was ready to hit the hay. It was very adorable.

The boyz and I exchanged our gifts on Christmas Eve night. I wanted to ensure I got proper credit for at least SOMETHING in their eyes they didn't get overwhelmed on Christmas morning with what I gave them plus what Santa gave them. The boyz adorned me this year with earrings, bracelets, a Victoria's Secret bag and two pairs of pajamas.

Christmas morning, the boys awoke around 7:30. I missed it as I woke around 7:40 to Gavin exclaiming, "MOM! MOM! Wake UP ! IT'S CHRISTMAS! SANTA CAME. HE ATE THE TOP OF MY GINGERBREAD HOUSE!" I was bummed I missed their initial reactions, but I have been having a bit of a hard time awaking in the mornings.

The boyz are most excited about this gift from Santa:

And to ensure this doesn't happen,

They also got these:

While, technically, Gavin did not ask for the weapon, only Grant did, Santa brought one for each of them. Santa knows that in this house, what is good for the gander is also good for the other gander. And sharing does not come naturally.

After the stockings were investigated and all the presents were opened, I was able to get in a 2.5 mile run on the treadmill while the kids played with their new toys and my parents went to Catholic Mass. That afternoon, we headed to Sean and Cheryl's (Bri's bro n sis in law) and the 3 B's for dinner and more presents. It was a great afternoon/evening.

Saturday, We awoke to a few inches of snow on the ground. After helping shovel, my parents left. After they left, I got in another 3 mile run while the kids played Wii. Saturday, I felt rather melancholy. I began to look around at the overwhelming mess that still exists this Monday and realized that this is it. There is no one here to share this with. The sad and lonely fog crept in again on Saturday. Mike and Jen (Bri's other bro) and McKenna were coming Saturday evening and Jan was having HER extended family to her house for another celebration. Saturday it snowed ABSOLUTELY ALL DAY LONG AND INTO SUNDAY MORNING. We had well over 6 inches when all was said and done. It was so beautiful, but it kept us from trying out the kids BBguns.

Sunday, we had an impromptu gathering of just O'Neills at Ed and Jans. It was a great day. The boyz got to shoot their BBguns. We went for a hike in the woods in the snow. The boyz got to play with Ziggy (the dog) as well as their cousins. It was a great, very fun, relaxed day.

Today is Monday. I am packing. I am cleaning. I am doing laundry. I am organizing. The boyz and I leave tomorrow for my folks. We are going to stop at Dave and Buster's in St. Louis to see a couple relatives. The boyz will have the week to shoot their guns, play their games, ride 4 wheelers and be boyz. We will celebrate New Years with my sister and some friends at Mom and Dad's. On New Years Day afternoon, we are opening presents with my family. We will return on the 3rd and the 4th the kids start school back up.

Anyway, I like to think we have this first Christmas milestone under our belt, but it is still continuing. Each day I find myself unexpectedly swelling up with tears at odd moments. I have been thinking of Brian a lot. Being with his family naturally makes me think of him. I miss seeing how he completed that dynamic - especially between his 2 brothers and him.

I am sure all the O'Neill's would wholeheartedly agree that while we are blessed and thankful this Christmas for what is in front of us, it isn't the same. It never will be.

Something is missing.

Sometimes it is just more obvious than other times.

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How Google saved my son's life...

So, the other day, this guy who claims to be my kids' grandpa suggested he come over and torture me help out with the pumpkin carving this year. I told him I was maybe going to let the pumpkin carving tradition fade away, but agreed this was probably not the right year to do so. He wanted to come help me out because he knows that while THIS is adorable:

This:

Makes me feel all, like this:

While we were starting our clean up process, I noticed this on my beautiful, expensive kitchen table:

And I realized it was THIS:

So then I was all, like THIS:

So, after some attempts at wiping it with various non-abrasive, non-surface-defacing products, and some sharp pointed comments towards the culprit who was soon formerly to be known as Grant, I decided to google: "How do I get sharpie off my wood?" And wouldn't you know there were several hits! I knew, by experience, not to use the Magic Eraser if I wanted to keep my finish, so I found an article that said to use this:

And guess what? It worked. After I buffed out the eraser smears and wiped it with some pledge oil, it is barely noticeable. So, then we were both all, like this:

Thanks Google! The child still known as Grant thanks you, too.

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The tiny every day miracles

Life has been happening all around us. It is strange, yet comforting to go about every day business as if nothing is happening.

Brian is doing remarkably well. He is maneuvering the stairs and house. He is quiet, but conversational if he feels he can or wants to contribute. He is involved. He is attending the boys soccer games. He is playing cards. He is in good spirits. He feels relatively well. He has vomited a couple of times in the last week, but nothing terrible, and no all-day episodes like in the past.



Hospice will be calling on us once per week for now for Brian's care. I have a lot of resources for the kids and understanding this process. However, though, the overall mood of the house right now is uplifting and joyful. The visitors that Brian has had are not here saying goodbye, but rather living life adjacent to Brian for a little while longer. Saying goodbye can be awkward. It is difficult to say how long Brian will continue to do this well, so we don't guess. I didn't expect him to be doing as well as he is right now. He is doing better than he was even 3 weeks ago. That in and of itself is a small miracle.



This past weekend our visitors included my family - my sister and brother and their families and my parents. It was very fun and Brian did great. The layout of the house worked well to accommodate all 15 of us. We missed my nephew, Andrew, who is in college, though. My brother and Heather were supposed to come without the kids since the kids have so many sports obligations, but all of them ended up coming on Thursday. You see, they live in Paducah, KY which has hard hit by the latest ice storm. The kids' school and all events were cancelled since they are STILL without power. Our house was like an oasis for them with phone service, Internet access, TV, a warm fire and power. As terrible as the ice storm is for their area, I feel blessed that God granted us all time together without the nagging of other missed events. Small miracles.



Brian's little brother, Michael and Jen had their first baby - McKenna Riley on Wednesday, January 28. McKenna Riley is the newest cousin to 5 male grandsons and the newest niece to 2 uncles. In case you didn't read into that, she is the first female born into Jan and Ed's (Brian's parents) lineage. I am so happy to have the celebration of McKenna's birth to commemorate this time rather than Brian's failing health. Twelve years ago, my brother, Kevin and Lisa had their baby girl, Lexie. They were induced just a day after Brian was diagnosed with his brain tumor. They made Brian and me the godparents in order to help us remember a joyful occasion during that time of May instead of the anniversary of Brian's diagnosis. That was very special to us and I always think of how life happens and joy is all around us even in the midst of our struggles. McKenna is another reminder of small everyday miracles.



Speaking of miracles, Brian made it out to the boy's soccer games last week. He attended both Grant and Gavin's games due to the kindness of a few that helped Brian get into the building and others that cleared the walk for him to get in the building without slipping. Grant played a great game as he usually does - hustling and trying his hardest. He was awarded the Gatorade for best defensive player by his coach that day. Daddy was there to see it. The next night, Gavin scored a goal. Any of you who have ever seen Gavin play in the last year know this is TRULY MIRACULOUS! And Daddy was there to see it. Small everyday miracles.



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Next Steps

Today we went into Brian's office together to clean it out of personal items. He is officially on long term disability now and rightfully so. As with every step we have recently taken, it was much harder on me than on Brian.

Brian said some things to a few co-workers and gathered one box of personal belongings. Belongings that will probably sit in a box untouched for an indefinite amount of time. It was hard to decide what to say to each co-worker. Some of these co-workers are long time friends. Friends that are agonizing while witnessing their friend become more ill.

Brian and his Dad, who worked for Cat for over 35 years.

I took my first steps with reaching out to Caterpillar HR. They are compiling financial and benefit information on my behalf - life insurance, cobra amounts, pension numbers, etc. The financial impact of Brian's health on me and boys is my biggest concern. This concern is compounded right now with the economic crisis in our country. We have lost over 40% of our savings. We are also under-life-insured for a family of 4 with a stay at home Mom. My degree is in Engineering Management, but I have always worked in areas of accounting. Accounting has changed drastically due to the collapse of Enron, World Com, etc. with most companies demanding an accounting degree and CPA or CMA after one's name. Re-entering the workforce with a salary to support my boys in a job that doesn't require 10-12 hour days as a single mom, with the meager savings we have remaining and the 3X Brian's salary in life insurance (he was diagnosed 1 month after we were married making adding life insurance impossible) is the ONE thing (or many things, I guess) that grips me with fear.



I would be remiss not to mention at this point in time what an amazing employer Brian has had the privilege of serving. Caterpillar has treated Brian with the utmost dignity and respect. While dignity and respect are well-deserved by Brian, many employers would have shut the door on Brian at the first signs of his illness. Eleven and a half years ago, when Brian was first diagnosed, Brian had JUST been transferred to Denver with Caterpillar. I wrote of it here. In those three years, our medical benefits were outstanding. We had to wrestle with claims a few times, but in the end, everything was always covered. All surgeries, all second opinions, all treatments, everything. Caterpillar is self-insured. Throughout the years, as medical costs sky-rocket (thank you malpractice suits), Cat has had to cut back on benefit coverage - raising premiums, adding deductibles, increasing co-pays and out of pocket expenses. Each time, it has been in essence a pay cut for us due to Brian's serious illness. However, each time, the benefits are still better than probably 75% of Americans. We know we are blessed in that regard.



After 4 years of remission, Cat took a chance on Brian in 2005 when they offered him a promotion and a new job in Canada. We snatched up the offer and felt very confident that we were on our way to the next phase of life with cancer safely behind us. While that was not to be the case, I do believe anyone that worked with Brian the 2 years he was in Edmonton, Canada, would say he was a true asset to the organization and it was entirely worth the time and effort to have him there. He loved his job, loved the people, loved his products, and loved his company.



When Brian needed surgery in April 2007 and we were living in Canada, Cat was beyond accommodating assisting with an expedient move back to the States, transportation to and from the hospital in Brian's fragile condition, etc. Since then, they have always found a place for Brian in the organization. They have always tried to best utilize his skill set within his limitations while ensuring he stayed sharp and challenged without undue stress.


In short, they have been amazing.


And now, as we are unsure about the future and unsure about the timing of what may come next, they are kicking into high gear to do the leg work for me. They are once again, going above and beyond to make this as easy on us as possible.



Say what you will about big yellow, in my book, Caterpillar is one hell of a top notch company. I am honored to have worked there for a few years and I know Brian is proud to display the Caterpillar name across half his wardrobe.



Caterpillar is just one of the many blessings we have been counting lately. Today, as Brian packed his box, I felt compelled to acknowledge that.



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Happy Birthday, Ed

February 18th is a day of the year that brings several things to mind for me. It is Brian’s Dad’s birthday. It is my dear, sweet cousin Jennifer’s birthday. It is the day my maternal grandma passed away in 2006. I struggled with what to dedicate this blog today. In the end, I decided on Brian’s Pop’s B-Day.

64 years ago today, L. Edward O’Neill, aka Ed, Eddio, Pop, Irish, Poppo, Grandpa, Dad, was born into the world. Ed is a man that is never at a loss for words. Ed is a cover-to-cover newspaper reader. Ed is a news, weather and sports addict. Ed is a talk radio junkie. His brain is full of more news, current events, and trivial knowledge than most game show question writers. (Weak analogy, I know. I stumped myself) We lovingly refer to Ed as ‘the prefacer.’ Sometimes Ed is not so eloquent with sentence transitions. Sometimes Ed starts out sentences with phrases like this…

“Angie, not that you read the paper, and not that you CARE about this, but did you hear…”

And from there, my attention is supposed to be grabbed, peaked and I am somehow supposed to stay tuned for the rest of the conversation about which he just prefaced I will probably NOT CARE.

Or he will begin a request from Brian with something like this…

“Biner, if you think you can get a “get out of jail card” from Angie for long enough, I thought maybe you could…”

Ed gets lost at the grocery store, gas station, waiting room, checkout line, on the way to the bathroom at a restaurant, etc., because he will strike up a conversation with any willing party whenever he can. He knows no stranger.

Ed striking up conversation with Parliament security in London

Ed has a way of talking like he is in a business meeting, using office jargon and corporate tie-ins for his conversations.

And these are the things about Ed that we love and at which we crack up. His words. His conversations. His meetings of new people. His sentence transitions. His prefacing. His catch phrases. Here are a few phrases that we associate with Ed:

"Fair enough." (there is no statement more ED than this)
"i.e." (he says this out loud)
"I had to come over to your house to enjoy (insert whatever martyr choice of the day) because I’m not allowed at home… "
"In terms of this and that and the other… "
"And so on and so forth… "
"Etcetera" (he says this out loud in conversations, too)"
"What have you… "
"When you get to be my age, you’ll find… "
"If you will..."

And our favorite… (sometimes he throws into the middle of his conversation when speaking about someone being stumped or at a loss for words):

"PPPBBLLTT! "

Ed shows us even those never short of words somehow find a raspberry the best means for getting across a point. Surprisingly, it is very effective when used by Ed, too.

Ed striking up conversation with a member of Parliament as he was trying to leave the building in London

We love you, Ed (Poppo)! Happy Birthday!

Brian, Angie, Gavin and Grant

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CSI: GRANDMA’s HOUSE; Episode 3 Leap of Faith Friday: Frightful Bathrooms

Jim at Busy Dad Blog and Christine at Chicken Fried Therapy and Piper at Bliss in Bloom birthed a concept for Friday posts in February – Leap of Faith Friday. The idea is to do something in your life that you would not ordinarily do, something that is out of your comfort zone and then post about it on Fridays.

Well, I totally didn’t do that, but I am shamefully using this sort of ‘Fearless Friday’ inspiration for today’s CSI post regarding my kids, conquering their fears and getting them to do something out of their own comfort zone. As for my own leap of faith, I will continue to hide behind my keyboard, my spell-check and my thesaurus to make myself sound really smart clever intellectual.

Today’s episode of CSI is being shot on location at Grandma’s house. Whenever my boys visit Mommo and Poppo as we affectionately call them, the boys refuse to use the basement bathroom. I thought it was just my children. However, we discovered that their cousins, aged 13, 8 and 3 also do not willingly use the basement bathroom for quick relief. Rather, if any of them are playing downstairs, they will make the trek up the stairs, through the living room, past the kitchen, down the hall and into the main floor bathroom. We asked. They replied, “That bathroom is too scary.” Reasonable enough as basements can be scary to kids, but we also discovered that this is not limited to times when they are playing downstairs without parental supervision. Recently, the adults were chilling at the basement bar amidst the nostalgic wall decorations, sports paraphernalia, antiques and interesting collectible accessories adorning Mommo and Poppo’s super cool basement when we noticed the young ones were heading upstairs for their urinary urges. We asked again.
“That bathroom is too scary.”
“Not when we are down here. There is nothing to be scared of.”

Then, I used the facilities. As I sat there for the 11.4 seconds it usually takes me to do my business, I scanned the bathroom trying to discern what could be so scary from a kid’s perspective. I took some pictures of the allegedly frightening little room and would like to see if your crime scene investigation skills could identify what on earth would terrify a child using this lavatory.

This is what is in front of the shower.

Close up of what is in front of the shower.

If they were sitting on the toilet, facing the wall, this is what they would see.

As they stand, facing the toilet, this is what they see.

To quote Velma, I think I’ve got this mystery JUST about wrapped up. Getting them to face their fear and use the bathroom, I think, will have to come with age.

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Angie's note: Based on the comments I feel I must defend this bathroom. The entire basement is decorated with antiques and sports collectibles. This bathroom is decorated with antique farm tools, factory bits from the company Jan's dad started, etc. It is kind of neat, but, yeah, to a kid, SUPER SCARY.